My wife left a week ago..

[Aksion]

So last tuesday while I was heading to work my wife began texting me asking why I didn't tell her good-bye etc. etc. We had a bit of a fight the night before and to be honest, I was just in no mood to deal with her if she was still angry that morning. So I left and went to work. After a few texts she tells me she's leaving. So I proceed to leave work and rush home only to find her already 3/4 of the way packed up and screaming at me crying telling me not to force her to stay. She tells me that she doesn't love me anymore and wants me to let her go.

 

Brief history -- I am 23 my wife is 20. We met when I was 18 and she was 15 and have been together ever since. We married last year in Januarary and have had a pretty good marriage ever since. Its just been the last few months of our relationship have been a bit rocky. During the summer I work 60+ hours a week and she wasn't working at all. So we wouldn't see each other often other than at night time in bed. Nearing the end of the summer my hours at work decreased and she finally found a job, but also began going to school again. So once again -- we weren't seeing each other too often. When we would see each other, she'd want attention, and I just seemed to ignore it. I don't know why, I love her very much, but it was almost like she was just annoying me and being clingy anytime we were at home together. When she would want to have sex I'd tell her I was too tired or 'not now'. Like it was solely my decision on when we had sex. Another problem is that I like to have a few beers at night time when I get off work. She hated that and I always knew it -- she always told me, but I never listened.

 

So now with her gone, and I realize its a terrible thing that it took her leaving me for me to see the error of my ways -- I'm doing everything I can to change myself. I know the blame of her leaving isn't solely on myself though. She tells me there is a guy at her church she talks to every sunday that is nice to her and she likes that. Because he actually talks to her and pays attention to her, and she likes him for that. She says she is confused and wants time to think about what she wants. I've told her that I want to fix our relationship, and at times she seems she does as well -- but then she flips and says she just wants me to move on and not wait around for her. I haven't spoke with her in two days (as per her wishes) but it is driving me crazy. People are telling me that I NEED to stay in contact with her, but that was only making her angry. I in my heart believe that she is very angry with me, but I do believe she still loves me, and still cares about our marriage -- I just don't know how to make her talk about it. I haven't seen her since she left last week so we haven't talked face to face.

 

Any advice?

[seibert253]

At least you know who the other guy is. Give her space, work on yourself. Telling her you've seen the error of your ways, and you want to change means nothing. You have to show her. I don't have to tell you your neglect of her lead you to where you are. Hopefully you'll get a chance to fix this.

 

Give her a week or so and then tell her you want to get together to talk. A date night may be a good idea. During this week, don't call her, don't answer her calls, let it go to VM and call her back as you see fit. If she texts, don't answer her right away, wait awhile if you answer her at all. Do not be at her becon call. She needs to get a taste of what life's like without you.

Take it slow, don't be pushy, don't beg, plead, anything like that. As a matter of fact, you want to give the impression you're moving on.

 

Also. Does her "friend" at church know he's contributing to the break up of your marriage? Maybe you or someone you trust can clue him into this fact, and that it may be in his best interest to leave your wife alone.

 

Good Luck and keep us updated.

[Ronni_W]

Aksion,

I haven't read the book, but have seen positive comments about 'Getting Back Together' by Betty Youngs, in other threads. Perhaps you could check the customer comments at amazon.com and other online bookstores and, while you are doing n/c for a week or so, check it out at the library?

 

MarriageBuilders.com also has good articles and questionnaires that may be helpful.

 

Best of luck.

[Aksion]

Seibert, thank you for the advice.

 

During the first week she left I did keep steady contact with her though and was probably very 'pushy' with her. I never tried to force her back home back I did make sure she knew I was hurting. Probably a mistake, but I've never gone through somethin likethis before and didn't know how to react.

 

I'm going to try going these next few days w/o any contact with her. My question is though, if I go this route and she doesn't make any attempt to contact me, do I try getting in touch with er or should I just let it go?

 

The problem lays with our finances also. Everything is under my name. Her phone, insurance, everything. Is it too soon to cut these things off, or would this be seen as burning bridges within what's left of our marriage?

 

I really want to make this work and yes I do know why she left, I just don't know how to make her see that this can work and we can be happy again together.

[trippi1432]

Hi Aksion,

 

Due to your young ages and since you mention church, I'm going to suggest something very powerful and totally free that you can do for your marriage that may help you tremendously....while you are waiting on the anger to dispel.

 

Go to this url for Youtube to get started http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYLIayanv3g. There are 12 parts, should show up in the panels to the right. This is the movie Fireproof...and it is not a totally religious movie (so many people roll their eyes about this movie....I don't go to church right now and haven't for a while, probably should, so I am not trying to push religion on you). Due to the fact that you have developed the insight to understand your part, it makes me feel confident that you will know the right things to do after watching this movie.

 

Good luck and keep your head up, watch out for the jealousy monster.

 

Trippi

[SRV]

Sorry you are in this predicament.

 

You guys got married too young, in most cases, and evident by stats, the odds of making a marriage work at that age are against you. Not to say that your will not work or is not salvageable.

 

Things happen for a reason and thank your lucky stars you do not have any kids.

 

I would suggest that you concentrate and worry on things that you have control over, and that's you and your life. At 23, you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

You did not mention the line of work you are in, but I would suggest that your retool and go back to school. Short term sacrifices for long term gains. You want to be in a situation whereby, if you are pulling 60+ hrs in your later years, you are bringing in some serious, serious money. I would chanel the 60+ hours that you were working into going back to school.

 

You cannot force someone to be with you or come back, I wish you the best.

[Logik]

Let it go.

 

Firstly, make arrangements with her regarding what the two of you will be doing with the financial issues. Who's gonna be paying what and how. Come to an agreement that is fair for the both of you and it's what both of you can afford individually. Then don't contact her about anything. You'll have no reason to.

 

Start working on what you know to be wrong about yourself. Make these changes for you, and not her. Take the situation as it stands now and believe that it's not going to change. Have fun. Think how awesome it is to go out and not have to tell anybody what time you'll be home and try to explain why you're out. Do anything to get your mind off the situation. I know it's difficult because I'm doing it, but I'm 3 months in and it does get easier. When you do think about the situation, think about what you didn't like about your marriage and what she would have to do if you had to reconcile.

 

Make sure you work towards being happy with who you are by yourself. You will soon realise that you don't NEED your wife to be with you, instead, you WANT her to be with you. The difference between these two is huge and will help you get through the pain. So work towards you being a whole person who is happy to be alone, but choses to be with someone because they enrich your experience of life.

 

Let be, let go.

Edited October 6, 2009 by Logik
typo

[hopeful1980]

I also believe Fireproof will help this marriage. It helped my marriage that's for sure.

[Aksion]

I'm taking in all of the advice that you all are giving and I thank you all very much.

 

While I am not ready to just 'let it go' as I love my wife dearly, I am after reading many of your replies, and many other threads with people going through my same situation as I am -- in the mind-set that this may well be the end and all I can do is my part in this relationship.

 

I'll check back in the next couple days, maybe after we have actually spoken. I'm going to try once we do have contact to see if she'll meet me so we can talk things out on a more personal level.

 

However, another thing that bothers me about all of this is that my wife left her cat behind. Ever since I've known her she has loved her cat(s) -- hell, almost more or as much as she loved me. I don't understand why she'd do such a thing, especially since I know she can have the cat at her mom's where she is staying.

[trippi1432]

However, another thing that bothers me about all of this is that my wife left her cat behind. Ever since I've known her she has loved her cat(s) -- hell, almost more or as much as she loved me. I don't understand why she'd do such a thing, especially since I know she can have the cat at her mom's where she is staying.

 

Tells me that she hasn't made a firm decision, the guy at church is probably just a guy.

[Aksion]

Quick update.

 

So my sister logged onto her myspace account today and noticed that my wife had been doing some 'editing' on her page that was showing up in her news status.

 

She went to check it out and noticed that my wife removed every picture of her and I from it. Now I haven't logged onto mine since she asked to have NC with me -- I figured it'd be easier that way, but how am I supposed to take that?

 

She's cutting me out of her life slowly and doesn't want me to know about it is how it seems.

 

Edit: So this literally infuriated me. I called her and she gave me some shpeel about how her phone was messing up and deleted the pictures. There were still some of us left, but not many. After her shpeel about her phone, we sort of just talked for about a half hour. From her cat, to my work, to her classes. Tried to keep the conversation free of relationship talk. When she asked what I've been up to, I just told her I've been doing a lot of reading and 'soul' searching so to speak. I didn't want to get too detailed as I've been reading marriage books and relationship books at the local library and figured it best if she didn't know now. I did bring up the fact that I am completely and utterly confused as to where I/we stand -- but that fell upon silence from her so I moved away from the subject. I told her I was sorry for breaking our NC agreement and she understood -- as she knows I am passionate about things. I don't know if I just screwed things up more or what...

Edited October 6, 2009 by Aksion

[Logik]

Stop contacting her. She removes pictures of you because they remind her of the pain she felt in the relationship. I don't think it's because she wants to get you out of her life as quickly as possible. It seems that this is as hard for her as it is for you, which I think means something, that she still feels something. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Make her guess what you're up to. If there's a chance of reconciliation, you're gonna either ruin it or delay it. If reconciliation is gonna happen, it will happen. No matter what you do. So why not do things for you now, let go and let time do its thing. You're gonna turn around in a couple of months time and wonder why you HAD to contact her over the pictures and see that it was wrong. As much as it hurts, put your head down and do not contact her. No matter what other people are telling you. Ignore it.

 

Think about what advice you'll give someone else who's in your predicament. It helps. Taking yourself out of your situation and looking at it from a spectator's point of view.

 

Keep on keeping on bro.

[Aksion]

I understand -- and I know that many, if not all of you are going through a similar situation or have gone through, which is why you're here.

 

Thank you for all the advice.

 

When we did talk on the phone, her voice seemed cold and as if held resentment toward me. I knew it immediately, but I said nothing of it. Near the end of our conversation I told her I still feel the same way as I did before and she replied saying "You really still feel like that?". I didn't know how to respond, just said yes and tried to move past it and into the good-bye. No 'I love you' from either of us -- which is hard, because she always jumped at the chance to say it.

 

I'm just going to continue my reading. I haven't found 'Getting Back Together' yet in a library -- gonna go get it from a bookstore after work today. I know I should probably be OUT doing other things, but as you all know, at this point its the most serious issue in my life.

 

Also, she told me she is planning to come by soon to gather the rest of her things from the house. What on earth am I supposed to do when she shows up at the door? All I want to do is hold her again, and I know that seeing her is going to drive me crazy. Do I just ignore her and let her gather her things? Do I try and show her that my life has been fine even though its been hell since she's been gone? Or should I take this as my chance to try and sit down with her face to face for the first time since she left and actually talk to her about our relationship and what we can do or need to do to work on it?

 

Thanks again, I'll update when I hear from her -- if I hear from her.

Edited October 7, 2009 by Aksion

[WTFO]

 

Also, she told me she is planning to come by soon to gather the rest of her things from the house. What on earth am I supposed to do when she shows up at the door? All I want to do is hold her again, and I know that seeing her is going to drive me crazy. Do I just ignore her and let her gather her things? Do I try and show her that my life has been fine even though its been hell since she's been gone? Or should I take this as my chance to try and sit down with her face to face for the first time since she left and actually talk to her about our relationship and what we can do or need to do to work on it?

 

.

 

 

Maybe that would be a good time NOT to be around. I mean, my opinion is this. I think you will say anything to her to make her stay. Tough call. I can see where you would want to talk to her about the relationship, but if she gathering her things and taking pictures of the both of you off the net...than that's a pretty gd indication she just doesn't want it. I wish you the best.

[Chrome Barracuda]

1there's someone else, or she wants to date others it's not your fault, and I would just file for divorce now, sooner or later you'll see.

 

It's not your fault. she wants to see other people. and it's all crap about the phone since when does a phone deletes myspace photos???

WTF? F-ing liar.

 

I'd just have her served and throw her stuff out. Dont prolong the seperation give her the divorce she wants and keep it moving, she sounds like a flake anyways!!!

 

And this is why I tell my friends do not get married when your young because one of you will want to sow your wild oats and you cant do that while your married.

[Aksion]

I've thought about all of the same things, however she has never directly told me anything of the sort. I'm not being naive by any means, I just don't want to do any irrational and ruin any chance of us making our marriage work.

 

I don't have any choice but to be home when she comes to gather her things, she no longer has a key to the house. If she isn't living here I didn't see any reason she should have been able to come and go as she pleased, so I took her key.

 

I'll know more soon I hope. I honestly just want to know where we/I stand so I can begin to live my life accordingly.

[phineas]

I changed the locks. She could of made a copy of the house key.

[trippi1432]

1there's someone else, or she wants to date others it's not your fault, and I would just file for divorce now, sooner or later you'll see.

 

It's not your fault. she wants to see other people. and it's all crap about the phone since when does a phone deletes myspace photos???

WTF? F-ing liar.

 

I'd just have her served and throw her stuff out. Dont prolong the seperation give her the divorce she wants and keep it moving, she sounds like a flake anyways!!!

 

And this is why I tell my friends do not get married when your young because one of you will want to sow your wild oats and you cant do that while your married.

 

I don't think it is just young people in general that don't get along and make a marriage work....my husband and I were 36 and 39...wild oats should have been sown...unfortunately, he found he has more wild oats to sow.

[seibert253]

I don't think it is just young people in general that don't get along and make a marriage work....my husband and I were 36 and 39...wild oats should have been sown...unfortunately, he found he has more wild oats to sow.

 

It really scares me reading about everyone on here married 18, 20, 25 years, and one of them just throws it all away.

[Steadfast]

 

I've thought about all of the same things, however she has never directly told me anything of the sort. I'm not being naive by any means, I just don't want to do any irrational and ruin any chance of us making our marriage work.

 

 

She is not going to tell you until the OM gives her what she wants; like a commitment. See, he might not and because of that she is keeping you on the back burner. It's the same old story, time after time. And it sucks every time. Be strong, be kind, and do not take any crap. Refuse it.

 

 

I'll know more soon I hope. I honestly just want to know where we/I stand so I can begin to live my life accordingly.

 

 

Brother, start now. Deep down, you know exactly where you stand, you're just denying it. She has moved out. Remove yourself from the situation and go completely NC with her. I mean completely. If she forces the issue (like showing up at your door) then be nice and listen to her. Don't say anything. Just listen then thank her for sharing, and excuse yourself with a warm, loving smile. Only when, AND I MEAN ONLY when she says "I'm sorry, I was wrong. I'm willing to do anything to make our marriage work" will you truly be in a place to decide if *you* want to be married to her.

 

Don't be surprised that after some time you discover that you don't. Especially if you feel deep down that she'll do it again. Move on.

[Aksion]

She is not going to tell you until the OM gives her what she wants; like a commitment. See, he might not and because of that she is keeping you on the back burner. It's the same old story, time after time. And it sucks every time. Be strong, be kind, and do not take any crap. Refuse it.

 

 

 

Brother, start now. Deep down, you know exactly where you stand, you're just denying it. She has moved out. Remove yourself from the situation and go completely NC with her. I mean completely. If she forces the issue (like showing up at your door) then be nice and listen to her. Don't say anything. Just listen then thank her for sharing, and excuse yourself with a warm, loving smile. Only when, AND I MEAN ONLY when she says "I'm sorry, I was wrong. I'm willing to do anything to make our marriage work" will you truly be in a place to decide if *you* want to be married to her.

 

Don't be surprised that after some time you discover that you don't. Especially if you feel deep down that she'll do it again. Move on.

 

So then my question here is -- if I really believed that this was the situation, would it not just be best to confront her head on about all of it and get it done and over with? Albeit, I don't believe that, and deep down, no I don't believe I'm denying anything, but wouldn't it be best to tackle the situation head on? Maybe I just don't understand how going completely NC can do any good for anything. I've always thought that talking things out would be the better route to go.

[Logik]

So then my question here is -- if I really believed that this was the situation, would it not just be best to confront her head on about all of it and get it done and over with? Albeit, I don't believe that, and deep down, no I don't believe I'm denying anything, but wouldn't it be best to tackle the situation head on? Maybe I just don't understand how going completely NC can do any good for anything. I've always thought that talking things out would be the better route to go.

 

You said that when you try to talk it out with her, she goes cold. No constructive discussion will come out of that. Yes, talking things out is the best route to go, but if she's not willing to do that, it won't help.

[Aksion]

You said that when you try to talk it out with her, she goes cold. No constructive discussion will come out of that. Yes, talking things out is the best route to go, but if she's not willing to do that, it won't help.

 

Then once again it looks like I'm back to square one.

 

I'm so confused on what to do.

 

I know that many of the replies are just people trying to prepare me for the harsh reality -- if it goes that route, and I'm not shunning your replies, I'm just very confused.

 

If she wanted another man, then one would think that she would just full on break off every contact/thing that has to do with me.

 

I'm still playing the NC thing out, but I really feel that it would be best if I could get her to agree to meet with me face to face and just talk the whole thing out -- whether it go the way that I want it to not.

 

My mother and father went through a seperation of over a year, however they continued to talk -- and while I saw how much it hurt my mom every day/night, they still continued to talk on the phone, but it was when they would see each other that things would seem to get better.

 

I'm not trying to pressure her into anything, but it just seems that avoiding all contact just minimizes the chance that we may be able to work this out.

[seibert253]

It would be best if you could sit down and talk this out, but it's crystal clear she doesn't want to do that. IMO it's because of someone else. You can't force reality and logic into her, because right now she's living in La La land. It's always your first inclination to beg, pled, show them the error of their ways, and love them to coming back. THAT NEVER WORKS. It shows her you are weak, she is in control, and she can control and manipulate you. And she will. The only way a WS comes back to reality is usually the crash and burn.

 

What does that mean? She needs to see and experience that life on her own isn't the bowl of cherries that she thought. She needs to experience and see what life is like without you being there as her lifeline.

See, right now, she knows she can leave the home, go out and do whatever she wants, and she knows you're still there to pick her up after she falls. Her thoughts are, "well, if this doesn work, I can always just go home to my H". She's using you. You're second string, sitting on the bench until she calls you into the game. You are her back up plan. You deserve better.

 

So what now? It's time to get tough. This is no longer about "winning her back". This is now about you being the best you. Many times the combination of the WS feeling what life is like with out their lifeline, and the "new and improved" you, brings them running back to the marriage.

 

What to do:

1. You need to go NC or LC. If she calls, don't answer, let it go to VM. If she texts, don't answer. Call her back, or answer her texts on your own terms, but do not do it right away. You do not need to "be there" for her. She's on her own and needs to feel that

2. If you do speak to her, speak about nothing but finances or kids, (don't remember if you have any). Nothing else. If she tries to bait you into talking about other things, like "how was your day?, I did A, B, C, yada yada", politely tell her, "I'm sorry, I'm right in the middle of something and I have to go", or "I'm kindof busy right now, I'll talk to you when I can", then end it with goodby. No I love you's, love you, nothing. She needs to feel the distance growing in you.

3. Start a self improvment plan for you. Join a gym, buy some new clothes. Hell, a buddy of mine finally bought the Harley he always wanted when his wife walked out. Boy she was pizzed, but I guess it worked because 2 weeks after he bought it, she came home.

4. If you haven't started IC then start.

5. Contact an attorney and learn your rights and options

6. Close any joint credit cards. If she has any in her name, make it clear to her she pays for those, you will not.

7. Consider closing any joint financial accounts, and opening new ones. One in your name, one in hers. She keeps her money, you keep yours. She needs to feel the financial seperation as well.

 

This is your time to become the best you in the world. If not for your W, for the next lucky lady to walk into your life.

 

If you implement some or all of the above, one of two things will happen:

1. Your wife will have the WTFWIT moment, and come running back, or

2. She will grow even more distant, then you know it's time to move on 'cause she ain't coming back.

 

DO NOT approach her wanting to talk about your marriage. Let her come to you. If she wants to talk about the marriage, do it face to face, in a neutral place. A nice upscale resturant is a great place.

 

Above all else, be patient. Give her time. Implement your game plan, stick with it and let it run it's course.

 

In the end, you will win, you will be better, you will be improved. If not for your wife, for the next lady who comes into your life. A better one may come around, just ask Tojaz.

[Aksion]

Ok, thanks for all the advice. I still have to get her to come get the rest of her things from the house. Like I said before, I'm going to have to e there when she does as she has no key, should I go about handling the situation the same as you said above?

 

Edit: I still feel as if I should ask her to meet me to talk. I haven't attempted it but feel like it would be in my best interest to do. Has anyone here attempted this before and gotten a positive response out of it? I know every situation is different, just unsure if it's something I should even try.

 

I understand that going NC or LC has worked for many, but it isn't working for me at all and honestly it's driving me crazy. I can't sleep, it's affecting me at work, I just want to get everything out inthe open between us, no more games. If it's over, then it's over, if not, great let's work on it. Everyone keeps saying give it time, and patience, but how can I do that when it's all I think about regardless of what I'm doing? Am I wrong for wanting to ask her to meet with me?

Edited October 8, 2009 by Aksion