Still after all of this time.....

[Devil Inside]

NL..my brother from another mother!

 

I completely understand how you feel my man. The disconnect between the heart and the head can be a real fun mess to untangle.

 

I have been NC 10weeks tomorrow...I hope that in 2 years I will not be still pining for her like you are yours...however...I can see how that happens because in many ways the time spent becomes the only way to define what a relationship with them would be like..and that gets frozen in time like a fairy tale...very intoxicating.

 

I do know that I feel much better then I did when I started NC...or then when it ended. I miss her. I have fond memories. I see her as a gift...one that I was not meant to have forever.

[becky2009]

I think it is usually men that try and rationalise their feelings too much and end up looking up their own a.ses. Women tend to see true love for what it is. Like I said earlier Comfort Zone. So do you want to stay married to your sister???

 

 

Funny! Several weeks ago I said almost the exact same statement to my xMM...and at the end said SHE IS NOT YOUR SISTER.

HA HA

It is sad that so many prefer to be unhappy instead of dealing with short term discomfort, or having to make a final decision for themselves. I just don't get it.

[becky2009]

Interesting Article : )

 

 

http://health.usnews.com/blogs/on-women/2009/07/02/can-mark-sanford-save-his-marriage-probably-not-.html

[NeverLate]

Wow

 

Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond to my thread. There are many opinions on this subject and there are no clear cut answers. My guess is that my xOW has moved on and has devoted herself to her H and her marriage. I am also guessing that her H knows nothing of what happend and she probably thinks that what ever happened is better left to repressed memories.

 

The fact is I did love my xOW and I suppose I still do and probably always will. As I have said here previously. I have never felt such a connection both emotionally and physically as I did with her. I guess because I lost it I am rationalizing that it wasnt real. Maybe in fact people just dont have that kind of connection in real life at all. I just remember laying awake at night thinking of her and then the next day talking with her and she would say "You know you kept me up at night again"

 

I guess the fact I experienced that was enough. you all say I am not being fair to my W. Well maybe not. But maybe my W and I were never meant to have that connection but at the time we got together that was okay. At this point in my life it is okay. I would say that so few people experience the kind of love I had for this person that most dont even know they are missing it.

 

So do I regret cheating on my W? You bet. Do I wish it never happened? defiantely. Will it happen again? NEVER.

 

Do I miss my soulmate? my xOW? to my very core. That is my punishment for my transgressions. Its having found the love of my life when I wasnt supposed to, experiencing "the connection" for so brief a time only to lose it as quickly as it came. So all I have left is the memory of her and the connection

 

I guess now my cross to bare is I know I should never have had it in the first place.

 

NL

Edited October 6, 2009 by NeverLate

[Devil Inside]

Hey NL.

 

I hear you when you say that you deserve to feel that you lost your soulmate as payment for your transgressions. I was/ kind of still am there.

 

What I wonder...however...is if we are not only selling our wives short...but also ourselves. See my wife knows about the A, she knows I loved her, and she knows about my ambivalence. Thing is....I am giving myself a year..and then if I can't give my wife what she deserves, and if I don't have the connection I want...then it is time to finally do something for the good for both of us and leave.

 

I mean for me...I sometimes think...did I have this affair to make an excuse to exit the marriage? Am I using all the emotions from losing her to avoid an even scarier reality...that I just don't want to be married to my wife. Not sure. I wonder if you may feel the same...maybe...maybe not.

 

Either way brother...good luck. I hope it gets easier with time.

[fooled once]

Separation is the worst punishment of all.....

 

I feel so sorry for your wife. Little does she know, I bet, how much you pine away for this OW. I bet she would dump you in an instant if she knew.

 

Why not be TOTALLY truthful with her and let her know she was 2nd choice?

[jj33]

Never when I read your thread I thought it could have been the person I was involved with.

 

Many people feel as you do. Most just dont admit it. Its difficult.

 

Im sure your W has her own reasons for staying in the marriage just as you do.

 

Its been over 2 years for me too. And Im not sure the sadness of losing someone you love ever goes away.

 

We just fight now. Most things lead to an argument. Although we only discuss work.

 

Its very frustating. So much unsaid but as he is married what is there really to say? Nothing. Nothing that will change things.

 

But its painful to be in contact with someone who you love and can never have.

[whattodonow12]

Basically, I think my MM could have written this post also. He pretty much told me that it is just too painful him to even consider what there could be between us in the future because he can't leave. He doesn't want to do that to his kids.. he doesn't want to hurt his W.. he doesn't want to be a "quitter." I think that this is the obvious difference between men and women in these situations ( or, at least, most of the time).

 

It is sad that MM thinks that it is best to lie to his wife, then suffer in silence. (talking about mine) And, I honestly think that if anyone is still feeling that way after 2 years, then they have really short changed themselves and their spouses. I know that I would not want to continue with a man that had loved and still loves someone else like that.

[NeverLate]

So how would anyone here know if my wife was "2nd choice"? Sometimes in life you cant pursue what feels good or is what makes YOU happiest. Its about others who are affected by YOUR decisions. I know and my wife knows that I screwed up big time. I am doing the best I possibly can to live my life in an open, honest and loving manner with her and my family. Would it help if I spilled my guts and told her every little secret feeling crawling around inside me ? I seriously doubt it.

 

We all people here on this site included have done things we have regretted. I bet my wife has done some of those too and I bet she chooses not to share them with me because it would not result in any good at all. My xOW was willing to continue our relationship as "friends" and I told her no. She told me she was staying with her H but that we could still be friends just without "the benefits" I told her no. If she didnt want all of me then she was going to have none of me period. So in that sense my wife and family were my FIRST choice.

 

I my xOW I wanted nothing to do with her because at that point there was no point in continuing as it would just result in more pain and would prevent both of us from repairing what we had nearly destroyed. So, I did the right thing which is not always the feel good thing and went into NC two years ago. Now the xOW and I dont talk at all even about work. We exchange one line emails. Thats it. I did that to stay with my wife and my family cause it was the RIGHT thing to do.

 

Do I long for the connection? yes. Its dead but yet I long for it and I cant help it. It tortures me and I have a feeling it always will.

 

Long live the connection!!

 

NL

Edited October 6, 2009 by NeverLate

[tami-chan]

I appreciate your candidness, NL. I guess, like Devil Inside says ,your connection with your xOW was a gift and you have to appreciate it for what it was. Good luck in your marriage and may you find the passion that you long for with your wife or the courage to leave when you won't.

[EarthGirl]

So how would anyone here know if my wife was "2nd choice"? Sometimes in life you cant pursue what feels good or is what makes YOU happiest. Its about others who are affected by YOUR decisions. I know and my wife knows that I screwed up big time. I am doing the best I possibly can to live my life in an open, honest and loving manner with her and my family. Would it help if I spilled my guts and told her every little secret feeling crawling around inside me ? I seriously doubt it.

 

We all people here on this site included have done things we have regretted. I bet my wife has done some of those too and I bet she chooses not to share them with me because it would not result in any good at all. My xOW was willing to continue our relationship as "friends" and I told her no. She told me she was staying with her H but that we could still be friends just without "the benefits" I told her no. If she didnt want all of me then she was going to have none of me period. So in that sense my wife and family were my FIRST choice.

 

I my xOW I wanted nothing to do with her because at that point there was no point in continuing as it would just result in more pain and would prevent both of us from repairing what we had nearly destroyed. So, I did the right thing which is not always the feel good thing and went into NC two years ago. Now the xOW and I dont talk at all even about work. We exchange one line emails. Thats it. I did that to stay with my wife and my family cause it was the RIGHT thing to do.

 

Do I long for the connection? yes. Its dead but yet I long for it and I cant help it. It tortures me and I have a feeling it always will.

 

Long live the connection!!

 

NL

 

sometimes one person's "right thing to do" is a wrong thing to do for someone else..even an evil thing. You live in your own world and not everyone believes in that whole soulmate thing anyway, i'm not sure if I do myself anymore. I have had my own confusion about that one, or than one, or that one..they are all so nice and make me feel all gooey inside.

 

nevertheless the person who comes first chronologically in your life and you happen to give a ring to first or is closest in some way, geographically or otherwise, is not always the "right" person for you. Or they may very well be. It is on your own conscience...remember you are responsible for the consequences not only for your wife but your children..and for that matter the OW too, you made the choice, you will always have to live with it. There may have been many horrible consequences had you gone after the "OW" but there may be just as many consequences in staying with your wife that you cannot foresee at this point in time.

 

On the other hand maybe it is just a "fantasy" addiction and nothing more. Maybe you will rekindle love and intimacy with your wife and live a happy life together.

 

Hopefully it will all work out how it's supposed to. Doesn't it always?

 

good luck.

[boldjack]

NL, after a while this will all come under the heading of "lost loves", and will be pleasant to think about, but you won't want to act on it, anymore. Put your wife first, in all things and you will be fine. Time is a healer.

[EarthGirl]

NL, after a while this will all come under the heading of "lost loves", and will be pleasant to think about, but you won't want to act on it, anymore. Put your wife first, in all things and you will be fine. Time is a healer.

 

what makes a "wife" a wife, though. So many people say always put the wife first, always end the affair...but some people marry for love and others don't and some people marry for love but don't find as true a connection as with someone else that they either meet too late or before but they screwed it up for some reason, and they make mistakes, as we all do in every other aspect of our lives. I don't see why marriage should be any different. After all even though people get married in churches and synagogues and temples and such, and usually the clergy or the vows say something or have something about God presiding over the union. God doesn't REALLY preside over the union, now does he?

 

God in some peoples' minds and in ancient literature chose for each of us one soul to fit perfectly with us...wether or not you buy into that...it stands to reason since we are human and fallible and are not always in direct contact with God (I believe SOMETIMES we can be if we're lucky, through dreams, signs, visions, etc.)..most of the time we aren't for many of us..that many unions are really necessarily sanctified by God but simply two people deciding that they want to make it legal and have a big beautiful wedding. Many times it is for true love, sometimes it isn't at all and it is a blatant lie or marriage of convenience of some kind, sometimes for pure lust , other times for love that may be love but not exactly true love... all of us who have been in love more than one time, even 3 or 4 or more in our lifetimes, know that each time it can feel incredible and quite true and special indeed, but we still may only find one person that really "gets" us and makes us feel especially comfortable and lightheaded (in a good way).

 

If that person is your wife, than your "wife" made legal on this earthly plane is REALLY your WIFE in God's eyes. If you do believe in that kind of thing (like I said I am not sure at all anymore, but I'm still hoping). But there is a possibility that your wife that you signed papers with on this earth and stood at the altar with is not your "actual wife' but someone you signed papers with and stood at an altar with, even if you do love eachother in some kind of genuine way.

[jj33]

NL you have done the right thing. As someone who has to engage in more than one line emails I can tell you it is not good.

 

To have long meetings and conversations and protracted email exchanges purely about business with xOW would be more frustrating if you were both vigilant about not delving into personal matters.

 

It pains me to get these emails on the weekend saying I need to talk to you about x customer only to speak and find the conversation is 100% business and not urgent at all. He is clearly searching for the connectoin but "doing the right thing" and not straying from business. Its all false and has strained and sullied what was.

 

The whole thing is a minefield.

[loveslife]

First, about your wife,

 

you all say I am not being fair to my W. Well maybe not. But maybe my W and I were never meant to have that connection but at the time we got together that was okay. At this point in my life it is okay.

 

Then, about the xOW,

 

I told her no. If she didnt want all of me then she was going to have none of me period. So in that sense my wife and family were my FIRST choice.

 

It sounds like you're not really thinking about your wife as much as thinking about yourself.

 

That's just my opinion based on the things you've written here. Only you would know for sure but you did ask us for our opinions.

[WalkInThePark]

What I have with my wife IS REAL. It may not be so romantic like you described white flower but they are real none the less. I trust her and she trusts me. We care for each other and we are great friends. Sex is not good and I think thats a result of the romantic part or "the connection" being missing or more accurately never there in the first place. I believe that you only have one connection like that and I believe it was with my xOW. That doesnt mean I cant have a good marriage and a good life with my wife.

NL

 

So:

* romantic and good sex = not real

* not romantic and bad sex = real

 

That is one depressing outlook on relationships...

 

I think that if you had romance in your M, you would not miss the OW so much.

 

Call me idealistic but I would want my M to be a place where we care about each other, where we are good friends and passionate lovers. I think if you have all that, there is no need for an A.

[greengoddess]

How do you expect to have any kind of real connection to your wife when you lie to her every single day and think about another woman? Do you really think your wife doesn't feel that disconnect? I wonder how many times he asked you what's wrong and you said nothing.

 

Your wife deserves someone who loves her, not someone who is with her because it is the right thing to do. This woman knows something is wrong with her marriage and you are too cowardly to get honest with her. You will never have that connection with her because you will never be man enough to face her and tell her the truth and get the guilt out.

[HisSweetThing]

what makes a "wife" a wife, though. So many people say always put the wife first, always end the affair...but some people marry for love and others don't and some people marry for love but don't find as true a connection as with someone else that they either meet too late or before but they screwed it up for some reason, and they make mistakes, as we all do in every other aspect of our lives. I don't see why marriage should be any different. After all even though people get married in churches and synagogues and temples and such, and usually the clergy or the vows say something or have something about God presiding over the union. God doesn't REALLY preside over the union, now does he?

 

God in some peoples' minds and in ancient literature chose for each of us one soul to fit perfectly with us...wether or not you buy into that...it stands to reason since we are human and fallible and are not always in direct contact with God (I believe SOMETIMES we can be if we're lucky, through dreams, signs, visions, etc.)..most of the time we aren't for many of us..that many unions are really necessarily sanctified by God but simply two people deciding that they want to make it legal and have a big beautiful wedding. Many times it is for true love, sometimes it isn't at all and it is a blatant lie or marriage of convenience of some kind, sometimes for pure lust , other times for love that may be love but not exactly true love... all of us who have been in love more than one time, even 3 or 4 or more in our lifetimes, know that each time it can feel incredible and quite true and special indeed, but we still may only find one person that really "gets" us and makes us feel especially comfortable and lightheaded (in a good way).

 

If that person is your wife, than your "wife" made legal on this earthly plane is REALLY your WIFE in God's eyes. If you do believe in that kind of thing (like I said I am not sure at all anymore, but I'm still hoping). But there is a possibility that your wife that you signed papers with on this earth and stood at the altar with is not your "actual wife' but someone you signed papers with and stood at an altar with, even if you do love eachother in some kind of genuine way.

 

This is exactly the way I look at things. Excellent post.

[greengoddess]

This is exactly the way I look at things. Excellent post.

 

lol just sounds to me like a way of justifying an affair to the extreme. Funny how people talk themselves into believing what they want to believe. Anyway you want to spin it an affair is wrong and cowardly.

[whichwayisup]

So how would anyone here know if my wife was "2nd choice"? Sometimes in life you cant pursue what feels good or is what makes YOU happiest.

 

Let me ask you..If your OW had left her husband, would you have left your wife? It seems because the OW didn't leave her H, you had to go back to your marriage.

 

True, in life you can't always get what you want, or what makes you feel good/happiest. So why then have the affair in the firstplace?

 

Its about others who are affected by YOUR decisions. I know and my wife knows that I screwed up big time. I am doing the best I possibly can to live my life in an open, honest and loving manner with her and my family. Would it help if I spilled my guts and told her every little secret feeling crawling around inside me ? I seriously doubt it.

 

Glad you see this, it is about others affected by your decisions.. And you're still choosing to hang onto the OW. You're thinking of her, allowing yourself to miss how she made you feel, missing that connection.. 2 years later. Don't you think by doing this, affects how you feel towards your wife? If your wife knew how often you thought of and missed your exOW, SHE would feel hurt, like second fiddle in your heart. No it wouldn't help, but it would probably make her wonder why you chose to stay married to her.

 

We all people here on this site included have done things we have regretted. I bet my wife has done some of those too and I bet she chooses not to share them with me because it would not result in any good at all. My xOW was willing to continue our relationship as "friends" and I told her no. She told me she was staying with her H but that we could still be friends just without "the benefits" I told her no. If she didnt want all of me then she was going to have none of me period. So in that sense my wife and family were my FIRST choice.

 

No, your wife and family were not your first choice.. IF the OW had left her H, you would have left your wife to be with her, so you could of had 'all' of her. You chose your wife and family because there was no other choice. Well there was one other choice, divorce your wife reguardless of what the OW chose to do.

 

I my xOW I wanted nothing to do with her because at that point there was no point in continuing as it would just result in more pain and would prevent both of us from repairing what we had nearly destroyed. So, I did the right thing which is not always the feel good thing and went into NC two years ago. Now the xOW and I dont talk at all even about work. We exchange one line emails. Thats it. I did that to stay with my wife and my family cause it was the RIGHT thing to do.

 

One line emails..About what? See, by doing this, you ARE keeping the connection alive..Feeding feelings.. She isn't out of your life.. Unless I'm mistaken by how you've worded this, but you and OW still work together? And one line emails are about work related issues? Sorry..

Do I long for the connection? yes. Its dead but yet I long for it and I cant help it. It tortures me and I have a feeling it always will.

 

Long live the connection!!

 

Wrong. Kill the connection. It is doing more harm than good.

[NeverLate]

All,

 

First, to answer the question that WWIU answered for me, I am not sure I would have left my wife. I ask myself that question often. When my xOW was trying to leave her H for me, I could have moved out myself. This may have changed things altogether. So when faced with the reality of leaving who knows how it would have turned out. Maybe in the end xOW sensed my indecision and decided to stay herself. Only she knows.

 

As far as one line emails are concerned, they are business only and usually there is more than one person on distribution so I would hardly consider that a means to maintain "the connection"

 

WWIU you act as if my continuing to pine away for xOW is my choice. I would contend as I said at the opening of this thread that its not. I pray every day that it goes away that it stops.

 

Given the circumstances I feel I have done the best that I can. If all of you think that the best way is to spill my guts to my wife and tell her every sordid detail destroying her in the process, I dont think so. But from what I can see on this forum it hasnt changed much. A bunch of jilted, bitter, angry people seeking revenge even if its by living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others.

 

Shame on you.

 

NL

[loveslife]

Given the circumstances I feel I have done the best that I can. If all of you think that the best way is to spill my guts to my wife and tell her every sordid detail destroying her in the process, I dont think so. But from what I can see on this forum it hasnt changed much. A bunch of jilted, bitter, angry people seeking revenge even if its by living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others.

 

Shame on you.

 

NL

 

Hmmmm I love how cheaters feel a sense of entitlement.

 

Yes, there are a lot of broken, jilted and bitter people here. And we're that way because of people like you. It's exactly the type of person your wife will end up if she ever finds out that you've been pining all these years.

 

We can't control it any more than you can control pining for this woman.

 

Putting other people down does not make you any better. In fact, it's kind of ironic given the situation.

Edited October 6, 2009 by loveslife

[NeverLate]

So what exactly do you think I feel entitled to??? My feelings? My pain? My guilt? My right to express my feelings as I see them?? I would say the answers to all the above would be YES. This forum has not changed much over the last couple of years in that it is still patrolled by bitter people who are victims of someones indiscretions. Because of that THEY feel entitled to the privilege of sitting in harsh judgement over every one (especially men) who post here in an effort to get what is bothering them off of their chests.

 

It almost predatory in nature as you take every opportunity to express your anger and bitterness towards people you dont even know in an effort to make yourselves feel better that somehow by hurting others you justify your own hatred towards someone else.

 

When someone comes here to post as I have who is clearly hurting and searching for answers not from this forum (I never did ask for anyones opinion) but from myself not only do you not comment on my direct statements but you make the gross over generalization that I am a bad and evil person just because I made a mistake which BTW I have admitted to and have spent the last 2 years trying to make up for and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my days. If everyone was treated like you have treated me here because of mistakes we all have made then I fear everyone on earth would condemn and stand in judgement of everyone else.

 

So excuse me if I say to you

 

Shame on you.

[whattodonow12]

NeverLate, it does sound like you didn't have the option of being with your OW. I am sorry for that because it does sound as if she is really the one that you love in all ways. But, I understand that.. given the situation.. that you felt like the right thing to do was to work on things with your wife. I agree that continuing in an affair would not be best for either one of you. Good luck and I hope these feelings ease for you. (and me )

[loveslife]

Good luck with all those emotions, NL. It seems you're a very deep-feeling man and I wish you peace.