feelings for a married co-worker

[ocean]

I've spent the last hour reading through posts similar to the situation I am going through. You all seem like a great place to let out feelings and get advise, so, here goes.

 

Here's my story.

 

I started a new job about 6 months ago, the job of my dreams. The business is owned by a very successful and wealthy company and it seemed that it was a very solid workplace. I quickly fit into the group with the other managers and really began to enjoy going to work.

 

Here's the bad part. For the last couple of months I have flirted with one of the other managers, a married one. Really didn't give it more thought than it deserved, just a fun commradery, and nothing ever happened inapprororiate. We all then learned that due to the lack of financial success for the first few months of this newly formed business, that job layoffs needed to occur. So much for feeling safe working for such a wealthy company. Guess who got the ax? This married man.

 

I can't even put into words the emotions this brought out of me. Saddness, protectiveness, anger, long bouts of crying, and I think I have strong romantic feelings for him. Suddenly now that I know I won't see him daily everything is so final, such a blunt ending. I know that everyone thinks their situation is somehow different, but I can't deny this connection I feel towards him, we have become close friends and even though I know it's wrong I just don't know what to do with all these strong feelings.

 

Last night was his last day on the job, and I have been going back in forth in my mind for the last two weeks, do I tell him about my feelings? Would it make a difference? OR is it just something I need to swallow and not burden him with for my own self-gratification.

 

Well, alcohol did it for me. I told him last night in a drunken haze and we just hugged and hugged. Honestly, I so-overindulged that the whole night was a blur, all I know is again I cried my eyes out and have been crying all day.

 

Now I am ashamed to face the other people I work with on Monday morning now that they have all witnessed this flaw in me. And I hurt so very bad for the loss of this person in my life. I keep thinking foolishly that he is "the one" and things like this happen all the time and there is a future for us if only things will work out.

 

I just can't get through this pain right now, every muscle in my heart hurts. I can't focus on anything, I don't want to take care of myself or my home, I just want to sit here on the computer drinking beer and somehow try to get through the next ten minutes, then the next ten minutes. I don't like feeling so desperate and alone but I don't know what to do to stop it.

[moimeme]

You can't stop it, nor should you. The only way to get past pain is to go through it - going around it or ignoring it doesn't work. Unfortunately, you got attached to the wrong person. We all do it. This one was married. Some don't return one's affections. Others are troubled humans. You need to heal from this loss and move on.

 

It's going to hurt. Know that. The hurt will also lessen in time. Believe that.

[meanon]

Grief for loss of a love one is a normal part of life - in general I think it is best to resist the impulse to define extreme distress as pathology. Life is a roller coaster. There is something about your reaction, however, that seems unusual.

 

It could just be a turn of phrase but I get the impression that you only realised you loved this person when you knew that they were going. In fact you give the impression that the relationship was a source of amusement ("mild flirtatiousness") but that your feelings were in no way serious or intense. If so a reaction as extreme as that you are experiencing is likely to have it's roots in issues other than those that are immediately visible and you need to talk to friends or a therapist to explore and resolve your feelings.

 

I have a friend who displayed a repeated pattern of behaviour similar to yours - realising when the person was about to emigrate, go to university etc. that what was a close friendship was in fact love and that they were "the one". Eventually she realised that she subconsciously avoided putting her heart on the line by either failing to recognise how she felt about a person when they were available or by falling for someone who was clearly unavailable.

 

Does this strike a chord? Have you been in this situation before? Have you suffered a major rejection in your life? Did your Dad leave home when you were little? Is there anything else in your life going on that has made you particularly vulnerable?

 

The fact that this man was married doesn't seem to have figured in your reaction either. Even if he was "the one" he is already taken. I wouldn't be too concerned about other peoples' reactions. You may be teased a bit but people often get emotional after too much alcohol and it won't be long before someone else steals the limelight. I would laugh it off and blame the booze. As for the man you fancied, he will have been deeply flattered at a time when his pride will have taken a blow.

I don't want to take care of myself or my home, I just want to sit here on the computer drinking beer and somehow try to get through the next ten minutes, then the next ten minutes. I don't like feeling so desperate and alone but I don't know what to do to stop it.

If you feel like this for long then get help. You are taking the right approach - dealing with it minute by minute. Try not to be alone - seek support from friends and family. Moimeme is right - it does get easier. You will make it.

[ocean]

Well, I guess when I said that it was just harmless flirting, I meant that I knew that I was attracted to him very much, that we have a connection that was undeniable, but it never progressed any further than that, obviously because he is married. Nothing was ever spoken out loud. I think that if he had continued working at the same place I work, then eventually I would have been in this same situation, I guess it took on some velocity when I knew I wasn't going to be seeing him every day anymore.

As a matter of fact, you did strike a cord, I lost my dad when I was very young and grew up without a father. I'm sure this has some far reaching effects that I still recognize every day, even tho I'm in my early thirties now.

I'm still missing him terribly, think about him almost every minute, but you are right. The pain slowly slowly slowly gets a little duller. I just wish I could stop thinking about him so much.

But thank you so much for taking the time to answer my post. I appreciate it so much. What a soothing group you all are