Why has my ex acted the way he did? And what should I do now?

[ENFP]

I broke up with my first serious boyfriend only 2 months ago. I was deeply in love with him, and always tried to make him happy, but he seemed to lose interest about 2 months in and was often very cold and cynical. I'm extremely insecure, so I got really moody and sad, and then I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

 

About 2 weeks after I told him that I had depression, he dumped me, retracting that he had ever loved me, despite telling me so, and saying that he couldn't deal with my problems in this capacity. He did add that he had never wanted to hurt me, and that he wished it hadn't turned out like this.

 

When I talked it over with my friends, we concluded that he is not over his girlfriend before myself, which is just crap. I still have to live with him at a university college, and I can see now how he is all over another girl we live with, and has been so since before we broke up (a fact I clearly chose to look over at the time). In addition, I've been told that he is looking for another girlfriend, an has been for a while. I just want to stop caring about him so that I don't have to be dragged down by what he's doing, and what I still have to witness.

 

So, a few queries that I hope anyone can answer, though it would be nice to get a guy's perspective:

Is it possible that he ever saw anything in me, or was I just convenient as a fill in?

How could he find it acceptable to go after another girl so soon after he broke up with me (even before, who knows) when he knows how vulnerable I feel right now?

Is it possible that he, knowing how I still feel, plays games with that?

Despite everything, I don't want it to end by never seeing him again. I'll be moving out of college soon (as will he), and does anyone think it's a good idea that I try to maintain a friendship with him? He is very insensitive in the way he interacts, and he can be a lot of fun to be around with sometimes, at others he is selfish and reticent, and if you allow it, can be cruel. I'm not sure if I can handle the interactions with enough compenancy to avoid being hurt by the way he treats others at times. Sigh. I don't know.

And how can I help overcome my insecurities with regards to myself and relationships, so that I myself don't make the same mistakes again (both in choice of guy and my behaviour in the relationship)?

 

Please help...I don't know where to go from here and I'm so miserable and feel so helpless about it all.

[midori]

Hi ENFP,

 

I'm an INFP, by the way. It sounds like you're struggling with several related (because they involve you) but distinct issues.

 

1. Your depression. It's hard to cope with and if you've only recently been diagnosed (2 mos. ago, right?) it may be that you're still trying to find the right med/dosage and regaining your sense of balance. I hope you're talking to a good counselor on a regular basis.

 

2. Your insecurity. Might be related to your depression, or maybe not. What is it rooted in? It would be difficult for anyone to give you advice about how to get over your insecurities without knowing a bit more about where they're coming from. Is it about your looks, your personality, your SES/education, all of those, none of those?

 

3. Your ex boyfriend. I'm not a guy, so hopefully some will offer their takes on your situation. I think it might be several things at play at once. Dealing with someone who is depressed is difficult, as I'm sure you're already well aware. And some people simply are not up to it.

 

You didn't say how long the two of you were actually together, but it didn't sound like it was very long (2 mos. into the relationship he started withdrawing from you, and sometime soon after you were diagnosed with depression, at which point he broke up with you, right?). You kind of implied that his withdrawal incited your moodiness... but is it possible that he was reacting to your as-yet-undiagnosed depression, and thus withdrawing?

 

You said you were "deeply in love," but the two of you hadn't been together for that long -- if I'm reading your timeline accurately. I'm not doubting that you were, actually, deeply in love, but for some people that might seem a bit intense rather quickly. And you report that it was your first love. Which can put a lot of pressure on someone. Add your depression to that and I can easily imagine a situation that was overwhelming for a young college-aged guy.

 

You wondered if he ever loved you. He said he did and then he retracted it. That's an ugly, immature thing to do. It sounds like this guy hasn't conducted himself very well. But that doesn't mean you have to tie yourself in knots wondering what was going on. There are two possibilities: he said he loved you when he really didn't, for whatever reason. That would make him a cad, basically. Or it's possible that he really meant it at the time but he sees love differently than you do: it's not necessarily long-lasting, it's not something that will endure despite inconvenience. You might say that's not really love, but it's not for you to define his emotions. It's like people's color perception -- what looks like green to you might look like grey to me (I have a coat that I'm quite sure is grey but most people see as a greyish green. I see no green at all in it. Go figure). You can't define someone else's emotions for them. If he says "love" when you would only say "like" (or "fancy"), that's his call. What is important is to figure out what being in love means to another person. You've found with your ex that it doesn't mean the same thing as it does to you. At least not right now. He's a young guy, and that's non entirely surprising, to be honest.

 

Is he over his previous ex? Maybe, maybe not. Did he use you as a rebound relationship -- it's possible. It's food for thought at least. You're young too, and as you say this was your first serious relationship. I'm older than you, and I have a few light scars from love. I probably wouldn't have fallen as fast or as hard for a guy without knowing where he was, emotionally. But who knows? If he didn't come across as someone who was looking for a rebound relationship, or as someone whose definition of love was more shallow than mine, I might easily have been swept off my feet, as you were.

 

I think the larger point here is that he's not in your life anymore. He didn't show much sensitivity in removing himself from your life, nor is he showing much now by pursuing your housemate. Good thing to take note of -- he's not a sensitive guy. You didn't notice that as you were falling in love with him, but you can see it now. We all miss things when we're falling in love. You don't need to beat yourself up over it, it's just part of the learning process.

 

You want him back, I think. Knowing that he's not very considerate of other's feelings probably isn't enough to put you off him, but don't let yourself forget it. I'm not suggesting that you get over your feelings for him (right away at least), but I am suggesting that you come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over, and isn't likely to be resurrected any time soon, if ever. So stop worrying about what's going on in his head. He is probably not thinking about you at all as he pursues other women. He's not trying to send you any messages. That's why he was so horribly blunt when he broke up with you: he feels no sense of obligation to you, and he's not going to give you a second thought. I'm sure he doesn't think of himself as a cad or a heartless jerk.

 

I doubt it's his intention to hurt you with his behavior. He's just going about his business. Is his heart still bleeding from his previous ex, or from you? Both are possible. Some guys, some people, get over things by moving on with a new person even before the hurt has healed. That's their business -- though of course the new person might be discerning enough to recognize that and opt out of being a rebound. You can't make him stop and think about what he's running away from (or what you think he might be running away from). All you can do is take care of yourself.

[ENFP]

Hi Midori,

 

Firstly, I'm glad someone picked up on the Myers-Briggs reference. I have a habit of having INFP's as close friends, so it's nice to know.

 

My ex and I were going out for 5 and a half months. It was a short amount of time to get that intense, I suppose, but I guess part of it was the more he pulled away, the deeper I went in to try and make up for it. What started as fairly healthy love became a bit manic. Cause and effect, I suppose.

 

I am seeing a counsellor. I was diagnosed with depression in early August, so it's a bit longer than I gave the impression of. I tried antidepressants but I didn't like them, but I'm fine coping with just talking.

 

My insecurities are something I've had for some time, probably since I was about 11 or 12. I don't know what it is I have to be unhappy about with myself, but I tend to just regard myself as a general failure, despite achieving many things that I have wanted to. I'm a uni student studying something I love, and getting good marks (although this semester I've slipped up because I had such a crap one). I'm kind of psycho about the way I look, I get really self-conscious if I don't think I look ok, and even when guys tell me they find me attractive, I try really hard to believe them, but I get cynical and think that they are just being nice, or they have another agenda. As far as my personality, I'm always worried that people will find me annoying or too full on, despite the fact that I have many friends, I'm always worried that they are just being kind hanging around with me, or that I've done something to make them mad. I tend to assume that if someone is acting not really happy, that I've done something wrong, when really it's usually that they're tired, or that they're pissed with someone/thing else. I try very hard to be rational about these negative thoughts, but when I'm vulnerable, I find it very easy to believe them. It sucks. It's part of the reason I'm finding it really hard to cope with this break up; I tend to assume it's all based on my own inadequacies, therefore I shouldn't have expected any better. My ex doesn't understand low self-esteem, he thinks it's something you easily "grow out of". As you might guess, he wasn't in the best position to deal with my problems, and not sensitive enough to not exacerbate them.

 

Anyway, that's it if you decide to write back. If not, thanks so much for your considerate and really helpful reply.

[Goatsbreath]

what is a INFP, I feel left out. Im a guy and I think Midori said everything about how it is. I have been there, with a depressed person. It just seems like no matter how hard you try you can't make the person happy and this becomes very frustrating in a relationship. I mean, deep down I know that if they are depressed it might not be me that is making them unhappy. In fact they should get help before they try to pursue a relationship. Still- as the boyfriend, I would get caught up trying to do things that I thought would make her happy and It just seemed like they went unnoticed. Somehow you end up feeling like this person's happiness is in your hands and you cant do anything to help motivate it. If I loved someone I would do everything I could to help the person but If I was just meeting someone I would hope they were not depressed. I spent almost six years with a girl that was depressed, she was on all the meds, went to counseling and still- she never felt happy. She was always confused, I dont know who I am,........all that stuff. So, after all that time its like- was it even possible. Did I ever really even know her, the person she could be- or was that just who she was.............FOR LIFE!

[ENFP]

An INFP is one of the 16 personality types defined by the Myer-Briggs Personality/Keirsey Temperament sorter. They have a few tests for it online if you want to find out your type (but take care, some cost money...I think there's a good one at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm)

Basically, in brief, each letter stands for one of 2 options, and as you can see, there are 4 letters assigned to each type.

The first is Extroverted (E) v's Introverted (I)

Second, Intuitive (N) v's Sensing (S)

Thirdly, Feeling (F) v's Thinking (T)

Lastly, Judging (J) v's Perceiving (P).

 

So an INFP is an introverted intuitive feeling perceiver. And my type, ENFP is the extroverted version. I won't tell you what each letter means, because it'll affect the validity of your results if you actually want to do the test.

 

Also, I can see where you're coming from regarding having to date a depressed person. However, I was not at all depressed, just insecure before I went into this relationship, so I didn't anticipate that my insecurities would be brought out so badly. Not an excuse, but I do know that I made a mistake too, and that clearly it is not entirely his fault, my predisposition to low self-esteem played it's own part.

[midori]

Hi ENFP,

 

I think your insecurities are just things you'll have to work through. There's not an easy formula. I think everyone has qualities which, if they realize and cultivate, will make them individuals who have every reason to be confident and proud of who they are. I'm sure you have such qualities in many domains. If you aren't satisfied with your looks, for example, find four good things about yourself and focus on those things. Maybe you have really nice skin, or maybe you've got a lovely neck, or dainty ears. Everyone has some nice physical traits. You just have to emphasize your strong points, and not beat yourself up over your weak points. That goes for just about everything, actually -- talents and lack thereof included.

 

It's such a cliche to say that once you learn to love yourself, flaws and all, you will find it easier to let yourself be loved by others. I used to think I had to be perfect in order to be loveable. I was keenly aware of my shortcomings, and felt I had to compensate in every way possible so that boyfriends would find me worthwhile. I too used to think that my friends were my friends out of pity or mere tolerance. But I've finally outgrown that. I think it happens differently for each person. But I've found a path that's right for me, I'm doing things I believe in, that I'm good at, and that I know are worthwhile. I don't doubt myself nearly as much as I used to, in any aspect of my life.

 

Hang in there. Don't be afraid to make yourself vulnerable to other people. I suppose one thing I could offer to you that I think holds true for everyone is this: most people, even your family and closest friends, aren't paying you nearly as much attention as you think they are. Your mistakes aren't as appalling to them as they are to you. Often they won't even notice. You don't have to take yourself so seriously. And if you let go a bit, relax a bit, you'll find that things don't require as much effort and anxiety as you think.