luvflower Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 (WRONG SECTION...sorry) hello all. i'm a newbie and have being seeing NC(no contact...i think)...so i think i understand what it means and the purpose, but is there any way to fastforward the process or get through it easier? broke up with ex about 2 months ago and he's still contacting me after i've told him that he didn't need to. he still tries to come and see me and i have allowed him to. when i bring up the fact that we're not together and other issues that caused me to break up with him, he sometimes tries to cut me off because he doesn't want to hear it. so he says things like "i don't want to talk about that" or "why do you have to be so negative and have that mentality"...?what? or "ok,ok,ok.i love you.call me when you get home(wake up, get to work,etc.)"...i never do it...he calls more in spite of the reasons i broke up with him, i still want to know that he's thinking of me.so when he calls it's a boost for my ego(am i bad for that?), but it only causes a cycle that makes it more difficult to get past him. i have tried NO CONTACT for about a 7 day max.then we resumed communication after i finally answered one of his numerous calls and textes.have been in contact since about a week ago now. i want to not need to hear from him...does this mean that i'm codependent? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 (WRONG SECTION...sorry) hello all. i'm a newbie and have being seeing NC(no contact...i think)...so i think i understand what it means and the purpose, but is there any way to fastforward the process or get through it easier? broke up with ex about 2 months ago and he's still contacting me after i've told him that he didn't need to. he still tries to come and see me and i have allowed him to. when i bring up the fact that we're not together and other issues that caused me to break up with him, he sometimes tries to cut me off because he doesn't want to hear it. so he says things like "i don't want to talk about that" or "why do you have to be so negative and have that mentality"...?what? or "ok,ok,ok.i love you.call me when you get home(wake up, get to work,etc.)"...i never do it...he calls more in spite of the reasons i broke up with him, i still want to know that he's thinking of me.so when he calls it's a boost for my ego(am i bad for that?), but it only causes a cycle that makes it more difficult to get past him. i have tried NO CONTACT for about a 7 day max.then we resumed communication after i finally answered one of his numerous calls and textes.have been in contact since about a week ago now. i want to not need to hear from him...does this mean that i'm codependent? I think your more of a game player. If you were serious about NC you would get a new phone number. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 You are making it impossible for him to move on. My guess is that you are keeping him on the line in case something better doesnt come along. If you were already IN another relationship you would not care if this guy was thinking about you. When I broke up with my ex there was a good while when I would feel sort of jealous when she would go out without me. Like I wanted to move on but I DIDNT want her to(maybe this was based on why I had to break up with her)... It was silly and terribly childish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 ...really? honestly that's not my intention.i just still care for him and it hurts too much to be mean and ignore him even though i broke up with him because there were issues in our relationship that made me really unhappy...seriously. i don't mean to be a game player.that means he is as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 during my 7 day NC,i told him many times to stop calling and texting me...really i did.but he continued each and every day of NC.i eventually caved in. does that make me a game player? i had no intention of communicating with him anymore. it was just that his persistance got the best of me on that 7th day...does that make me a game player? Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 No it just means you arent sending your signal strongly enough. You say NC but when you respond he gets a mixed message and chooses to receive the one that he finds more acceptable... Most guys cant follow this but my rule is that if I receive 3 mixed signals from a girl I write her off as not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 No it just means you arent sending your signal strongly enough. You say NC but when you respond he gets a mixed message and chooses to receive the one that he finds more acceptable... Most guys cant follow this but my rule is that if I receive 3 mixed signals from a girl I write her off as not interested. that makes sense to me. i just need to exercise more self control as someone mentioned. he says things like "why are you treating me like this,yada yada". i really cared/care for him.this makes me sad that breaking up has to be this hard.i don't see us working anything out because the issues are too important for me to just accept. i'm working on it.really i am...he's calling now...man! i'm really hating this situation and have been crying a lot today because i feel myself missing him already. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 ...really? honestly that's not my intention.i just still care for him and it hurts too much to be mean and ignore him even though i broke up with him because there were issues in our relationship that made me really unhappy...seriously. i don't mean to be a game player.that means he is as well. If you did care for him you would let him move on rather then playing games. Going strict NC is the kindest thing you could do, so he and you can heal rather then being strung along. Yes maybe he is one two. so stop playing, get a new phone number new email and block facebook ect. if your serious... Read the following: The No Contact Guide Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 was just thinking and reading about NC and was curious about who invented it. where is its origin? and how long has it existed "officially"... Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 was just thinking and reading about NC and was curious about who invented it. where is its origin? and how long has it existed "officially"... Adam invented it right after Eve got him to eat the apple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Adam invented it right after Eve got him to eat the apple. alrighty then...not straight answers on that one i guess... ok.another question then. i really do miss my ex. do you think he will ever call again? he's never gone days without calling. i guess i shouldnt care,but i want to know that he's not mad with me. he wasn't bad just a bit overbearing sometimes,which had the possibility of becoming bad(from what friends and family said)...but...i still want to hear from him Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 If you did care for him you would let him move on rather then playing games. Going strict NC is the kindest thing you could do, so he and you can heal rather then being strung along. Yes maybe he is one two. so stop playing, get a new phone number new email and block facebook ect. if your serious... Read the following: The No Contact Guide btw, i was never playing games.i may have been confused b/c there were issues that i didn't want to deal with,but he worked on some of the issues.some still remain. when he's overbearing i realize why i wanted out.now that i have seen him change a bit and be there for me when i needed him, i realize he really loved me and that makes me miss him. so i find it hard to just let go like this...i want to hear from him Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 You broke up with him. He's still hung up on you. That's why he keeps calling. You accept his contact because it's an ego-stroke (you admitted it yourself). That's cruel and yes - it's game-playing. He is hoping that you'll get back together. By continuing to take his calls, you give him hope. It's NOT MEAN to NOT take his calls - it's considered being HONEST. If you were truly being honest about wanting to break up and move on - you'd stop taking his calls! You're stringing the poor guy along and giving him false hope. Stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 You broke up with him. He's still hung up on you. That's why he keeps calling. You accept his contact because it's an ego-stroke (you admitted it yourself). That's cruel and yes - it's game-playing. He is hoping that you'll get back together. By continuing to take his calls, you give him hope. It's NOT MEAN to NOT take his calls - it's considered being HONEST. If you were truly being honest about wanting to break up and move on - you'd stop taking his calls! You're stringing the poor guy along and giving him false hope. Stop it. well...you said a mouth full. thanks (as i pick up my face) Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 well...you said a mouth full. thanks (as i pick up my face) Believe it or not, luvflower, it's said with genuine caring. I can't deny I've done the very thing you are posting about before. I saw how hurtful it was and the damage it did. It did NOT help him at all. I knew I'd never get back with him, but he didn't know that (even though I DID repeatedly say it). It's not fair to the person that thinks there's a chance in hell. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 He is codependent and you are the enabler. He is in denial that you two do not have a chance to reconcile. You are feeding this hope by spending time with him. People who are desperate for acceptance will feed off of any crumb you throw them. Believe me!! I was in a relationship similar to this. We dated for about a year and when I broke it off he kept wanting to hang out. I was okay with that until I noticed he had false hope. He did not want to hear that it was over and there was no chance. He fed off the bits of attention. It became obvious that I was inadvertently giving him false hope. I stopped communication all together because it was not fair to him. He was in no way ready for a "friendship" and I realized it is not in his character to be just friends with the opposite sex. codependents and enablers go hand in hand. Both of you have a need for acceptance even if it's destructive i.e. codependency. It would be best to cut the cord on this, at least until you have both moved on and can handle a platonic friendship. (which doesn't include constant communication). Believe me when I say, if you haven't given enough time to get past the emotional attachment, it will follow on your shirt-tails into future relationships and that is not fair to anyone. I wish you all the best... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) He is codependent and you are the enabler. He is in denial that you two do not have a chance to reconcile. You are feeding this hope by spending time with him. People who are desperate for acceptance will feed off of any crumb you throw them. Believe me!! I was in a relationship similar to this. We dated for about a year and when I broke it off he kept wanting to hang out. I was okay with that until I noticed he had false hope. He did not want to hear that it was over and there was no chance. He fed off the bits of attention. It became obvious that I was inadvertently giving him false hope. I stopped communication all together because it was not fair to him. He was in no way ready for a "friendship" and I realized it is not in his character to be just friends with the opposite sex. codependents and enablers go hand in hand. Both of you have a need for acceptance even if it's destructive i.e. codependency. It would be best to cut the cord on this, at least until you have both moved on and can handle a platonic friendship. (which doesn't include constant communication). Believe me when I say, if you haven't given enough time to get past the emotional attachment, it will follow on your shirt-tails into future relationships and that is not fair to anyone. I wish you all the best... hi i haven't been back in a while to check this thread, but thank you for your response. thank you all actually. since then, he has continued to contact me. i did NC again, this time for 2weeks and he still kept contacting me via text and calls...the thing is,he knows our issues.he keeps saying that he wishes he could be with me but he just cant change what the issues were with our relationship. and i can understand that, so i told him that so i'd rather just remove myself so that i don't have to keep repeating myself.he didn't appreciate me saying that and still continued to act like he didn't understand that he doesn't get the benefits of a relationship since we are not together. the truth is i miss him in one way and on the other hand i just don't think that we can never meet in the middle... so i still never gave in to him.so he became very spiteful, this making me go NC asap b/c it's like he really just wanted to hurt me since i wouldnt give him what he wanted...so Edited October 24, 2009 by luvflower Link to post Share on other sites
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