Lost&Sad Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I Havent posted anything anywhere before so Im not sure how much details are needed. Ok I found my soulmate/best friend in 2005. We had an amazing connection.. started dating.. then in 2007 he proposed... we got married in 2008.. and split up this year.. and are in the process of getting a divorce. Everything was great untill shortly after he proposed in 2007.. a few months later i started having a little bit of doubts.. because we were fighting at the time. About stupid little things. Then I started having tons of issues with family and friends.. and myself. I was in a whirlwind downhill spiral that led to depression.. which made me so lost and confused.. that i didnt know what to do or feel. Everything felt like a contradiction. For some reason at the time i was too scared to go to my fiancee and talk to him about it.. or communicate.. i guess i felt like i could deal with it all on my own.. i was truly stubborn. Then the pressure started being alot and getting to me.. and apparently i couldnt hide it that well at work. Cuz all the ppl at work noticed. Which hurt because i couldnt believe ppl i barely knew could see and notice and my own fiancee and family did not. It made me more of a mess. Then i got close to another guy at work.. he tried to help me fix things.. figure me out.. and in the process he fell in love with me.. and i thought i fell for him.. at the time i thought so because he was there for me to support and listen to me when my fiancee wasnt. (even though i see now that i didnt try hard enough with him or give him a chance to be) So all of the issues i thought i was having at the time.. seemed solved with this other guy.. and it made me so lost.. i didnt know what to do.. but i didnt want to leave my fiancee .. he was everything i knew. eventually i was so weak to the point that i didnt have any strength or power to fight any feelings or do the right thing. and i listened to all the wrong inside and I cheated on him. it hurt me so much.. that it didnt help my situation and made me more of a mess. Not only did i have everything on me.. i had the guilt of doing that and the sadness that i betrayed my fiancee and God. But the other guy convinced me that god would forgive me and that it was natural and it was all ok. When it wasnt. Eventually we stopped everything.. and just talked as friends.. I didnt tell my fiancee anything because i was so scared. I tried many times.. but not as hard as i should have. Then we got married.. and everything started looking better. untill a couple months after it seemed like all we were doing was fighting.. and it felt like it got so much worse. I didnt know what i wanted anymore or in the future.. i felt like i was trapped for some reason and didnt know why. Then that same guy started feeding on that.. he took all my issues and twisted it making my fiancee sound so bad.. and that i should leave.. he twisted it to make him look like the better guy.. wether this was intentional or not i dont know.. i think he aided in me being so much more lost.. so that i would go to him.. im not sure.. but i did.. and i gave into sin. And cheated on my husband with the same guy again.. Im not or never thought i would ever be the girl to do that to anyone especially him.. but i dont know what happened.. it makes me so sad. I didnt sleep around with any one else or anything it was just the one guy. the pressure got to me so much that i had to get away.. so i retreated to a safe place (grandmothers) to try and sort through my mess and figure myself out. Then that other guy started pressuring me saying i needed to get a divorce or he would leave me.. and i already felt so alone.. i felt like he was all i had and since he has or was there for me during everything else.. i didnt want to lose that. i was blinded by not allowing myself to realize that is what my husband was there for.. since the start. So the other guy stopped talking to me.. which made me feel a flood of emotions because i didnt want to loose a good friend that has been there where no one else was. so i looked at nothing but all the negatives with my husband.. to try and convince myself that we shouldnt be together.. (there werent many negatives) but i totally ignored all the positives (which i regret now).. when i came back i told my husband the truth about everything.. Which was in the time span of a year.. i couldnt lie to him anymore.. i couldnt even live with myself.. i couldnt believe it was inside for that long to start with.. and I told my husband that I wanted us to split up.. to seperate.. maybe get a divorce. so that i could figure myself out without anyone to worry about.. and then once i felt like my soul was healed to start over.. from the beginning.. and if we chose to get married again it would be all for the right reasons. I would be so into it without any lies of anykind. Cuz thats what i believed at the time.. and he agreed to everything but the divorce.. and i should of said ok and did it.. but instead i said i didnt know what i wanted.. and because (at the time) i thought i wasnt in love with him.. that it wouldnt of worked. He fought really hard, and i should of recognized it all at the time and i didnt. But then he did a twist and then started telling me to fight for the other guy.. which confused the hell out of me.. i couldnt believe it.. he convinced me.. and i did. I fought so hard for the other guy.. believing he would be the same guy he led me to believe. .. so a month later i moved out.. got my own place.. and another month goes by and my ex husband has a new gf.. and me and the other guy start to get close.. it felt and seemed like i was becoming happy again. the other guy had to move out of the place he was living.. and i needed a roomate as i couldnt afford rent on my own.. so he moved in.. we have been living together now for 6 months.. and in the last 6 months.. ive realized so much.. and have grown so much in what i believe and in my faith. 4months ago.. i started missing my ex so much.. for so many reasons.. and i realized so much that i didnt see before because i made myself blinded when everything was going on. But with all that time apart it has taught me alot.. all the things i took for granted with him.. and the things i didnt appreciate he did for me or us. . . and i realized how much i missed all that and how much it was important to me.. and how i hate how im living now because "the other guy" wasnt really making me happy.. it was worse.. everything he made me believe wasnt true.. i fell for someone one else who is not this guy.. and how it was all a lie. How my ex was the one that made me the happiest.. and the whole reason why i wasnt happy was because of me. Everything with family, friends and myself added up all at once.. and i was frustrated with myself.. and i look back and i realize there was no issues with my ex it was me.. not him. He was everything i ever wanted and could ever have.. but i was so selfish and couldnt see it cuz i looked at all the bad and wrong things.. like the devil was streering me away.. So i started thinking of ending it with the other guy and fight with everything inside me for my ex. Problem was he was dating someone and seemed happy and i didnt want to mess that up. So i continued with the other guy in fear of being alone.. and to distract me from all the pain.. the hurt. Ive been costing along with him ever since. Thing is my ex and his gf broke up a month ago or so.. and 2 months ago i found out i was pregnant (now 14weeks).. by this other guy. I love kids so much but i have so many mixed emotions about everything. I dont believe in abortion and i cant give it up.. i would hate myself. but i cant help but wish it was my ex's. cuz thats all i ever wanted.. was to be married once.. to one guy and have a family.. now im lost and confused and not sure what to do. Im not totally happy with the other guy.. and cant see us together forever.. and i have grown so much in my faith that i dont want to get divorced. After all of this.. i now really.. i mean truly understand and feel the truth about what love and marriage really means.. and it kills me everyday to have not known all of this sooner. My ex's family thinks if i pray, and have faith in God and my ex.. he will come around and forgive me and give me a second chance. Which i wish would happen. but they dont know about the baby. I feel so strong inside that the person you marry.. is the one you spend forever with.. for better and for worse.. no matter what it is. I believe if we could get thru this together our marriage could be stronger than ever.. and we would have a whole new meaning and understanding and feeling of love for one another.. it happens all the time with couples who have been thru worse and have come thru it together thru there faith. and have lasted for 25 years plus.. for life. I want that so badly to be us. Im so scared.. and i dont know what to do.. Ive recently been emailing him trying to explain everything.. and apoligizing.. and thanking him for being what he was when i didnt see it. (so within the last couple weeks ive been emailing him this stuff).. but what i didnt know was that in the beginning of sept (shortly after he gf broke up with him).. he filed for a petition of divorce.. so 2 weeks ago or so.. i got served. I died inside when that happened. Because I screwed everything up between us.. all because i couldnt see.. and because i listened to ppl at work.. becausee i was being selfish.. and not thinking clearly.. and now i feel like i lost the one true love of my life.. my best friend.. my soul mate.. and i want so bad to have him back. but i have lil faith right now.. because of the pregnancy and i dont know what to do.. (Sorry its long)
tryagaintoday Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 L&S, I really don't know what to advice you on but I feel like posting just to let you know that at least somebody cares. Everything happens for a reason. Why not take this as a learning point and better yourself for the future, for your happiness? Do you have close friends or family member that you can talk to? It will help.
boldjack Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 OP, You have totally screwed up your marriage, and now are with someone that you don't love. IMO, you need to leave the guy you're with, get a divorce from you husband, live by yourself, and fix the problems within YOU!! Don't date, don't see either of these guys, until you have matured enough to be an honest person. Get Help, counseling is available, or therapy to help you with your issues. It is a lot of hard work, but you will be way happier and will be able to have an honest, and true love, when you have changed you way of thinking. Good Luck
Author Lost&Sad Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Ive talked with friends and family and they seem to think that i shouldnt give up all hope with my marriage.. even with the divorce in motion.. they think i should have faith in my husband and in god. But how? its hard.. especially since im now pregnant As for this break up guide.. do you really think it will help.. even with my messed up situation? Do you believe there is hope? Yes i know i screwed up my marriage.. but this mess has taught me alot and helped me grow extremely in my faith. With my faith.. I dont believe in divorce and that you can overcome anything with that person you married.. anything is possible.. Thats the thing.. i believed with this whole process i have fixed alot of the issues with me.. except for what to do.. since i dont want a divorce. I have gone thru some counselling and that is how i ended up here in need of peoples opinions on if.. they think my ex will be able to pull thru this and give me another chance?
boldjack Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Op, are you still living with the other guy? And who is the baby's father? If you are still living with the OM, and your baby is his, then You probably have no chance to stay married. What man would allow his wife to live with another man, and have his child, and take her back?
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 What is your ex telling you about the possibility of a reconciliation? How does he feel about the baby that you are carrying? You need to find out from your ex - not from his family or friends, and not from a bunch of strangers on an internet relationship forum. As far as I am aware, your prayers and Faith are your personal lines of communication exclusively between you and your God, for your personal guidance and comfort. I've never heard that it is a 3-way line [so] I don't think that you are going to learn what your ex is thinking, feeling and wanting if you resort only to prayers and Faith. IMO, you would be wiser to take a more active and independent role in your life. Make it your business to have some type of communication-discussion with your ex. You have absolutely nothing to lose, by the sound of things.
Author Lost&Sad Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 yes right now i am living with him.. but not by choice.. but because i cant afford to live anywhere else or on my own.. and im trying to figure out my options on all of that. I know we wont be living together soon. My ex also lived with his last gf for a bit.. before they broke up. But yes its the other guys baby. I wish it wasnt but it is. I know with the baby it makes it hard to seem like there is any shread of a chance.. but for some reason something inside me wont let me give up. When i told my husband the truth about the other guy back 5-6 months ago.. he was ready and willing to give me a second chance.. if thats what i wanted.. and at the time i felt like i didnt know what i wanted.. which to him meant that i didnt love him but i did.. always have.. still do. (i hate myself for not saying yes and taking that chance.. but i was still so lost at that time.) Now i know everything inside me.. and how i feel and what i want. But now he doesnt seem to want to reconcile anything.. becasue of his last gf.. she screwed him up worse than i thought i did He doesnt know about the baby yet.. I want to tell him in person.. not over email or text or antyhing. thats just mean and wrong. But yes ive tried many times to talk to him.. and emailed many emails.. but there is not much.. I know he still has every email and mentions what i say or sent to him to his mom.. so it does mean something.. or else he would of deleted it all and not mentioned anything.. But yesturday i heard that he may have a new interest with a new girl.. and that scares me because everything wont have the same affect or outcome then it would of if he was not interested in anyone else. He mentioned awhile ago that he lost all his feelings for me because he said that told him i didnt love him anymore.. which was a lie. I never said that once.. and i explained that to him and sent him a reply.. havent heard a word from him yet. we both have a pair of friends who are a couple.. also married.. and they know both of us. Ive told them about my situation.. including the baby and they also still have faith and think that he would or will come around. but this divorce is happening so quickly.. that im scared.. i dont want a divorce.
Author Lost&Sad Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 So I spoke with my lawyer and everything.. and I guess my ex can stop this divorce at any time. But only he has the power to do so.. And the divorce cant be finalized untill Jan/Feb. So thats good news I suppose. But now there is apparently a new girl that he might be interested or so Ive heard from others. If thats the case.. any fighting or reconsilation i try to do might not matter.. so im once again lost and confused.. and more sad. Is there ANY.. even a tiny shread of hope for us?
boldjack Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Sorry to say, that for this marriage, there is no hope. OP, you have screwed over your husband too many times, and are living with another man, why would your husband want you? He would never be able to trust you and you would never be a good woman for him.. You need to leave the man your living with, get your own life straight, and find someone else. Then never cheat again.
Author Lost&Sad Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Have you been the other guy? In a similar situation? Is that why you think it would never work again? ... What do you mean i screwed him over many times.. no i havent. I cheated yes but I didnt screw him over with anything else. Im not living with the other guy anymore. I have got my life striaght now.. it was a mess before. I am seeing clearly where before i was lost in a haze. I wouldnt ever cheat on anyone else again. But Do you not believe that love can conquer all? or that there is always some hope in any situation?
boldjack Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 OP, You lied to your then-fiance many times by not going to him with your worries. , you cheated on him repeatedly, he now knows that you can't possibly be trusted. Whenever you were having troubles instead of going to your husband, which you should have, you went to another man's bed.. So you don't really love your husband and don't respect him either. Plus, you are carrying another man's child. You surely can't believe your h wants anything to do with you, at this point. He has gone on and now has another girl, who doesn't lie to him, doesn't cheat on him, and loves and respects him. Why would he want you? Love isn't enough if there has been too many issues. For there to be true love, there must be trust, they are part of the same thing. You must learn from this and go on, heal your wounds, raise youe child and find a new man, then prove your love by being faithful.
boldjack Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 OP, Are you serious? You lied to him, cheated on him, and are knocked up by another man, and you say that you didn't screw him over? You can't be that ignorant.
Woggle Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I think you have to face the fact that you ruined this marriage. You had a good man and you threw it all away. Hopefully this will be a lesson for future relationships.
Author Lost&Sad Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Ok... how do i delete this thread that i started?
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