chrisd Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 Hi, I've recently asked for advise about my breakup with my girlfriend. I'ts now been about three weeks since we split. The thing is she sends me text messages asking how I am. These messages are now getting further and further apart ( first one day then a two day gap and now its up to a five day gap between texts ). It seems that she is only texting me to see if I'm still alive. The thing is when she texts me it makes me hurt more, I've told her this and she replied "I still care and worry about you, am I not alowed". What I'm asking is should I reply next time she texts are do I just ignore it ? Its going to hurt either way but I dont know what to do. Any ideas anyone ? Chris Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 Originally posted by chrisd "I still care and worry about you, am I not alowed". Tell her, "care and worry if you like, and thank you I do appreciate the concern; but no, you're not allowed to intrude into my process of moving on and gaining peace of mind. If you really care about me you'll leave me alone so that I can get over this. Otherwise your 'care and worry' is a selfish thing, not about me at all. In which case there is no reason I should indulge it." Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrisd Posted November 27, 2003 Author Share Posted November 27, 2003 Thanks, but the thing is I dont want to upset her or hurt her its the last thing I want to do. Shes hurt me but I cant do it back I find it very difficult to do things like that. I know that if I said that to her it would really hurt her. Chris Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 I hate to say it but you're either going to have to take a stand and take care of your emotional well-being, or sacrifice it because you don't want to hurt your ex's feelings. Will her feelings be hurt, really, or is it that she'll give you a guilt trip and you find that hard to deal with? You've told her that hearing from her makes things difficult for you. She has chosen to put her own wish to be in touch with you over your need to not be in touch with her for a while. She "cares" about you and is "worried," but not enough to respect your wishes. If it's just the wording you're concerned about, how about this: "I'm so touched that you're so concerned about me, I really appreciate it. I hope you can understand that right now what I need is to not be in touch with you. I just need to regain my footing and adjust to the break-up. I hope you can respect my need to be left alone for a while. If it's all right with you, I'll get in touch sometime in the new year. Thanks for understanding." If she protests or resists, then I think you've got an ex who really isn't that concerned with your well-being. So you shouldn't be worried about hurting her feelings. She has to respect your need to do things your way. She doesn't have the right to dictate how things will be between the two of you. Her needs are not more important than yours; they're not less important either, overall, but her needs are primarily her concern, and your needs are for you to take care of. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 Midori aren't you contradicting yourself? If her needs are her primary concern then her need to contact him is her primary concern, but she should make his needs her primary concern???? I think the two are in conflict, but it always comes back to if he/she wants to leave you can't stop em. Let em go and see if they come back. If they don't move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 I agree with lostinchic. We all have primary concerns, so whose get respected? Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 lost-in-cgo - I see nothing contradicting in Midori's post. Yes, Chrisd's exgirlfriend's needs are her primary concern, but Midori never said anything about how his ex should make his needs her primary concern. All she is saying is that she needs to respect his wishes to not contact him. Her wanting to contact him and he wanting to be left alone; if you look at it that way, the two will clash. In this context, you are right. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 Vivid_29 elaborated it nicely. My point is that chrisd needs to take care of his needs, just as his ex is taking care of hers. If they clash, c'est la vie. His first concern must be his well-being. If she gets her feelings hurt because he is looking out for himself, that's too bad. Her choice. If she was really concerned about him, she would respect his wishes. If she can't do that, she's not really concerned -- and so obviously he shouldn't be concerned about her feelings. Simple logic. Feelings don't conform to logic, but actions can. Link to post Share on other sites
Regulus Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Chris, your ex-girlfriend is not your concern anymore. When she writes, don't respond right away. When you do respond, don't ask her how she is and don't tell her anything about your emotional state. Don't answer any of her personal questions. Your just feeding into her hands. Best to respond very briefly about positive things going on in your life, never mentioning anything that is related to her or your past. Always the current or future! It shows you are in control, confident, and have moved on quickly...without her. Two things will happen after this. A. She'll get the message rather quickly, move on, and stop contacting you. (which I assume is what you want) B) It will drive her crazy that you are fine without her and she will slowly try to gain control again by playing the "what if" game. Don't fall prey to B. Keep on walking and play it cool. The contact will eventually end for good and you'll totally be over her by that time. good luck to you... Link to post Share on other sites
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