Is this cheating or just flirting for both of us????

[vavavoom0260]

The deal:

I have a "semi-boyfriend" (4 yrs), we have a child. I want more kids desperately, he doesn't (stipulation of marriage). We are extremely different and have a hard time getting along.

 

I have been contemplating leaving for more than a year. I know that he loves me, but feel as if he doesn't respect me, and thinks I am somewhat of a flake.

 

The dirt:

During a required company visit at work, I started talking to one of my regular contacts at work and found that we had a lot in common (how we were raised, our beliefs, what we like to do, music, etc.) I recently have "taken a break" from my BF we still see each other romantically (not sure if I am in love though), on a very regular basis as we have to live together (financial reasons) but found out that the guy friend that I have has also been separated from his wife for a few months, but until I "split" from my BF thought it was inappropriate to mention. We have most recently starting talking more and more often.

 

This other guy is great, but also has kids and NO DIVORCE. Should I even consider having dinner with him? I know that he wants more and he is very clear about that, but why do I want to walk into something like that? I am positive that under clear relationship circumstances that we would work out, but can I be patient enough for the both of us?

 

Not only that I would feel like I am cheating tooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

I have to see this person on a monthly basis for work (different company though), I don't want him to think that I am totally disinterested, but want him to understand that I don't want to do the cheating thing. I mean really how much are you going to trust someone in any relationship if you start out cheating with him or her????? Although I have to say we have a hard time not bumping into each other, our legs touching, brushing against each other, its enough to drive a girl CRAZY! I am not sure that I could resist if he pursued.

 

Help! How should I handle this situation?

[camcutie]

It's always hard to leave someone your not one hundred percent sure you do not love anymore, and it's even worse when there are children involved. I have a 2 yr old son with my ex, we still live together (until he finally finda a place of his own).

 

I got involved with someone right away, my ex and I had already decided mutually that we are not in love with each other any longer, I still feel guilt and there was no cheating.

 

The best thing you could do right now is stay away from "the guy friend", first off because he is married. Secondly you need to take the time to get your feelings straight about one before moving onto the next, if you don't it will cause heartache in every way you look at it.

 

I know it's easier said than done, take me for example I am so in love with someone I shouldn't be(my ex's employee/aquantence) and I will wonder forever if it's because I just jumped from one to the next or if it's for real. I started out wanting to take it slow for that reason, just didn't happen as slow as I had planned.

 

So straighten out one feeling before jumping into the next. Take in this possible senerio, this man is married, not a good start if he would go out to dinner with you. You would think always, would he do the same to me? Chances are probably. You said you were unsure if your in love with your bf, what happens if you don't sort out your feelings first, you go out with this married man for dinner, you then decide or better yet he decides to stay with his wife. If you don't make a decision on your own first about your bf you could end up with a guy who goes back to his wife and leaves you with tremendous guilt because now you can't look at the person you weren't sure if you loved, the father of your child, and your guy friend is no longer there.

 

I think it would be better if you decided on your own with no help from the convience of having someone there, if you want to try working on your current relationship. Let the guy friend decide on his own if wants his marriage to work. Once all decisions are made than go from there. With you getting involved with anyone especailly a man with a wife at home in your situation now I would be afraid it would only cause alot of pain in the end.

 

I don't mean to sound like I'm any smarter, I never take my own advice even if I know it's right I usaully have to learn the hard way. Thats why I figure if I give someone else the right advice maybe atleast someone won't end up hurt in the end because normally it's me.

 

good luck.................

[vava]

Wow it sounds like you are going through the exact same thing as I, except that my bf still wants to act as if we are together because we have to live together. This stresses me out, because I don’t want to be cuddly with him and give him the wrong messages but it is so easy to fall back to the way we were or weren’t in this case.

 

Anyway I found out this morning via email that the dinner with “the guy” is not an option. I am traveling (for business) to the area where “the guy’s” office is and my boss asked me to do PR work, so I have no choice, but it does make me nervous because as I alluded to, the emotions are extremely STRONG on both sides (not simply sexual either). When we don’t talk work for a day he will call and say he misses me, etc. Which I hate to admit, but I can’t wait for something to go wrong so that I have reason to call him on work related issues. I know that it would work out, but I know the right thing to do is wait until the air is clear for both of us.

 

You are right and you didn’t come off like you knew better, I think that we both know better, but the thought (or dream) of true love is so enticing, exciting, exhilarating that it sometimes overwhelms you and you forget about common sense. As “the guy” stated on several occasions, “sometimes when emotions are so strong that you have no choice you are forced throw caution to the wind.” It is so much easier to give in than it is to do the right thing.

 

You sound like you have your head on straight, as I like to think that I do also. I would like to hear more about your situation as well if you would like to share. Although it really stinks that there is someone else who is going through the same DRAMA that I am, it is good to know that I am not alone in my confusion.

 

Email me if you want to chat or we can chat on line…whatever.

 

Anyway…thanks a million.

[vavavoom0260]

Cam,

 

Read your threads. This is going to be long (Sorry)

 

Why in the world should you feel guilty about the new guy?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

You have a shot a true happiness jump at it. Who cares who this guy is to your ex, its not like he is his brother or something and you had this elaborate plan to deceive him. Here are the facts:

1. "P" didn't know what he had

2. The "new" guy saw what a beautiful person you are and how stupid "P” was.

3. He cares for you and you for him, right?

4. "P" wouldn't know a good thing if it hit him square in the eyes.

5. You have a wonderful child that needs YOU!

Why should you ever feel guilty for being happy? No one has the right to make you feel the way "P" has. I am not an expert for sure but.......Life is too short, not everyone could love again after what you have been through, if you really think that this guy is true blue,, why hold back? Maybe he should look for another job, just to make sure that he is clear of the scene.

 

About "P" I can't believe that he won't leave! What a (_?_)! If the mooch has employees, doesn't he have enough dough to get a place of his own?

 

Suggestion 1:

I know you may not want to involve your mother, but since it is your mother’s house would she be willing to tell him that his lifestyle disrupts the family and if he wants to do what is best for his child he should leave. It’s all true! If he has any respect or pride he would leave, but who knows.

 

Suggestion 2:

Or have a friend take your son for a few hours (so as not to upset him), have someone at the house (maybe your mom or a friend for safety), and explain to him why he needs to leave, how he can't stay there anymore and that you don't want to do it, but if he doesn't leave you will have to get assistant (legal).

 

I am not sure how I would handle it, you know how this guy ticks, but it does sound like a dangerous situation. What ever you so be careful. Cocaine is serious stuff, it changes you totally. I know that you want to keep the peace and my heart goes out to you, but how can you? Users tend to cling to people and make you feel guilty and sorry for them and although he may be "OK" when he's sober he is far from the person you once knew. I should know, 10 years ago I was very much involved with alcohol and "mild" drugs (if you can call it that), and I am NOT the same person I was then, I don't even know who that person was.

 

Something else, lets pray that he is not bringing the stuff into your house? What if your son finds it, or "P" gets caught with it while he is with your son? Or is stoned when he is around your son!

 

Your son is still young, its possible that he may not remember a whole lot of this now, but the longer it goes on the more he will remember. Don't let him see you unhappy like this, kids are more sensitive and can sense it. Get rid of this guy for you and your son. He is headed for trouble and is trying to take YOUR family along for the ride.

 

You sound like a strong and intelligent women, don't waste your energy on someone who has no respect for you, himself or life itself.

 

You’re better than that. You deserve better than that....most of all, your son deserves better than that!