xMOM just broke NC

[pkn06002]

Let your husband take over from this point on when it comes dealing with outsiders. He can do it even while he is grieving the loss of his marriage. Can your husband post here ? I have a tip or two for him.

 

Not to be rude but from being the OM NOTHING the husband would've sent me, said or done would've made a lick of difference. Not until the OW said there was no hope did I let go.

 

I am not talking about the immediate future either but months if not years later. If SHE does not kill hope this guy will always feel there is hope and may contact her later after the husband heals. Now tell me what type of trigger that would be.

[eyeswide]

inhindsight, i thought your earlier post on why you did it was very honest and touching but your latest dithering here has totally taken me by surprise...You probably are still very much in the fog. How long has it been since the d-day ?

 

You must tell your husband immediately about the text.

 

It would not be inconsiderate of you to tell him the truth. Let me put it this way---if he finds out later that you purposely hid this from him, it will be a huge trigger for him.

 

Do it NOW (call him !) if you have not done so already.

 

Let your husband take over from this point on when it comes dealing with outsiders. He can do it even while he is grieving the loss of his marriage. Can your husband post here ? I have a tip or two for him.

 

65, read closely -- I think she's saying that she's not going to tell him now while she's at work (I assume) and can't be with him while he processes this info.

 

I think it's actually good to just wait until they're together at home. If I told my H something like this while he was at work he would just stew or worse...

 

I don't think inhindsight is acting "foggy" at all here...

[confusedinkansas]

My X Affair Partner & I broke NC so many times I couldn't keep track before total NC. (1 year)

Then after seeing each other again (totally by accident) we both broke the NC yet one more time.

After adding another year on to the affair I went NC. Totally. He had a girlfriend & by then my husband & I had been thru hell & were trying to work things out.

After 4 successful months I received a random text message from him. I ignored it. Another one arrived a month later, I ignored it.

He has finally gotten the point & it's been 6 months now since I've heard anything.

So, for whatever it's worth - I'd ignore it - BUT as many have said here, mention it to your husband. It just helps keep the lines of communication open.

[inhindsight]

I think your plan is sound. Don't be surprised if your husband's initial reaction is not quite even-tempered. Give him some time to deal with the emotions...know that you're going to have to just batten down the hatches and weather that and then try to get back to "so this is how I'd like to handle it -- will that work for you?"

 

must admit, I am NOT looking forward to having to let him know about the text, but this is all part of the recovery process, I guess. I know it will be painful, I am not looking forward to seeing his eyes full of pain.

 

Good luck, inhindsight. (Doesn't this all just suck??? What were we thinking????)

 

We WEREN'T thinking... at our H's expenses.... If we could give ANYTHING for a D-O (do-over)....

[boldjack]

What ever you do, OP. TELL YOUR HUSBAND, FIRST!!! Then discus your response, or NC.

[inhindsight]

inhindsight, i thought your earlier post on why you did it was very honest and touching but your latest dithering here has totally taken me by surprise...You probably are still very much in the fog. How long has it been since the d-day ?

 

You must tell your husband immediately about the text.

 

It would not be inconsiderate of you to tell him the truth. Let me put it this way---if he finds out later that you purposely hid this from him, it will be a huge trigger for him.

 

Do it NOW (call him !) if you have not done so already.

 

Let your husband take over from this point on when it comes dealing with outsiders. He can do it even while he is grieving the loss of his marriage. Can your husband post here ? I have a tip or two for him.

 

Hi 65 - I should clarify, I have full intentions of telling my H about the text - when he gets home from work. I have no intentions of concealing the truth at all. I just am waiting a few hours. My H has a critical business presentation this afternoon. As much as he needs to know, I will not do so at the expense of him having a horrible presentation, thereby reflecting poorly on his company and himself. I am sure, that given these reasons, he will NOT be upset with me as to why I delayed telling him.

 

And indeed, I intend to let my H participate on how to direct the outcome of this by asking 1) if I should respond, and if yes then 2) what to say.

 

I don't intend to keep him out of this situation at all.

Edited October 5, 2009 by inhindsight
ETA: grammar!

[confusedinkansas]

That is a perfect way to handle this situation.

Don't you think he'll appreciate your being up front with him & letting him give you a little guidence on what to do & how to handle this other guy?

 

When I told my husband of my X breaking NC - he was a bit peo-d - BUT, it didn't ruin our evening. (I waited until after work & we were both home)He asked me what I intended to do. I merely said "Ignore it, he'll eventually go away"

[whichwayisup]

And indeed, I intend to let my H participate on how to direct the outcome of this by asking 1) if I should respond, and if yes then 2) what to say.

 

Question, will you be OK and accept what your H wants to do? What if he feels staying in NC mode and ignoring exMOM is the best choice.. Especially since I'm pretty sure the xMOM knows why NC is happening in the first place. The guy isn't stupid.. I mean, how long has it been since NC was enforced before he chose to contact you today?

[inhindsight]

Question, will you be OK and accept what your H wants to do? What if he feels staying in NC mode and ignoring exMOM is the best choice.. Especially since I'm pretty sure the xMOM knows why NC is happening in the first place. The guy isn't stupid.. I mean, how long has it been since NC was enforced before he chose to contact you today?

 

 

Yes, I would be fine with whatever my H wants, including remaining in NC mode. It is important to me that I continue to demonstrate my commitment to rebuilding, each and every day, and in however will make him feel secure.

 

It has now been nearly 7 months since last contact, and that time was to instate NC- no phone calls, no text, no emails, nothing. In previous postings I mentioned that we had been involved for almost a year, and then D Day occured about 10 mos ago. NC was attempted at that time, but failed a couple times. It took a while to get there, but when I laid down the law of NC - no ifs ands or buts - all contact stopped. I made it clear that I was choosing to repair my broken relationship with my H, and even if H and I could never recover, that I would never be able to break NC, as he was a part of my PAST.

 

I still feel this way.

[pkn06002]

Oh you already gave the nope hope message, just stay NC and ignore him.

[Athena]

Yes, I would be fine with whatever my H wants, including remaining in NC mode. It is important to me that I continue to demonstrate my commitment to rebuilding, each and every day, and in however will make him feel secure.

 

It has now been nearly 7 months since last contact, and that time was to instate NC- no phone calls, no text, no emails, nothing. In previous postings I mentioned that we had been involved for almost a year, and then D Day occured about 10 mos ago. NC was attempted at that time, but failed a couple times. It took a while to get there, but when I laid down the law of NC - no ifs ands or buts - all contact stopped. I made it clear that I was choosing to repair my broken relationship with my H, and even if H and I could never recover, that I would never be able to break NC, as he was a part of my PAST.

 

I still feel this way.

 

After reading this above additional information, I agree you can continue with NC and he should get the message. I assumed it was more recently established, than 7 mths, and didn't know about the previous failed attempts at NC! This info changes my advice to this: continue NC, I am sure he can handle it after all these months.

[inhindsight]

I shouldn't assume that people know my whole story just cuz I've posted other details in another thread!! My mistake.

 

Okay, well, I will still proceed with my plan as laid out. I'm sure H will agree (after erupting in a rage against xMM) that maintaining NC is the swiftest way to end it.

 

Thanks all for your advice, and I will let you know if anything further arises on this front.

[whichwayisup]

It has now been nearly 7 months since last contact, and that time was to instate NC- no phone calls, no text, no emails, nothing.

 

After 7 months of NC, he is fishing, waiting to see if you'll take the bait, react.. So there's no need to respond.. Your silence will say it all.

[seibert253]

She should wait, talk to her H first, before replying. If she includes her H first, it'll show him that she is working hard to regain his trust.. To take matters into her own hands and then discuss it with her H later, might infact be worse in the long run.

 

Yes, H should have some input in her response. Will really show his W is committed to him and respects his opinion.

[65tr6]

NOTHING the husband would've sent me, said or done would've made a lick of difference. Not until the OW said there was no hope did I let go..

 

pkn, no you are not being rude.

 

My wife was contacted by the OM after several months. I sent a very stinging email to him (stuck to the facts and was very short). Not judgemental at all.

 

First of all, OP should NEVER contact OM for rest of her life. Next, if there are any attempts on the part of OM to contact her, then she needs to get help...who else better than her own dear husband ?

 

A note from her husband will bring the OM to reality, shame, remorse (hopefully). Hopefully it will shake him out of narcissitic mentality. That he is acting immatured and it is time for him leave other married women alone ! If the note from her husband does not do a thing, then I dont know what does.

 

Are you saying if the husband of the married woman that you have been screwing around contacted you saying "leave my wife alone or else face consequences" wont do a thing to you ? Really ?

[65tr6]

I don't think inhindsight is acting "foggy" at all here...

 

I said foggy because she is hesitant. Does not mean she is not willing. She is just not sure. In fact I truely admire what OP is doing/has done so far. She needs help when she is not sure.

 

I know she said she will tell her husband when he he is home but matters like this should not wait....

[65tr6]

I just am waiting a few hours. My H has a critical business presentation this afternoon. As much as he needs to know, I will not do so at the expense of him having a horrible presentation, thereby reflecting poorly on his company and himself.

 

inhingsight, that is fine. Use your best judgement and let him know as soon as you can. Don't delay is what I was pointing out.

 

The OM in our case contacted almost at the same time as in your case. We are about one year into our recovery. I asked my wife yesterday what would she do if she was contacted again, she said she will let me know immediately. I didnt expect anything less. Just so you know, it was horrible for me going through the triggers all over again when the OM contacted my wife but it was nothing like the d-day. Took me a week to recover (lol) but boy did i come out so much stronger or what. Hopefully that will be the case for your husband.

 

In highsight, yes you should have changed your phone, email to prevent such contact. I don't know if you have done that already or not.

 

You can do this. It is not pretty. If you are determined and stay on course, OM becomes insignificant. But remember any attempts to further destroy your delicate recovery should be dealt decisively. NOT ignored !

[pkn06002]

pkn, no you are not being rude.

 

My wife was contacted by the OM after several months. I sent a very stinging email to him (stuck to the facts and was very short). Not judgemental at all.

 

First of all, OP should NEVER contact OM for rest of her life. Next, if there are any attempts on the part of OM to contact her, then she needs to get help...who else better than her own dear husband ?

 

A note from her husband will bring the OM to reality, shame, remorse (hopefully). Hopefully it will shake him out of narcissitic mentality. That he is acting immatured and it is time for him leave other married women alone ! If the note from her husband does not do a thing, then I dont know what does.

 

Are you saying if the husband of the married woman that you have been screwing around contacted you saying "leave my wife alone or else face consequences" wont do a thing to you ? Really ?

 

I understand where you are coming from, I just disagree with it. For this following.

 

First just a pet peeve leave off the word narcissistic most WS/AP do not fit the definitions. You are only using it as an insult.

 

A note from the husband makes the issue between the OM and the Husband which just becomes a male pissing contest. NO note or contact from the husband will put reality, shame, remorse or anything into the OM. You are overly optimistic about the effects a husband can have when contacting the OM. The husband contacting the OM can just make the whole thing into a open competition.

 

In my case the husband did contact me, it became a pissing contest. One I was not going to back down from. He is used to bullying people and I am one person that responses poorly to that method. Now I will say I am an aggressive person which does shape my view/response on this. Not until my xOW gave me no hope did I quit trying to contact her. If her husband had threatened me like I have read some BS do, that would've gotten very very ugly.

 

That is why I say the WS has to send a clear message of no hope. That is the only way the AP will go away for sure. I do agree the WS should get assistance from their spouse but the BS should not be the one sending the message. I can agree with the idea the BS "approves" the message but it should not be directly from them for the reasons I list above.

 

I know the view of this is different from a AP point of view vs. the BS. All I can tell you is what made me finally give up, it was not contact from the BS.

[65tr6]

First just a pet peeve leave off the word narcissistic most WS/AP do not fit the definitions. You are only using it as an insult. .

 

I apologize if it came out as an insult. So you dont agree that APs affair with a married woman is an extreme form of selfishness (bordering on narcissim) ? Just an honest question.

 

Let me just say if I had an affair with a married woman (and/or who had kids), and then the affair came out in the open, and I made futile attempts to reconnect with married woman and I was sent a note by the husband asking me to stay away....I would more than likely STAY AWAY. Or may even get help. That is just me.

 

Let's say she/her husband do ignore, what if the OM contacts her again in say six months from now ? When do you say enough is enough ?

[Devil Inside]

thank you for your input everyone.

 

yes, I had full disclosure to H about the A, and I do plan on telling H about the text. I was going to call to tell him right away, but decided against it. I think it would be inconsiderate of me to tell him this most unpleasant news and then have him think about it and fester for several more hours. As loving and forgiving as he is, he still carries an enormous amount of hurt.

 

Based on a blend of your suggestions, I think I will wait til he gets home, show him the message, and ask him if it is alright for me to reply (in his presence). I will let him read my message before sending, and hopefully that will be the end of it.

 

I will not communicate to xMOM's W to tell her.... They need to work on their own issues and problems, and I certainly don't need to be a part of any of that anymore.

 

I think your solution here is awesome. It takes into account your priority of the marriage while still using kindness with the xMOM. Kudos.

[pkn06002]

I apologize if it came out as an insult. So you dont agree that APs affair with a married woman is an extreme form of selfishness (bordering on narcissim) ? Just an honest question.

 

Let me just say if I had an affair with a married woman (and/or who had kids), and then the affair came out in the open, and I made futile attempts to reconnect with married woman and I was sent a note by the husband asking me to stay away....I would more than likely STAY AWAY. Or may even get help. That is just me.

 

Let's say she/her husband do ignore, what if the OM contacts her again in say six months from now ? When do you say enough is enough ?

 

No I do not find and affair with a married woman to be an extreme form of selfishness bordering on narcissism. I am not sure the difference is something I can explain to you, I will make an attempt though. Selfish to a point but like JamesM has described well in other threads the affair becomes an escape and a way to cope. So the term narcissist I feel does not apply. Now to some WS it does but the term is over used here. In my view the people that use it the most use it as an insult.

 

You just made a good point dealing with the AP is different in each case, there is no one size fits all solution. In your case you feel the husband contacting you would effect you(your speculating though), I know in my case it is the opposite. The only person that can effect me is the person I had the relationship with.

 

In the case of the OP, the no hope message has already been sent out. So just continue to ignore it. She has told her husband shown that she wants trust the outside influence should just be noise.

 

Question for you what is the husband going to threaten???

What a restraining order on what grounds?

Beat him up, is he capable of that action?

Tell the OM's wife? What if he does not care or is single?

You push someone enough you do not know the possible outcome of your threats.

 

I understand the desire to "claim" what is yours but we are not 15 year olds fighting in the parking lot over a date. The best way to "claim" what is yours is to deal with your marriage not the outside guy. You have the object of affection that is dealing with it enough. Anything else just escalates the issue and makes a pissing contest that can and has in some cases escalated out of control.

 

The xOM is only a problem if you allow him to be one.

 

You really want to hurt the guy have the wife send something like the following.

 

"<Fill in name> I am sorry if you got hurt by how this all ended but if there was a chance to fix things in my marriage I had to take it. I am SO GLAD that I did because things are working out really well and I am happy.

 

Take care of yourself"

 

To the husband that may sound like the wife cares about and is coddling the OM, but the OM will read that differently.

Edited October 6, 2009 by pkn06002

[eyeswide]

Everything go okay? How are you feeling today? Thinking of you...

[Devil Inside]

No I do not find and affair with a married woman to be an extreme form of selfishness bordering on narcissism. I am not sure the difference is something I can explain to you, I will make an attempt though. Selfish to a point but like JamesM has described well in other threads the affair becomes an escape and a way to cope. So the term narcissist I feel does not apply. Now to some WS it does but the term is over used here. In my view the people that use it the most use it as an insult.

 

I agree with you that the term narcissist is thrown around here as an insult by some people. However some people actually have spouses with that diagnosis...so they are coming from an informed point of view.

 

As for narcissism being different from a form or escape or how to cope...that is actually exactly what it is...a defensive mechanism...self idealization. Perhaps what you are thinking of is Narcissistic Personality Disorder...which stems from defense mechanisms but then becomes a worldview.

 

Most dysfunctional behaviors are really forms of coping and escaping. This does not make them right...but it gives insight into how to deal with them.

 

There is a narcissist thread in the OW forum that may interest you.

[inhindsight]

Hi Everyone

 

Thanks for all your suggestions and support. I do appreciate it. I wanted to give an update on everything.

 

H came home from work last night, and after putting our child to bed, I sat with him on the couch and said, "I'm really very sorry to have to bring this up, and I want to apologize for delaying in telling you, but I didn't want to unfocus you for your presentation today, and I also wanted to wait until after (child) went to bed, so we could discuss this uninterrupted."

 

Of course he looked quite anxious after me saying all this, and I just cut to the chase and advised him that xMOM had contacted me via text msg earlier that day. I pulled out my blackberry and showed him the message. He was very silent for about 2 minutes, and then asked me if I had responded. I told him no, I hadn't, that I wanted to show him the message, and I was not interested in reciprocating contact. It was awful though, I could see the hurt bubbling up all over again in his eyes, and he stood up and walked around the house for awhile, and when he came back I could see he was angry. Not at me, but at the whole situation.

 

We had a very frank discussion, and he said it was like feeling all that hurt all over again, just when he felt we were finally moving into a new phase of our relationship. It was like taking 10 steps forward and moving back 9. And he wanted to say a whole bunch of things to this OM, and rip him a new one. We formed a joint reply basically saying that I was replying in the presence of H, and this was the only time I'd ever respond, which was to say please leave us alone. Further communication was forbidden and would not be acknowledged...... But just before we were going to send it, H changed his mind and said he felt it would be best if we did NOT respond, as it would be giving xMOM what he wanted, which is basically acknowledging that he exists, and the last thing he wanted to do was give this OM any acknowledgment. So we wound up not replying, which I think is for the best.

 

We cried for some time, because it really did feel a lot like we were back at that same spot. But I think it will be okay, even though this morning I could see his eyes were still very sad.

 

All I know is that I feel just awful about the pain I caused, it was so very wrong, and to now feel the continuing repercussions... it just stings anew.

[inhindsight]

inhingsight, that is fine. Use your best judgement and let him know as soon as you can. Don't delay is what I was pointing out.

 

The OM in our case contacted almost at the same time as in your case. We are about one year into our recovery. I asked my wife yesterday what would she do if she was contacted again, she said she will let me know immediately. I didnt expect anything less. Just so you know, it was horrible for me going through the triggers all over again when the OM contacted my wife but it was nothing like the d-day. Took me a week to recover (lol) but boy did i come out so much stronger or what. Hopefully that will be the case for your husband.

 

In highsight, yes you should have changed your phone, email to prevent such contact. I don't know if you have done that already or not.

 

You can do this. It is not pretty. If you are determined and stay on course, OM becomes insignificant. But remember any attempts to further destroy your delicate recovery should be dealt decisively. NOT ignored !

 

 

Hi 65r

I have disabled the free hotmail email account we had used previously to send email to one another. So that is gone. my home email I have also changed to prohibit contact further. Unfortunately, my cell number is my business number and it would be very hard for me to change that. I have numerous clients and contacts who now know this number off by heart... I did think about cancelling and changing the number, but I do think it would be very detrimental to my business. It never became an issue until yesterday when he contacted me. Which I'm hoping he doesn't do ever again.