Woman at work keeps flirting with me

[nih]

Hi, first time poster here, could someone please give me some advice on this?...

 

I've been browsing this forum for the last few months and its helped me a huge amount trying to work out why I feel a certain way about a female colleague at work, its basically a case of unrequited love

 

Without reading this forum for the last few months I would of been unable to express myself in this way, thanks to all the posters on this site, especially in the coping section.

 

I've been attracted to her for a number of years but never did anything about it, mostly due to the fear of being rejected and the fallout that happens if a relationship you have with someone at work breaks down.

 

She had shown a lot of interest in me over the years, mainly flirting with me, and constantly asking me if I was comfortable when I sat next to her in some lectures at work, she didn't say this to anyone else...

But I never showed that I was interested in her, but I was, big time. I had no idea what to do, so did nothing, this is something I am now forced to regret.

 

The inevitable happened and she started to see someone at work, I didn't know about this for six months, well I sort of did but I put it to the back of my mind and refused to believe it, then someone at work told me they were together and I could feel myself change almost instantly, on my way home I started to break down crying, and I was like that on and off for about the next month.

 

I have to talk to her on an almost daily basis and sometimes I would almost break down in front of her. So I decided to send her an email through the company network expressing how I felt about her, at the time I had no idea if that was the best thing to do, but I felt I had to tell her something to try and avoid breaking down in front of her and anyone else.

 

The next time I saw her she looked as though she was about to cry but had the cutest smile I had ever seen, she seemed to of been genuinely touched by it. Time went by and things started getting worse for me, constantly breaking down at lunch breaks, having to go hide somewhere to cry for about five minutes, and then having to wait another five minutes so I didn't look like I had been crying

 

So...I sent another letter saying sorry for the intimate nature of some of my emails to her, nothing major, just 'I'll miss you' type messages on Fridays, but this time I included my contact details, thankfully she sent me a mail from her home email account, she said she thought I was 'lovely' and she just wanted to be friends because she was with someone else.

 

Since then we have sent each other countless emails at work and home, I'll admit the vast majority were initiated by me. A few of them express my feelings in more depth, again she was very moved by them. We are currently very good friends.

 

There are other details but this brings us to the present day, but throughout the whole of the last few months she has been flirting with me almost every time she sees me, but only face to face, she rarely shows it in her emails, apart from saying she cares about me etc, and I think she means it due to the way she behaves around me.

 

Btw her current boyfriend doesn't seem to be very affectionate with her at work, if I didn't know they were together I would never of guessed it. He could of course be an entirely different person at home, but I doubt it.

 

So the question is, why is she still flirting with me at work? and should I tell her to stop due to her being with someone else, who should be all she needs. Is she just using me to get what she doesn't get off him?

 

Any help is appreciated.

Edited October 4, 2009 by nih

[Angel1111]

If her relationship with the other guy is in the midst of falling apart, then you have a great opportunity to be with her when it ends because you've developed a friendship with her. Why not just ask her in one of your emails about how the relationship is going with the other guy? Maybe she needs someone to talk to about it.

 

You seem to be really afraid of approaching a woman or making the first move. This is a death-sentence in many ways, as you've already discovered by her ending up with someone else because you didn't ask her when you first had the chance. Move past your fear of rejection and stop putting the woman in the position to make the move or give you answers. If you notice there's chemistry with someone, there probably is. Just go with that. I know it's a hard thing to do but this is a fear that you need to get past.

 

Right now, it's not appropriate for you to ask this woman out because she's with someone. She needs to end her relationship with him first. Just be her friend for now. If you really want an answer about why she's flirty, then ask her. But, if I were you, I wouldn't ask. Just don't act on it until she loses the other guy.

[nih]

Thanks for the advice

 

She has told me the relationship is going well a few times, this is without me asking her, but she would probably say that no matter how it was going.

 

Being friends with someone I feel so strongly about feels almost impossible, emotionally I'm all over the place, sometimes I can deal with it no problem, then seconds later I feel like breaking down. I think about her almost 24/7. Seeing her on a daily basis probably makes it worse. I also keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking about her, etc...

 

Whether I'll remain like that emotionally time will tell, it is getting better but slowly

 

Thanks

Edited October 5, 2009 by nih

[nih]

One more thing.

 

She has always flirted with me since almost the first time I met her to the present day. I have asked her about it a few times recently and each time she says 'I didn't realise I was flirting and don't mean to lead you on', obviously only she knows the truth...