NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I have essentially been in NC for over two years now. I work with the xOW and only correspond via email for work reasons. I dont speak with her, I dont contact her in anyway, shape or form. In spite of all of that I still think of her, I still dream of her I still long or her and I still desire her. As far as my marriage goes, my wife and I are doing great, we get along we are doing all the right things and so am I. I have been faithful I havent contacted the xOW but the feelings are still there. They dont go away they are there every day and i pray every day for them to stop but they dont. So for all of you out there who are in NC hang in there its the best thing but man it hurts and hurts for a long, long time. I still love the xOW and I know that I always will. If I had ANY advice its DONT DO IT!!!!!!!! NL Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 How do you do it? I am an OW and am attempting to disengage from my MM. My question to you is, how is it that you can LOVE two women? I don't understand that. And that is something I really struggle with. i have this internal battle going on all the time that goes something like this... "HE loves you.. HOLD ON!" "Are you stupid? If he loved you he would have left her and be with you, MOVE ON!" And they go back and forth until I feel that the world may never quit spinning so fast and my head may explode. I want to hear that he DOESN'T really love me, that would make it so much easier to do what I need to do, yet here you are saying you REALLY LOVE the OW and the W!! HOW?? Please explain cause I don't have the ability to REALLY love two men. I want to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Spoiled Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Neverlate, I feel your pain and it's only been a few months for me, the A lasted a year, we were friends for 12+ years. I worry about whether or not my feelings will change for my xMOM. Like you, my M is much better, yet I think of him and miss him. Some days I really feel sad and am positive my H can sense what I still go through. I wonder if he ever thinks of me, we had a very special relationship. In agreement with you in regards to others, "Don't do it." Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 The feelings I have for the xOW are more idealized and most likely not real. The problem is that we had a very intense relationship. it was VERY sexual, very emotional we were friends and lovers the whole thing. This probably created a situation where my feelings were idealized because they were never subjected to the stresses of everyday life. My memory is of those idealized feelings which were so intense and thats what I guess I long for with the xOW. with my wife my feelings are more mature and real and are the product of many years of growing and changing. So I guess to answer your question directly my feelings for the two women are very very different. One is rooted in reality the other in fantasy. I guess with the xOW I long for what could of been not realizing that if given a chance reality would set in and then who knows what would happen then. Hope that helps, NL Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 One is rooted in reality the other in fantasy. I guess with the xOW I long for what could of been not realizing that if given a chance reality would set in and then who knows what would happen then. *sigh* I can understand that then, I wouldn't want to label your feelings for your OW, but you describing it as "fantasy" makes sense. But I am still confused. My A is all about REALITY. I am like the "second W". While our sexual relationship has been amazing, our relationship is much more about friendship, and companionship. He is more likely to see me in sweats and a t-shirt with no makeup , barefoot standing at the sink washing dishes or cooking dinner than he is to ever see me in something specifically "sexy". And when he walks in the door he picks up a dish towel, takes out the trash, helps prepare dinner, or helps my kids with their homework. Then we shower and head to the bedroom where we veg out together in front of the television, before I pass out and start snoring overly loud. Not exactly the kind of thing he would 'fantasize" about I am sure. UGH.. I wish I could just get him to tell me he doesn't love me, that would make this all so much easier. Sorry, I am having a whiny day today. sorry .... Link to post Share on other sites
Spoiled Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 The feelings I have for the xOW are more idealized and most likely not real. The problem is that we had a very intense relationship. it was VERY sexual, very emotional we were friends and lovers the whole thing. This probably created a situation where my feelings were idealized because they were never subjected to the stresses of everyday life. My memory is of those idealized feelings which were so intense and thats what I guess I long for with the xOW. with my wife my feelings are more mature and real and are the product of many years of growing and changing. So I guess to answer your question directly my feelings for the two women are very very different. One is rooted in reality the other in fantasy. I guess with the xOW I long for what could of been not realizing that if given a chance reality would set in and then who knows what would happen then. Hope that helps, NL I will never know exactly how my xMM about me. Our A was long distant and VERY emotional, consistent and daily communication. I cannot imagine him spending that much time and effort to communicate just for sex(awesome) every 6weeks or so. There were feelings I had for xMM that I had never experienced and to my knowledge vice versa. That is what hurts me so much. Were your feelings toward xOW more intense than you ever felt for someone else? Was she also M? Did you ever express to xOW those "idealized" feelings toward her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 No worries angel, yea I know how you feel. My xOW was my best friend, my lover my confidant. She knew what I was thinking without me saying it. We used to wake up at night knowing that one was thinking about the other. We used to call it "the connection" We had so much in common so much shared experience in life it was truly amazing. That said, it was fantasy because I was married to someone else pure and simple.... Link to post Share on other sites
becky2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 NL, Did your W know about the A? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I have essentially been in NC for over two years now. I work with the xOW and only correspond via email for work reasons. I dont speak with her, I dont contact her in anyway, shape or form. In spite of all of that I still think of her, I still dream of her I still long or her and I still desire her. As far as my marriage goes, my wife and I are doing great, we get along we are doing all the right things and so am I. I have been faithful I havent contacted the xOW but the feelings are still there. They dont go away they are there every day and i pray every day for them to stop but they dont. So for all of you out there who are in NC hang in there its the best thing but man it hurts and hurts for a long, long time. I still love the xOW and I know that I always will. If I had ANY advice its DONT DO IT!!!!!!!! NL I also don't understand the intense love vs idealized love. Let's focus on your feelings for your wife. Do you love her? Do you hold her face in your hands and breathe her in? Do you carress her arm while you watch TV? If you've answered no to any of the above then you are short-changing your wife and that isn't fair to her. What the h*** did you save? OTOH if you answered yes, then don't feel I'm scolding you. I believe my MM was in your place at one point. I told him if he thought that eventually the love would die between us and leaving for me would have been a mistake then let's just end it now--why wait until he got tired of me because that is exactly what his message was. So, was it worth it, the staying? Two years later and you're still thinking about the OW. Don't you think the stressful moments would be all the more feasible knowing you have deep love and passion to look forward to? You say the feelings you have for the xOW are more idealized and most likely not real. Most likely being the key words that tell me you don't really know. At the time I think you made your decision based on fear, especially knowing you still think about her daily 2 years later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 The feelings I experienced with xOW were the most intense I ever felt and have felt since. Problem was IT WASNT REAL! What I have with my wife IS REAL. It may not be so romantic like you described white flower but they are real none the less. I trust her and she trusts me. We care for each other and we are great friends. Sex is not good and I think thats a result of the romantic part or "the connection" being missing or more accurately never there in the first place. I believe that you only have one connection like that and I believe it was with my xOW. That doesnt mean I cant have a good marriage and a good life with my wife. And yes she knows about the A. NL Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 I made my decision two years ago because the OW decided to stay with her H. she planned to leave several times then changed her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I made my decision two years ago because the OW decided to stay with her H. she planned to leave several times then changed her mind. Now I am curious, if your MOW had left her M, would you have chosen your wife? The reason I ask is, I agree that you can still have a "good marriage", but I wonder if perhaps you are cheating your W out of the chance of having a GREAT marriage with someone she would have THE CONNECTION with by holding on to someone who seems to have been a "second choice". It makes me sad for your wife. Not trying to be a b*tch, just really trying to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 Thats why I said to others DONT DO IT! at this point it is what it is. I still love the xOW even though I cant stand to be in the same room with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Thats why I said to others DONT DO IT! at this point it is what it is. I still love the xOW even though I cant stand to be in the same room with her. Are you and your W in MC? Are you in IC? I see you are in a lot of pain, and I really feel for you. I wish I knew how to help. But it seems to me despite your prostestations, that you are NOT in a good and healthy marriage. You need to either fix it, or get out. Staying just for the sake of not being alone is so unfair to both you and your wife!!! Have you been honest with your wife about everything? You said she knows about your affair, but does she realize that she was your fall-back plan? This is such an unhealthy place for you and she both to be. I urge you to seek professional help. And if you love your wife at all, do what is right by her by either putting ALL YOUR EFFORT into making your marriage GREAT or letting her go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 Thanks but I wasnt asking for help. Just felt like venting. Thanks so much for listening. It is hard but I'll get through it! Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 NL, so if your xOW left her husband would you have been willing to test your love outside of the "idealized" situation you had with her? Because right now, I think you did the Math and settled. Nothing wrong with that-whatever makes your life meaningful, I guess. It is a sobering realization that many married affair partners are not willing to take their "idealized" or "fantasy-based" relationship to real life...instead they settle with what is known and comfortable...I wonder, for those betrayed spouses is that good enough for you? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Tami, If affairs were based on reality, there probably wouldn't be any, right? For women the "romance", and "fantasy", parts are the most alluring. For men, it's mostly about the sex. IMO OP, I think that you are short-changing your wife, and I also think that if she knew, you wouldn't be so glib. Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 NL, so if your xOW left her husband would you have been willing to test your love outside of the "idealized" situation you had with her? Because right now, I think you did the Math and settled. Nothing wrong with that-whatever makes your life meaningful, I guess. It is a sobering realization that many married affair partners are not willing to take their "idealized" or "fantasy-based" relationship to real life...instead they settle with what is known and comfortable...I wonder, for those betrayed spouses is that good enough for you? I was going to post anyway that this sounds like a very sad situation. NL: Does your W know that you still care so much for the OW? You asked the question Tami whether this would be good enough for BSs. My H had an A that went on for many years and he still "felt" for his OW long after she had made the decision to stay with her H and so their A was all but over. She had recently become single again just before my D day, so it had become a much more real option for them to be together. I discovered his e-mails to her about this on my D day. My H was essentially forced to make a choice once D day occurred. It seems it was a real choice as she was no longer with her H. He tells me that faced with the catastrophe of unexpected disclosure the choice became very real and obvious to him. It has been my concern ever since that he is still harboring these same thoughts for the OW because I know I would not want to be with him if he is. There seems no obvious reason for him to lie about it as he could have chosen the OW - she was single after all by then. However given that he lied to me for so long in order to carry on the A, and given that we are still in the process of re-establishing trust and trying to rebuild our marriage I many never know for sure. So to answer your question Tami it would not be good enough for this BW if I knew about it. Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 No worries angel, yea I know how you feel. My xOW was my best friend, my lover my confidant. She knew what I was thinking without me saying it. We used to wake up at night knowing that one was thinking about the other. We used to call it "the connection" We had so much in common so much shared experience in life it was truly amazing. That said, it was fantasy because I was married to someone else pure and simple.... WOW I thought I was going mad. I have had this. I have been thinking strongly about him and he me and then WHAM we meet each other by accident and rush into each other's arms ,and admit to thinking about each other strongly more than once this has happened. It is something I have never felt with anyone else and it is a weird feeling. I think you are convincing yourself just like DI (read his story as it is the same). You MOW sensed that you were fence sitting and ended it? you are staying in your comfort zone just like lots of MM. Just like my MM, but you are a tortured soul. You convince yourselves that what you feel will not last in order to survive. One thing you are right about though DONT DO IT. So much pain when you are not together with your soul mate Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 My H was essentially forced to make a choice once D day occurred. It seems it was a real choice as she was no longer with her H. He tells me that faced with the catastrophe of unexpected disclosure the choice became very real and obvious to him. It has been my concern ever since that he is still harboring these same thoughts for the OW because I know I would not want to be with him if he is. There seems no obvious reason for him to lie about it as he could have chosen the OW - she was single after all by then. However given that he lied to me for so long in order to carry on the A, and given that we are still in the process of re-establishing trust and trying to rebuild our marriage I many never know for sure. So to answer your question Tami it would not be good enough for this BW if I knew about it. If a man is caught off-guard like that I wonder how many would choose the OW. I think a lot would feel so off-balance that their first instinct is to restore balance and that's with the W. Doesn't the sudden and shocking aspect make it all the more likely that he'll always wonder and pine? I don't think a man can respect a woman or a relationship when he gets away with lying for a long time. On some level won't he always feel like he could do it again? Not trying to say what's going on with your H. I do think a person who has cheated can become a non-cheater. I just don't think they can ever have a total commitment to the person they cheated on, especially if it was on-going and not a one time thing. But that's just my interpretation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 So much pain when you are not together with your soul mate Separation is the worst punishment of all..... Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Separation is the worst punishment of all..... I think this is one of the most dangerous things about taking someone back after they've cheated.... so many times the relationship (the A) ended in an unnatural way and a part of your spouse will always belong to someone else. IMO, it's really hard to have a whole and healthy relationship because you (the W or H) are, on some level, the reason your spouse can't be with this other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverLate Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 So another words my current marriage is a form of punishment? I dont really view it that way. Like I said at the start of my thread my marriage is based in reality and so is my xOW's marriage. From what I know she is doing her best to make her marriage the best it can be and I applaud her for that. Now what she thinks about deep inside, I dont know. Does she view it as punishment? who knows probably not if I had to guess. Someone here called me a tortured soul and thats exactly what I am. I am doing my best to live in the present in the reality of my marriage and make it as whole as I can. Problem is, I am separated from my true soul mate and sometimes the hurt comes to the surface... Link to post Share on other sites
cianne Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I hope I don't feel like you do for that long. My xMOM and I actually left our marriages and moved in together. After moving in together, he ended up returning to his W, but he would tell me he did not love her that he only felt sorry for her. He told me he loved me and could not tell someone he loved goodbye. For us it has been a little over a month of NC. I am def better, but do have my moments when he pops into my heart again. My H knows everything, and my H also knows I have zero passion for him. I cannot even stand to kiss him, but my H makes me feel very safe and secure. This is so weird to me. I met a new man that has made the thoughts of my xMOM fade some. In my life, I feel this is the only way to get over my xMOM and to have a great sex life. I know an A is wrong, but for me it is what makes me happy. So, IMO, having another A is the key to getting over your xMOW, and to have the intimacy one desires. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
cianne Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 So another words my current marriage is a form of punishment? I dont really view it that way. Like I said at the start of my thread my marriage is based in reality and so is my xOW's marriage. From what I know she is doing her best to make her marriage the best it can be and I applaud her for that. Now what she thinks about deep inside, I dont know. Does she view it as punishment? who knows probably not if I had to guess. Someone here called me a tortured soul and thats exactly what I am. I am doing my best to live in the present in the reality of my marriage and make it as whole as I can. Problem is, I am separated from my true soul mate and sometimes the hurt comes to the surface... Would you return to the XMOW, if she was willing? Who actually ended the A? Link to post Share on other sites
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