Struggling with my 16yo Daughter

[flc]

I have been divorced for over a year and a half now and I have custody of my daughter, my ex lives in Chicago. I was divorced in Jan and my daughter finished that year in school with all As & Bs. The following year, however, she struggled and started failing courses. Recognizing there was a problem I started her in therapy and while this has helped she is still struggling in school this year. On top of this she is about 20lbs under weight and has a lot of problems with her periods including pain that results in her missing more school. I have been taking her to Drs and generally she is healthy and eats well. Her mother was also petite and had problems with her periods.

 

My problem is that she continues to fall behind and is digging a hole she cannot get out of in school. She believes she can catch up but does not put in the effort required to do so. I have tried to be more forceful with her but this has not had any Affect, I have tried to just be supportive and this also has not had much affect. I know that other's have bigger problems with their kids but I feel like I am watching her fall off the train.

 

Anyone have similar issues any advice? My nature is to try and fix things but I cannot fix this and the stress is wearing me down.

 

Thx

[2sure]

My daughter is only 13 so I am hesitant to give advice on matters I have not yet walked through. BUT, here is something I did when my daughter was struggling in school.

 

Now, you know from her previous grades that she is intelligent and able to do the work. But now, with her health and some emotional conflict she is completely overwhelmed. She basically knows she could catch up, but because she is overwhelmed doesnt do what she needs to do, doesnt know really where to begin. I get it.

 

Initially, I hired 2 tutors for the subjects my daughter was the furthest behind in. Some improvement, but then the other classes began to slip. It didnt really help. Then, I hired someone who could do what I couldnt because of my schedule and because I am not a great teacher:

 

A hired a teaching intern to communicate with her teachers, organize her study and homework schedule and bring her up to speed. My daughter learned that being overwhelmed happens but once you start getting it together, the rest follows. She is now organized on her own and regardless of whatever else is happening in her life good or bad...her school work is almost a respite, a focus for her. Like your daughter, she has the smarts for the work and once she was caught up the new success made her happier in the other areas of her life. Being overwhelmed with one thing - ripples over to everything and it works the other way around too. We dont use that intern anymore, but do have a French tutor.

 

The intern was young, in her first year of college - but a successful student. And cost less than the tutors.

 

We learned a lot.

[flc]

2Sure that sounds familiar, it is kind of a spiral as the stress adds to the physical problems and eventually she is unable to cope. I will look into your suggestion, she not very open to me helper her organize but maybe she would be better with a third party.

[2sure]

flc - that was a BIG issue between daughter and I as well. By using someone else, as well as someone closer to her age...it became something she did ..not something I made her do. It worked really well, and she is a happier girl all around than she was.

 

You might consider asking one of her teachers for a reference...oh yeah...SOME schools also offer a mentoring program to various degrees where they hook students up with college students.

 

Whatever you do...once she catches up and cleans up THAT part of her life...it will be easier for her to stay caught up and to cope with other issues that come along.

[Peaceful Guy]

i have no experience with raising teens, but i do remember being one. that said, sometimes all the extra attention to "problems" made things worst. lots of kids hate their doctors, specialist, all that. not because they are bad people, but because it makes them feel broken all the time. like they are a work in progress, or something that needs to be fixed before they can be treated like a whole individual again. teens tend to wallow in stuff regardless of their situation. giving a lot of attention to the negative and difficult aspects of their lives can make them only focus on their shortcomings. life should be full of joy, at every age. does your daughter get exercise? does she have any extra fun activities that get her out of the house? does she know that you wont think any less of her if her grades never improve? does she know that you consider her to be a complete, awesome individual and that all the help is just to make her feel better, not you? i remember when i was a teen i would have ridiculous beliefs about how my parents felt about me until they told me point blank.

[flc]

She has a lot of problems with low self esteem and this is what her therapist is working with her on. When school performance goes south this just adds to her bad feelings about herself. If I try and help her focus then I tend to reinforce that she is behind but I really can't just ignore the situation. I tell her more than once a day I love her and that will not change no matter what. I have told her I don't expect all As but she is too smart to be failing classes.

 

MY main problem is that I feel so ineffectual, I want to fix things and I can't. My best course of action may be to step back but it is hard for me to do so. In the end I just end of adding to the pressure she is feeling.

 

It is really a desperate feeling when you have a beautiful smart kid who is unable to function at the level she is capable of.

[Peaceful Guy]

how are things going socially for her?

[Devil Inside]

FLC...I do not have teenagers yet...my daughter is only 8. However, I am a family therapist and a father. I also was raised by my father only after my parents divorced.

 

For starters I want to commend you for being there for her. I can tell that you are really trying to be there for her.

 

Going through your parents divorce and moving away from your friends is hard on kiddos. Especially teenage girls. I think it is important that you work closely with her therapist . Have the therapist advise you on strategies that you could be using to support her without pushing her.

 

I totally get what you say about wanting to "fix" things. I am the same way. However, as her father, the greatest tool you have is your relationship and connection with your daughter. Focus not on her behaviors...but on your relationship with her. The stronger your relationship...the easier everything else goes.

 

Good luck.

[flc]

In my case after the divorce my daughter stayed with me and her mother left. We agreed to this as she was in HS and we all thought it was best we did not disrupt her. Her mother has been pushing to get her to live with her since she is having school issues, my daughter does not want to move so this further adds to our stress. I guess at the end of the day I have to focus more on her mental/physical health and less on the school but I hate to see her start off life from behind.

[stanlovesJ]

maybe she smokes weed or does drugs?

[Joie de Vivre]

I have been divorced for over a year and a half now and I have custody of my daughter, my ex lives in Chicago. I was divorced in Jan and my daughter finished that year in school with all As & Bs. The following year, however, she struggled and started failing courses. Recognizing there was a problem I started her in therapy and while this has helped she is still struggling in school this year. On top of this she is about 20lbs under weight and has a lot of problems with her periods including pain that results in her missing more school. I have been taking her to Drs and generally she is healthy and eats well. Her mother was also petite and had problems with her periods.

 

My problem is that she continues to fall behind and is digging a hole she cannot get out of in school. She believes she can catch up but does not put in the effort required to do so. I have tried to be more forceful with her but this has not had any Affect, I have tried to just be supportive and this also has not had much affect. I know that other's have bigger problems with their kids but I feel like I am watching her fall off the train.

 

Anyone have similar issues any advice? My nature is to try and fix things but I cannot fix this and the stress is wearing me down.

 

Thx

 

Instead of therapy, I would suggest hiring a tutor or going to those learning centers to identify specifically what she is struggling with in school.

 

Also, it depends on which grade she is in... I remember my 10th grade was a breeze and 11th grade was more of a struggle since everyone got more competitive

with college prep etc.

 

hope this helps

Edited October 28, 2009 by Joie de Vivre

[melodymatters]

Each child/person is SO different, yet every school treats them the same !

 

It would be like if we ALL had to work in engineering or the arts, when we are wired so differently.

 

My daughter is also 16 ! She is very bright, very artistic, and like her mom has a hard time following rules that have no commen sense basis.

 

In NY, she thrived because it was very creative atmosphere, and she was so bright her teachers loved her. In Florida, all they seemed to care about was the dress code ! My kid was college reading level in 5th grade, in the gifted program, and everyday they would suspend her for some small dress code violation. I was like "HELLO ? Your taking a kid who loved school and did well, whose only rebellion is experiementing with fashion start dreading every day, while the kids on drugs, preganant , getting D's, No prob because they don't have holes in their tights !"

 

So now ? She is in college ! There was a program at out local community college where one can get a HS diploma AND gain college credits, so she takes Engligh 101, etc, and not only does that count towards HS, it's 3 credits.

 

By her 17th B-day, she will have her diploma, 30 credits, and all her pre-reqs done for the major she wants to go into.

 

I am NOT saying that college is the answer for your D, I don't know her, but she IS an individual and perhaps if she was more empowered in her choices, she would start taking more responibility. An arts HS, a vocational program, whatever...

 

Just an idea and good luck to you. 16 is a a HARD age ! So many of us educated parents get too obsessed. Another scenario: she gets lousy grades, gets a PT job and see's how sucky working at subway is, gets into comm college, finds her passion, and starts getting 4.0's and transfers to Harvard !!!!

[flc]

Thanks for all of the replies. She worked hard at the end of the qtr and managed to pull her grades up so nothing below a C. I was very happy with that and let her know.

 

Being a parent, I think is the hardest job you can have. You want so much for your kids and you don't want them to make the same mistakes you made. But as we all know for many things kids have to learn on their own and start to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. It is hard to watch though.

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks for all of the replies. She worked hard at the end of the qtr and managed to pull her grades up so nothing below a C. I was very happy with that and let her know.

 

Being a parent, I think is the hardest job you can have. You want so much for your kids and you don't want them to make the same mistakes you made. But as we all know for many things kids have to learn on their own and start to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. It is hard to watch though.

 

I agree, I can't think of anything harder. Where to draw the line between wanting to "fix" things for my kids and allowing them to stumble so that they'll learn the unforgetable hard lessons is something I still struggle with. I totally get the feeling of helplessness with some issues like self-esteem. And boys. And I'm firmly convinced that daughters are much harder than sons, at least for dads.

 

But I'm very glad your daughter is getting her grades back on track. You sound like a very good father.

[Els]

What sort of docs have you been bringing her to? Experienced gynecologists, I hope?

 

I dunno, but she sounds an AWFUL lot like a PCOS sufferer. What problems does she have with her periods, exactly? The docs all said that it's just normal and unrectifiable???

[flc]

What sort of docs have you been bringing her to? Experienced gynecologists, I hope?

 

I dunno, but she sounds an AWFUL lot like a PCOS sufferer. What problems does she have with her periods, exactly? The docs all said that it's just normal and unrectifiable???

 

There is family history with her period problems both on my side and her mother. Then with her being under weight that does not help either from what I understand. So far she has had a number of tests with her pediatrician and I am working on getting her in to see a gyne. I am finding it hard to get one that will see a girl who is 16. I have found one with an endocrinology background but there is a couple of months wait to get an appointment. No one has said it is unrectifiable but so far the only suggestion was to put her on the pill to regulate things.