WayneBrat Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) To date, my relationship has lasted 26 years, a relationship of ups and downs, happy memories and much more. We have two late teenage daughters. My wife L is 12 years younger than myself. When we first met I was married, not a happy one but I kept it going as long as I could. However, I fell in love with L at first sight but resisted any attempt at infidelity because of an old-fashioned belief in marriage, commitment and being faithful. I managed to keep this up for 2 years but eventually gave in to my heart, I became sexually (once) and emotionally involved with L, admitted it all and left my wife. After a month my old fashioned ideals kicked in and I went back to my wife, a big mistake as it lasted just two weeks! L and I became an item, I was by then divorced and we were married. A short time after L committed adultery, a one night stand, not an affair. Her “excuse” or in other words explanation was that she did this out of revenge because I went back to my first wife during the start of our relationship. I was naturally distraught but accepted the fact, forgave her and moved on. The love I had (have) for L is unsurpassed she is the love of my life, my soul mate. A year later I inadvertently discovered L together with a male work colleague, the two being alone in our hotel room at the time. When I entered the room L swiftly moved from her position on the bed where the guy sat to a chair close by! Both were fully clothed but from their body language and reactions something was obviously happening. During a later confrontation L dismissed the incident as being nothing at all. Moving on a few years, I worked as travelling sales manager on the export market, so I was rarely home. L in the meantime had her own business selling perfume and lingerie, during this time she had started a “friendly” relationship with the son (previous marriage) of her Aunt’s husband. As I later discovered this relationship developed into on-off sexual encounters where the guy was actually invited to our house to indulge. Prior to this discovery I caught L sending sexual text messages to a work colleague, these were dismissed by her under the pretence that she was just flirting and had no intention of meeting the guy. On another occasion L had a night out with a female colleague to celebrate their new found qualifications as nurses. L came home wasted on booze at 5am with her lingerie inside out and pressure marks on her body. Her explanation, something was put into her drinks! After all this we had flaming rows and I eventually asked her to leave, which she did for 2 months. But due to my feelings and a well-worded confession with hand-on-heart promises that she would never do it again I let her back into my life. Now 3 years later she has done it again, a meeting was arranged with a former school buddy on Facebook. They met for “coffee”, 2 hours 38 minutes at his house! I also discovered that she had been emailing and chatting with at least 2 other men. According to L all this is nothing but flirt, innocent coffee meetings, nothing more! Now we are at the crossroads, I want out of this as I have been used more than enough, again I have asked her to leave, get out of my life, allow me to move on. After our first discussions she cried for an hour (guilt complex?), then she agreed that there was nothing more to do, the split must come. Now she asks for 3 months to see if we can patch it up, I have thought about it but must admit I am not keen. However, I have demanded that she come clean, lay out all the cards and tell me the truth, then I can decide what to do about us. So do I give her another chance on top of all that’s gone before, remain a spineless jellyfish or show her the door? Sorry for the long story! Edited October 7, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
lostsunsets Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) Hell no. She is a serial cheater. Find someone who will be true. Don't you know that if someone will cheat with you, they will cheat on you? Edited October 7, 2009 by lostsunsets Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 They met for “coffee”, 2 hours 38 minutes at his house! I also discovered that she had been emailing and chatting with at least 2 other men. According to L all this is nothing but flirt, innocent coffee meetings, nothing more! Hmm... She promised, 'hand on heart' not to do anything again, and yet she still does think it's okay to flirt, email, and text a few men, and go to a man's house for a few hours... Does this look like she is fulfilling any one of her previous promises to you? Like the one she made when she married you, to forsake all others? Like the one she made hand on heart? Now you are asking us if you should pay any attention to THIS NEW promise? What's changed? Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 ahhh Waynebrat...I think you know the answer to this...but will tell you my opinion anyway...LET HER GO. No more confessions...no more promises...your wife, I think is addicted to the "newness" of a relationship... I think she will always want something/someone new.... Link to post Share on other sites
1Angel Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 From what you told us, you should leave her for good. Obviously, only you can make that decision. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Wow. I have to say, no leopards don't change their spots. As a former "other woman", I can say that I can't imagine the supposed "revenge" as anything but utter nonsense. Since it was at the beginning of your relationship, not only was going back to your wife typical, but not all that hurtful to L. The married man I was involved with left his W after 2 years and has been out about 7 months now. I never once contemplated screwing someone else to get back at him for not leaving his W for so long. Even in the midst of the flipflopping that ensued therafter (like you, he had strong moral values that conflicted with his desire to leave his W), I never once thought of cheating. If anything I would just leave to let him work out whatever he wanted, no need to cheat. As a former cheater too (I cheated on my xH with my married man), I learned my lesson and would never do that again. Point being, L's 1st betrayal was never in a million years justifiable. If she'd had so much anger towards you that she had to do that, she could have simply not married you. All the affairs thereafter seem to indicate a pattern with her. She feels entitiled to do whatever she wants and that you'll put up with it. Chances are extremely high that if you forgive her again, she'll keep cheating. I'm sure it's got to be awful realizing that the woman you gave up everything for is not who you thought she was. But not dealing with the truth of that fact and trying to reconcile will only lead to more pain for you. I think your best bet is to move on. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Wow, I can't believe you hung around her after the first few A's. For us on the outside looking in this is a simple one, she's gotta go. She's a serial cheater and as Tami said she's addicted to the newness of her infidelities. She'll never change. Run Forest, Run. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 OK. First. My H is a serial cheater , as is your wife. My marriage is over but I do have some hindsight , for what its worth. She keeps cheating on you. You catch her. You talk. She apologizes and you forgive. As dramatic and sincere as each episode may have seemed...you basically DID nothing. No surprise, doing nothing or what you have been doing...is consistently producing the same results. GO, RUN, TODAY...to a MC. Not just any, but one that specializes in infidelity and one that has a specific program for recovery. The end result will make your decision for you. If it is divorce, it will give you insight to heal your broken heart and skills to take forward with you. If it is to stay together, you will have now done something different and healthy for her problem which will have the possibility at least, of producing different results. The MC will help you either way and make it less hostile. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Second chance? Wasn't that many chances ago...this is more like a tenth chance. Everything in your post makes me think that you are done...so if you need the support let us give it to you...it's done. Link to post Share on other sites
inhindsight Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 WB I think in your heart of hearts, you know what must be done. Doesn't matter how much you love your wife - she does not respect you, and has shown this time and time again, after being caught repeatedly. I feel for you and your pain, but in order to preserve what is left of your soul and dignity, please let her go. Unless she is willing to acknowledge the significant damage she has done to you and your marriage, then I say let her go. You are a STRONG man for putting up with all you have so far; a forgiving, compassionate, strong man. But it's time to let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 So you left your first wife, and cheated on her with the woman who became your second wife. Your second wife turns around and starts cheating on you, and you want people to feel sorry for you??? Cry me a river... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 So you left your first wife, and cheated on her with the woman who became your second wife. Your second wife turns around and starts cheating on you, and you want people to feel sorry for you??? Cry me a river... Aw Chromie, I love ya! Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 So you left your first wife, and cheated on her with the woman who became your second wife. Your second wife turns around and starts cheating on you, and you want people to feel sorry for you??? Cry me a river... Oh come on, you don't have to kick someone when their down. LAME LAME LAME. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Oh come on, you don't have to kick someone when their down. LAME LAME LAME. I'm sorry to be such a spoilsport but someone had to say it. The irony of the situation is damning. And the real reason he doesnt want to leave is if he does then he did all that prior cheating for nothing. if he leaves he will see that his past actions to gain this woman was wrong and he'd have to admit it to himself that every decision he's made since then was wrong... He cant do it because he wont do it. I'm sorry but like no one forced him to leave the first wife, no one's forcing him to stay with the second... It's his choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 And the real reason he doesnt want to leave is if he does then he did all that prior cheating for nothing. if he leaves he will see that his past actions to gain this woman was wrong and he'd have to admit it to himself that every decision he's made since then was wrong... You know, I managed to say the same thing, but not in such an attacking way. Funny thing, tact. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 You know, I managed to say the same thing, but not in such an attacking way. Funny thing, tact. Tact, what is tact??? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Tact, what is tact??? You know what I like about you Chrome? You're honest. At least you don't pretend to be something you're not. Still, I believe there's value in tact, if you ever want to find some. Link to post Share on other sites
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