TomH Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 A week ago today my wife left me and I am completely devastated. We have been together for 10 years since I was 16 and she was 15 and have been married for almost 5 years. I am in complete shock and struggling to get through each day. I honestly believed that we would be together forever. She was my whole World and I had built everything around her and making her happy. A week ago she came and told me that she didn’t love me anymore. She swore she was not cheating but just felt like over the years we have both changed and grown apart. She said she felt smothered and trapped in our relationship. She then told me the ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’ line. I begged her to give us another chance but she said she had felt like this for ages and that she made her decision. She told me later in the week that she has known since January time. Since then we have shared two amazing holidays and have had some great times. This makes it hard to get my head around it. She so went and stayed at her friends for a night. The next morning I begged her to give us another week. I am not for minute saying that I don’t have my faults but I have always loved and looked after her. I told her I would change and be the better me and that together we would through this. I suggested marriage counselling which she completely refused and has refused again since. She reluctantly agreed to stay for a week and she did come back that evening but I could see she wasn’t trying. The next morning she decided to go back and stay with her friend. Her friend is not exactly being supportive of her giving her marriage another go either which doesn’t help. She has been coming back and for to collect some clothes etc. I have tried so hard to make her see how much I love her and the good times we have had together and just what she is throwing away. I have sent flowers to work, written her letters; put together a photo album full of mementos from throughout our life together. I have not even for a minute been horrible to her. The best I got from these were that they made her sad but that they didn’t change anything. The other night she stayed for tea and told me that she wanted some proper space and didn’t want to communicate at all for a week. She is still going to come back to the house to do washing etc but when I am not here. She came and watched a singing performance of mine yesterday partly I think to keep up the Act to my family. We haven’t told any of them yet. Just because we don’t want to give them unnecessary upset. I am basically getting through this on my own at the moment. I asked her yesterday if she would contact me in a week and she said she didn’t know. She said she doesn’t think anything will make a difference. I have never seen her be so cold and just completely closed down. The things and the way she is saying them especially is just so hurtful. I have told her the reality of her decision and that we may never speak or see each other again. After 10 years of being together for me that would be awful. I know though I cannot watch the one girl of my dreams get on with her life without me and then meet new people. I am really failing to see that there could be any light at the end of the tunnel and I just don’t believe she will be coming home. I would do anything to save us.
Logik Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Your story is the same as mine. Mine happened 3 months ago. All you can do is accept it. My story is on here if you would like to read it. I know reading other people's stories helps me to get to grips with my situation and know that I'm not alone. It's gonna be hard for a while. You'll lose weight and not be able to eat. You need to tell your family. You need their support. It took me a week to tell mine (except for my brother, who I stayed with for a week). Be strong. I had the same feeling that my wife wouldn't be coming back, and she hasn't. As for doing anything to save your marriage, rather do anything to save yourself.
LisaUk Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Hi So sorry to hear another one joining our ranks. My story is similar to yours, 18 years together,(from age 15), lived together 10 years and he jilted me five weeks after we set the date to marry, said he hadn't loved me in 8 years! (Big commitment problem). I hate to say this but that line she gave you usually indicates an affair. If not physical then emotional. Dig around, I'm willing to bet even if she hasn't acted upon her feelings for another, there is an OM lurking in the wings somewhere. For her to stay with you 9 months, unhappy, go on holidays etc, that just smacks of BS to me. This is going to sound harsh but people like my ex and your wife have no sense of commitment, no staying power, no substance, she won't even consider MC????????? What did she think you made vows for? Does she think marriage is easy, that it just happens, relationships take work, even friendships take work. If you don't manage to turn this around take comfort in the fact that she walked, bailed, you deserve better than that. OK, that all said the one chance you have is something called the 180, google divorce busting the 180 rules are there. Essentially you have to show her that although you want to work it out, you are fine without her. This goes against every natural instinct you have (like the photos, flowers) but it is the only chance, kind of like reverse psychology. Other than that, I know you are in a world of pain right now, my words probably seem very harsh to you, they would have to me 7 months ago. You WILL BE OK, you will get through this, the people on here are wonderful, they pull you back from the brink and set you up to move forward. I'm not saying it's easy, and I still backslide and feel pain, but it does get easier. My advice to you is to take one hour at a time, get through this hour, then the next. Keep posting, LS has helped me so much, without it I don't think I would be here writing to you.
hopesndreams Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 She's enjoying the single life with a friend whose M is also on the rocks. Whether there is an OM or not, she is at the very least thinking of having one. My money is on the fact she is seeing someone else and she will hide it from you forever if need be. You need to back off from her, no more flowers, no more "I love you", this will only remind her that she no longer loves you. She wants out of the M, so pack her stuff and let her know you want all of it out and no more coming by whenever it suits her. Time to show you can live your life without her, and quite happily, even though you are devastated. Do not show her your despair. Show her how strong you are and how well you can cope. This will show you are not "needy", no one wants to be around anyone that is "needy". By cutting her out of your life it could very well wake her up to the fact that she does indeed love you. She will wonder about you and when you show how well life goes on without her, she will respect you for it, and in turn, want to be part of it. I know it sounds crazy but it's the only thing that will give you a chance at getting her back. Nothing, and I mean, nothing else will work. Do investigate. If there is an OM lurking nearby or there is someone in her life, other than you that she is sharing her heart with, you need to know. Otherwise, she's gone for good and nothing will bring her back. Is it just a matter of her falling out of love? No, it usually isn't and all the signs are there that she is looking for the greener grass.
lupa Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Having been through something similar, all I can say to you, my friend, is that with time it does get better. I no longer cry, and that should offer solace and comfort to you. One day you will only have memories, and the pain will be a memory, too, and nothing more. Hold on tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride, but remember, there are people here who have felt your pain, and we will do our best to help you understand that you didn't just die...and you will get better.
Bobby2010 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I'd put money on it being another guy. "A week ago she came and told me that she didn’t love me anymore. She swore she was not cheating but just felt like over the years we have both changed and grown apart." Heard the exact same load of BS, as I'm sure others have. I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it. Take care.
confused71 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Sorry to hear you are going through this.But like a lot of the other replys I would do some digging around and see if someone else has turned her head. Trust me I have been through this and am now divorced ,a lot due to not taking advice on here. You should try and check the computer if you have access to her emails or check cellphone bills for evidence of lots of calls to a strange number. The fact she is unwilling to try counselling speaks volumes. Reseach the 180 thing (there should be some information on here somewhere) And do not beg her or keep saying you love her...in fact act as if you are moving on with your life. Best of luck
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Hi I hate to say this but that line she gave you usually indicates an affair. If not physical then emotional. OK, that all said the one chance you have is something called the 180, google divorce busting the 180 rules are there. Essentially you have to show her that although you want to work it out, you are fine without her. Other than that, I know you are in a world of pain right now, my words probably seem very harsh to you, they would have to me 7 months ago. Dude - Your story sounds just like mine. 99.9% chance that the OM is with her already. Would you want to take her back if you knew this? If yes, then your only chance is to 180 and start NC or very minimal C immediately. Like Lisa said - if she knew you would be fine without her maybe she would think differently. And finally, you probably had something to do with her "falling out of love" --> If you want her back and "in love" with you make d*mn sure you have changed whatever the root cause of her getting to this point. GOOD LUCK man - Hang in there. Sorry you are going thru this...
seibert253 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Dude - Your story sounds just like mine. 99.9% chance that the OM is with her already. Would you want to take her back if you knew this? If yes, then your only chance is to 180 and start NC or very minimal C immediately. Like Lisa said - if she knew you would be fine without her maybe she would think differently. And finally, you probably had something to do with her "falling out of love" --> If you want her back and "in love" with you make d*mn sure you have changed whatever the root cause of her getting to this point. GOOD LUCK man - Hang in there. Sorry you are going thru this... This is dead on. ILUBNILWY = OM, or a potential OM in waiting. Read up on the 180 and start now. Go LC, talk about nothing but kids and finances. Don't not return her calls or texts. The 180 is for you, not to win her back. It's to help you heal and move on. But, one good thing that sometimes happens is that when the OS see's you moving on, they tend to re-evaluate what they've done.
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