Dating Your Therapist- hmmm....

[Misstery]

Ok, not sure if this is the correct forum for this question, but I suspect I'll know what type of answers I'll get, and I've seen some people's way of responding lurking about before...but here goes anyway. Please read the whole post before responding. I know it's long, but it's most appreciated! Please be advised this is partially something I've contemplated in real life, and partially a hypothetical question as I've not decided on anything either way.

 

I shall preface this question by letting people know that I am a psychologist myself in profession, so I know what the supposed rules are, and I have never crossed the line myself with one of my own patients (nor been tempted to), but suffice to say, Im curious how bad it really would be to date someone that was PREVIOUSLY in a patient-therapist position with you, NOT while you are STILL in therapy. The basic rules of the professional boards (and please don't quote them to me, I know what they are) are that there should be no sexual intimacy between patients and therapists, and that once the professional relationship is over there should be no less than two years before you are allowed to socially hang out, and even after two years, it is on the therapist to prove that they have not taken advantage of the prior knowledge/relationship they had with the patient, as many people in therapy ARE in a position of vulnerability and transference often occurs where they mistake love or like for a therapeutic relationship. I am not at risk for this , trust me. After all, I know WHY the rule is in place, but that doesn't mean it applies to everyone, right? The reason a person should not date their own patient is obvious, you may be taking advantage of a position of emotional authority....but if you're no longer patient-therapist, does it matter? Let's say, for instance, you break off the patient-therapist relationship, and now you are simply two people, who work in the same field no less....is it then ok to date?

 

Even though I am a therapist, I also see a therapist myself. Hey, Im a normal person with normal problems, and most psychiatrists/therapists/psychs/SW's etc that I know do see their own therapist, because the stress of the job and hearing other people's problems all day can be stressful. I don't tell my therapist anything I wouldn't tell my own close friends to be honest, but I have one because it's an impartial third party that I can just vent to every week who has to listen.

 

I was seeing the same therapist for quite some time, but he left the center I was going to and moved to another state. He referred me to another (male) therapist at the same location, so I figured I would give the new guy a shot. To be honest, I had seen this guy walking around the office before and thought he was incredibly attractive. I am RARELY genuinly attracted to a man on both a personal and physical level, so when I feel that spark it is noticeable. Anyway, so, coincidentally, the therapist my old therapist refers me to happens to be this hot guy I've seen walking around the office. I was hesitant, because I've never had a therapist I was attracted to before, but I rationalized that I myself have had patients hit on me and express attraction to me and I was still able to provide them with effective counseling, so I figured I'd give it a try.

 

It has now been something like 3 months, maybe a tad less, that I have been seeing this new guy for therapy. To be honest, as I said, there is nothing I say to him that I wouldnt say to my own friends, as I am a very open person overall. If I have intense secrets I don't tell my friends, I don't tell my therapist either, so there isn't any crazy dark secret he knows that most of my friends don't know. I view therapy as more of an arena to vent and b*tch about things without the worry that someone will get sick of hearing about the same things over and over.

 

My dilemma has become that, rather than ignoring the attraction I've had from the moment I laid eyes on him, it's beginning to become more noticeable. I still speak to him freely and openly and calmly, but honestly, I find myself fantasizing about him quite often lately, and I could be wrong, but I swear the last session or two he's subtley flirted with me. Nothing huge, mind you, as he's not an idiot and wouldn't be so brash as to say some obvious flirtation (neither would I to someone I was a therapist to!), but it's been enough to make me cock my head for a second and wonder. For example, I joked about my cynical and sarcastic/occasionally depressive nature and said that most people find me outgoing and funny, and he said "well, people can have more than one side to them", to which I said, "don't all people have more than one side?", and he says, "no, boring people don't. [pause. smile.] And you, Misstery, are most certainly not boring." I blush, smile, and then tell him about a couple of dates I had recently with some new guys. I lament that I don't seem to have any interest in them, but that they all seem to be vastly interested in me, to which my therapist states , "I can't imagine why not, your gorgeous, intelligent, funny, [pause] and have the most intriguing eyes". He then stops as if he's unsure he's said something inapporpriate and we just keep talking. He has a habit of staring at me and smiling in a manner that's different than the mannerisms in which I see him interact with other patients. I know it's possible for me to see what I want to see, but really, I don't know how to convince anyone here that I'm not one of those people who does that. I pride myself on being incredibly perceptive, which is a trait that has made me very good at my job, and I do believe that he finds my personality to be intriguing and I'm fairly certain he is physically attracted to me.

 

So, Im not sure what to do now. Do I end the therapy, and find a new one? Do I tell him the honest reason why I feel we might need to end our professional relationship, or do I make up some bogus excuse? And, lastly, should the opportunity even arise that we should become aquainted on a social level (provided our therapeutic relationship is OVER, of course), should I even consider it? These and other questions....

 

And no, please do not give me the typical "well, if you are asking, you must know it is wrong" responses, because those are just silly. People question many things in life, that doesn't make them all wrong. Just, perhaps, unconventional.

 

I'm sure I've left out something, but we shall come back to that if anything comes up in responses of people! Thank you very much for reading this lengthy posting, and I appreciate seeing other people's viewpoints on this matter. Oh, and if anyone needs to know or it matters, him and I are approximately the same age (early 30's), I am a doctorate level psychologist, he is an MSW level therapist, not that it matters, but that's the most personal information I can give on here and still be totally anonymous ;-)

[2sunny]

first of all this should be in the business/professional forum...

 

secondly - you can't date him... not now anyway, and you know that. you are trying to find a loophole to which you COULD date him.

 

the only way would be to follow the rules. stop seeing him as your therapist... then wait two years to date him.

 

that would be the ethical order of things - but, you are trying to still find that loophole... good luck.

[Athena]

I think you should end therapy with him, telling him the real reason. You have always been honest with him during therapy sessions, so why would you lie now?

There's nothing to be ashamed of -- he's an attractive, smart man, and you are attracted to him.

So you can tell him the WHY part of ending the therapy.

 

As for the exact waiting period of two years... surely there's an ethics board of psychologists or some such thing you can consult with?

 

Good luck with it.