Friend makes plans, then cancels, but why?

[cant beat that]

I am a guy having a problem with a close, female friend. We both go to the same college and have known each other for about 3 years. I have feelings for her, and she knows this (and is ok with it), but things have been platonic beause she has been involved in a long term relationship (and I'm not sure how interested she would be anyways).

 

Her interest in our friendship varies widely. Some months she wants to talk all the time (and where we hang out a bunch of times). Other months she hardly ever wants to talk. Still, we hardly ever go more than two weeks without at least one of us sending an email. During the slow periods she claims she is busy. And, she certainly does get busy, sometimes working as many as 70 hours in a week! (But, I doubt that is the whole story, because sometimes we don't talk even when she doesn't have work).

 

Anyways, so here is the thing. It's a big deal for me to hang out with her, yet we have these long stretches of months where we don't hang out once. She suggests we do something on a certain day. She never agrees to an exact time, or makes the plan "definite". We always finalize on that day, upon her insistence. Lately, however, when that day comes, she doesn't call or respond to my calls. So, we end up not hanging out. This happened between 10 and 20 times in a row the last 8 months or so.

 

I am kind of tired of this fickleness. And, so I told her, don't make plans unless you are serious and you know you can make it. She is absolutley adamant that she wants to hang out, but, given our proximity and the fact that we haven't hung out, its hard to believe. It's an emotional drain for me to be cancelled on because I haven't seen her in so long and I have feelings for her. Now, I'm starting to just tell her no, but then she gets sore. To me, there is no difference, if I say "yes" or "no" as we don't hang out anyways. So, I basically don't know what to do, because she keeps asking to hang out, but then avoids me on that day.

 

So, why does she do this? And, what can I do?

[Iamhappy]

It's a big deal for me to hang out with her

 

Sadly, I don't think she feels the same.

 

she keeps asking to hang out, but then avoids me on that day

 

It could be that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you outright that she doesn't want to spend time with you though I doubt it (see below).

 

In any case, by your own admission, she has bailed out on you at least 20 times in the last 8 months. To me, that's a pretty strong hint you should be paying attention to.

 

Even if she is saying one thing, her actions would indicate that spending time with you or keeping the commitments she's made to you aren't all that important to her.

 

Now, I'm starting to just tell her no, but then she gets sore. To me, there is no difference, if I say "yes" or "no" as we don't hang out anyways. So, I basically don't know what to do, because she keeps asking to hang out, but then avoids me on that day.

 

She's aware of your feelings for her, right? Personally, I think she likes having you pander to her whims. I don't think she's really interested in spending time with you at all. She seems to be more interested in stringing you along.

 

You might consider her a friend, but I wouldn't. She sure isn't treating you like one.

[jenny]

i agree. she may have wildly different expectations of friendship; but if she knows it bothers you and does not change, it's a good indication she is not as invested as you are.

 

let her come to you if you still want to be friends - but do nothing and cancel nothing to be with her. if she is operating on a spontaneous model of friendship, she'll have to figure out a way to change to keep you as a friend. and, if not, not too big of a loss.

[SoleMate]

I've had 1 or 2 girlfriends who were like this. (I am female.) I was never sure if they were just flakey, or really trying to avoid me. Even if we did have other things in common, I just could never maintain the "friendship" with all the last minute cancellations, showing up 3 hours late, etc. I finally decided that I would not ever believe Robin's promise to be somewhere, and then it became clear we would not be seeing each other again just for practical reasons. I ended up not missing her much. All the people I see know are people who generally show up when and where they say they will.

[WWDDFD]

Originally posted by cant beat that

I am a guy having a problem with a close, female friend. We both go to the same college and have known each other for about 3 years. I have feelings for her, and she knows this (and is ok with it), but things have been platonic beause she has been involved in a long term relationship (and I'm not sure how interested she would be anyways).

 

Her interest in our friendship varies widely. Some months she wants to talk all the time (and where we hang out a bunch of times). Other months she hardly ever wants to talk. Still, we hardly ever go more than two weeks without at least one of us sending an email. During the slow periods she claims she is busy. And, she certainly does get busy, sometimes working as many as 70 hours in a week! (But, I doubt that is the whole story, because sometimes we don't talk even when she doesn't have work).

 

Anyways, so here is the thing. It's a big deal for me to hang out with her, yet we have these long stretches of months where we don't hang out once. She suggests we do something on a certain day. She never agrees to an exact time, or makes the plan "definite". We always finalize on that day, upon her insistence. Lately, however, when that day comes, she doesn't call or respond to my calls. So, we end up not hanging out. This happened between 10 and 20 times in a row the last 8 months or so.

 

I am kind of tired of this fickleness. And, so I told her, don't make plans unless you are serious and you know you can make it. She is absolutley adamant that she wants to hang out, but, given our proximity and the fact that we haven't hung out, its hard to believe. It's an emotional drain for me to be cancelled on because I haven't seen her in so long and I have feelings for her. Now, I'm starting to just tell her no, but then she gets sore. To me, there is no difference, if I say "yes" or "no" as we don't hang out anyways. So, I basically don't know what to do, because she keeps asking to hang out, but then avoids me on that day.

 

So, why does she do this? And, what can I do?

 

 

Wow dude, that's like 100% the same thing that's happening to me. What the hell. My Story. I dunno what to do anymore either.

[cant beat that]

Thanks for all your comments.

 

For the most part, we contact each other 50 - 50, but, I hardly ever ask to see her. She is the one who asks to hang out. We're pretty close friends, and we keep in touch mostly by the computer and sometimes the phone. She's never not shown up or anything like that. She refuses to make any definite plans for us to see each other, and doesn't follow through on the tentative plans (such as let's have dinner on Wednesday). I agree that this makes her seem like she doesn't care much about our friendship, but she does insist that our friendship is very important to her and definitely acts very concerned anytime I stop talking to her. She is also says she only wants to be friends, so she is not stringing me along with a possible romance.

 

Still, I have never known anyone who completely refuses to make advanced plans (anything not "today" is tentative). How rare is this?

 

I'm thinking that she doesn't have any genuine interest in hanging out, but asks me anyways as an ego-builder or for personal assurance.

 

What do you think?