Both want divorce, but she wants appearance of marriage for her dad

[cms]

I'm sure someone out there has seen this before ... but I'm just plain confused on how to respond to friend's situation ...

 

Both he & his wife agree that they should no longer be together. They're now living on separate floors in the house, different bedrooms, separate bank accounts, she said they could both date others (she may have someone specific in mind) ...

 

But she wants to keep up the appearance of being married for her father ... he's mid 80s and health is OK. He could live another 10 years or another 10 days.

 

They are going to continue "living together" and not file any legal papers ... at least not right now ...

 

To me this seems a little crazy. I want to be supportive - but how?

This situation doesn't appear to allow for healing or moving on ... or getting involved with anyone new.

 

How to respond to friend .... when he may be more than a friend?

[guest]

Hi,

 

I wouldn't do that.

It sounds manipulative to me, it's like you are her "backup plan" or something like that.

 

I would go for a full separation, you move out of she would but that's kind of sick to bring your dates to the house where you ex lives you will have hard time getting women to think you are serious about dating.

 

 

hope I helped.

 

you are a person too, your needs matter and you need to move on.

Good luck!

[Desert Wind]

My next door neighbor is living such live His wife is taking the floor upstairs and when we moved there, she made it a point to tell my husband that she isn't married anymore with her husband.

 

We don't question them because that's their life, and as such it's not for us to say whether it really work for them or not. But it seems, from my husband's conversations with the neighbor, they have been divorced for 4 years and his wife has a boyfriend. For the same reason like your friend, the parents are still very much alive.

 

Oh well...

 

I really have no experience there what it feels to like someone in that situation and wants to bring the relationship further. Maybe just be honest with your feelings and see what he says. From what the neighbor told my husband, she usually goes to her boyfriend and stays there.

 

Desert Wind

[moonspinner]

I would stay so out of it.

[Desert Wind]

moonspinner... I don't understand your question??

Yes, I am married and happily so. I am just responding to the poster and I am baffled at your remark.

 

Can you elaborate?

 

Desert Wind

[moonspinner]

Sorry Desert Wind, I got distracted and mixed up response to cms.

 

I caught my mistake, then edited my answer, but it must of posted somehow.

[Desert Wind]

Need more coffee???

 

Desert Wind

[moonspinner]

My dogs are bugging me to take them for a walk so off I go.

[cms]

Does it seem normal to pretend to live as husband and wife just to keep up appearances?

To me it sounds like living a lie.

 

So I understand the response to "Stay out of it" ...

 

But how does the husband not break the father-in-laws heart - - they are very close and have been for almost two decades ...

 

What are the chances that this is "her way" to keep him around for the "social" & "financial" marriage reasons? To me it seems like that would be the goal ...

 

She can't really move on with her life by insisting that he stay and pretend to be living happily ever after ... and neither can he ...

 

Ugh! I'm frustrated b/c I'm involved on the peripheral ... and don't know how to react ...

[moonspinner]

Hi cms,

 

Imo, alot of married people keep up the appearance of being man and wife for lots of reasons..living a lie is a good way to describe it.

 

I get the sneaking suspicion that you are a romantic, somewhat idealistic person. I used to be miss love -is- a -many -splendoured thing , but after a series of bumps and grinds, found a really happy medium about my own thing with love.

 

Anyway your instincts about feeling uncomfortable about the situation are right on...how to react, well, you do know how to react, because you are reacting.

 

One thing to remember however is you have no control over their situation...I will go even farther to say that THEY don't have any control over their own situation it seems.

 

Their relationship, as you describes, reminds me of a rudderless ship, or a big grey area, or a flight over the Bermuda triangle.

 

 

 

They are going to continue "living together" and not file any legal papers ... at least not right now ...

 

 

 

 

Yuk girl. Who is to say they aren't still sleeping together..and how much do you like this guy anyway?

 

 

 

Cut to the chase and be a scientist. OBSERVE BEHAVIOR...weigh it the most over what is said to you, because, I didn't come up with this one, actions speak louder than words.

 

 

Please decide what you want in a healthy, reciprocal, non-cryptic relationship, one that is good for you, and go get it..be it friend or lover.

 

I leave you with these words ...Believe NOTHING you hear and HALF of everything you see.

 

You deserve to receive the love you are willing to give.

 

 

Good Luck