xMOM just broke NC

[inhindsight]

looking for some input.

 

so I'm farting away my time today so far, doing some surfing on LS and checking emails... quite a boring day, really, and then just got a text msg not more than 10 minutes ago and it made me go cold. xMOM just texted saying he misses me and wants to see me, tomorrow if possible.

 

Now, before anything, may I just say I am NOT interested in meeting up with him. I have re-committed to my H, and I am not going to do anything further to jeopardize this renewal with him. Nor am I curious to know why he wants to meet up, as it is not important to me any longer.

 

My question is, how should I handle this?

 

1) ignore him, pretend I never got the message.

2) reply "no thank you, you know where I stand and you would be best to continue to move on with your life as I already have"

 

 

I am inclined to ignore him... after all, why engage in conversation?

 

Thoughts?

[Athena]

I think you should acknowledge it, just this once. Tell him you understand, and it's to be expected, however "no thank you, you know where I stand and you would be best to continue to move on with your life as I already have"

 

That way it's kind to him, it shuts the door, and it allows him to get an instant answer of NO to his last-ditch attempt to try once again.

[Athena]

Be firm, but kind to him.

[Snowflower]

Does your H know about your affair? If so, then you need to tell your H immediately, if not before about the message from the OM and show your husband the message or print it out.

 

I read that you have committed to your H and marriage, then please do this for him. It will speak volumes about your intent to have an honest marriage.

 

Don't reply to the xMOM, but please tell you H about it immediately.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with Athena.

 

Once you've sent it, you should immediately show your husband both the OM's message and your response. That will help demonstrate your re-commitment to him, and that you're not hiding anything from him anymore.

[eyeswide]

I really encourage you not to reply at all, Inhindsight. I do think you may have to show your husband and then show him that you are not responding and are hitting 'delete.'

 

You've sent him a no contact letter, right? If not, you should probably do so -- but don't respond to the text...

 

I think for me, the texting was part of the affair -- as much as physical touching were -- they were part of the thrill -- so sending back and forth text messages is in part "engagement" whether the message is "no" or "yes"

 

No contact letters, however, are different.

 

He's married right? recommitted and open with his wife? Call her and tell her about the text and that you're not interested!!!

[Athena]

 

He's married right? recommitted and open with his wife? Call her and tell her about the text and that you're not interested!!!

 

Ouch!

 

Inhindsight, I don't know your history with this man, but if you ever loved him, and this is the first time he's broken NC to tell you honestly how he feels about missing you and wanting you, it costs you very little to FIRMLY (but not nastily) say No to him.

[Athena]

Think about it... if you say nothing, he might fantasize that you are <considering> it... lol

[whichwayisup]

Text on your cell, or text from your IM? If IM, it's time to delete and block him so he can't contact you anymore. Don't know if it's possible to block people on cell..

 

1)Show your H the text.

2)Talk to your H on how to handle this.. Could send a note back saying "I've shown my H this text, please do not contact me again." Or plainly, IGNORE it.

 

The MOM has NO right to reach out to you, break contact and ask to meet up with you. He's a complete idiot for doing this..

 

Anyway, I say ignore it, but definately tell your H, see what he prefers to do.

[Athena]

Just make sure you don't get into a habit of texting him... so... just this once tell him No. Then you can ignore him.

 

It's human nature for him to miss you. Show him a tiny bit of compassion by giving him a response this one time. He will probably be grateful for the answer, even if a little disappointed...

[whichwayisup]

Think about it... if you say nothing, he might fantasize that you are <considering> it... lol

 

Who cares? Let him think that. He knows NC is in place, and if she doesn't break the NC, then silence is his answer.. Honestly, if this exMOM fantasizes that she's considering it because she didn't respond, he's living in a total fog!

 

She owes him NOTHING.

[Angel1111]

I think you should acknowledge it, just this once. Tell him you understand, and it's to be expected, however "no thank you, you know where I stand and you would be best to continue to move on with your life as I already have"

 

That way it's kind to him, it shuts the door, and it allows him to get an instant answer of NO to his last-ditch attempt to try once again.

 

I agree with this.

[Athena]

Yes, and if you have told your H about the A, definitely show your H both texts -- xMM's and your response.

 

And then go NC for good.

[MistyK]

Ouch!

 

Inhindsight, I don't know your history with this man, but if you ever loved him, and this is the first time he's broken NC to tell you honestly how he feels about missing you and wanting you, it costs you very little to FIRMLY (but not nastily) say No to him.

 

I agree here. No need to be nasty, especially if he meant something to you once.

[whichwayisup]

definitely show your H both texts -- xMM's and your response.

 

She should wait, talk to her H first, before replying. If she includes her H first, it'll show him that she is working hard to regain his trust.. To take matters into her own hands and then discuss it with her H later, might infact be worse in the long run.

[eyeswide]

Think about it... if you say nothing, he might fantasize that you are <considering> it... lol

 

Athena -- I usually agree with your advice, but in this case I say she has nothing to gain by engagement, nor is she responsible for how he chooses to interpret no response.

 

But I also thinkg WWIU has good advice -- show your H, tell him you're inclined to ignore the text, but want to know how does he want it handled...

 

make him your partner in this.

[pkn06002]

I wonder how the response to this question breaks down based on if you are a WS or a BS?

 

As a WS I say responded firmly but with compassion that you are not interested.

You got involved with this person and therefore have some responsibility to his feelings. Contrary to the beliefs of BS no response does not close the door, it just leaves the question hanging on the other side. Which gives hope for future contact to the OM.

 

Send the response then show your husband. If you get him involved in the response then the OM will know it is NOT from you but him. Which will lead to yet more attempts at contact.

 

You started this and therefore need to end it.

[inhindsight]

Think about it... if you say nothing, he might fantasize that you are <considering> it... lol

 

 

this is part of my worry. I dont' want to reply, but worry he will assume things.

[whichwayisup]

As a WS I say responded firmly but with compassion that you are not interested

MOM should KNOW she isn't interested due the fact the A is over and NC has been in place, that she hasn't broken NC. SILENCE is the key here.. It speaks volumes.

 

Honestly, he could be just fishing..For reaction, anything..To get a 'feed' or 'rush' of feelings..Affair withdrawal symptom.

 

I hope you ignore him. Again, WHO cares if he assumes. He knows why NC is in place, yes? Worry more about your H and what HE feels rather than the exMOM.

[pkn06002]

For those that say just ignore it, not her husband's or her problem if the OM can't deal with it. I find that interesting based on the amount of time you see posts telling WS and AP how they are just awful for not taking into account the spouses feelings. Yet you want this lady to turn around that dish out the same type of thing. I guess it is OK if you are one doing it and not the receiver huh?

 

inhindsight:

You need to close the door with something he KNOWS comes from you. You need to kill all hope that he can start things with you again. Your husband can not kill that hope only you can.

 

Figure out a way to respond that kills the hope without being cruel then block him and move on with your life.

[pkn06002]

MOM should KNOW she isn't interested due the fact the A is over and NC has been in place, that she hasn't broken NC. SILENCE is the key here.. It speaks volumes.

 

Honestly, he could be just fishing..For reaction, anything..To get a 'feed' or 'rush' of feelings..Affair withdrawal symptom.

 

I hope you ignore him. Again, WHO cares if he assumes. He knows why NC is in place, yes? Worry more about your H and what HE feels rather than the exMOM.

 

I have been on that side of the fence sorry but silence does NOTHING. Hope needs to be crushed or the thinking that hope for the future exists.

 

Again interesting how BS support treating people the way they complain about being treated.

[inhindsight]

thank you for your input everyone.

 

yes, I had full disclosure to H about the A, and I do plan on telling H about the text. I was going to call to tell him right away, but decided against it. I think it would be inconsiderate of me to tell him this most unpleasant news and then have him think about it and fester for several more hours. As loving and forgiving as he is, he still carries an enormous amount of hurt.

 

Based on a blend of your suggestions, I think I will wait til he gets home, show him the message, and ask him if it is alright for me to reply (in his presence). I will let him read my message before sending, and hopefully that will be the end of it.

 

I will not communicate to xMOM's W to tell her.... They need to work on their own issues and problems, and I certainly don't need to be a part of any of that anymore.

[eyeswide]

thank you for your input everyone.

 

yes, I had full disclosure to H about the A, and I do plan on telling H about the text. I was going to call to tell him right away, but decided against it. I think it would be inconsiderate of me to tell him this most unpleasant news and then have him think about it and fester for several more hours. As loving and forgiving as he is, he still carries an enormous amount of hurt.

 

Based on a blend of your suggestions, I think I will wait til he gets home, show him the message, and ask him if it is alright for me to reply (in his presence). I will let him read my message before sending, and hopefully that will be the end of it.

 

I will not communicate to xMOM's W to tell her.... They need to work on their own issues and problems, and I certainly don't need to be a part of any of that anymore.

 

I think your plan is sound. Don't be surprised if your husband's initial reaction is not quite even-tempered. Give him some time to deal with the emotions...know that you're going to have to just batten down the hatches and weather that and then try to get back to "so this is how I'd like to handle it -- will that work for you?"

 

Good luck, inhindsight. (Doesn't this all just suck??? What were we thinking????)

[PhoenixRise]

You are doing the right thing in disclosing the text to your husband. Hopefully he will be ok with you sending or resending? a NC letter to OM. He needs to know for sure that the door is closed to him and that there is no going back. You don't have to be nasty about it, just be firm.

 

Good luck.

[65tr6]

thank you for your input everyone.

 

yes, I had full disclosure to H about the A, and I do plan on telling H about the text. I was going to call to tell him right away, but decided against it. I think it would be inconsiderate of me to tell him this most unpleasant news and then have him think about it and fester for several more hours.

.

 

inhindsight, i thought your earlier post on why you did it was very honest and touching but your latest dithering here has totally taken me by surprise...You probably are still very much in the fog. How long has it been since the d-day ?

 

You must tell your husband immediately about the text.

 

It would not be inconsiderate of you to tell him the truth. Let me put it this way---if he finds out later that you purposely hid this from him, it will be a huge trigger for him.

 

Do it NOW (call him !) if you have not done so already.

 

Let your husband take over from this point on when it comes dealing with outsiders. He can do it even while he is grieving the loss of his marriage. Can your husband post here ? I have a tip or two for him.