goatboytone Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) Hi there the girl I have been in love with for 12 months has been questioning our relationship recently due to, I believe, my insecurity and paranoia and also her previous relationship of 8years in which she was the partner of an extremely jealous and possessive guy. She has told me that because of her past experiences she does not have any tolerance for guys who are possessive or needy, which I think is totally understandable. We had some time apart recently, but I managed to convey the fact that I would work on myself seriously to stop my negative feelings and trust her. My problem is this, for months now since before there was any problem between us she has told me that she is getting back in contact with an old boyfriend of hers, some body who she was in a secret relationship with whilst with her partner of 8years (just to put it in perspective her partner cheated on her multiple times and was abusive to her before she began this affair). She maintains that there is nothing more between them than the urge to reconcile an old friendship, apparantly they were really good friends before things developed. My problem is this, a few days ago she told me that he had asked her to come to his hometown for a night out with him, this would also involve staying at his house afterwards, and I think she is thinking about it. As far as I'm concerned this is over stepping the boundary and I would not go and do the same thing. However I don't feel like I can just come out and tell her not to go because of my past issues with jealousy and paranoia which nearly led to us breaking up. I want so badly to be able to trust her completely, because I love the person she is, but I feel like this is pushing at my limits. Also I used to be friends with this guy and it bothers me that he is just calling and texting my girl and not me, I would have no problem with her being friends with an ex, just as long as I could be around too, but she claims she understands that he just wants to spend a little time with her alone to catch up. Also mutual friends have told me that this guy is not to be trusted, I think I am more paranoid over his motives. What is your opinion on this? My heart says to show her trust, but at the same time I know it will hurt me tremendously if she were to go and do this. How do I approach this given that she has already told me she has no patience for insecurity or jealousy? Many thanks Edited October 4, 2009 by goatboytone Link to post Share on other sites
Author goatboytone Posted October 4, 2009 Author Share Posted October 4, 2009 ps. i've just realised the date which he invited her over is tonight and even though we had plans today she has cancelled them saying that she feels unwell. My paranoia is really kicking into overdrive! I don't want to believe she would lie to me to go and meet this guy, but my alarm signals are going off like crazy! Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Bleeve Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 ps. i've just realised the date which he invited her over is tonight and even though we had plans today she has cancelled them saying that she feels unwell. My paranoia is really kicking into overdrive! I don't want to believe she would lie to me to go and meet this guy, but my alarm signals are going off like crazy! Help! You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't let her make you feel guilty because of the way she was treated in the past. Relationships need boundaries and her staying at another guys house and going out with him with you not invited is way beyond anything you should put up with. And alarm signals (gut feelings) are usually correct and probably are in this case. Trusting her is one thing but she is asking you to be a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 so basically, she's saying no matter what i do you'll have to trust me,no questions asked. buddy you're setting your self up for a world of hurt. because there are no clear boundries set,she's going to just walkall over you and expect you to except it. she's canceled your date to be with him and she's going to sleep over at his house(which by the way he's a ex bf) buddy no disrespect intended, but are you crazy? ask her if she'd appreciate you doing that? come on man,quit letting her walk all over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 He's an old friend of yours? Then why wouldn't he ask BOTH of you to his house and to go out all together, since this is just friendship and re-establishing contact, right? Bottom line - your GF is going to her ex-lover's home to spend the night after they go out for a date (might as well call a spade a spade, you know). That is not ok in a committed relationship. She is using her past BF's issues to force you into accepting something that is not acceptable. Call her, and tell her that you want to go with her. That you and John always had fun together, and it would be really great for the 3 of you to go hang out. See what she says, and how she reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Tell her since she's feeling unwell, you're going to go over and take care of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 goatboy...sounds like there was a reason her old boyfriend acted possessive...looks like she was giving him good reason. Not that being possessive is condonable. her x was probably the way he was because of her character. sounds like this girl is a run around. you might consider cutting your losses and find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
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