nodivorce Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 My wife an I have had issues over the 9 years we have been married. We had good times and bad times. My wife has said that she is unhappy and that I don't give her what she needs. She said 2 weeks ago that she is sure its to late to save our marriage. She stopped loving me about 2 mths ago and she "cannot love me again". When this happen 2 mths ago, she said she hates the way she feels about me (resentment) and she doesn't want to be around me and treat me bad. We still have 5 more months of being separated before the divorce can be carried out.Before she moved out she said she didn't want a divorce and wanted to try to make it work. Now that she is out, she is happy. I gave her her space and had little contact for the last month, but it seems to only make things worse. I love my wife very much and want to do anything to save our marriage. I know that both of us need to want it to make it work. Last week we were intimate (this really threw me off guard) and later she told me it was a mistake, that she still feels the same. She did agree 2 days ago that we could start seeing more of each other, 2 nights a week, go on a date, dinner/movie, she doesn't think this will change her mind but "anything could happen". I know that most sites and books preach to cut off all contact with your spouse, show them you have a new life, you dont need them, see other people, etc and it will make them think twice (maybe jealous) and then they will come back. I am skeptical that this works for all types of people. She wants me to move on, date other people and get over her. Any comments/suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
EarthGirl Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 yeah actually for me it was the "make her jealous" game that put the final nail in the coffin of there being any hope ever for us. all I wanted was for him to be honest I did not even ask him to stop seeing her or sleeping with her even, until we were official. But he was not honest and he played us girls against eachother like pawns in his little game. he had been so very mean so many times, but that was what pushed it over the edge and it was like I had had enough ..forever. He used her and his feelings for her to manipulate me and emotionally abuse me, and vice versa..he let her wonder all about me and let it ferment in her poor little brain..but she was pretty damn mean as well...I don't like to use the b word JUST because a woman HAPPENS to love the same man I do...does that really make her my enemy? or just another part of the puzzle of life..but she was pretty damn ruthless and cruel. It's not like it was just an unfortunate circumstance that he had feelings for two women at the same time..hey most of us have had that happen to us at one time or another..but it was the manipulation and the choreography of the jealous needy females that just pissed me off so much I could scream. his loss. no doubt he will end up losing her too eventually. probably I will end up alone but I can probably handle that a lot better than he can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodivorce Posted October 6, 2009 Author Share Posted October 6, 2009 sorry to hear that earthgirl. I dont want to play the game with my wife, but some people keep telling me I need to do that. Its very confusing, all I want is my wife back. Link to post Share on other sites
EarthGirl Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 well I'm very happy for her....as much as it hurts me to hear yet another woman is getting the love of a good man I will never have...I really also am so thrilled and happy to hear when that actually happens...I mean sometimes it seems so very rare it's almost an urban legend, and then sometimes all of the sudden every girl I know is getting married. be good to her. I hope she gives you another chance. me, I'm done with all that...it's finally over for me...I am sad, depressed, but hugely relieved also. whew. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 NoD, Is there an OM lurking in the shadows? She wants to spend some time with you, but still wants her distance and freedom. Sounds to me she's playing on both sides of the fence. Sounds like she wants to play the field, but keep you around as a backup. You need to see if there's OM involved. Since you're not living together, that makes it more difficult. I don't know. If I were in your situation, I'd try the date nite thing to win my wife back. Be yourself, don't be fake. Your wife will see right through that. Show her the love you have and how you're willing to do anything to save your marriage. She may still walk away, but at least you will have the peace of mind to know you did not give up, and you fought till the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 If I were in your situation, I'd try the date nite thing to win my wife back. Be yourself, don't be fake. Your wife will see right through that. Show her the love you have and how you're willing to do anything to save your marriage. She may still walk away, but at least you will have the peace of mind to know you did not give up, and you fought till the end. I agree with this, but only show her the love you have, don't tell her. Don't try and discuss the marriage at these "dates", unless she brings it up. You need her to feel reconnected with you and bringing up your problems won't do that. You need to start the relationship over again. Think to the future as if you're going on your first date together and start to build something new with her. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodivorce Posted October 6, 2009 Author Share Posted October 6, 2009 NoD, Is there an OM lurking in the shadows? She wants to spend some time with you, but still wants her distance and freedom. Sounds to me she's playing on both sides of the fence. Sounds like she wants to play the field, but keep you around as a backup. You need to see if there's OM involved. Since you're not living together, that makes it more difficult. I don't know. If I were in your situation, I'd try the date nite thing to win my wife back. Be yourself, don't be fake. Your wife will see right through that. Show her the love you have and how you're willing to do anything to save your marriage. She may still walk away, but at least you will have the peace of mind to know you did not give up, and you fought till the end. I know there isnt a OM, ive confronted her several times and also talked with other people. She has just given up on the marriage, has no hope. She said it took her awhile to build up the strength to leave me and that she cant just come back and have everything go back to normal. I dont expect things to go back to normal, some of the norm before is what caused the marriage to get like this. I know the main thing is she doesnt want to get hurt again and doesnt want to go through this again if it doesnt work out. Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 All good advice here. In your situation if your sure there is no OM then the date nite thing might work. But..... DO NOT talk about the relationship or your changes. It WILL push her away. She needs to see it for herself. She needs space from the "idea" of the relationship so whatever you do don't talk about it. Just be friends and go hang out. Put no pressure on her. Let her call and make the date. I also would limit the amount of dates in a week as she also needs to miss you. Be very patient. It took wuite sometime for her to get where she is and wit will take quite some time for her to come around. Be careful though, She may get too used to the idea of living alone and having you as backup. If she does not indicate something more in the relationship for a couple of months then I would start backing off from the date nite thing. Play it by ear but right now she has the control As far as jealousy goes. I think it is a short term solution. It kicks the person in the ass and gives them a wakeup call but if there is no real change in the person trying to make them jealous then after a short period it fails (especially if it is overtly thrown in their face). I will say after 5 months of speration from my wife, it wasn't until she found out I was dating that she started really being sweet to me. She came back from an out of town trip yesterday and texted me with the note "I missed you" (WTF). I continue to do my 180's for myself and move on and we'll see what goes on from there. But in my case jealousy or the sense of loss woke her up a bit. But..... In my case my wife had an OM and told me to go out and date. I did and I'm not sure she's liking it so much. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 My wife did the same thing after I caught her sending nude pics to OM. She said OM was gone but needed her space. She was playing both sides of the fence. I found out & gave her an ultimatum. Move back home, end her affair & work on the marriage. She choose the OM. That was about 5 months ago. Lately she's been complimenting me on how I look. Today she asked me if I wanted to go pumpkin picking as a family & carve jack' O lanterns with the kids. WTF?!?! There is no family anymore. She saw to that when she choose to walk away from us so she could be with another man. She is still with the OM. My friend saw them the other night together, yet she will still get real close to me & brush her breasts up against me "accidently" when we exchange the kids. Again. I havn't been laid in 6 months & I'd rather go another 6 months than sleep with her. I cannot ever trust her again & want to just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodivorce Posted October 6, 2009 Author Share Posted October 6, 2009 My dilemma is deciding on what I am going to do. I am currently in school for another degree and if we get a divorce in Feb. I will be moving out and selling my half of the house to her. Since school starts in Jan, I need to make decisions by Nov. The way she talks sometimes is she wants to get the divorce done ASAP. She is also in school, graduating in Dec. She wants to hold everything off until she graduates, of course, since it will put less strain on her. I want to be civilized and not fight about this situation, but all she is thinking about is herself, its very depressing. Married 9 years, together for 11, I knew her since high school. So many good memories but all she says she remembers are the bad ones... Ill see how Thurs date night goes... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 took my former wife (when we were separated & trying to work on the marriage) 7 months before she finally wanted to work on the marriage. There was no other person & our goal was to get back together. Got back together for a year & she moved out, then filed for divorce. The only way I feel a separation is if both parties are wanting the marriage to work, you are both doing something about it, Christian counseling, marriage classes, etc. If that isn't happening then she just has you in the back pocket for when she needs a bootie call or something better doesn't come along. Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 She wants me to move on, date other people and get over her. Translation, she is doing it (or others) already. She is having an affair. You need to get tested for STDs if you're still sleeping with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodivorce Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Translation, she is doing it (or others) already. She is having an affair. You need to get tested for STDs if you're still sleeping with her. She is not doing it already, im 100% sure on that. She says things like that to a.) upset me b.) so I can "get over" her. Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 She is not doing it already, im 100% sure on that. She says things like that to a.) upset me b.) so I can "get over" her. How can you be 100% sure? Are you with her 24/7? I guess not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodivorce Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 How can you be 100% sure? Are you with her 24/7? I guess not. Im not with her 24/7 but Ive talked to her close friends and family. The only thing I think she maybe having is an emotional affair, that she is infatuated with someone/has eyes for someone else, maybe hoping something will happen after the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
WTFO Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Im not with her 24/7 but Ive talked to her close friends and family. The only thing I think she maybe having is an emotional affair, that she is infatuated with someone/has eyes for someone else, maybe hoping something will happen after the divorce. Can't hurt to be tested. Sh*t, that's something not to mess around with. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Stay NC with her... You dont deserve the jerking around... Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodivorce Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Stay NC with her... You dont deserve the jerking around... Whats NC ? Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Im not with her 24/7 but Ive talked to her close friends and family. The only thing I think she maybe having is an emotional affair, that she is infatuated with someone/has eyes for someone else, maybe hoping something will happen after the divorce. Do you honestly think she is going to tell her family she is cheating on you? Nope. Why? because they will tell her she is wrong & that will not jive with the justifications she has created as for why she isn't doing anything wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Im not with her 24/7 but Ive talked to her close friends and family. The only thing I think she maybe having is an emotional affair, that she is infatuated with someone/has eyes for someone else, maybe hoping something will happen after the divorce. It only takes about 30 minutes and the right place or motel to take it from emotional affair to physical affair. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Don't be fooled with the it's just emotional bs. It has turned physical, believe it, otherwise you would still be together. She isn't telling you to see others to make you upset, she wants you to follow through with it because that is what she is doing. It takes some of the guilt off her. This woman is not waiting for a divorce to get physical with another. It just doesn't happen like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodivorce Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 I just find it hard to believe she would have sex with me while she is having an affair. Im not being naive, anything is possible, but if she did this than I want to know who took her brain. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Im not with her 24/7 but Ive talked to her close friends and family. The only thing I think she maybe having is an emotional affair, that she is infatuated with someone/has eyes for someone else, maybe hoping something will happen after the divorce. Ah, we have a winner. EA's are just as destructive as PA's. Don't fool yourself. I can tell you this, if she's involved with someone else, either emotionally or physically, and she's moved out, chances are your marriage is pretty much done. But with that being said, continue the fight right up to the end. Some will tell you it's a waste of time, but I don't share that sentiment. If you do everything you can to save this, and she still walks away, you will have peace of mind when you look in the mirror. You can tell yourself, I tried, I did everything I could. If you don't, you will live with the "what if's" for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I just find it hard to believe she would have sex with me while she is having an affair. Im not being naive, anything is possible, but if she did this than I want to know who took her brain. You must be new. Just stick around and read others' stories. You will see that a betrayed husband said "my wife is a devoted church going Christian and she would never ever cheat" and three weeks later, he said "my wife is having an affair with this guy from work and they slept together for the past three months right before work or right after work and somtime they do it during lunch too." Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I just find it hard to believe she would have sex with me while she is having an affair. Im not being naive, anything is possible, but if she did this than I want to know who took her brain. Don't fool yourself. Some marriages show no changes is sexual activity when an A is going on. I wasn't getting any before, nor during the A. A friend of mine whose W was fu#king everything that walked, was still getting it 3 or 4 times a week. Link to post Share on other sites
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