Why should I wait to convert separation to Divorce?

[singledad2]

Everyone is telling me to wait until after the holiday season to convert my legal separation into a divorce. I have a clear signal that my marriage is over, and am now over the shock and initial stuff that caused me to hold on to it. Why should I wait? I have actually had some new acquaintances come into my life that would like to date, but are concerned about my marital status. I suppose legally I am still married until the separation is final at the beginning of December, and I should wait untiil then, but I could be divorced instead of separated on the same day. Opinions? Do the kids (which she abandoned) matter in this?

[Angel1111]

If you're ready to file for divorce, then file. Several years ago, I did this sometime around November or December and my ex was served with the papers a week before xmas. He called and sarcastically thanked me for wrecking his xmas. He said that I wasn't thinking of him. I told him that I had no idea when he would be served with the papers, nor did I care. I asked him if he had been thinking of me when he decided to wreck our marriage. He said, "Good point." So, I didn't give a fig about what time of year it was. The marriage was over as far as I was concerned and it couldn't legally end soon enough.

 

As far as the kids are concerned, they have no reason to know what's going on with the legal end of things. To them, the fact that you're separated is probably enough evidence that the relationship is over. They don't usually concern themselves with legal issues, nor should you involve them in it - unless they ask. If for some reason they think the separation isn't permanent, you need to tell them that it is. Still, that has nothing to do with whether the divorce is legal or not.

[floridapad]

Hello my friend,

 

How have you been? It seems as though you are ready to move on. Just a couple of things to think about:

 

1) They say that once divorce papers are served, things begin to get a bit uglier. I do remember your wife saying something about not looking for another relaitonship but just wanted to get her self confidence back (Yeah perhaps it;'s BS). But....If this is going to take her by surprise a bit then be prepared. Not sure how she'll react. May not want that Sh*t during the holidays. Hopefully since you have decided upon divorce you have discussed it with her by now and she won't be surprised and start trying to come back or become all panicky.

2) Yeah, dating as a seperated guy is a bit tougher with the women. They don't like it at all, especially the good ones. Hasn't detered me though. I'm having fun and up front with my situation. There are plenty of women out there and you rstatus will change soon enough. They will still be around.

3) As far as the kids go. I don't think it matters. Mom is gone and I don't think divorce vs seperation for the holidays will make a difference.

4) Be prepared for your STBX wanting to share holiday time. Holidays could be a game changer for her emotionaly.

 

I am waiting until after the holidays, but my situation is different than yours. I don't want to be in a divorce process during the holidays. Emotionally I just don't want it. Don't want to think about finances, child custody battles (not that it will happen but you never know when the D papers are dropped.). My two cents is to make sure she is expecting this and is on board. If she is then get it done fast (holidays may change her state of mind). If not and you think there may be a fight, you may want to wait until the holidays are over to begin the battle.

 

Good to see you still posting.

[singledad2]

Hello back Floridapad!

 

I am so over her now. I got past that "gratuitous" stage where I was ready to promise anything to have another chance, slipped into acceptance. I swear she has some ESP or something though. The day I decide this, she calls (i dont answer) and then texts me that she is homesick and misses me a bit and has been crying. It was enough for me to hold off calling the lawyer today. She called tonigt after the kids went to bed, obviously to talk to me. Says she is still wanting to come visit for a week for my sons birthday. I asked why she was staying so long! She asked if I didnt want her to stay that long and I just laughed. I don't know where she thinks she is staying. I didn't want to start a fight. She said again she missed me "a little bit". I didn't give anything back. It didn't phase me!!! Yippee! She is a born cake-eater, so I know this is her trying to keep me on the hook as that safety net. She may be getting the idea that I am done.

 

Yeah, I have had some tough moments, but all too good grieving to throw away! Seems like the lower I got and felt, the better I felt coming out of it. I had decided to set some boundaries and one of them was not letting my wife come to stay with the kids while I went to Myrtle Beach for a golf trip planned long ago. I felt like it would be confusing to the kids. I don't want this woman in my house. I also have enough examples where she really doesn't seem to care about the kids enough to call when they are sick or on their biggest moments on stage to congratulate them on their performances, some of which won contests. She doesn''t care about them so why screw up our lives which seem so much more peaceful without her. We pray together morning, meals, and night. My house is tidier, the laundry caught up. I am 20lbs trimmer and joined a gym. My boss says he wants me to drive a nicer car and live in a nicer house. I am gonna laugh so hard when she finds out about that new compensation plan she is missing out on! She won't see a dime of it. That's another reason I want to finalize this. We have settled all the money and property already. I won't get a fight unless she comes crawling back on her hands and knees. I doubt it. She is over-medicated in her new surroundings.

 

I'm in an okay place right now. I actually had FUN yesterday playing golf. I am a better father and will be a better man in the next phase of my life. I will let the man upstairs continue to work his plan for me as I work through this trial. Hope the good feelings last.

[Flying Burrito]

It's possible the people who know you in the flesh are giving you the advice to wait because they see you self-medicating on the bitterness drug.

 

You're getting by and that is what matters in the moment but bitterness has a way of eating through people and changing them, often for the worse, often forever.

 

It sounds like you're on the brink of possibly letting that bitterness take charge with regard to starting to date. I'm not calling you out by any stretch but I hear a hint of "Why shouldn't I?"

 

I expect holding off on divorce until after the holidays is likely a better choice for you. If only so you can look back with no deeper regret than waiting 30 days.

 

You mentioned prayer. I don't hold with it myself but I respect that you do. Can you pray on the decision with your priest or clergy?

[Ronni_W]

Everyone is telling me to wait until after the holiday season to convert my legal separation into a divorce.

I'm not seeing the wisdom of that, to be honest. Unless there is some statutory period that must be 'served' before you can file?

 

The piece of paper that will signal the final-official end of your marriage ought not impact the kids any more than everything else has already done. And if all custody, financial and property matters have already been settled...I can't foresee any issues there, either.

 

There is no "should not" date until the divorce becomes final...it depends on how you feel about doing that (legally there is no restriction about dating and having sex once the couple is separated.)

 

Given that your lack of a divorce is delaying your compensation package at work...it really makes more sense (to me) to file sooner than later.

[dgiirl]

It sounds like you are rushing into a divorce. Frankly, your thread is full of emotion. How you can't wait to get out of the divorce so you can show her up. How long have you guys been separated?

 

Where I live, we have to be separated for a year before we can file for a divorce. Although it seemed awfully long while I was in it, looking back, I think it makes sense. You do not want to make a rash decision to divorce. You want to try and get your feet back onto the ground, with as least amount of emotion (anger, sadness, heartbreak, glee that it's over), and be rational and business like about the whole situation. Lawyer's are expensive! And it is in their interest if both parties are full of emotion and fight so that the divorce proceedings can be drawn out. You also do not want to change your mind halfway through.

 

Having said that. This does not mean you put your life on hold. I did not put my life on hold that whole year. Once I finally sold our house, I moved away 600km, to a new city. You can still do everything you want to do as a single person.

 

Besides, holidays are usually stressful in and of themselves. I cannot imagine going through that and a divorce at the same time. We're only talking about three months for you to wait before proceeding? I don't think that's too much time to ask.

 

What are you friends reasons in suggesting waiting? They probably see something in the situation that you cannot see at the moment. If EVERYONE you know is telling you to wait, you might want to listen. If you are getting different opinions from everyone, then do what you truly think is right. But try to be as objective as possible. What is in your best interest right now?

[floridapad]

Wow I do see such a change in your post. I'm glad you are moving on. I do sense a bit of liberation from the whole situation and yes.....a bit of bitterness, which is rightly expected considering what she did and what she is doing. Please remember though (sorry for the cold shower), she will be in your life for the rest of your life. It does sound like she will eventually come to her senses regarding the kids but obviously you are done with her and to be honest I would be too if I were in your shoes. How is divorce care going for you? I think you are doing the right thing by not letting her sleep at the house. I to beleive it would be VERY confusing for the kids.

 

If you have already talked about getting a divorce with her and arranged the finances then honestly if it were me I would file. The longer it goes the more her emotional state will change. When her money runs out she may have no where to turn so for that sake I would get it done fast. I am curious though why people are saying wait until after the holidays. It may not be fun for you but I don't see how it would affect the children. I'm telling you though, the holidays could be an emotional game changer for your wife. Be prepared for a lot of emotions.

 

BTW...My wife sent me a text after she got back from her trip to NYC saying "I really missed you". WTF. She finds out I'm dating now and all of the sudden the pleasantries and the "I miss you's" start coming out. Trying to keep the 180's going but she keeps texting me. Odd.

[singledad2]

DGIRL: We filed the separation papers a little over 5 weeks ago.

 

Wow, I really appreciate the responses.

 

Flying: Bitterness, Yep. But is that going to go away? I have 60 days before whatever this is is FINAL. Separation or Divorce is my choice, a matter of amending the filing status. There is no "going through a divorce". She doesn't even have to show up for the hearing.

.

Possible regrets. None. Worst case the world turns upside down, I decide this is something I can forgive and forget (yeah right), and we reconcile and have to get married again.

 

Show her up? Good point. Does seem kind of vengeful to think about her materialistic self feeling like she missed out on a nice upgrade to the lifestyle.

 

As far as I know, a separation does not dissolve the marriage, so other partners is adultery. Which in her case, does not matter. But for me it does.

 

Do I care if she has a bad Christmas? Probably. I feel sorry for that lost soul, who is headed south of the pearly gates as far as I can tell. Do I think it will be worse if divorced? No. This legal separation is more "pre-divorce" than "let's work on things". I just don't see the point. No legal stuff will happen during the holiday, except fot it being final in the first week of December. Is that going to be liberation or sadness?

 

You know what it is? I think I just want my Man card back.

 

Floridapad:Divorce care is fine. Good education. Really helping to identify feelings, put names on stuff. Seeing situations that make mine look grand. Supporting other people. All good stuff.

 

As far as the wife goes, remember they will go in cycles. She wants that reassurance that there is a possible safety net there. I figure she will revert to not missing you before too long. took my wife a couple of days and she is back to not calling the kids. My son had another performance today. Nothing.... Again. I really just want you to be happy and make sure you aren't falling for the old roller coaster ride. Let her ride it alone.

 

Thanks folks. I have decided to wait for a bit. I have a check-in with my pastor coming up and will discuss it with him. I can make this a divorce on day 89 of 90 if I want to.

 

One cosideration is that she now wants to come visit at the begiining of next month. I don't want her to come and think she is staying in my house just because legally we are still "married". I want it to be clear to her that she is no longer a part of this household and its a VISIT not a slumber party and leave the kids again and screw em up some more deal. I assume she wont be coming around again until next spring at the earliest, including Christmas. So what is the point of coming back except for relieving some of her own guilty feelings? Leave us the F@@# alone!