carhill Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) It's not the perspective, rather the manifestation, IMO. For the ladies, how many males who turned out to be players announced that 'I'm not interested in a relationship, but I will f*ck you whenever possible and maybe take you out to dinner and a movie once in awhile"? The whole idea of con games is the con, meaning confidence. The con artist gains the confidence of the mark through subterfuge and guile and deceit, then works the con. For the women who are fully disclosed (IME, that's rare with players) and still choose to be taken by the player, well, they need only to point the finger in the mirror to define their EQ Yamaha, excellent list but that is the result of the con; I'm working on perceiving the signs in advance of having the life sucked out of you by these emotional vampires. Patience Edited October 3, 2009 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Hi, writergal. I have four to add (if they fit at all -- these apply to men and women, btw): The "didn't I always tell you..." defense. Early on, he tells you about a personality trait or behavior he knows good and well would be unacceptable to just about anyone (usually this is done is a self-effacing way - and the conversation quickly shifts in such a way as to appear as if he is the opposite of what he just said he was). Mixed signals. Even more of a sign is when he confides in you, something quite dark (because you understand him, unlike the rest), with the unspoken implication that that it’s in the past. He's counting on you filling in the blanks, then later he'll say, "Didn't I always tell you that..." So, any kind of inconsistency like this is a sign to run. Anything that leaves you feeling confused, take a closer look at. * Related to the above: you find whatever he brings up to be acceptable (in fact, you do the same thing), but when YOU do it, he gets angry about it. * Their exes were "crazy", "demanding", “vapid”, "controlling", ect. In fact ALL their exes are! He was never properly accepted/understood, or they just weren’t special enough to get him. You get the idea. * Wonders out loud why you are so reserved or distant, but when you try to get a little closer to reassure him, he acts like he doesn’t want that, either. Again, this is inconsistent. * I don't know if these fit the 'player' thing or not? The above are manipulative types of behavior. But on your list there were a few things that looked dishonest or manipulative to me, so I guess it depends on how you define it. *** Some men that I know that are 'players' are actually pretty honest (and love women), it's the women who think they can change them or have expectations that they just aren't going to get fulfilled from the guy that is more the issue than anything. The nice ones are really easy to stay away from, and they'll let you move on without really bothering much about it - but if you still go to them, after being fully informed, it's your problem from then out - not theirs! *** The nasty type of 'player' is being manipulative, even while being "honest" sometimes. That's why holding back is important at first. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I don't think that men who don't want to commit and are upfront about it, are players. They're just guys who aren't ready to settle down or enjoy lifelong bachelorhood. No biggie, as long as the woman doesn't expect otherwise. If she does, she's an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 LOL, right, they're 'playboys' Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I don't think that men who don't want to commit and are upfront about it, are players. They're just guys who aren't ready to settle down or enjoy lifelong bachelorhood. No biggie, as long as the woman doesn't expect otherwise. If she does, she's an idiot. Right. I agree. Also I think if a woman knows she gets emotionally invested when she gets physical with a guy it's her responsibility to get to know him before getting physical. It's really not a guy's fault if a woman has sex before getting to know him and then gets upset because he doesn't want a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Ladies, I don't think it matters how to identify a player. The same indicators can be applied to a guy who's low interest. In either situation, you're going to get emotionally jacked around if you invest, since he doesn't care or care all that much. Maybe focus less on defining a player and focus more on if the guy is into you. You know the feeling when a guy is "all in". There are no questions to be answered. He's emotionally wide open and in hot pursuit, baying at the head of the pack. He's focused on YOU, with no deviation. Consistency. For you ladies who want to bring a player to ground, it's not that difficult. Keep him at bay and never care. So then, you bring him to ground, on his knees. He won't stay there though. Eventually, he'll break out and guess who's going to get shafted and not in a good way. Yup, YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Waitress Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Simple. You don't have to spot them. Just don't get invested in men until you're sure they will treat you well. Link to post Share on other sites
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) Hi, writergal. I have four to add (if they fit at all -- these apply to men and women, btw): The "didn't I always tell you..." defense. Early on, he tells you about a personality trait or behavior he knows good and well would be unacceptable to just about anyone (usually this is done is a self-effacing way - and the conversation quickly shifts in such a way as to appear as if he is the opposite of what he just said he was). Mixed signals. Even more of a sign is when he confides in you, something quite dark (because you understand him, unlike the rest), with the unspoken implication that that it’s in the past. He's counting on you filling in the blanks, then later he'll say, "Didn't I always tell you that..." So, any kind of inconsistency like this is a sign to run. Anything that leaves you feeling confused, take a closer look at. * Related to the above: you find whatever he brings up to be acceptable (in fact, you do the same thing), but when YOU do it, he gets angry about it. * Their exes were "crazy", "demanding", “vapid”, "controlling", ect. In fact ALL their exes are! He was never properly accepted/understood, or they just weren’t special enough to get him. You get the idea. * Wonders out loud why you are so reserved or distant, but when you try to get a little closer to reassure him, he acts like he doesn’t want that, either. Again, this is inconsistent. * I don't know if these fit the 'player' thing or not? The above are manipulative types of behavior. But on your list there were a few things that looked dishonest or manipulative to me, so I guess it depends on how you define it. *** Some men that I know that are 'players' are actually pretty honest (and love women), it's the women who think they can change them or have expectations that they just aren't going to get fulfilled from the guy that is more the issue than anything. The nice ones are really easy to stay away from, and they'll let you move on without really bothering much about it - but if you still go to them, after being fully informed, it's your problem from then out - not theirs! *** The nasty type of 'player' is being manipulative, even while being "honest" sometimes. That's why holding back is important at first. You described such a wide expanse of traits and things guys do, it could well encompass all men. Do you think most men are players, or wannabe players? The main thing that jumped out at me was, anything that confuses a girl should be looked at closely; im guessing looked at as in with suspicion of being a player? LOL when are girls not confused about something? And how is a genuinely good guy EVER supposed to be able to get close to a girl under your rules? If a girl followed what you said, she'd think every guy she met was a player. Is that how you feel? Hmm... God forbid he reveal something to you. Gasp! Confide? PLAYER! What, you have a crazy ex? I'm sure she's FINE. PLAYER! You get the idea. The other two points may fly, but half of what you added just doesn't fly. Edited October 3, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) You described such a wide expanse of traits and things guys do, it could well encompass all men. Do you think most men are players, or wannabe players? Not in my experience, no. The main thing that jumped out at me was, anything that confuses a girl should be looked at closely; im guessing looked at as in with suspicion of being a player? LOL when are girls not confused about something? If a person is genuinely interested in you, it shouldn't be that hard, should it? You have a point in that it wouldn't be an automatic at all - it could come from anywhere, including within. And how is a genuinely good guy EVER supposed to be able to get close to a girl under your rules? If a girl followed what you said, she'd think every guy she met was a player. Is that how you feel? Hmm... Those aren't rules at all, they are signs to look deeper, as per the original post. God forbid he reveal something to you. Gasp! Confide? PLAYER! What, you have a crazy ex? I'm sure she's FINE. PLAYER! You get the idea. The other two points may fly, but half of what you added just doesn't fly. If you read my post carefully, you'd understand the context. Hopefully. No guarantees there. Edited October 3, 2009 by deux ex machina Link to post Share on other sites
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