Hes been living 2 lives all this time...

[dazedandconfused2008]

I been separated for a year....with being on and off again a year prior to that. We had a pretty decent marriage for the most part before all this. We have 6 kids together oldest being 16 years old and youngest 9 months. The past couple years have been really really hard on me and the kids. He doesnt work anymore (chooses to sell drugs for a living), he continuously sleeps around (why we split up), and is starting to live like a bum and is becoming an alcoholic if he isnt already by now. This whole time i hear how sorry he is and doesnt know why he cant stop...tells me he loves me and kids and wants back but i wont take him back...and despite everything i always feel sorry for him and have kept him in my life in some ways. No matter what i do or dont do its just getting worse. couple weeks ago we got into argument about this girl hes been seeing for the past year and she supposedly just had his baby and i heard he is still seeing her. Should i be surprised? No but a part of me was probably denying it because i wanted to believe that he really did love me and my kids and wanted back. I feel like such a fool and i know better....but i am still so emotionally attached to him (been together since we were teenagers and were 35 now) and its been really hard letting him go. Anyways, during this fight it got physical and i called the cops on him and i got a protection order against him. Now physically he cant come around me but i am still suffering emotionally. He is back with that girl and i have to and need to leave him but its hurting so bad right now and i guess i just feel so bad and alone right now. Why am i such a wimp and trying to hang onto something so bad for me and my kids? Those dreams and wants of having that family are gone but its hard to take. I dont want to hear about anymore legal stuff or about child support from anyone because i know all that already...took care of that. I need help dealing with this horrible pain im going thru. Its like standing there and watching him screw a girl right in front of me. Thats the closest i can describe it. It would be just nice to hear from someone thats been there and is getting thru it or something so i know that i too will one day have something to look forward to. Please and thank you.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Ps. The only thing i havent done yet is cut him off from my life because i been avoiding that....but i know me sticking around for him has only enabled him to continue the way he is with no consequence or taking no responsibilities for his actions. So i plan to do that, and with the timing of the order, that should help. But i know im in for a hard ride because this would be new to me too. Thanks...I need strength to put an end to this hell

[trippi1432]

Ps. The only thing i havent done yet is cut him off from my life because i been avoiding that....but i know me sticking around for him has only enabled him to continue the way he is with no consequence or taking no responsibilities for his actions. So i plan to do that, and with the timing of the order, that should help. But i know im in for a hard ride because this would be new to me too. Thanks...I need strength to put an end to this hell

 

Hi there, I hate that you are going through something like this, especially with six kids...your story reminds me of someone I care very much about, a very strong lady who survived her own personal hell of what her H put her through and raised five kids thru it all. Was it easy....no, did she end up with a fairytale ending.....depends on how you look at it, she's happier, so it came out good. The years weren't always good to her, the years took her next love as well as her youngest child....but she persevered through all of it and is one of the strongest people I know...she gets through it one day at a time....that woman is my STBXH's mother.

 

You need to separate the facts from the needs.....he's an alcoholic, he sells drugs, he's unfaithful, six kids is a lot to take on...but what kind of example does their father set for them? Do you have resources, friends, family...etc to help you....ones that can pick you up on a bad day and make sure you don't cave back into the emotional dilemma? Are you addicted to him? Maybe out of fear of what your future holds? You are going to have to look deep within yourself and find that inner strength that we all have, but sometimes forget. I know you don't want legal advice, but you will need to be very smart and use it your advantage in a case like this, you need to watch out for yourself and the kids for safety as well as sanity.

 

It's very doubtful that he is going to change, even if he does, it won't be overnight....keep that in mind. I don't know if I helped any here, but I do wish you luck, strength and perseverence for yourself and your children.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. Your friend IS a very strong woman by the sounds of it and i can only imagine the moments of despair she must of went through a long the way....where i feel i am at the moment. I know i have to be strong this time and stay committed to leaving no matter how hard it is because its been something i been avoiding for this whole entire relationship. I am addicted to him...to the needing and to be needed are one of ties, but the one thing that i must do is to know and learn to take care and love myself. I never had the chance to know who i am because i went from my parents to being someones gf...then wife and mother...getting lost along the way. HE became my life and im trying to cut those ties...and become an individual. I fear letting go...the unknown...because this is the first time that i am committing to leaving him and cut those ties...or even dynamite those chains that are holding me back. The sadness and the pain...and the anger still....can be so....overwhelming...i guess i just need some encouragement to keep going at times...thank you

[dazedandconfused2008]

Trying hard to stay positive...have my moments of despair and crying...but its the dreams that are killing me. I either dream about seeing the ex with someone else and telling me he loves her..etc....or i dream we are together like before and nothing ever happened. I dont know which ones are worse because they are equally torturous and painful. Waking up to these have been making it so hard to get going in the morning. And then the feeling just lingers for hours sometimes throughout the day...

 

I think i only had one dream where he wasnt in it and i dreamt about spaghetti and it made me hungry....

[trippi1432]

Trying hard to stay positive...have my moments of despair and crying...but its the dreams that are killing me. I either dream about seeing the ex with someone else and telling me he loves her..etc....or i dream we are together like before and nothing ever happened. I dont know which ones are worse because they are equally torturous and painful. Waking up to these have been making it so hard to get going in the morning. And then the feeling just lingers for hours sometimes throughout the day...

 

I think i only had one dream where he wasnt in it and i dreamt about spaghetti and it made me hungry....

 

Hi Dazed,

 

I did the same thing, kept waking up wondering what "Normal" would ever be like...when would it get here? Would walk down the stairs to the garage and picture his face when I opened the door. Hardest part of the day is still coming home knowing that he isn't already there....and I would just cry. It DOES get easier eventually.....think about all the things that you can do now that you don't need his approval for, what you can do for yourself without someone criticizing you for it. Think to the positive and know that you are a worthy person and worth being loved for who you are.

 

Love the spaghetti comment...funny!

[dazedandconfused2008]

Well made it through thanksgiving...i live in Canada. It wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. I had a couple of moments where i did feel that pain of missing him...us as a family.

 

I been reading a book called "Zen and the art of falling in love" by Brenda Shoshanna. What i like about it is that it focuses on the relationship one has with oneself. About allowing people to live their own lives and in turn allowing ourselves to live our own life. Without controlling, manipulating, etc and offering insight to common problems to all relationships.

 

When i feel really down i start reading or rereading certain areas of the book to remind or show me what is best in dealing with what it is im dealing with. Its funny how a book can become a very good friend. Its helped me a lot and keep my mind from going out of control. I notice i tend to think and think and think then i start picturing all the worst things in my head like what is he doing right now...and with who...etc. I notice thats when i start getting those anxious feelings and that need to try and get my fix and control the situation increases. This must be how a junkie feels trying to get off drugs. But reading and after going through the same crap over and over for the past two years....i know its best that i keep doing what i started now...and thats no contact and to keep going and keep living my life...even if at the moment its not the greatest...but i have faith that it will get better in time. It just has to.

 

As sad as this sounds, i want him to suffer, and hurt. I am so angry that i got dealt this hand. I hate that he put me and our kids through so much hurt and pain. The things he did were so cruel...when all we ever did was love him and take care of him. I want him to get his. I wish that i had never met him. I hope one day that i will be able to look back and one day forgive him but i dont see that happening for a very long time yet....

[trippi1432]

Well made it through thanksgiving...i live in Canada. It wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. I had a couple of moments where i did feel that pain of missing him...us as a family.

 

I been reading a book called "Zen and the art of falling in love" by Brenda Shoshanna. What i like about it is that it focuses on the relationship one has with oneself. About allowing people to live their own lives and in turn allowing ourselves to live our own life. Without controlling, manipulating, etc and offering insight to common problems to all relationships.

 

When i feel really down i start reading or rereading certain areas of the book to remind or show me what is best in dealing with what it is im dealing with. Its funny how a book can become a very good friend. Its helped me a lot and keep my mind from going out of control. I notice i tend to think and think and think then i start picturing all the worst things in my head like what is he doing right now...and with who...etc. I notice thats when i start getting those anxious feelings and that need to try and get my fix and control the situation increases. This must be how a junkie feels trying to get off drugs. But reading and after going through the same crap over and over for the past two years....i know its best that i keep doing what i started now...and thats no contact and to keep going and keep living my life...even if at the moment its not the greatest...but i have faith that it will get better in time. It just has to.

 

As sad as this sounds, i want him to suffer, and hurt. I am so angry that i got dealt this hand. I hate that he put me and our kids through so much hurt and pain. The things he did were so cruel...when all we ever did was love him and take care of him. I want him to get his. I wish that i had never met him. I hope one day that i will be able to look back and one day forgive him but i dont see that happening for a very long time yet....

 

I know how you feel, you wish you could get that time back or turn back time to take back that part of your life you felt you lost. Truth is, we can't but we can take what we learned. I say that from time to time and people tell me, but you wouldn't have your son or you woulnd't have your daughter....I still can't help but think maybe I would have picked a better father for them...truth is, we don't know if that is so.

 

That sounds like a good book, I might look for that one for myself. Keep working on you, you're doing fine. It's not about what he is doing, it's about what you are doing for yourself.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Thank you trippi for your words. I read them over when i start getting bummed out. Thanks for listening.

[dazedandconfused2008]

well...was doing ok until i heard through the grapevine (ya good ol grapevine ) that hes still with the skank and her new baby (Everyone is saying it looks like him ) and i feel.....devastated. It is still....so hard to deal with the pain that hes caused by his actions.

 

He is STILL telling his sister that he isnt with her and the kid is not his and the only kids he has are with me...blah blah blah....but i know the truth because i believe my gut..my intuition and i have come to know his behavior really well the past two years. Hes a pathological liar...a coward...etc. Even though i KNOW he is not moving on (still continuing his life of self destruction) i still FEEL like he is moving on. It feels like his ditched our kids and responsibilities to them...to go play daddy and family to the skank and to this other new child. Im angry...hurt...my kids are hurt...that he can walk away from our kids to go live another life and be giving his time and himself to this kid when my kids have gotten nothing from this prick.

 

Not once have i ever stopped him from seeing his kids...on the contrary...i did everything for him so that he could see them...even when he was going back and forth...back and forth. I finally stopped that when i saw what it was doing to my kids. He would come in and out of their lives whenever it suited him. He did not want to commit to having regular visits. I even encouraged him to go to court to apply for visitation. I wouldnt fight him on that....to be honest i wouldve died of shock if he had cuz that wouldve showed he WANTED to be in his kids life and do anything to get that. I had put up with so much in the past two years...and it took me this long to realize that no matter what...i cannot control..cannot change...cannot make him "see"....cannot help him...and believe me..i tried everything to hold on. I finally had the courage to finally let go for good...and i feel the pain of doing that everyday.I know i can only control my own life and how i deal with it....but the painful emotions inside me are still so strong. There is a war going on and it is within myself. Between feelings and logical thinking. I know i have to do this...i know i have to stay strong....but it hurts sooo much. I feel abandoned...left behind....tossed away....the utmost betrayal....and the worst part is i feel soooo bad for my kids. They dont deserve any of this. It truly is HIS loss...but at the same time...me and my kids are dealing with our own losses. I know what it feels to want to give up cuz im feeling it now really really bad.....

 

but....

 

This is one of the first poems i found when i first started going through all this a couple years ago...and it gives me some strength to read it...and i want to share it with all of you.

 

Edges

by S. Martin

 

“When we have come to the end of all the light we have ever known

And take our first tentative steps into the darkness of the unknown

We must believe one of two things

Either that there will be solid ground

Upon which we can stand

Or that we will be taught to fly”

[trippi1432]

Keep being strong....I'm going through my own emotional roller coaster ride right now and it is devastating.

 

I've picked up a couple new books....one that was suggested was the The Game of Life and How to Play It, by Florence Scovel Shinn....someone on LS mentioned it.

 

I also picked up Leaving Him Behind, cutting the cord and breaking free after the marriage ends, by Sandra S. Kahn - It was formerly titled The Ex-Wife Syndrome. And I got A Woman's Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce, by Rose Sweet.

[torranceshipman]

This might sound a bit random but I think....do everything you can to start dating again and meet someone else. Online dating, social clubs, whatever....because he sounds so awful that I think it is the intimacy and specialness of being with someone that you are missing, not HIM. I think the moment you meet someone else (a nice guy) who can fill this emotional gap and loneliness you feel, you will not be thinking much about this idiot at all.

[dazedandconfused2008]

I do miss those things soooo much. Raising 6 kids on my own and not being able to share those good times with someone really hurts alot. Now that im going nc AND have that epo i cant even text him and tell him what baby did or something funny that happened. I know he is missing out on so much but i also know that that is HIS choices and HIS actions that have led up to this. The way he is choosing to live his life is not good for my kids and myself...and even for him. There is nothing more i can do that i havent done already. Its time to get off the merry go round of hell im in.

 

I would love to be able to meet someone. I have a lot to offer. Im pretty, im smart, im committed, im a good mother and a really good person amongst a bunch of other good qualities. But right now i am not feeling any of these and i am broken inside. I have no desire to be with anyone else or dont think anyone would want to be around a depressed crying woman with a crapload of responsibilities. It wouldnt be fair to this other person as my heart is still hurting over someone else. I believe that there is a really great guy out there for me...and the day he comes into my life this loser i cry over will be nothing more than a real bad experience. Its just getting there that is the struggle. Im tired of giving my life to other people...i want to give myself my own life back...and that itself is my current challenge.

 

Trippi...i will have to check out these books. Could always use more "friends" and back up in this....

[trippi1432]

I do miss those things soooo much. Raising 6 kids on my own and not being able to share those good times with someone really hurts alot. Now that im going nc AND have that epo i cant even text him and tell him what baby did or something funny that happened. I know he is missing out on so much but i also know that that is HIS choices and HIS actions that have led up to this. The way he is choosing to live his life is not good for my kids and myself...and even for him. There is nothing more i can do that i havent done already. Its time to get off the merry go round of hell im in.

 

I would love to be able to meet someone. I have a lot to offer. Im pretty, im smart, im committed, im a good mother and a really good person amongst a bunch of other good qualities. But right now i am not feeling any of these and i am broken inside. I have no desire to be with anyone else or dont think anyone would want to be around a depressed crying woman with a crapload of responsibilities. It wouldnt be fair to this other person as my heart is still hurting over someone else. I believe that there is a really great guy out there for me...and the day he comes into my life this loser i cry over will be nothing more than a real bad experience. Its just getting there that is the struggle. Im tired of giving my life to other people...i want to give myself my own life back...and that itself is my current challenge.

 

Trippi...i will have to check out these books. Could always use more "friends" and back up in this....

 

Hi Dazed,

 

You are such a strong woman to be raising 6 by yourself, keep reminding yourself of that. My first ex was not there for any of our daughter's events. I recall talking to him on the phone years after we divorced and giving him an update on her and all he did was talk about his new daughter. It was like two friends talking about their kids, not a father catching up on his first child. Who knows why, but he is still not in her life and she could care less. She knows that she has me, unconditionally, and that matters more to your children than anything. As far as him, it's his problem, not yours.

 

My current ex was here for 15 years, but did little to form a bond with his 14 year old son. Now he wonders why son does not return phone calls and texts. As our son told me, it really doesn't matter much that dad is gone, he didn't do anything while he was here with me anyway. Seeing him now less frequently means he doesn't yell at me and he does more fun things with me because he finally realizes that I'm worth it. I have a very insightful 14 year old boy. He's amazing and so is my daughter. That's all that matters.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Constantly still going thru my ups and downs...and to be honest....i am so effing sick and tired of feeling this way....this constant cloud hanging over my head that follows me every where i go. I seriously hate him. I hate him so much how he can sit on his ugly deadbeat useless piece of crap ass and start another life somewhere else and act like its all good while i am alone and doing everything alone with six kids. I seriously want to lose it right now. I want to smash everything in my house and pack some clothes up and jump in my van and leave. If i ever see his ugly useless face again i want to grab a bat and beat him to a bloody pulp. Then when im done that...keep going so he can feel every bit of pain that he caused me and my kids. I never thought in a milliion years i would ever feel this way about him but i couldnt care less if he lived or died anymore. Ya i know it isnt worth it...I know...i know. I have to be the better person...the responsible one...blah blah blah. Thats the story of my life. Then the nerve of him to think that he can continue to lie about it so i can believe that he is doing nothing where he is at. Everyone tells me he is doing that because he still has it in his head that he can still come and go as he pleases because this is how its always been done for the past two years. Its going to take time for him to see that i really do mean its over this time...and HE WILL HURT. But i dont even know if he will even feel that since he has his young gf and new kid. My kids look so much like their dad that its so hard to hate him...because i love my kids so much. I look at my baby and she doesnt even know whats going on (thankfully) because she doesnt even know him. Hes hardly been in her life cuz hes too busy trying to be 17 and being a drug dealer and trying to screw every lil girl he possibly can while making probably a hundred more kids in that province.

He left me when i was 6 months pregnant with her....the whole time he was screwing other girls and seeing the one he now has a kid with for a year throughout all this. He slept through my whole labor and only woke up to see her be born. I asked him to spend the night with us at the hospital and he said he was going home to sleep and shower and would come back tomorrow. HE was tired???? The next day after we got out of the hospital he ditched me and baby and the rest of our kids at my house where it was a big mess and he didnt even set up the baby chair or nothing and left so fast he didnt even take his shoes off while bringing the baby in and left her in her car seat after i begged him to stay just for one night to help me out. He said he had to leave to go make some money and a few days later i found out the day after he ditched me he went straight to his gfs in the other province....he came back the next day to our city WITH his gf just to drop off my cousin and her kids and left to head back right away. Thats only a portion of the **** hes done to me. Even so...there were so many times over the past year that i kept letting him come back...feeling sorry for HIM...how sick am i in the head to feel anything for him. Now finally this rage inside of me of everythings hes done to me is coming out and i dont know what to do with it. There is so much anger and hatred inside of me...for him and even for myself because i had allowed this to happen and to continue to happen to me and to our kids. That person that used to be a good husband and dad is fading away more and more and im seeing that piece of ***** for what he is now. I hope that i get thru this part of my life quickly because it makes me feel ugly inside. But maybe i need to finally reach this point because now if he was to try and pull me back in with his crap of how much he misses me and loves me....i think i would start laughing (in a scary way) and hang up. Sorry...so much ugly crap inside me lately. One minute im ok...the next minute im a mess. I never thought i would ever see this cruelty from someone i used to love so much. I dont feel anything but hate towards him...and he doesnt even deserve that much feeling from me either. He deserves NOTHING from me.

[trippi1432]

Hi Dazed,

 

Take a breath, you are going to feel that anger with everything that you have on your plate. But you will be even stronger for it. Everyone goes through this stage, so what you are feeling is completely natural.

 

And no, you are not going crazy, he's an idiot and he did this to you and your family. But I do know exactly how you feel. I've finally gotten to indifference, just no feelings at all for my STBX. It would be good to reach closure (acceptance that it is over), thought we had, but then he brought the closure back the next day with hate and spite.

 

I do hope that you can get thru this stage quickly. For me, it was the hardest part because I didn't like me either when the anger hit. When my STBX attempted a reconciliation about a month after we split and then two days later, ditched me again....I went in my house, slammed doors and just broke down and screamed. That screaming was such a release to get the anger and hurt out. I know with kids around, that's probably not possible (thank goodness my son was not in the house), but just put your face in a pillow, whack the h*** out of it and scream. Find a healthy way to release that anger.

 

You will get through this, you are a strong woman and you are a great mom. Remember that.

Edited November 8, 2009 by trippi1432

[dazedandconfused2008]

You know whats even more messed up?? I want to take him back. Not because i love him or want him back...cuz i loathe him now...but to wipe that satisfied smile off that skanks face and ruin her ideal of him. Hes like a boomerang. He wants back but doesnt want to take responsibility for his actions and wants to sweep the **** hes done under a rug. NOT GOING TO EVER HAPPEN. Thats why he keeps running to her cuz i wont take him back and accept this **** from him. I just want to take him back long enough to throw it in her face that her prince charming is nothing but a user and liar and if i wanted i can have him back anytime. I dont know whats wrong with me....can i sink any lower than now?

[trippi1432]

You know whats even more messed up?? I want to take him back. Not because i love him or want him back...cuz i loathe him now...but to wipe that satisfied smile off that skanks face and ruin her ideal of him. Hes like a boomerang. He wants back but doesnt want to take responsibility for his actions and wants to sweep the **** hes done under a rug. NOT GOING TO EVER HAPPEN. Thats why he keeps running to her cuz i wont take him back and accept this **** from him. I just want to take him back long enough to throw it in her face that her prince charming is nothing but a user and liar and if i wanted i can have him back anytime. I dont know whats wrong with me....can i sink any lower than now?

 

Nah, you are fine.....again, just a natural reaction to what he is doing. You know you don't really want him back, why would you.....but you know the OW he is with is going to have to put up with all his crap....have some solice in that. I'm sure that my STBX hasn't even told his GF that he was over at the house the other night "to console me". I threw him out on his a**. I told him that he better tell her or I would, but I don't even care enough to do that anymore. I just didn't buy into his crap.

 

You are just experiencing all the range of emotions....you'll get thru it soon and start feeling better.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Well i took the pillow idea and needless to say...my pillow is dead .

 

I do feel a lot better today than i did this past weekend. Been thinking a lot about what i want to do with my life and where i see myself. I think i may eventually move to another city to start fresh but when the time is right and for the right reasons. I have severe issues with my ex and as of january i will be starting this 10 week workshop that uses cognitive behavior therapy. So im hoping that will get me moving forward. I know im still on the ride...but i hope that i get to the point where i find my own peace within. All in good time i know.

[trippi1432]

Well i took the pillow idea and needless to say...my pillow is dead .

 

I do feel a lot better today than i did this past weekend. Been thinking a lot about what i want to do with my life and where i see myself. I think i may eventually move to another city to start fresh but when the time is right and for the right reasons. I have severe issues with my ex and as of january i will be starting this 10 week workshop that uses cognitive behavior therapy. So im hoping that will get me moving forward. I know im still on the ride...but i hope that i get to the point where i find my own peace within. All in good time i know.

 

Glad you got some stress out. I went through the same thing....even asked my boss for a transfer to another company in another town....just wanted to be good and away from him, you are smart to want to do it for the right reasons.....you don't need any more change in your life and the kids.

 

You will get there, the therapy sounds interesting. Let me know how it goes. Keep posting and keep working on you, that is most important.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Well was doing ok with myself and trying to move on and to live for myself and my kids then i get an email out of the blue today by my ex's cousin....sent me this:

 

sorry to break your heart you loser but he is not chasing you he only want to see the kids, why the **** dont you grow up and let it go, i cant believe you got a restraining order or whatever so he cant see the kids, ****, you need a good slap you dumb bitch!

 

When i read that i blew up and wrote him back...wasnt pleasant to say the least but it was the truth. Now that the initial anger has worn off i am feeling a bit hurt. I know that his opinions of me and my situation dont matter...but it still hurts nonetheless. Of course my sis in law asked my ex about it and he was mad about it saying the usual crap...he isnt with her...etc etc. Like really whats the point anymore? Obviously he is telling everyone there another story and i knew that but it hurts to get that kinda stuff from people that at one time were your family too.

 

Why do people have to be so cruel? Im already down...and it seems as though as i am slowly stepping out of the pit of despair...i am getting kicked at. I know i will get past this...but right now i cant help but feel like a loser

[dazedandconfused2008]

Its been a couple of months for me nc...and although it was a bit rough in the beginning i have gotten so much out of it. Initially it was tough because a part of me had wanted him to beg for me back immediately...to "see" the error of his ways and to acknowledge and understand the pain hes caused and to just "get" it. He didnt by the way...because remember...he was used to this...me not talking to him for a bit...and always assuming i will always love and be there for him whenever he wants. (Because i have shown and told him many times indirectly). I knew that waking up would come down the road later...and now its been a couple months now...(longest ever)...its starting to hit him that....hmmm....maybe she just might mean it this time? During this time..about a month ago...i got a record of his cell phone records and that was my turning point. I saw all the calls he was making to the OW..the whole time...and i realized more like it hit me... that this was how its always going to be...if i allow everything ive ever done in the past to continue. All the times he said he would change...the times he said he loved me...the lies to me that it was over and had nothing to do with her....made me ask myself...is this what i want out of my relationship? my future? my life? Is this what im fighting for? So i can live a life of distrust and doubt..not just about him...but for myself? Is this what i deserve? NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO. That was my turning point. That was the day i left limbo...and committed to something. TO LEAVE. I cant and wont...ever go back to that life. My kids dont deserve to see their father treat their mother...any woman...that way. So for me...its done and i live day to day for the moment...embracing all that i feel and whatever comes my way, and i let life play out the way it should be..without me trying to control the players in it. As a result of that commitment...interestingly enough...i am seeing more and more of a result. He is calling his sister EVERYDAY and other family members...telling them how much he loves and misses us...(i dont doubt that)...and from what i heard he doesnt sound happy..and when he is telling them that he wants to move back to the city here...he wants to get a job and his own place and do what it takes to start seeing his kids again....and they said he sounds like he is serious. But actions speak louder than words to me now....and he has a LONG way to go yet and a lot of work and commitment to confront his inner demons and to reach his own inner peace.

 

On the homefront...i have my own battles to fight. I was asked by my daycare i use to do this interview with my city's media. Two major newspapers and news channel. For those of you that dont know or read my posts...i am a single mom of 6 kids...and when i left my relationship i was pregnant and my ex got fired from his job and hasnt worked since or paid any child support due to his "issues". So ive had to go on social assistance to get back on my feet. I was told of this daycare that is non-profit and gives parents one free full day a week. So i make good use of it since i have 3 little ones that are under the age of five. I was honored they approached me for this interview because i was grateful for such agencies and people like this. So story goes out....and all people heard and read was SINGLE MOM OF 6 ON WELFARE. I dont think most people read the whole story even. So what happened? I got bashed....people were writing in comments to the papers and to tv news and i was even the topic of conversation on a couple of radio stations...all saying things like i should give up my kids for adoption...i should learn to keep my legs closed...etc..i could go on. This based on of course not knowing the whole story....so im going to put on here what i wrote to all the media and just to let you know....newspapers are doing another story about this....about all the backlash putting it out this week coming. I just wanted to share with anyone that is interested in hearing one story:

 

To Media,

 

I just wanted to write on the articles you wrote about poverty and story i shared with you on the good of such agencies and the difference they've made in my life and my kids life. I would like to say they are well written and with thought. However as a result, a lot of opinions have arisen and a lot aimed at me. One reader suggested i give up all my children for adoption, another on the radio station said i should keep my legs closed, another reader implied that people on welfare are lazy, and these are only to name a few. People are entitled to their comments, and such comments should be hurtful, and thankfully I am strong enough now to withstand such ignorance. Whereas if this was a person trying to start reaching out would be quickly defeated, as I would be, if this was me a year ago. Maybe that is the problem. There are so many people out there that are hurting, being abused, being neglected, being addicted, being taught, or maybe someones life falls apart, all of these resulting in low self worth. Its people with that kind of ignorance and thinking that helps to allow people to "stay down" or not reach for the help and to be made to feel ashamed. There are people even in the helping field with the same ignorance. Believe me i know firsthand. Thankfully, there are also the people that understand, that support, that build up, and encourage the start of healing and belief in oneself to stand up and not give up. I have been fortunate to meet such good people from good agencies like the ********** and the ******.

 

As for my story? I ended up marrying (still married but separated now) my high school sweetheart who i met at the age of seventeen. Over the years we brought six beautiful children into the world. We started out young and I had gotten pregnant with our first at the age of 19. Then had my second a year later. We were on assistance then to get us on our feet, and my husband worked at Taco Time for years. I worked at McDonalds and at GMCC Jasper Place cafeteria and even cleaned houses throughout the years. I went back to school for two years and received my high school diploma. When my husband started working for construction we got off social assistance permanently and have never been on it since. He was making decent money and i became a full time foster parent for a few months. So not only was i looking after my own children i was looking after other peoples children. I then decided to go to college and i went to college for 2 and a half years and earned my diploma in management studies. I also was awarded with the transcanada pipeline award for my academic achievement in one of those years. I did this with 2 young children and a baby. Afterwards I started working for Subway and was hired as a manager where i worked for months on a salary of $1000 per month working at least 8 - 10 hours per day. My husband was getting raises and bonuses every year from construction. The more money we made the lower our child tax went, etc. When i got pregnant with our fourth child, we decided it would be cheaper for me to stay home which I did for the past 4 years while he worked. We werent rich but we lived comfortably. The last two children were unplanned but they bring so much joy and love into our lives. We adapted. The past couple years my husband changed dramatically which at the time i believed he was going through some midlife crisis. We didnt have the perfect marriage but we still loved each other and our children. He became abusive and to the point where my marriage and our life was falling apart. Talking with my psychologist and my support worker from the *********, they believed he is depressed and probably had underlying conditions his whole life that we didnt see because we were young and it became our "normal". The past couple years his behaviours came out full force and it just fell apart. He did, I did, our marriage, our life, everything that we had ever known. We were in a sinking ship and and i knew that someone had to jump ship or else we were all going to drown with him. My husband is STILL in his issues and disorders and addictions have escalated. I have tried (and believed me i have tried so hard) to help him but what i have had to learn the hard way is that people can only help themselves and i have no control over that. So i left my marriage, it wouldve been almost 18 years together. It was a very hard choice to make but one that was needed. I didnt have just me to think about anymore, i had 6 beautiful children i needed to be strong for. With my head down i went and applied for assistance (something i had promised myself that i would never do again when we got off years ago). Throughout all this i still tried to help my husband.

 

I left my marriage, my life ive ever known, to try and save what was left of myself and for the future of my children. I didnt plan or want any of this. I dont think anyone plans to have their life fall apart, to go through divorce, to go through hell and back and then through hell some more. I thought my marriage was forever like we all do when we say our vows. Now I am grieving my old life, my marriage, for myself and my kids. I worked for most of my life and paid my taxes and despite what everyone thinks of me and my children, that i am blessed to live in a country where there are helping caring hands to get me back on my feet. Its sad that in a beautiful blessed country as Canada that there are still so many narrow minded people that take their work, their families, their lives for granted. I too, thought the same when I was working. Its amazing what we truly appreciate when we lose it all. This whole experience, this part of my life has been nothing but humbling. When my life fell apart, i felt like a victim, i pitied myself, i took the bad things that people said about me, allowed them to make me feel stupid and doubt my self worth, and believed them because i thought i deserved it. This past remembrance day was the first time in my whole life that i ever really appreciated what these soldiers fought and sacrificed for. For freedom, for peace, for equality, for our future. Am I not allowed to ask for the same in return for me and my children? I will fight for the same. I would like to thank everyone for their comments and opinions because despite what people think and say, I will never give up on me and my kids and my life, and i know that one day soon i will be back on my feet living a life that is better for me and my children, as well as giving back to society the way they have helped me. My children might sound like a burden to some people but to me they are my loves, my reason, my light, my inspiration, my motivation to keep going when there is nothing left. That makes my life rich. I no longer pity myself, really i pity the ignorant because one day your life might fall apart and it will be someone "like me" that is going to understand and care and put a hand out to your reach because ive been there.

 

I dont regret sharing my story, a part of my life and journey, to show my gratitude for the goodness in these programs, but most of all to show the goodness and compassion and understanding of people. As for the trash talk, especially from the **** morning show. I dont think people need to be made feel worse than they already do and have begun with. I dont need people to tell me that my life is one big mistake, because its not. Why keep knocking someone down when they are already down and wanting to get back up? I dont see the logic in that. I wouldnt wish this kind of response on anyone but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that hard times bring out the biggest rewards that we can only find then...within ourselves. My teenage daughters asked me last night why people were saying these things about me and being so cruel. I just told them with a hug that its because they dont know us or who we really are or how far weve come. I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore, and the more people try and knock me down I will stand right back up again. I am proud of me now, and my children, and of my life, and no one can or will ever take that away. Me and my kids know the truth and our story and thats all that matters. Thank you for your time.

 

(whatever happens...there is ALWAYS good that can be found from the hardships we endure...you just have to allow yourself...in time and with a different way of looking at it all.....to find)

 

I also wanted to add...that the people stories, advice, hurts, understanding, and even the ones that tell it like it is *cough* chrome..gunny...here on LS have made a difference in MY life as well....so thanks

Edited November 29, 2009 by dazedandconfused2008

[trippi1432]

Dazed - Don't let that media stuff get to you, love the letter you wrote to them though. People are always going to mis-judge and have their opinions...nothing you can do about that, but you know the truth, who you are and setting the direction on where you headed. It's people who abuse the system that make it hard for people who only temporarily need it.

 

Your life gave you six beautiful kids and you do what you have to for them and yourself....unfortunately, it also dealt you this situation with your husband....keep moving forward as you are a strong woman and everytime you post, I see you getting stronger and stronger.

 

Hugs!

[dazedandconfused2008]

Thanks Trippi...thanks for always giving me words of encouragement. I hope all is going well for you...well at least better.