ex wants me back, what to do?

[C1]

I've been divorced from my ex for 2 years now. While we were married he was cheating and lying to me, and finally left me. I did love him back then. The situation was even worse for me because this divorce happened at the same time with my parents' death. So I was literally left alone in the world al of a sudden.

It didn't take me a long time to get over him, the abuse was so tremendous, there was really nothing good to remember anymore. And if he wasn't with me at the most difficult time of my life, why would I need him later?

I started dating other people, I wasn't very lucky, being quite inexperienced with men and naive. But when he found out about it, he started calling me and being friendly. Unfortunately I did need any kind of support at that time, not having any other family. But never thought of going back with him, thought it was just friendship.

And one day he got very ill, he was actually dying. Being that he was alone too, he asked me to come and take care of him. I couldn't let him die if I could help it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself after that. So I went and spent a month taking care of him, he gradually got better and I left.

What happens now is he says to me that he changed and he realized that he needs me. I do have warm feelings for him and I assume it could be true that he changed. But I am dating another person, which I like a lot. And I am not sure at this point what I am going to do. My ex says to me that it is very hard for him to be alone waiting for me and he will not wait for more than two months.

I think I care about him, but I don't know how much, I need time to figure things out. However he is not willing to give me this time. And I end up feeling pressured and not free to make my own choices as far as my future goes. I don't want to hurt him, and at the same time I don't want to jump into any committments right now, I am not ready. I don't want him to think that I reject him, this is not the case. But he tells me, that if I don't need him now, I will not need him later. I really don't know, I thought time will show. Don't want to lose him, but what can I tell him? Who is right here and how to solve this so that it is good for both of us?

[midori]

Originally posted by C1

And if he wasn't with me at the most difficult time of my life, why would I need him later?

 

Very good point.

 

What happens now is he says to me that he changed and he realized that he needs me.

 

"He has changed" and "he needs me" are actually two independent statements. One need not hinge on the other. Before he was awful to you, and apparently did not need you. Now he needs you. But could still be awful. What evidence do you have that he has changed, besides the fact that he says he has?

 

 

I need time to figure things out. However he is not willing to give me this time. And I end up feeling pressured and not free to make my own choices as far as my future goes.

 

Hm. Would you say that this is evidence that he has changed for the better? Or is he still thinking first and foremost about himself?

 

But he tells me, that if I don't need him now, I will not need him later.

 

What does that mean? Is he acknowledging that you don't really need him in your life, or is that an ultimatum of some sort?

 

Don't want to lose him,

 

What, exactly, would you lose? A man who doesn't care about how you feel, who just wants you to hurry up and get with his program so that he can have things the way he wants them?

 

but what can I tell him? Who is right here and how to solve this so that it is good for both of us?

 

Well I think I'd tell him "no thanks." But I'm not the one who was/is in love with him. You'll have to figure out how you feel about him. And that should be what guides you. Your job is to make choices that are right for you, not your ex-husband. You have no obligations to him -- much as he might like you to think otherwise. If you did decide to take him back and re-enter a committed relationship with him, then you would have an obligation to bear his wishes and needs in mind. But that's not where you are. In the meantime, what signs has your ex given that he has "changed?" He wasn't concerned with your needs when you two were married... and from what you've said in this post it doesn't sound like he is now.

 

I think you're mistaken to think that there ought to be a solution that will make you both happy. You sound like a very kind person, but there is a difference between kindness and weakness, or kindness and stupidity. I'm not saying that taking him back would be either weak or stupid, necessarily, but you need to think about it and make sure that you're not considering this just because you don't like to say "no," or because you're afraid you won't have any friends in the world if you said "no." Your ex doesn't have a good track record. People can change, but it's usually pretty obvious when they have.

[Iamhappy]

midori - as always, excellent analysis

 

what signs has your ex given that he has "changed?" He wasn't concerned with your needs when you two were married... and from what you've said in this post it doesn't sound like he has now.

 

I have to agree with midori on this 100%. Judging from your post, it still seems to be all about his needs and how you can fulfill them.

 

He's the one who treated you like dirt by cheating, lying and not being there to support you when your parents' died. (Does this guy have brothers? He sounds like he could be related to my ex).

 

He has no right to be issuing ultimatums or to expect more than what you are willing to give him. If anything he should be on his hands and knees kissing the hem of your dress and thanking you profusely for not spitting on him and drop-kicking his fat head when he asked you to take care of him.

 

Clearly, you are too good him. If he has any aspirations at all of becoming a decent human being, you are the closest he's ever going to get. I don't foresee this guy winning any awards anytime soon for selfless, caring human being of the year. Although, he'll get my vote for one more reason to thin the herd.

 

And another thing:

 

My ex says to me that it is very hard for him to be alone waiting for me and he will not wait for more than two months.

 

This is the reason he wants you to be with him? Because he's lonely? What the heck?! Where's the love in this?

 

I'm sorry to say this and God may strike me dead for saying so, but clearly he was allowed to live so that you could see that not even the aspect of impending death has changed this guy into someone who cares about you or what you want. This guy is not worthy of you.

 

You are too good for him.

[C1]

Thank you guys for your replies, they help me very much to figure things out. There's something else I don't understand about his behaviour. He calls me and tells me how bad he feels without me, about his depression, health problems, even suicidal thoughts. I try to help as much as I can. When I start talking to him I am feeling normal, feeling more or less good about myself, active etc., when I finish talking to him I am having a headache, I worry, feel depressed and weak. This happens every time, his complaints get to me. And when I call him back, since I started to be concerned with his condition, to tell him about my feelings or to cheer him up....he doesn't pick up the phone. I don't know if he is doing it on purpose, but this leaves me very messed up. It's like he sucks all my energy from me, and when he gets full, he doesn't need me. That is how I feel at least. So what is he really feeling and why is he doing it?

[midori]

Originally posted by C1

So what is he really feeling and why is he doing it?

 

Wrong question. For a couple of reasons. First and foremost no one here can tell you what he is really feeling, or why he does what he does. You don't know either. We can't know another person's reality. The other reason why this is the wrong question is that your first priority must be you, and how you feel.

 

This is what you report feeling:

 

This happens every time, his complaints get to me. And when I call him back, since I started to be concerned with his condition, to tell him about my feelings or to cheer him up....he doesn't pick up the phone. I don't know if he is doing it on purpose, but this leaves me very messed up. It's like he sucks all my energy from me, and when he gets full, he doesn't need me. That is how I feel at least.

 

You're not getting anything from this man but injections of pain and unhappiness. It doesn't matter if it does him any good -- it's not good for you. And that's what counts.

 

The only reason you're even thinking of taking this guy back into your life is because he claims he has changed. You have no evidence that he has changed; but you have plenty of evidence that he hasn't. If he was trying to sell you another used car, having sold you a lemon in the past, you wouldn't take him at his word. You would give the car a thorough check and if you found signs that it wasn't good, you'd keep on looking elsewhere. That's what you need to be doing now. Funny how people are often much more cautious with their money than they are with themselves and their hearts.

 

One more thing: you say that when you're helping him you feel good about yourself. That just shows you that you like to feel needed and helpful. You can be helpful to other people, in any number of capacities. People who could really use your help. People who will be grateful for it.

 

I think you're just clinging to him because he's a known quantity. For your own sake I think you need to break yourself of that habit. Go out and cultivate some friends for yourself. Be a part of other people's lives. Then you won't have a gaping void that you're so desperate to fill that you'll accept nonsense from a no-good person who just uses you and then doesn't give you a second thought.

[Reckless]

You've had some excellent replies but I would only add that it seems to me that your ex- husband doesn't love you, he needs you.

 

Love is not selfish - you say you need time that you're not ready yet he (thinking of himself) pressures you to make a decision now. If he's 'changed' why isn't he putting your needs/happiness before his own and giving you the time you need?

 

I beg you to take all the time you need, stop contacting him (or allowing him to contact you) while you think about things. Tell him you will take some time (all the time you want) and will contact him when you have made a decision. You are not responsible for his happiness and life and should not bow to 'suicide threats' just point him in the direction of a good mental health expert and consider your part played... He is not your husband - you owe him nothing.