xMOM just broke NC

[whichwayisup]

I'm really glad to hear you two have decided to stay in NC mode.

 

Now, get a sitter or drop the kids off at the grandparents house Friday or Saturday night so you and your H can have a 'date' night. Do something fun - Shoot pool, see a funny movie, and most of all, be close. Hold hands, be intimate, loving and show eachother love. Both of you need that right now..

[inhindsight]

Everything go okay? How are you feeling today? Thinking of you...

 

thanks eyeswide.... As you can read from above, everything went as well as one could hope. I think like 65 was saying in his situation, my H will need some time to get over that sting again.

 

I am still puffy-eyed from last night, and quite congested... but that could be from this cold that has taken over me today. But emotionally, I feel SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday, because there is no anxiety anymore in waiting to tell my H.

[Snowflower]

We had a very frank discussion, and he said it was like feeling all that hurt all over again, just when he felt we were finally moving into a new phase of our relationship. It was like taking 10 steps forward and moving back 9.

-snip-

We cried for some time, because it really did feel a lot like we were back at that same spot. But I think it will be okay, even though this morning I could see his eyes were still very sad.

 

All I know is that I feel just awful about the pain I caused, it was so very wrong, and to now feel the continuing repercussions... it just stings anew.

 

I know how your husband feels and this is perfectly normal...to feel like you have come so far in your healing and then to have something like this smack him back to almost the beginning. I think you are hurting too.

 

Just try to remember that each one of these backward phases is actually a step in the right direction. Yes, it hurts at the time-your husband was probably very upset, like you described. But really, you aren't in the same spot. You both have moved forward since the beginning of this crisis.

 

Give yourselves a little time to heal, to think, to talk-be close to each other, hold each other and soon you will both feel even stronger than you did before the call from the xOM. It is part of the healing process. I know when I feel like I am really going backward in my healing process (painful memories come up, a trigger or a reminder sets me off), I have learned that by going backward means I will soon be going forward again-to a stronger phase in my healing process.

 

Just give yourself and your husband a little time to heal again. It will be okay.

[eyeswide]

thanks eyeswide.... As you can read from above, everything went as well as one could hope. I think like 65 was saying in his situation, my H will need some time to get over that sting again.

 

I am still puffy-eyed from last night, and quite congested... but that could be from this cold that has taken over me today. But emotionally, I feel SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday, because there is no anxiety anymore in waiting to tell my H.

 

So glad to hear it. I think you handled it beautifully. I think he handled it well, too.

[NowhereToHide]

So glad to hear it. I think you handled it beautifully. I think he handled it well, too.

 

 

I second that.

[inhindsight]

Unbelievable - xMOM sent more messages. 3 in a row, all this morning.

first message: "I can't believe no reply."

next message: "fine, then. don't worry about me."

next message: "what a f*ing joke"

 

 

I have advised H that 3 more messages have come in, none which I will reply to. He is angry and irritated, but thinks we should continue NC. I agree. I am sure xMOM knows I will not be responding by now and will get the point.

 

Aside from that... I think I am okay. I actually think H is okay too. We will be discussing more tonight. I have to admit, I am a little annoyed by the swearing part. I am not big on swearing and find it pretty offensive. Doesn't matter if it is him, or my H, or someone on the street. I just find it rude beyond belief.

[Devil Inside]

Unbelievable - xMOM sent more messages. 3 in a row, all this morning.

first message: "I can't believe no reply."

next message: "fine, then. don't worry about me."

next message: "what a f*ing joke"

 

 

I have advised H that 3 more messages have come in, none which I will reply to. He is angry and irritated, but thinks we should continue NC. I agree. I am sure xMOM knows I will not be responding by now and will get the point.

 

Aside from that... I think I am okay. I actually think H is okay too. We will be discussing more tonight. I have to admit, I am a little annoyed by the swearing part. I am not big on swearing and find it pretty offensive. Doesn't matter if it is him, or my H, or someone on the street. I just find it rude beyond belief.

 

I continue to be impressed by how well you are handling this situation. Keep it up.

[pkn06002]

Unbelievable - xMOM sent more messages. 3 in a row, all this morning.

first message: "I can't believe no reply."

next message: "fine, then. don't worry about me."

next message: "what a f*ing joke"

 

 

I have advised H that 3 more messages have come in, none which I will reply to. He is angry and irritated, but thinks we should continue NC. I agree. I am sure xMOM knows I will not be responding by now and will get the point.

 

Aside from that... I think I am okay. I actually think H is okay too. We will be discussing more tonight. I have to admit, I am a little annoyed by the swearing part. I am not big on swearing and find it pretty offensive. Doesn't matter if it is him, or my H, or someone on the street. I just find it rude beyond belief.

 

Those are desperate messages to get a response, the ignoring is working.

[whichwayisup]

Unbelievable - xMOM sent more messages. 3 in a row, all this morning.

first message: "I can't believe no reply."

next message: "fine, then. don't worry about me."

next message: "what a f*ing joke"

 

 

I have advised H that 3 more messages have come in, none which I will reply to. He is angry and irritated, but thinks we should continue NC. I agree. I am sure xMOM knows I will not be responding by now and will get the point.

 

Aside from that... I think I am okay. I actually think H is okay too. We will be discussing more tonight. I have to admit, I am a little annoyed by the swearing part. I am not big on swearing and find it pretty offensive. Doesn't matter if it is him, or my H, or someone on the street. I just find it rude beyond belief.

 

Yes, he is and was fishing..For reaction.. He didn't get it, so he's pushing it even more. What a fool he is. Nice child-like reaction he had to you not responding.

 

Need to ask..Are these texts coming to your cell or instant message client? If it's your IM, delete the account and create a new one. Transfer all your contacts to the new account, let them know you have a new one. Exclude him from it ofcourse. There's no need to for you to keep receiving messages and reading them..

 

If it's your cell, try to get a new number. Yeh I know it's probably a pain to do, plus giving out your new number to everyone, but it'll be well worth it in the long run, plus it'll put your H's mind to peace that you've taken ALL measures to make sure exMM can't contact you anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Those are desperate messages to get a response, the ignoring is working.

So what? She owes him nothing. HE is fishing, nothing more. He's completely disrespecting the NC, and her silence is speaking volumes. Why after 7 months would he reach out to her? Knowing full well why NC was in place.. He's being selfish and doesn't care about her or her husband. Again, ignoring is the key here.. Someone said earlier, by responding, it gives exMM power - Power to know that HE has affected her and her H, enough to send a note back asking to please respect NC. It'll feed his ego, make him feel great that he caused reaction.. NC is NC.

[eyeswide]

Unbelievable - xMOM sent more messages. 3 in a row, all this morning.

first message: "I can't believe no reply."

next message: "fine, then. don't worry about me."

next message: "what a f*ing joke"

 

 

I have advised H that 3 more messages have come in, none which I will reply to. He is angry and irritated, but thinks we should continue NC. I agree. I am sure xMOM knows I will not be responding by now and will get the point.

 

Aside from that... I think I am okay. I actually think H is okay too. We will be discussing more tonight. I have to admit, I am a little annoyed by the swearing part. I am not big on swearing and find it pretty offensive. Doesn't matter if it is him, or my H, or someone on the street. I just find it rude beyond belief.

 

Sad. Sad that he seems to be handling his life like an adolescent...At least you have the satisfaction of knowing that you are handling yours like a grown-up.

 

Still proud of you and your H. He'll give it up eventually -- and if he doesn't, then maybe you SHOULD think of involving his spouse. I mean, seriously, if I were her, I'd want to KNOW about this cra...er, I mean "garbage".

[pkn06002]

So what? She owes him nothing. HE is fishing, nothing more. He's completely disrespecting the NC, and her silence is speaking volumes. Why after 7 months would he reach out to her? Knowing full well why NC was in place.. He's being selfish and doesn't care about her or her husband. Again, ignoring is the key here.. Someone said earlier, by responding, it gives exMM power - Power to know that HE has affected her and her H, enough to send a note back asking to please respect NC. It'll feed his ego, make him feel great that he caused reaction.. NC is NC.

 

Did I claim she owed him anything?

 

Those messages from the OM show his desperation, all the OP has to do is ignore him and he will go away.

[Devil Inside]

So what? She owes him nothing. HE is fishing, nothing more. He's completely disrespecting the NC, and her silence is speaking volumes. Why after 7 months would he reach out to her? Knowing full well why NC was in place.. He's being selfish and doesn't care about her or her husband. Again, ignoring is the key here.. Someone said earlier, by responding, it gives exMM power - Power to know that HE has affected her and her H, enough to send a note back asking to please respect NC. It'll feed his ego, make him feel great that he caused reaction.. NC is NC.

 

 

Ummm..I think he was agreeing with what you just said...I'm confused.

[inhindsight]

Sad. Sad that he seems to be handling his life like an adolescent...At least you have the satisfaction of knowing that you are handling yours like a grown-up.

 

Still proud of you and your H. He'll give it up eventually -- and if he doesn't, then maybe you SHOULD think of involving his spouse. I mean, seriously, if I were her, I'd want to KNOW about this cra...er, I mean "garbage".

 

 

LOL, I don't mind the word CRAP!!! I think it's mainly the f-word directed at anyone that I find offensive!

 

Thanks everyone for the support.... I know he is fishing. And quite honestly, it makes me feel sorry that he obviously not learnt his lessons (he is a serial cheater) and truly recognized how much damage he has caused in his life by cheating.

 

I don't know about involving his W. She has in the last 10 months sent me random messages blaming me for everything. The last message was 3 mos. ago, saying, "thanks for your part in ruining a good marriage" etc., and that my "Tweets" are pathetic. Which kind of discomfitted me, as this means she is watching my updates on Twitter. If I were to advise her that xMOM has been contacting me, there is no doubt in my mind she will think I have invited it somehow.

 

I suppose if he continues to message, I may need to revisit the idea of letting his W know.

 

As for the msgs, they are indeed texts. I did have him removed from my BlackBerry IM service, and I changed my device so as to obtain a new PIN identity, but my number was NOT changed. I really wrestle with this, as I have had this number for 5 yrs and my clients know this number. I guess if it continues, I will have to look into this as well.

 

Thanks everyone. I will keep you posted.

[samprez]

I've been following this thread and as a xMOM I found this topic particularly interesting. Here is this couple, the affair partners who have had a relationship of some depth and the man whom had I assume real feelings for the woman, reaches out and says something along the lines of "I miss you." The MW in this case, who has made the choice to return to her marriage and commit to the man she cheated on for however long, agonizes over this text message and ultimately follows the advice offered here and shares the messages with her H who of course has a difficult time dealing with this, and they are thrown back into some of the pain they felt when D-Day occured.

 

Here's my question to the MW. And those of you who know me, know I'm the xMOM in my situation.

 

What did you expect? Did you expect rationally that the xMOM whom may have even said he loved you, believed that, was simply going to have to manage the end of the affair in a manner that you deamed mature and appropriate?

 

My position has always been that once you open this can of worms, and baby, mine is wide open, there is very little that either AP can expect of either each other or others involved. The irony is that despite the full disclosure of the affair with the spouse, the former AP still likely has feelings, is confused and is mourning the loss of the relationship.

 

A lot of posters here then advise people to right away disclose to the spouse that the text or message has arrived. Share in the response and then deal with the aftermath. Sorry, but my position is that the WS has to weigh the factors, mitigate the pain and deal on her own to some degree with the dishonor that has become her. I'm in the same boat, so I get it.

 

I feel for the husband here because he gets a gut punch again, and it's not the fault of the OM, it's the fault of the WS, his own wife. She created this situation by allowing the affair to occur (again, I'm that guy too) and has to live with the consquences.

 

I suspect that alot of the BS that post out here have a hard time understanding that in a number of cases, real love or emotion is generated between the AP's and that it's hard to let go of those feelings. The expectation of mature behavior from two people who have already demonstrated such poor decision making and behavior is silly in my opinion.

 

To the poster, if you ever exchanged real words of love or emotion with your xMOM; and I don't know how it ended, expect that perhaps he's dealing with a set of issues you can't see into. Compassion would have been my recommendation. I have very little compassion for you or me, if this were to occur, I have zero expectations of decorum from my xMW. I am always prepared for the unexpected.

 

Also, the concept of owing him anything. I think we do. If my xMW gets divorced or has her life further altered by my affair with her, I feel I owe her a helluva lot. I was the other dude. I feel very guilty about a myriad of things; including my intrusion on her family; not her, her family.

 

I am not wired to turn my back on people; particularly people I proclaimed to care about. I think as I've gone through this, that many of the POV's out here are filtered by the desire to extract ourselves from ownership or responsibility for what we've done. I owe her and her husband a lot of things; compassion being one of them.

Edited October 10, 2009 by samprez

[inhindsight]

I've been following this thread and as a xMOM I found this topic particularly interesting. Here is this couple, the affair partners who have had a relationship of some depth and the man whom had I assume real feelings for the woman, reaches out and says something along the lines of "I miss you." The MW in this case, who has made the choice to return to her marriage and commit to the man she cheated on for however long, agonizes over this text message and ultimately follows the advice offered here and shares the messages with her H who of course has a difficult time dealing with this, and they are thrown back into some of the pain they felt when D-Day occured.

 

Here's my question to the MW. And those of you who know me, know I'm the xMOM in my situation.

 

What did you expect? Did you expect rationally that the xMOM whom may have even said he loved you, believed that, was simply going to have to manage the end of the affair in a manner that you deamed mature and appropriate?

 

My position has always been that once you open this can of worms, and baby, mine is wide open, there is very little that either AP can expect of either each other or others involved. The irony is that despite the full disclosure of the affair with the spouse, the former AP still likely has feelings, is confused and is mourning the loss of the relationship.

 

A lot of posters here then advise people to right away disclose to the spouse that the text or message has arrived. Share in the response and then deal with the aftermath. Sorry, but my position is that the WS has to weigh the factors, mitigate the pain and deal on her own to some degree with the dishonor that has become her. I'm in the same boat, so I get it.

 

I feel for the husband here because he gets a gut punch again, and it's not the fault of the OM, it's the fault of the WS, his own wife. She created this situation by allowing the affair to occur (again, I'm that guy too) and has to live with the consquences.

 

I suspect that alot of the BS that post out here have a hard time understanding that in a number of cases, real love or emotion is generated between the AP's and that it's hard to let go of those feelings. The expectation of mature behavior from two people who have already demonstrated such poor decision making and behavior is silly in my opinion.

 

To the poster, if you ever exchanged real words of love or emotion with your xMOM; and I don't know how it ended, expect that perhaps he's dealing with a set of issues you can't see into. Compassion would have been my recommendation. I have very little compassion for you or me, if this were to occur, I have zero expectations of decorum from my xMW. I am always prepared for the unexpected.

 

Also, the concept of owing him anything. I think we do. If my xMW gets divorced or has her life further altered by my affair with her, I feel I owe her a helluva lot. I was the other dude. I feel very guilty about a myriad of things; including my intrusion on her family; not her, her family.

 

I am not wired to turn my back on people; particularly people I proclaimed to care about. I think as I've gone through this, that many of the POV's out here are filtered by the desire to extract ourselves from ownership or responsibility for what we've done. I owe her and her husband a lot of things; compassion being one of them.

 

 

samprez - thanks for your thoughts. I just want to make a couple comments to clarify for you some of my thoughts on this whole situation.

 

When we ended our A, I certainly was not naive to the fact that there would be repercussions to this whole debacle, INCLUDING the fact that the xMOM may contact me further. In fact, when we ended it, we said we would stay away, but he would consistently send me messages. I acquiesced and decided perhaps we could stay friends (we had been friends for 4 years prior to this).... but it didn't work, so I cut it off. Then again after that, we re-established contact, and AGAIN that failed because you are correct, there WERE still feelings there. BUt I had already decided that I was going to repair my relationship with my husband. I HAD to remain true to that, which mean NC. Anything otherwise was NOT AN OPTION if either of us, particularly ME, was to move on in my life and get over our relationship. NC has been established for 7 mos.

 

I thought perhaps he had moved on, and gladly, as I AM moving on with my H, and things are MUCH BETTER. There is lingering pain, and there is a lot to rebuild. But I have discovered things about myself and my husband in this process that NEVER would have come to light had I continued with my ways.

 

I know loss - and yes, it was a loss. But I am not pining over this. It is a DEATH to me. I had to cut off that part of my life in order for the rest of my life to survive. If this means "phantom pain" or whatever, then so be it. I knew this wouldn't be an easy process, I don't think anyone is stupid enough to think it's so easy.

 

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse - for not only hurting my husband and family, but also xMOM's family.

 

The ONLY compassion I could have shown his family is to continue to stay away. I don't see how reconnecting on any level could possibly help this man to move on from that chapter of our lives. In addition, this would require telling my H I had responded to him.

 

You see, part of my full disclosure was not only to allow my husband the right to his decision to CHOOSE to forgive a cheating wife, but also so I could begin my life as an HONEST person. I could seriously not live with the bloody lying, deception, dishonesty and the stress of trying to hide it all. It was at the breakpoint for me.

 

From that day forward, I have lived a clean honest life, and let me tell you - it feels damn good to not have to try to cover my tracks and figure out if husband might find out this or that. It just feels so much better.

 

Did I ever love this AP? I think I did. My feelings were very intense and deep - but I am not stupid to the fact that this "love" was based only on "good times" - not real life. Sometimes loving someone means LETTING THEM GO, and that is what I did.

 

You may be right that BS or WS will respond differently due to differing perspectives - but I think you will find that most WS will agree that once NC is established - it is and should remain final. Whether or not you loved that person or not.

 

ETA: Also, telling my H about any contact from xMOM was part of the agreement I made with him when he decided to stay with me after. Dishonoring that was not an option. My H felt that punch alright, but I think the reason he dealt with it so well was because he KNEW he had wanted to know about future contact, and by me telling him, it proved to him that I was willing to be transparent with him.

Edited October 11, 2009 by inhindsight

[65tr6]

My position has always been that once you open this can of worms, and baby, mine is wide open, there is very little that either AP can expect of either each other or others involved. The irony is that despite the full disclosure of the affair with the spouse, the former AP still likely has feelings, is confused and is mourning the loss of the relationship.

 

I agree even though I am not the OM but instead a BH but yes I can empathize and continue to learn to emphathize.

 

I feel for the husband here because he gets a gut punch again, and it's not the fault of the OM, it's the fault of the WS, his own wife. She created this situation by allowing the affair to occur (again, I'm that guy too) and has to live with the consquences.

 

That is why it is so critical that.....

 

1) the WW sends a NC letter to the OM

2) and continues to maintain NC for life....no matter what the outcome is

 

Despite that if the OM contacts the WW then yes, it is then the fault of the OM not the WW. Agree ?

 

If the OM contacts her again, then WW shares that with her husband.

 

I suspect that alot of the BS that post out here have a hard time understanding that in a number of cases, real love or emotion is generated between the AP's and that it's hard to let go of those feelings. The expectation of mature behavior from two people who have already demonstrated such poor decision making and behavior is silly in my opinion.

 

Very solid point. But no, I did not have hard time understanding that it was real love or real emotions. It was no joking matter. However, it's time to "mature up", man up. The show is over. The affair ended. The illusion ended. Back to reality.

 

I am not wired to turn my back on people; particularly people I proclaimed to care about. I think as I've gone through this, that many of the POV's out here are filtered by the desire to extract ourselves from ownership or responsibility for what we've done. I owe her and her husband a lot of things; compassion being one of them..

 

I hope you really mean what you said. If people really cared about other people then they will do what they can to fix it. I dont think I am looking for compassion from OM. I just want him to man up and shake himself into reality. But you are right, if I were the OM, I would owe OW and her husband a lot of things....It is easy for me to say that now that I am a BH, you don't have to believe me and that is ok.

[samprez]

65 and Inhindsight...

 

I hear what you are both saying, and I agree with most of it. Here's my conflict. The reality is that I just don't think there is a statue of limitations on the emotions, damage or feeling associated with these relationships. The ending of them, the dangling and holding on; are all part of the equation that can lead to some deep seeded anger, frustration and resentment.

 

I find it ironic that one of the key defense mechanisms is that the reunited spouses then become a front against the offending NC-AP who broke the silence. As if that person is somehow more wrong for their feelings and their ability to deal with them. It doesn't make Inhindsight more mature or right because she returned to her marriage. She could have feared losing her financial standing, her children or a million other things, but still brought this to her marriage. Thus my point about the can of worms.

 

How would Inhindsight react if the OM's marriage ends as a direct result of the affair? What accountability does she have to the enduring results that could be the affect of her poor decision making?

 

I have sympathy for the OM here because he sounds sad, confused and frustrated. Someone; no matter the circumstances, told him they loved him, likely complained about her husband. Sought a better solution and behaved in a manner that belied her committment to her marriage. He really does miss her, really feels sad and his anger in his response to her NC text response is expected, he's hurt.

 

I get all of the logic and reasoning but just feel like once you cross the line, you lose control of your own situation. Inhindsight, you're lucky like me that our spouses really love us the way they do. Because I wouldn't have been so forgiving. But I see the hurt in my wife's eyes all the time, she doesn't know that I can tell.

 

I have given up the expectation that I have control in this situation, and do my best to move on.

 

If given the chance, I would absolutely talk to the husband of my OW; give him all the time he wants..for me that would be manning up. My self created problem and my responsibility to fix. Not my wife's.

Edited October 12, 2009 by samprez

[confusedinkansas]

Maybe this is something none of us can understand or explain...BUT....

If he is "Blaming" you for ruining a perfectly happy marriage ~ & NOW he has broken NC - WTF is that about? Last time I checked it took TWO to Tango!!

I've been exactly where you are & I did exactly what you're doing right now. Ignoring him in the hopes that he goes away. For me. IT WORKED! I hope it works for you.

I'm with the others here - You are totally doing the right thing for now. But if it escalates....Well, then you & your husband need to join forces & take greater action. Because I'd think that if he is trying to repair his marriage & he continues to contact you - it may be time to involve his wife. (which on any other account I am totally against) You are the one with the proof that he's contacting you - Not him.

[eyeswide]

65 and Inhindsight...

 

I find it ironic that one of the key defense mechanisms is that the reunited spouses then become a front against the offending NC-AP who broke the silence. As if that person is somehow more wrong for their feelings and their ability to deal with them. It doesn't make Inhindsight more mature or right because she returned to her marriage. She could have feared losing her financial standing, her children or a million other things, but still brought this to her marriage. Thus my point about the can of worms.

 

 

Samprez, I understand and agree with much of what you are saying. I think you are specifically referring to my description of his behavior as immature. I specifically refer to his texts:

first message: "I can't believe no reply."

next message: "fine, then. don't worry about me."

next message: "what a f*ing joke"

 

"fine then. don't worry about me" falls into the classically adolescent manipulation category, in my book. We all know what the message behind that one is, don't we? And it's one that I have to say I relied heavily on at age 16. When I have pulled it out as an attention-getting strategy in my adult years, I have had to always turn around and apologize for behaving immaturely.

 

I don't think it is immature of the xMOM to be feeling these things. It is immature of him to be behaving as he is doing and I feel right sorry for his W right now.

[FreezorBurn]

I think you should acknowledge it, .

 

Sorry Athena you provide good advice but I don't agree. NO NO NO. do not entertain his request at all... Ignore it. and over time he will go away.

 

He is a guy and Any responce no matter if it is negative will be to him, a success! this will creat a chip in the NC wall and he'll work with that to try and restablish any kind of comunication with you.

 

Ignore and move on. If you can't ignore then have your husband call him. If your honest with your huisband you should tell him this.

[scatterd]

SAPREZ It sounds to me that you must be in contact with your AP maybe not.But if my husband was I would get out that would show me alot.NC is showing respect to the S also.Why stay IC what does that solve besides stroking the OP it seems to me the one that needs Stroking is the one thats been married to you.After all thats the one that desided they loved you enough to forgive you.