Still after all of this time.....

[loveslife]

So another words my current marriage is a form of punishment? I dont really view it that way. Like I said at the start of my thread my marriage is based in reality and so is my xOW's marriage. From what I know she is doing her best to make her marriage the best it can be and I applaud her for that. Now what she thinks about deep inside, I dont know. Does she view it as punishment? who knows probably not if I had to guess. Someone here called me a tortured soul and thats exactly what I am. I am doing my best to live in the present in the reality of my marriage and make it as whole as I can. Problem is, I am separated from my true soul mate and sometimes the hurt comes to the surface...

 

That's not what I said or meant. But I do wonder how come your marriage is what you see as being based in reality but your view your OW as your true soul mate.

[whichwayisup]

But I do wonder how come your marriage is what you see as being based in reality but your view your OW as your true soul mate

 

I could be wrong, but I'll take a shot of what he meant.. Reality = The life he built with his wife..The friends, the family, kids, house, everything..That's real life. The OW = Fantasy, and feelings.. A connection and deep emotion. THAT is not based on 'real life' it's all based on a lie - feelings, lying, deceiving, sneaking around.. He may truly love his OW, but that's all it is..FEELINGS. They haven't shared what he and his wife have shared - A long lasting and growing love.

 

NL, I hope one day you're able to close your heart and let go of xOW completely. Fact that 2 years later, daily might I add, and you're still so inlove with her and pining for her makes me wonder if you have settled with your wife, making her second fiddle.

[loveslife]

I could be wrong, but I'll take a shot of what he meant.. Reality = The life he built with his wife..The friends, the family, kids, house, everything..That's real life. The OW = Fantasy, and feelings.. A connection and deep emotion. THAT is not based on 'real life' it's all based on a lie - feelings, lying, deceiving, sneaking around.. He may truly love his OW, but that's all it is..FEELINGS. They haven't shared what he and his wife have shared - A long lasting and growing love.

 

NL, I hope one day you're able to close your heart and let go of xOW completely. Fact that 2 years later, daily might I add, and you're still so inlove with her and pining for her makes me wonder if you have settled with your wife, making her second fiddle.

 

Your explanation makes sense and what I'd expect NL to say.

 

However, it is really troubling that he is still thinking about her this much after 2 years. First, is that really fair to his wife? Second, it is not really healthy regardless of marital status.

[whichwayisup]

It depends on how often he has those thoughts, and feelings of missing his exOW. If it consumes him, is on his mind pretty much all the time, then yeah, it IS unfair to his wife, as he's living a lie and not putting in the required effort in everyway possible to reconnect and have intimacy again with his wife. He might just be better off alone.. To desire another woman and not respect/love fully the woman, his wife, that he's with now, isn't fair to her.

 

Or maybe this post of his is just a rant and many are reading into what he's saying, putting their spin on it, due to their own situations. Only he knows what he feels inside..

 

His opening post DID say that he's IN the marriage, so obviously he's making it work, or at best wants it to work out..

[loveslife]

I do think he wants it to work and agree that we might be reading too much into it. Maybe we take things too seriously.

 

The most important thing in any relationship is respect. So hopefully that is there. And I agree that none of us can know what's in his heart.

[boldjack]

Cianne, I'm curious. You say that you are open and honest with your H about your affairs. What about him? Does he have affairs, also? Why would a person stay in such a relationship? Sorry for the t-j but was curious.

[loveslife]

Cianne, I'm curious. You say that you are open and honest with your H about your affairs. What about him? Does he have affairs, also? Why would a person stay in such a relationship? Sorry for the t-j but was curious.

 

This is an interesting question. I wonder how many BS's accept their WS back because they themselves have been unfaithful.

 

I know someone that happened to actually. He got caught cheating. She accepted him apologies. Turns out she was being "big" and playing victim but she herself had been unfaithful.

 

Not saying that's the case here but I think it's an interesting question...maybe its own thread.

[ladydesigner]

Still after all of this time.....

I have essentially been in NC for over two years now. I work with the xOW and only correspond via email for work reasons. I dont speak with her, I dont contact her in anyway, shape or form. In spite of all of that I still think of her, I still dream of her I still long or her and I still desire her.

 

As far as my marriage goes, my wife and I are doing great, we get along we are doing all the right things and so am I. I have been faithful I havent contacted the xOW but the feelings are still there. They dont go away they are there every day and i pray every day for them to stop but they dont.

 

So for all of you out there who are in NC hang in there its the best thing but man it hurts and hurts for a long, long time. I still love the xOW and I know that I always will. If I had ANY advice its

 

DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!

 

NL

 

Neverlate I am in the same boat. I still think of my XOM 1.5 years later and it hurts...deeply. I always feel that he is not as tortured because he was the one that ended it. There are days that I think I am over him, mad at him and then bam I am right back here again, missing him. I have had NC for a month now and he just contacted me again via LinkedIn, to add him as a contact.

 

My marriage I would say is in complete shambles. I should leave, but I am not financially okay to be on my own and neither is my H. Plus we have two beautiful children together and I feel they should have their dad and mom together. So I am faking it till I make it or don't make it I guess. I do not have those feelings towards my H that I did with XOM, I don't think I ever really did. I also feel that XOM was my soulmate and a fantasy as well. I also know my XOM would not have made such a great marriage partner. Its a catch 22 I don't think my M is sustainable or my relationship with XOM would have been sustainable. It really has made for quite a confusing time in my life.

 

I hate these feelings of missing XOM. I really wish they would go away. I am a tortured soul and I hope one day that this too shall pass.

 

(((Neverlate)))

[OldEurope]

The feelings I experienced with xOW were the most intense I ever felt and have felt since. Problem was IT WASNT REAL! What I have with my wife IS REAL. It may not be so romantic like you described white flower but they are real none the less. I trust her and she trusts me. We care for each other and we are great friends. Sex is not good and I think thats a result of the romantic part or "the connection" being missing or more accurately never there in the first place. I believe that you only have one connection like that and I believe it was with my xOW. That doesnt mean I cant have a good marriage and a good life with my wife. And yes she knows about the A.

 

NL

 

I always have to laugh when I read these kinds of things.

 

Why should intense feelings, day in and day out, necessarily mean "fantasy"?

 

Why should comfortable old slipper-love be the only kind that is "real"?

 

You are still pining for this woman. You think your head is playing delusional tricks on you? No, it is not.

 

You better be careful about what you want the "Reality" of your life to be. Resignation is not synonomous with reality.

 

Being alive and feeling alive, is

 

xox

OE

[MaureyL]

I am very pleased to hear your side of the story-- I feel exactly the same way about my "MM" (he had a live in girlfriend but same thing, he wasn't willing to leave her).

 

I know in my heart that I will be thinking about him in two years' time as well... it's been over a year since I've seen him. But he was much much younger than me and I'm sure he has moved on and is putting his energy into the relationship he has with his girlfriend.... getting married, planning for children, etc.

 

It didn't mean the same thing for me. I won't ever be over him I'm sure. But I can go on and have a nice life and be ready for whatever adventures lie ahead of me... xx

[delirious]

I always have to laugh when I read these kinds of things.

 

Why should intense feelings, day in and day out, necessarily mean "fantasy"?

 

Why should comfortable old slipper-love be the only kind that is "real"?

 

You are still pining for this woman. You think your head is playing delusional tricks on you? No, it is not.

 

You better be careful about what you want the "Reality" of your life to be. Resignation is not synonomous with reality.

 

Being alive and feeling alive, is

 

xox

OE

I think it is usually men that try and rationalise their feelings too much and end up looking up their own a.ses. Women tend to see true love for what it is. Like I said earlier Comfort Zone. So do you want to stay married to your sister???

[cianne]

Cianne, I'm curious. You say that you are open and honest with your H about your affairs. What about him? Does he have affairs, also? Why would a person stay in such a relationship? Sorry for the t-j but was curious.

The only reason my H knew about A is because xMOM was threatening me with telling him. So I just told the whole truth, in fact, probably too much truth. My H does know that I have zero passion for him, and both of us hope it comes back, I tell him I hope and think it will, but I really do not belive I will regain the passion I once had for him. As far as I know my H has had no A's. He is deeply religious, I am not. I met my H while he was separated from his former W, and had been separated for 2 years. We were together for 10 days and she decided she wanted him back, and he left me only to return 1 year and 10 months later. Then we married. We have been married 10 years. He also tried to have a relationship with a good friend of mine, but she told me about it. I think my lust was not at the same level for him when he returned to me after leaving his wife the 2nd time, and i maybe should not have married him. I do not tell him when I am having an A. IME, my passion dies for my man after a very short time, my H provides for me very well, my xMOM would not have been able to provide for me the way my H does, but I was so much more compatable with my xMOM. I'm older and really thought about what it would have been like in reality with the xMOM. My H is in great shape and very healthy, and makes a good living. My xMOM was in not as good of shape and smoked and did not make a great living. My H has told me that he loves me very much and will do anything to make me happy and will always take care of me.

[HisSweetThing]

UGH.. I wish I could just get him to tell me he doesn't love me, that would make this all so much easier. Sorry, I am having a whiny day today. sorry ....

 

I so understand this. I have told my OMM to just tell me that he doesn't love me. That's all he would have to say for me to move on. I don't want to be with anybody who doesn't love me. But he can't do it. He just gets sad, closes his eyes and shakes his head and says he can't do it.

[Fallen Angel]

i always have to laugh when i read these kinds of things.

 

Why should intense feelings, day in and day out, necessarily mean "fantasy"?

 

Why should comfortable old slipper-love be the only kind that is "real"?

 

You are still pining for this woman. You think your head is playing delusional tricks on you? No, it is not.

 

You better be careful about what you want the "reality" of your life to be. Resignation is not synonomous with reality.

 

Being alive and feeling alive, is

 

xox

oe

 

 

amen!!!!!!!!!

[Fallen Angel]

I so understand this. I have told my OMM to just tell me that he doesn't love me. That's all he would have to say for me to move on. I don't want to be with anybody who doesn't love me. But he can't do it. He just gets sad, closes his eyes and shakes his head and says he can't do it.

 

My MM says the same thing, that he can't and won't lie to me, so if that is what I need he is sorry, but he just can't give it to me. I have told him time and again that he started this all with a lie to me, now he needs to grow a pair and end it that way too. *sigh*

[boldjack]

Thanks, Cianne, for answering my question. you seem to be pretty much as I thought you were. Thanks again

[boldjack]

OP, I sometimes think that people do not put enough thought into marriage as they should. You and other posters apparently believe that you can have a successful/happy marriage, without being totally committed, emotionally, to your partner. Maybe we should have another thread, where each of your partners can come and say whether they are satisfied with a part-time mate, who is still in love with somebody else. I'm betting that there would be a vast difference in perspective.

[howcouldInotknow]

Do you know how many people have all of the trappings of a good life based on so-called reality? Hello people feelings are a reality. What he feels for his XOW are real. Circumstances may make them impractical but that does not make them a fantasy. If after 2 years he still misses her and feels a connection with her. That means he was and probably still is in love with her. Things like a home, assests, money and other tangible things are considered reality because they are something that people see everyday. A feeling is more hard to explain because its not something seen but something felt.

I am not sure how many of you read my story. But my XMM went back to his wife and he is not happy. His wife who cheated because of what they had built together. Should someone feel like something is missing everyday of their lives because of this? I do not think so. What he feels isn't fair to himself or his wife. I would not want to spend the rest of my life with a man who misses someone else everyday. At the end of the day from what he is saying by comparison he generally finds his wife lacking when compared to the other woman, but because of history and living in "reality" you stay in a marriage such as this? Maybe what is actually a fantasy is the ideas that you have based upon reality.

[cianne]

Do you know how many people have all of the trappings of a good life based on so-called reality? Hello people feelings are a reality. What he feels for his XOW are real. Circumstances may make them impractical but that does not make them a fantasy. If after 2 years he still misses her and feels a connection with her. That means he was and probably still is in love with her. Things like a home, assests, money and other tangible things are considered reality because they are something that people see everyday. A feeling is more hard to explain because its not something seen but something felt.

I am not sure how many of you read my story. But my XMM went back to his wife and he is not happy. His wife who cheated because of what they had built together. Should someone feel like something is missing everyday of their lives because of this? I do not think so. What he feels isn't fair to himself or his wife. I would not want to spend the rest of my life with a man who misses someone else everyday. At the end of the day from what he is saying by comparison he generally finds his wife lacking when compared to the other woman, but because of history and living in "reality" you stay in a marriage such as this? Maybe what is actually a fantasy is the ideas that you have based upon reality.

This is SO true.

[howcouldInotknow]

I just feel that as humans we get caught up in what we have accumulated together rather than what we feel for each other. He is in his marriage with his wife, himself, and the ghost and memories of the other woman and I think had the OP's other woman chose to be with him he would not be there having a "good marriage". Everything that he described in his post (ie friendship, history, etc) all of these things can be had without actually being in your marriage with a little work IMO

[herenow]

NL, so if your xOW left her husband would you have been willing to test your love outside of the "idealized" situation you had with her? Because right now, I think you did the Math and settled. Nothing wrong with that-whatever makes your life meaningful, I guess.

 

It is a sobering realization that many married affair partners are not willing to take their "idealized" or "fantasy-based" relationship to real life...instead they settle with what is known and comfortable...I wonder, for those betrayed spouses is that good enough for you?

 

The way I read this thread is that the OP didn't have the choice to be with his OW since she decided to stay with her H.

 

However, to answer your question, if I were the BS in this situation there is no way I would stay marred to the OP. The only way to get a true answer is for the OP to tell his wife the truth and let her make that choice. It may be a "meaningful" life for the OP, but how meaningful is it for his wife?

 

This is exactly what all my "preaching" about the truth to the BS is all about.

 

Here you have a woman who is married to a man that dreams about another woman who he had affair with, and that BW has no idea that her H is settling for her. Maybe she doesn't want to be settled for. Maybe she would like those intense feelings herself with someone who truly loves and wants to be with only her. But she doesn't have that choice because her H is making a choice for her behind her back.

 

If he had any form of compassion or love for his wife, he would let her in on the secret and let her make her own decision if she wants to be married to a man who has feelings for an OW. It's is her life too that we are talking about. Why shouldn't she know what is going on in her own marriage?

Edited October 5, 2009 by herenow

[howcouldInotknow]

The way i read this is that the OP didn't have the choice to be with his OW since she decided to stay with her H.

 

However, to answer your question, if I were the BS in this situation there is no way I would stay marred to the OP. The only way to get a true answer is for the OP to tell his wife the truth and let her make that choice.

 

This is exactly what all my "preaching" about the truth to the BS is all about.

 

Here you have a woman who is married to a man that dreams about another woman who he had affair with, and that BW has no idea that her H is settling for her. Maybe she doesn't want to be settled for. Maybe she would like those intense feelings herself with someone who truly loves and wants to be with only her. But she doesn't have that choice because her H is making a choice for her behind her back.

 

If he had any form of compassion or love for his wife, he would let her in on the secret and let her make her own decision if she wants to be married to a man who has feelings for an OW. It's is her life too that we are talking about. Why shouldn't she know what is going on in her own marriage?

 

 

Thank you. I agree with what you have said. IMO as much as he feels his feelings for OW are based upon fantasy his "good marriage" is also based upon just as much fantasy because both parties are not existing in the same reality.

[loveslife]

You guys all said what I wanted to say but somehow felt I did not have the right to say.

 

Reading all these posts though made me think - don't you think the OP's wife knows he's not all there with her? Don't you think she feels something missing?

 

And cianne, I'm impressed by your honesty.

[TogetherForever]

I'm late to this party of course.

 

I feel so sad for all involved in this.

For the op - you've still got feelings for your xow. Isn't that sad?

You say they are "fanstasy" only. Are they? Really?

 

Your wife knows of these feelings you still have for ow? WOW. That's sad too.

 

Oh & the xow's husband. Hmmm, sad? Yeah. I wonder if xow still has those deep feelings for op too?

 

If I would've stayed with my h & my guy stayed with his w, we'd have missed out on this beautiful love. We'd have been miserable (or faking happiness) for lack of better words.

 

I hope things are ok with op & his w. And for the xow & her h.

 

Love lost is sad all the way around.

[herenow]

The feelings I experienced with xOW were the most intense I ever felt and have felt since. Problem was IT WASNT REAL! What I have with my wife IS REAL. It may not be so romantic like you described white flower but they are real none the less. I trust her and she trusts me. We care for each other and we are great friends. Sex is not good and I think thats a result of the romantic part or "the connection" being missing or more accurately never there in the first place. I believe that you only have one connection like that and I believe it was with my xOW. That doesnt mean I cant have a good marriage and a good life with my wife. And yes she knows about the A.

[quote

 

 

Your wife may know about the affair, but does she know what you just said in this post about "the connection" being with the OW? Or what you said in your your OP?

 

"In spite of all of that I still think of her, I still dream of her I still long or her and I still desire her."

 

Do you think if your wife knew how you feel about the OW, she would think you have a "good life and a good marriage"? Do you think she would opt for good enough just because you are wiling to?