Girl has security issues -- I've been egocentric at times

[misunderstood]

Warning! this is long.....

 

so ive been seeing her since Feb 03..we had sparks throughout..became intimate after a month..I wanted to go slow..she was going through a divorce in which her husband was abusive...she fell for me early...it took me longer..

 

I enjoy my independence and my friends and family as well..it was unbalanced for the longest time..she was always calling me..I would always be there for her and talk to her when she needed me and she would feel better after talking to me..sometimes she would mistrust me asking me if I was seeing someone else when I was just hanging with my brother w/whom I am very close to or friends (I always let her know of my plans were and that she could call me if she needed me)..this put a a strain on our relationship as it hurt me a when she would ask me these questions..I wanted her to be stronger and more secure in herself..

 

problem is sometimes she would say my eyes would wander and this was not fair to her I know but I was always honest with her and let her know that I cared for her very much..

 

I finally fell for her last month and told her I loved her..I thought everything was fine..but i guess not...she broke up with me recently because of the things i've done to hurt her..not loving her back the way she loved me initially...wandering eyes..and aslo my recreational drug use..recently i've been needing her more..I lost my job and me and my bro were in a motorcycle accident..ive been reaching out more to her but she couldn't be there for me like I was for her (even as a friend) and she didn't feel as strongly for me as she did before..

 

This hurt because I needed her there for me when we were in the hospital and she couldn't be..I thought our relationship was maturing to a point where we could take it to the next level, where I could return the selfless love she had given me, but she pushed me away..I apologized for any hurt I may have caused her and confessed my love, but she still resisted...I know I hurt her in some ways..I didn't mean to..It took me more time to develop my feelings of love for her..

 

This may also have to do with my ego and not needing my happiness to be dependent on someone else.. but I have learned to reach out to others more recently.. I am growing as a person..

 

Since, she has starting seeing a long-time friend of hers who she was never interested in before, but he was always interested in something with her..she told me she stil has feelings for me and she wants to see if I can change..I ask her why she is jumping into a relationship with this friend..she says he gives her security but I think security comes within and that is not reason to enter a relationship..

 

I haven't given up on us..I'm a work in progress..she's not perfect..we always had fun together..I wanted us to grow together..we just werent in sync i guess..are our differences insurmountable..I've forgiven her for giving up on us..can she forgive me for hurting her...i don't know...She said we can try to be friends after some time has passed...

 

What should I do?? I am torn...I want to invest more..I care deeply for her..is it too late??

[SoleMate]

Can we get a little more forthright info on exactly how you hurt her? Were your eyes the only things that wandered or did other body parts follow them, for example?

[misunderstood]

Solo...thats just it..my eyes only..well, my mind once followed...but that was it..

 

Some background..

 

My Ex and I worked at the same place..this also complicated things..there was another girl at work who asked me out to lunch..she was new and just so happened to sit at the cube next to mine..there was an attraction but keep in mind I am social with all my co-workers..

 

I said yes at first thinking lunch with a new person..make her feel comfortable especialy since we are cubemates rt?? but then thought better of it seeing as she was quite attractive and didn't want anyone getting any ideas..which they did anyways...

 

So I told my Ex about it afterwards and she got real jealous..I was being honest with her and told her I was curious to get to know her as a person, that she was my cubemate and that was it...in hindsight..i probably should have said nothing about that incident...just played into her insecurities...

 

Other things..if we were out, I like to dance..i can be a little freeflow at times..she would be hypersensitive to my interactions on the dance floor, accusing me of dancing with other girls...even if it was little more than checking out my surroundings..well..to me that was all it was...again, i probably could have been more sensitive but i wasnt insensitive...i guess its hard to tightrope that line sometimes...

[misunderstood]

some new developments..my ex dials me yesterday..we talk for an hour...have some good laughs and talk about some life stuff but nothing too personal about us..we both genuinely enjoyed each other in conversing..she suggested we have lunch sometime..

 

Thing is..we both agreed ten days ago that we would not talk to each other for a couple months...I broke that when i left her a voicemail on thanksgiving telling her I had forgiven her for giving up on us and that if she could forgive me for being selfish and hurting her, that we could be friends..

 

Another thing I am wondering is that I know her so-called new boyfriend...friend of ten years whom she never saw as more than a friend (no attraction) until we broke up..does not like me..in fact he really dislikes me..he's never met me so whats up with that???...does not want her talking to me..that is what she told me...so why is she calling me against his wishes..

 

Any thought out there???

[greentea]

hello.

 

I think its normal for guys to not like their girl's ex, especially if they know you still have feelings for the girl... well, there might be a possibility of reconciliation if you keep seeing each other and that is a threat to the new guy.

 

I don't think its something personal about you since you mentioned, he never met you. I guess its for "security" reasons only.

[sarah12]

I wouldn't be concerned about the new guy not liking you. This happened with me. I would ask the new guy why he hated the ex and he just said that he didn't like the fact that my ex is so obsessed with me (things with the new guy have ended and the ex still isn't over me after 8 months). So really, it's just a "guy" thing to do..to not like the ex, no matter how much the girl says she is over him and doesn't have any feelings for him.

 

This also works the other way around too though. I have gotten jealous of ex's and especially ones who were their first love. Bottom line is that it's normal, so don't worry about that.

 

As for what to do about your situation..there really isn't much...she seems to be very hurt by your actions during the relationship. I dated a guy who was like you in the sense that he always needed his independence. Now, I am a very independent person myself, but this guy was just excessively independent! It was like he was telling me (without saying it) that he didn't need anyone (i..e me) in his life. This is not what I call independence. You can only be independent when there other people around - otherwise it's called being ALONE.

 

Anyways, I got fed up with it all, was not really even that interested in the guy, I think I was just attracted to his independece, which I needed after dating a guy who was extremely dependent on me. Anyways, I see it all as a mismatch in wants and needs..and that's what I think is going on with you and this ex. She is insecure and somewhat dependent on you (albeit you gave her reason to be insecure), and you are very independent. Every relationship needs a certain degree of both, but it seems you are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't know if it is worth pursuing her because you have caused her a lot of hurt and that kind of pain takes a LONG time to heal. You cannot help her get over the hurt, she has to do it on her own. If you intervene in her life now, she will be more confused and will never fully grow and will constantly have the same insecurities.

[misunderstood]

Thanks for your replies..

 

Sarah, as far as the independent..dependent thing..

 

can't two people who are at different ends of this continuum move towards a middle ground during a relationship?? grow together..isn't that what a relationship is about??

 

...we gave each other alot of other things that warranted us spending a good amount of time with each other...if not..the relationship would not have lasted as long as it did is the way I see it..and I know I was starting to come around..

 

I don't think it was the case where she was just attracted to my independence.. maybe not used to it would be more appropriate..

[misunderstood]

Sarah,

 

you seem pretty perceptive given the limited info..

 

From you have told me about your past experiences, you seem pretty independent as well..guess you havent met that guy that is both independent and also gives you those other qualities you seek in a man..

 

What are those qualities?? someone who is sensitive, caring, confident, self-aware, wiling to sacrifice, attractive?? pretty tough to find huh??

 

My point is...relationships take time and work..if you want to take the relationship to the next level, you (not you Sarah...) have to be willing to realize where you want to improve and grow...

 

At least thats where I'm at..I've been selfish.sometimes you have to be selfish until the relationship matures...so I'm not perfect..but some of my other qualities make up for that ...or at least I hope...mistake free relationships don't realy exist do they???

[sarah12]

can't two people who are at different ends of this continuum move towards a middle ground during a relationship?? grow together..isn't that what a relationship is about??

 

Yes, I do believe this can work, if you both realize it and want it to happen. Sometimes it just happens naturally to, like you said, as you grow together. In the cases of extreme opposites though, I think it requires some more work.

 

One of my friends is a very dependent type and has always been. But since she's met some of my friends and I, I've noticed that she isn't as dependent as she used to be because we are not. She still definitely is much more dependent than the rest of us, but not as much as before.

 

mistake free relationships don't realy exist do they???

Judging from the number of threads on here, I'm guessing there aren't very many!!

From you have told me about your past experiences, you seem pretty independent as well..guess you havent met that guy that is both independent and also gives you those other qualities you seek in a man..What are those qualities?? someone who is sensitive, caring, confident, self-aware, wiling to sacrifice, attractive?? pretty tough to find huh??

 

You just listed a lot of the qualities I do look for in a man. I also look for a guy who is aggressive in knowing what he wants and going after it. i.e. in career, life, significant others, friends, etc. It is definitely tough to find and I don't know if I will ever find it..but I am okay with that (i.e. never marrying)

 

I've been selfish.sometimes you have to be selfish until the relationship matures...

What do you mean by this?

[misunderstood]

is that in the onset of a relationship, your partner may want you to sacrifice certain things that you do (to a certain degree, i.e. do them less..do her more..figuratively..not literally!)

 

...for example spending as much time as you do with your buddies, or some of your recreational activities..whether that be drinking, carrousing, riding my bike, whatever..

 

But you can't do these things for her until she shows you who they are, what they are made of, what are their values, etc. and you really start to care for them, respect them, understand them...and I guess, ultimately why they want you to stop doing or, for that matter, start doing what the they are asking of you..

 

So until the relationship matures..you will be selfish and think, well, I value these things just as much or maybe more than my girl at this time..

 

You are being selfish..especially in her eyes...but as you build a deeper bond..you will give up some things to spend more time with her..to show her that you are willing to put more into it..

 

Oh I also read your posts as far as your situation..you said it hurts a lot the fact that your ex cant stop feeling guilty about his ex..what hurts you?? him or just the whole situation??? or the feeling that you have indirectly let yourself be pulled into this emotional rollercoaster???

[sarah12]

I don't know if I agree with your points. I think that there doesn't need to be a clear point when one stops doing something with their friends for a girl.

 

I would never ask a guy to stop hanging out with his friends. Obviously this may happen naturally as the relationship does require time. But I don't know of any guy that waits until a girl shows him that she is worth it to give up some of his time to be with her. I don't know. I just don't ask guys to do things for me and I only want them to do things with me or for me because they WANT to, not because they feel obligated. I also don't want them to have to weigh out who is better - me or the friends. At least not until I get married or something, if that every happens. Also, the best kind of relationship is when both of you can hang out with the friends.

 

Oh I also read your posts as far as your situation..you said it hurts a lot the fact that your ex cant stop feeling guilty about his ex..what hurts you?? him or just the whole situation??? or the feeling that you have indirectly let yourself be pulled into this emotional rollercoaster???

The whole situation hurts me because he told me so many things and I felt so strongly for him, and I know he did for me too. Now I don't know what to think - whether or not he ever felt it and what I mean to him now. I also do feel like I have let myself be pulled into this when I should have been more rational, especially after the first break up! If you read butterfly1's thread,

"Did I just imagine everything?", maybe you can understand a bit more. We are both in the same situation and would appreciate some input from others!

[misunderstood]

Sarah, actually, I agree with all your points...I am confusing it with other issues and can't express myself as I want to right now..

 

Anyways..I have new job lined up for the new year! woohoo!!

 

Also, I've been talking to my ex this past week..not sure where things are going but we've been having fun talking on the phone and its like we've put the past behind us and just enjoy each other...still we havent talked about where things are going just yet..

 

I'll check out that link about your situation..thanks for your thoughts..you've got a good head on those shoulders..just keep your head up!

[sarah12]

Wow, that is really good that you can talk to her without talking about the past and holding grudges and what not. I wish I could do that with the guy..! I think you are doing well then if you can keep talking to her. It's important to establish that friendship base or reinstate it I guess.

you've got a good head on those shoulders..just keep your head up!

I like to believe that I do, but I guess I feel stupid about this whole thing, about how I am having a hard time with it. I never get like this when relationships end. I don't understand.

 

AnNyways, keep up the talking with your ex, just don't push for anything.