Contacted the ex

[EricaH329]

I know you all are probably sick and tired of hearing about this situation, but I thought i'd give you a little bit of an update.

 

I contacted my ex fiance today, just to talk to him. At first we were just talking about random stuff, which was cool... that's what I wanted. I had no intention on talking about our relationship, and to be honest... I didn't want to. I wanted to talk to him as a friend. I miss him as a friend.

 

We talked for a couple of hours. I told him how long my hair was getting, and he said he wanted to see it and asked if I could get on webcam. I was hesitant at first, but I did it anyway. He told me how pretty I looked, and then asked me if I still loved him. I told him of course, and he replied with "Good because I still love you, very much. That never went away."

 

I tried to change the subject a couple of times, but he kept going back to the same thing. He was saying how he feels like it's all his fault that we didn't work out, and then he said exactly what I was waiting for him to say forever. "I have issues, serious issues, and it's driving me crazy." I knew he was struggling with himself... I could tell close to when we broke up.

 

Anyway, we talked about that for awhile, and how he hopes that when he gets out of the military I wont be married and have kids by then. I told him that I hoped I did, since that's what I want. He got sad and said that he wants that too, but with me.

 

We reminsced for a little while, listening to songs that we haven't heard since we first got together... he told me he loved me a couple of more times, and that he was sorry that he is going through so much right now with himself. And that when we were together, before he went into the military, he was the happiest he's ever been.

 

At the end of the conversation, he told me, again, that he loves me very much and right before he signed off... he sent me a link to a youtube video. It was the song "All My Loving" by the Beatles.

 

I'm not too sure how I feel right now. I don't really feel any differently. Happy that I got to talk to him, and know that he's doing alright. I feel bad for him because he doesn't really have anyone to talk to about what's going on with him. I know how much he's struggling with himself right now, and I wish there was a way I could take it all away. I hate to see him suffering the way he is.

 

Anyway, I thought i'd give that update. I'm a little confused... mostly because i'm not sure if I should feel anything or not... and if I should, I don't know what it would be. I feel like there is an emotional wall when it comes to him. Like I don't let myself get to a certain point with him emotionally anymore. I love him, I do. I always will. He was my first love. But I think i'm finally able to fully accept the fact that we cannot be together. So that feeling of love I have, is the unconditional kind. No hopes or fantasies attached, just pure love. I feel blessed to be able to experience that.

[Lamak]

First rule of breakups: When you lose a spouse, you lose a friend as well.

You're lingering around and although it may feel good for the time being, it will slow the healing process. Stay away.

[EricaH329]

I feel as though i've healed already though. I don't want to be with him anymore, not right now at least. I'm very focused on myself, and what I need to do to improve my life. It just feels good to have him in my life again. As a friend.

[Phedre]

I for sure understand the feelings of wanting your best friend back, even if you know you don't want the relationship back. Today was hard for me not because I missed the marriage, but because I miss my stbx as a friend. Just hanging out and doing whatever. He was my everything all rolled in to one for 3 years <shrug> of course I miss him.

 

However, I will caution you about one thing... this happened with me and my stbx (who coincidentally is also in the military) back when we dated the very first time (yeah, we've had a few break ups with a lot of time in between getting back together prior to getting married)... we both dated other people, I even was in a committed relationship (my ex was just a whore ), but no matter what, we ALWAYS kept this big spot in our heart for each other. Not like that little spot you have for your first love, but like such a big spot it was unfair for either of us to date anyone else. We just kept *hoping* we would both be available when we were both ready (aka he) were ready for a serious relationship. Mind you we wouldn't admit this to anyone else, though we would say it to each other in varying degrees of seriousness and intensity.

 

So we never gave ourselves totally to each other, but because of each other couldn't give ourselves totally to another person. BEWARE of letting this happen to you! You don't want to do what I did and hurt someone else who gets their feelings tangled up with yours when yours aren't clear. Also, if you REALLY want kids and a family, YOU are going to be denying yourself that by holding out hope for him. My stbx told me that in 3 or 4 years he thinks he will be ready to be the husband I deserve.. so spending the 3 years I have already spent wasn't enough, now I have to wait 3 or 4 MORE???!! Just how long does your ex think you need to wait until YOU get to be happy and do what you want?

 

Also, maybe re-examine if the emotional wall you are talking about really is there because you can't go to the place of love and deep feelings for him anymore and NOT like I did - i thought I had built a wall, but really it was a damn that kept my love for him alive, though hidden and let my heart repair the hurt he had caused me and hope that he would *finally change*

 

Did I mention he repeated the same 'wrong' behavior he showed while we were dating after we were married?

 

Sounds like you have made/are making a lot of progress.. IMO you should just do a quick reality check to make sure you are being totally honest with yourself

 

Take Care

Edited October 5, 2009 by Phedre

[EricaH329]

I for sure understand the feelings of wanting your best friend back, even if you know you don't want the relationship back. Today was hard for me not because I missed the marriage, but because I miss my stbx as a friend. Just hanging out and doing whatever. He was my everything all rolled in to one for 3 years <shrug> of course I miss him.

 

However, I will caution you about one thing... this happened with me and my stbx (who coincidentally is also in the military) back when we dated the very first time (yeah, we've had a few break ups with a lot of time in between getting back together prior to getting married)... we both dated other people, I even was in a committed relationship (my ex was just a whore ), but no matter what, we ALWAYS kept this big spot in our heart for each other. Not like that little spot you have for your first love, but like such a big spot it was unfair for either of us to date anyone else. We just kept *hoping* we would both be available when we were both ready (aka he) were ready for a serious relationship. Mind you we wouldn't admit this to anyone else, though we would say it to each other in varying degrees of seriousness and intensity.

 

So we never gave ourselves totally to each other, but because of each other couldn't give ourselves totally to another person. BEWARE of letting this happen to you! You don't want to do what I did and hurt someone else who gets their feelings tangled up with yours when yours aren't clear. Also, if you REALLY want kids and a family, YOU are going to be denying yourself that by holding out hope for him. My stbx told me that in 3 or 4 years he thinks he will be ready to be the husband I deserve.. so spending the 3 years I have already spent wasn't enough, now I have to wait 3 or 4 MORE???!! Just how long does your ex think you need to wait until YOU get to be happy and do what you want?

 

My ex did imply a couple of times that he wants to try and be with me when he gets out of the military. Also that he doesn't want to be with anyone else because of the amount of love he has for me.

 

I, on the other hand, am not going to wait for it. I made that clear to him. There are many reasons why we cannot be together now, and since that's the case, i'm not going to wait for the time that is right.

 

I will always love this man. He will always have a place in my heart. And maybe, if the timing is right at some point down the line, and neither of us are in relationships, then just maybe we could try it again. But, i'm not going to deny myself the happiness I deserve (whether it be alone, or with someone else) because of him.

 

In all reality, I believe I have a good idea of how love works. Even though I will always love him, the love will eventually fade as time goes on. It'll always be there, but it won't be as strong. I can tell already because the love I have for him now has already started to fade a little bit.

 

Also, maybe re-examine if the emotional wall you are talking about really is there because you can't go to the place of love and deep feelings for him anymore and NOT like I did - i thought I had built a wall, but really it was a damn that kept my love for him alive, though hidden and let my heart repair the hurt he had caused me and hope that he would *finally change*

 

Did I mention he repeated the same 'wrong' behavior he showed while we were dating after we were married?

 

Sounds like you have made/are making a lot of progress.. IMO you should just do a quick reality check to make sure you are being totally honest with yourself

 

Take Care

 

I have moments of clarity, and I have moments of confusion. The moments of clarity though, are so clear and vivid that I feel as though I know exactly what i'm doing. The moments of confusion, on the other hand, leave me wondering what's going to happen next. What I mean is... today for example, after we spoke, I was confused as to how I should feel. I didn't feel anything really. Happy I got to talk to him, but besides that... no feelings of longing, or nostalgia. I admit, a couple of hours ago I cried for a few minutes, not really crying... more like a few tears that slid down my cheek.

 

I'm not sure exactly why that happened, it was a moment of confusion. That emotional wall that I built refuses to let me feel any sort of emotion because of him. As I was crying, I wasn't sure why... I didn't feel sad. I was thinking about him, but there were no emotions. Writing this out, it sounds confusing... i'm trying to describe it as best as I can. It also sounds a little unhealthy.

 

I'm not sure exactly what to make of all this. But I have faith in myself that whatever type of healing that's going on, is in my best interest.

[Odyssey]

I feel as though i've healed already though...It just feels good to have him in my life again. As a friend.

You might be feeling ready. But is he ready to be just your friend right now?

 

Judging from what you've said during the previous webcam contact between the two of you, he's pretty far from ready.

[DustySaltus]

Erica, if you really love him you just have to leave him alone. He's not thinking like you are. You are giving him hope for the future. Hope is a very powerful but dangerous thing if it is used in the wrong way. I know he was your best friend and I'm really sorry for what you are going through but you need to let him go, especially if your wall is up. If you truly want him to be happy, you HAVE to do this. Otherwise, get back together and try and make it work. But there's no middle ground here anymore.

[mickleb]

This love you are so conscious of feeling for him could hold you back from the love you deserve to find from someone else, also.

 

Look forward or you will be held back. x

[EricaH329]

You might be feeling ready. But is he ready to be just your friend right now?

 

Judging from what you've said during the previous webcam contact between the two of you, he's pretty far from ready.

 

You know, i'm not sure if he's ready. The first time we broke up he told me that he really wanted to be friends. The second time we broke up I told him, before we even talked about being friends, that I needed to go NC for myself.

 

 

Erica, if you really love him you just have to leave him alone. He's not thinking like you are. You are giving him hope for the future. Hope is a very powerful but dangerous thing if it is used in the wrong way. I know he was your best friend and I'm really sorry for what you are going through but you need to let him go, especially if your wall is up. If you truly want him to be happy, you HAVE to do this. Otherwise, get back together and try and make it work. But there's no middle ground here anymore.

 

It didn't really seem as though he was having a hard time though. I've never really been just friends with him before, when we first met we started dating immediatly. I'd like to try to be friends with him, I appreciate him as a person... but maybe you're right. Maybe I am giving him false hope? This is totally unfair. I guess I'll leave him alone until he's ready. He knows where to find me when he's ready to be friends.

 

This love you are so conscious of feeling for him could hold you back from the love you deserve to find from someone else, also.

 

Look forward or you will be held back. x

 

I love him but i'm not in love with him. Do you think that could possibly hold me back from loving someone else? I'm not sure... I hope not.

[mickleb]

Yeah, I think so, hon.

 

If you do happen to meet someone anytime soon, you might feel it wouldn't be fair on them to even date them because you still love your ex. I mean, if they asked a few questions, you wouldn't want to be completely honest with them, would you?

 

I can't imagine how hard it must be to walk away from the kind of words he is giving you right now but, ultimately, that IS all they are, isn't it?

 

You are very nearly where you should be, I think and this kind of contact is keeping you from getting what you really want: him out of your system so you can begin your future, with whoever enters that.

 

And the love you feel will probably fade significantly when you completely let go. I don't see the 'pure love' you describe as being a blessing. I see it as what holds you to him. And what that does, is keep you 'protected' from what's ahead. Or, stuck where you are.

 

I hope you get what you want. x

[EricaH329]

Yeah, I think so, hon.

 

If you do happen to meet someone anytime soon, you might feel it wouldn't be fair on them to even date them because you still love your ex. I mean, if they asked a few questions, you wouldn't want to be completely honest with them, would you?

 

I can't imagine how hard it must be to walk away from the kind of words he is giving you right now but, ultimately, that IS all they are, isn't it?

 

You are very nearly where you should be, I think and this kind of contact is keeping you from getting what you really want: him out of your system so you can begin your future, with whoever enters that.

 

And the love you feel will probably fade significantly when you completely let go. I don't see the 'pure love' you describe as being a blessing. I see it as what holds you to him. And what that does, is keep you 'protected' from what's ahead. Or, stuck where you are.

 

I hope you get what you want. x

 

I honestly dont think that i'll find someone to love anytime soon. I'm almost positive that by the time I find someone that I could even consider giving my heart to again, the love that I have for my ex will have faded to the point where it doesn't interfere with the new relationship.

 

As far as getting him out of my system goes... i'm not sure that'll ever happen. Maybe that's because i'm not as over it as I thought I might have been?? Or because he was my first love, and they aren't ever fully out of someones system? I have no clue. But, what I do know is that he is no longer going to control my life. In any aspect.

 

I suppose after all is said and done though, I shouldn't be friends with him right now. I know that he doesn't want to let the love that he has for me go, he's made that clear (which also scares me a little bit). So I guess this needs to be done for myself. I thought I could handle being friends with him, and I still do think that... but maybe i'm wrong? Maybe in a couple of weeks from now (if I continue to stay friends with him) i'll really regret it?

 

I just want what's best for me. And it's so hard to see what that is right now.

[adamt]

I honestly dont think that i'll find someone to love anytime soon. I'm almost positive that by the time I find someone that I could even consider giving my heart to again, the love that I have for my ex will have faded to the point where it doesn't interfere with the new relationship.

 

It is early days, you are still hooked on your ex and he is controlling your thoughts. Over time is will fade, but you first need to be ready to want to let go and move on. If you are meant to get back together then even if you are trying to move on then it will happen. You need to focus on yourself and fill your time on things you like doing. then you have less time to think about the ex. Eventually you will find someone else, at the moment it is only natural that everyone gets compared to the ex.

 

At this moment you should not be friends and cut all links and contact and jsut worry about yourself

Edited October 5, 2009 by adamt

[boogieboy]

Erica I understand that you want whats best for you, but dont be selfish, because trying to be friendly with him doesnt make HIM feel any better, its probably torture to him. If you want to avoid the subject of you two, and he doesnt, then you shouldnt be talking to him. I know you miss him but its not all about you, and you should have some consideration for his feelings. You really should not call him again just for your satisfaction, that just isnt right.

[Lamak]

First rule of breakups: When you lose a spouse, you lose a friend as well.

You're lingering around and although it may feel good for the time being, it will slow the healing process. Stay away.

 

Like I said before, you're confused on what you want. If you stay in the position you are at the moment, it'll blow up in your face. Just leave him alone and don't think about him coming back. That part of your life is gone, dead, done, over with. If he does come back, it should be when all love talk has died.

[EricaH329]

I think i'm giving off the wrong impression. Even though I love him (not in love with him) I don't want to be back with him. I know that realistically it just wouldn't work. We are two different people now, and he is struggling with his own issues that no one can do anything about but himself, and he isn't worried about fixing them. There is no hidden agenda that I have about being friends with him.

 

Also, I was under the impression (maybe I was wrong) that he wanted to have me in his life. I know that the last time we broke up he told me that he would rather have me in his life as friends than not have me in it at all. I think the main reason why the majority of our conversation this time was about our past relationship was because we never had the chance to talk about it. I think he wanted to 'clear the air' so to speak.

 

If he can't be friends with me right now, i'm most definitely not going to push it on him. I'm not trying to be selfish, I thought that this was what we both wanted. To remain in eachothers lives as friends. Yes, we love eachother, but I love my best friend too and i'm still friends with her. You can be friends with someone if you love them... just now when you are in love with them.

 

I sent him something last night when he had already signed off line telling him that I am more than willing to be just friends with him right now. He hasn't responded. The ball is in his court. Really, it doesn't matter to me either way... because one way or another, I will be happy.

[boogieboy]

Yeah but what you might not understand is he is telling you he wants to be friends so he can work on getting back with you. You wont want to talk about the relationship, but he will keep trying, thats not a friendship. I cant believe youre over him this quickly.

[EricaH329]

Yeah but what you might not understand is he is telling you he wants to be friends so he can work on getting back with you. You wont want to talk about the relationship, but he will keep trying, thats not a friendship.

 

I don't believe this is the case. He also understands that neither of us can be together right now. He isn't trying, nor has he tried since we broke up to get back together again. It's a complicated situation, but trust me when I say we both fully understand that we cannot be together right now.

 

I cant believe youre over him this quickly.

 

For the past 5 months, my ex changed dramatically. The moment that I noticed that he changed, I began grieving the man that I fell in love with. Because I knew that he is no longer that person. I've had enough time to accept the fact that he isn't the person I used to know, and that he never will be the person I used to know. That person is gone. I've accepted that, and in turn, it's helped me to move on a lot quicker than I thought I would.

 

I do think about the man he used to be from time to time, but I know that isn't who he is now, so it would be dumb of me to hang onto the idea of who I used to love (knowing it'd never be like that again).

 

It's a lot easier to get over someone when that person has changed into someone you know you wouldn't ever want to be in a romantic relationship with. The past 5 months are filled with a lotttt more bad times than good.

[boogieboy]

Well I dont know what his issues are that he has to fix, but if hes heartbroken, hearing from you must be tearing him apart emotionally. He wants to hang on, but thats not whats good for him. He needs you off his mind so he can fix whatever it is that needs fixing. So I tryuly think you have to bite the bullet and not call him again.

[EricaH329]

Him and I talk through AIM, and the past couple of random conversations we've had... always end with "I love you".

 

We could be talking about why the grass is green and whenever one of us has to leave, he always says "I love ya, ttyl".

 

I have a feeling this isn't normal... but i'm not sure what to do about it. I know he just wants me to know that he loves me, I tell my friends that all the time, but i'm thinking it's probably not healthy.

[Phedre]

Him and I talk through AIM, and the past couple of random conversations we've had... always end with "I love you".

 

We could be talking about why the grass is green and whenever one of us has to leave, he always says "I love ya, ttyl".

 

I have a feeling this isn't normal... but i'm not sure what to do about it. I know he just wants me to know that he loves me, I tell my friends that all the time, but i'm thinking it's probably not healthy.

 

 

I'm thinking you already know the answer to this question you just don't want to acknowledge it. No saying i love yous, not even when you two are 'just friends'.. your next guy will not be cool with you saying i love you to your ex fiance in any context

[EricaH329]

I'm thinking you already know the answer to this question you just don't want to acknowledge it. No saying i love yous, not even when you two are 'just friends'.. your next guy will not be cool with you saying i love you to your ex fiance in any context

 

Well... I don't think that's going to be an issue anymore. Earlier today, out of absolutely no where... anger hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

He treated me like SUCH crap!!! He made me feel SO unwanted and uncared for!! Why would I want to even be friends with someone like that?? I'm beside myself with anger right now. All day, it's been the main motivation for me to do anything at work tonight, the anger.

 

I don't know how, or why, I was so stupid in thinking that I actually want this guy to be my friend. The way he treated me... it's disgusting.

 

I am letting him know as soon as i'm able to talk to him again, how this just isn't going to work. At all. Ever. In any way shape or form.

 

He made me absolutely miserable!! I lost 26 pounds because of the misery and anxiety he caused me!! How could I be so dumb as to forget that??! Well... i'm just glad I remembered... he is not going to be a part of my life as long as I remember what he did to me.

Edited October 8, 2009 by EricaH329

[Phedre]

Is anger the stage that comes right after denial?

And you are right lady, you ex doesn't meet the requirments you would normally hold a friend to in order to call them friend.. just because he dated you he gets a free pass? Psh, no way - if any friend treated you the way he has then you would NOT be their friend... so that all adds up to... cordial when you are FORCED to interact, and nada when you aren't forced to. Be angry, just not forever

[EricaH329]

I'm contemplating whether or not to put the final conversation here.

 

Basically, he admitted to doing wrong, and that he's sorry, and he "hates himself more than I hate him."

 

Bullsh*t if you ask me.

[Odyssey]

I smell bs, Erica.

 

I remember he'd said this before when you two were together...and then later went back to his old self and acted like you were the bottom on his priorities again (more than a few times). People don't change that quickly. He just wants you back, it's not about fixing a problem. Anyway, i thought you already gave him enough chances, right?

 

What does it matter anyway? Are you having doubts again? Do you seriously see a future with this guy, marriage?!? ....Exactly.

[EricaH329]

I don't think he was trying to get back with me, he's said more than once that he isn't strong enough to make the relationship last. He just wants me as a friend, which i'm beginning to think is for the sole purpose of making himself feel better about how he treated me.

 

I really went off on him last night. I was a little harsh, even though he deserved it, I feel a bit bad about it now. He was going on and on saying how he knows what he did was wrong, he's sorry, and that he regrets it every single day of his life.

 

It eventually came down to me telling him that I hate him for all the sh*t he put me through, and he said that I was making him cry and that he loves me and he's really sorry for being such a d*ck.

 

I'm not falling for it. This is the second time he treated me like crap, and apologized like crazy for it. He can be as sorry as he wants, it doesn't take away the fact that while I was giving it my all... he was standing in the backround throwing rocks at me.

 

I dislike him very very much right now. Even through all the hatred I feel, I still love him for some reason. But, the negative feelings I have for him outweigh the positive ones.