You don't know what you've lost, until it is gone....for good

[marley671]

I know that it is so cliche' to say that you don't know what you've lost until it is gone, but its very much the truth. I have been broken up with my girlfriend for a few months, but we still hung out and kept in contact with each other cause we were in good terms. Some people thought we were still together because of the way we were. We still really cared and loved for each other. Recently, about 4 days ago to be exact, she told me she has a new boyfriend.

 

I thought I was going to be okay if she ever broke that news to me, but it absolutely shattered my heart, realizing that I am absolutely still in love her. I was begging her back, crying, going ballistic. I assured her that things will change for the better, but she was not having it. I am a total wreck because it was all my fault that drove her away to another man's arms:(. When we broke up, I came to terms and thought I was ok, but, with her new BF and all, I never knew it would drive me insane. I still really love her and care for her, but she told me that she is really happy with her new BF. Totally devastating.

 

We met up for one last time to return belongings to each other and it was the most painful day of my life. We balled in each others arms as we said good bye to this chapter in our lives. Although she still wants to be friends with me, as much as I do too, I know I have to be in NC mode. It's been 2 days of NC and I really want to call her and text her, but I know I shouldn't as it will just cause me more pain. Soooo...I decided to write because I guess writing about my feelings here is better than calling/texting her right? Why did I not see the value of our relationship only until she finds another man? I caused this to myself, and I deserve this.

 

Throughout our 5 years together, I caused so much pain for her and now, look where it brought me...in sooooo much pain. I guess Karma right. I know this is a grievance/sadness phase and it gets better with time, but no matter what I do, she is on my mind 24/7 and puts such a strain on my heart. I can't eat, sleep, or be motivated to do anything. They say exercise is good, but when I do, it just makes me think of her more. I miss her so much. My question is, do I fight not thinking about her or just let it all out and let the emotions run?

[quarterlifecrisis]

I completely empathize with you bro. I was in a similar situation where things were really grey for a long time after we broke up (over a year actually). We were friends but would still hang out and at certain points we'd still hook up. I was commitment phobic and was not ready to get back together with her even though she was ready. I even encouraged her to date around. Finally, she met someone about 2 months ago and entered into a relationship with him.

 

It absolutely crushed me. Even today, I am in constant pain and regret. I hate to say it, but it will get worse before it gets better. I've been NC for about 5 weeks now (with one blip where we ran into each other for a few mins), and it gets better every week, but you definitely relapse once every few days. You just think about how if you did X or Y, she would still be yours.

 

In any case, NC is the right thing to do as I've been told by others and am beginning to reap some of the benefits myself. You will get stronger over time, and who knows, she may just end up missing you. I was surprised to hear from a friend that my ex asked about me and said she still misses me just the other day even though she's quite happy with her new guy. I'm not getting my hopes up, but who knows, perhaps there is still a chance for reconciliation at some point.

[gypsi]

sometimes i dont know if no contact works, i have been no contact for 3 months!!! And some days i still break down and cry coz i miss her so much....nothing works except for when you fall in lovw with someone else otherwise you stuck in limbo for a loooong time.

[Bobby2010]

Stop blaming yourself. It was definitely not all your fault, and you know it.

 

I am still blaming myself, but at least I am starting to realize what I did/didn't do is just a formality.

[adamt]

You don't know what you've lost, until it is gone....for good

 

Yeah i know how you feel. Sometimes you are in a relationship and get complacent,comfortable and take things for granted. The ex then suddenly leaves and you get no chance to fix things. Like said previously it is not all your fault. takes the other person to communicate if they are not happy instead of bottling it up the giving up and leaving. Over time you will start to think different. there will be someone out there better. taken me 4 months of focusing on my self to want to date again, although i stil miss my ex sometimes and have sad times. Not spoke to the ex since we split, which was hard but helped me move on quicker

[Dream Brother]

Sad post there buddy, completely feel your pain, in almost exact same boat. It's truly heart wrenching I know. Seems unreal, still feels like a never ending bad dream few months on. I still don't really know how it happened, was just taken away from me before I had a chance to see what was really going on.

 

How do I cope with it? Not brilliantly, will just take time but I have decided to pursue excellence with my strongest hobby and go for it. Not interested in dating. It's strange how doing that is exactly what she wanted. Maybe I am kidding myself when I felt I knew her. Certainly is a period of deep introspection for me at the moment, I am rediscovering myself, I had no clue what I was all about and I'm not in my 20s. Maybe she saw through this -act- I put on but despite me pushing her away unintentionally and taking her for granted she has faults of her own, all this bottling up she did is toxic for a healthy relationship.

 

I hope you see better times soon, NC was only way to keep me sane but I am far from that but I know this is not something that is mentally/emotionally resolved in a short space of time even if you kid yourself that it is.

[Confused_Chump]

OP, I felt like I was looking at myself in a mirror when I read your post. I am currently going through a situation that's extremely similar to yours. Me and my ex broke up but remained best friends for years because we got along so well. I did some pretty hurtful things to her during our time together and felt that if she did move on, I would be fine with it because I felt she deserved someone better. In the mean while, I continued to have feelings for her but kept it to myself. She finally started another relationship this past summer and like you, I was crushed. I too couldn't sleep, eat or be motivated to do anything. The pain, the sadness, the regrets...I wish these feelings upon no one.

 

It's been about 3.5 months since everything happened and I am feeling much better now. A day still doesn't go by where I don't think about her though, but it doesn't sting as much as it did in the beginning. Here are a few things that I did to help overcome this, hopefully you'll be able to find some use for it.

 

- In order to move on, I had to open up to that idea. I was growing tired of the pain I was feeling and wanted to become whole again. So if you want to heal your heart, you must be determined to do so. Stay with NC and return/throw out/store away anything that reminds you of her (e.g. gifts, pictures, letters, etc.).

 

- Read books on how to manage break ups. The one I read taught me that it's okay to let your emotions run. So if you want to cry, then cry. They say a good cry will do wonders. The key however is that you don't drown yourself in sorrow because then you'll be in danger of going into depression.

 

- Take this opportunity as a time for self improvement. Do something that will make you feel good about yourself and would be a benefit for you in the long run. I for example started to learn how to cook and bake.

 

- I started a journal and wrote down everything I was feeling. I found it to be a good way to express all the pain I was in. I was also lucky enough to have a close family member to talk about all the problems I was having.

 

- Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself and love from this experience. I know what I did wrong in the past and like all humans we make mistakes. The key is that you understand what you did wrong and in doing so make sure you do your best not to make the same mistakes again. This is a means to forgiving yourself.

 

I understand you're going through an extremely difficult time right now, but as long as you're determined to have your heart heal then time will do its job. In the mean time, hang in there with all your might because this pain will past.

[logitech]

I found for me it was important to do things I wouldn't normally do. Sure you can do the things you like but you will find it will bring back memories in some way. I managed to get away with a group of people that I sort of knew but there was so many new things for me to learn about them and have great times that it helped me soooooo much.

 

Since I got back from the weekend I was walking taller and feeling quite good. That being said, once I got back I found out some things that I wish I didn't. As usual I probably read into it too much but now I am more willing to accept it.

 

My friends were a great support but now I think I have to pursue frienships with other people as well to broaden my life and experiences.

 

So, if I had to recommend anything?? Do something you have wanted to do but never did. Of course this won't work for everyone but it is great start. If you get to meet new people you will find yourself able to think about that new experience with new people rather than dwelling.

 

Break the cycle!!