My Ex, The Passive-Aggressive

[Tamia78]

First of all.....Hi!!! What a great site!

I'm a new member here. My name is Tamia, I'm 31, never married, and newly single as of Monday. My ex and I didn't have a long relationship, but it was an intense one. So intense that were were going to soon be engaged (or so I thought). I felt as if he was THE ONE and behaved to him like that. My mistake.

 

See, this is the 1st time I've ever been in a relationship with a passive-aggressive guy. This one really threw me for a loop. I've pretty much been in relationships where I can pinpoint what's going on, and why I need to break up with them, or why they broke up with me. Some of it is me, some of it is them.

 

This one......wow. I'm pretty hurt over him breaking up with me. I've never been with someone who stirs up so many emotions in me, and then blames me for having those emotions, like it's a bad thing. I usually consider myself a very strong woman, but apparently I've been manipulated by him since the beginning of the relationship. I can't imagine WHY someone would do that to a person they supposedly say they love and want to be with them for the rest of his life.

 

My ex has a total Victim complex. To hear him tell it, all of his exes were evil, selfish b*tches. I'm sure I now fall into that category with whomever woman he is now talking to. I know that wasn't the case, but of course he's never wrong. Doesn't matter that he was constantly telling me I doing my girlfriendly duties well enough for him. Doesn't matter that he kept throwing something that happened 6 months ago (No, I didn't cheat, it was something that was pretty small, in my opinion) in my face, making me feel guilty about something that there was nothing to feel guilty about. I was never good enough in his eyes.........even though I did everything he asked. To top that, he made me feel guilty for it!

 

The smart thing would be to break up with him, right? I tried to justify the reasons we should work things out. I mean, he DID say he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. That's pretty important to me. Little did I know, that was another manipulation to get me to do what he wanted. Would he have married me? I think so, but it would be rushed. I wanted a big wedding. Weddings cost money........he didn't have any.

 

Well, he broke up with me in a text message. I know, right? That very morning he was saying "I love you" and all the other normal stuff, then all of a sudden, "we aren't right for each other". Actually, that stemmed from me finally getting some balls and saying that for us to move forward in our relationship, he needed to compromise with me a little. He didn't like that. That means he was doing something wrong.........and THAT can't happen!! I'm pretty sure that's why he left. Welll....that or another woman.

 

Anyways, I can say that was probabaly one of the crappiest relationships I've ever been in, or at least a close second. But I'm still hurting. Why am I hurting when he was just manipulating me during the whole relationship? I should be mad.

 

Has anyone had experience with a PA personality? How did you deal with it? Can you give some examples?

 

Thanks,

 

--T

[Ronni_W]

Hi Tamia.

I'm sorry that he broke up with you by text...no idea how/why some people get the idea that is 'okay' and appropriate

 

It sounds as if you gave away your personal responsibility for whatever emotions you experienced with him -- as if you're blaming him for your emotions, and as if you were the victim of his words and/or actions. Is that how you're seeing it?

 

Same with whatever guilt you decided to feel -- others can't really make us feel one way or another unless we allow them to do that to us. You're right though...some people are better than others, at contributing to our negative self-feelings or self-image.

 

It does sound as if he may have triggered some (a lot of?) "core stuff" for you and, from that perspective it could be that your life will now be more peaceful, internally and externally.

 

But it totally sucks how he did the break-up.

Big hugs.

[brock9911]

well i think breaking up via phone is cowardly. like you said he can never be wrong and cant be talked down to ect... well this was his way of not seeing your reaction and having to deal with the fact the he was wrong.

 

i am curious to know what this incident was a few months back that he kept throwing in your face if you dont mind.

 

on other note, breakups suck, welcome to the club and good luck

[GrayClouds]

Passive Aggressive...I sounds on the verge of emotional abusive relationship. Yes the drama is invigorating and exciting but at the cost of your self esteem.

 

How to proceed read the following and make it your new religion and practice it strictly:

 

The No Contact Guide

[Turista]

"Well, he broke up with me in a text message. I know, right? That very morning he was saying "I love you" and all the other normal stuff, then all of a sudden, "we aren't right for each other". Actually, that stemmed from me finally getting some balls and saying that for us to move forward in our relationship, he needed to compromise with me a little. He didn't like that. That means he was doing something wrong.........and THAT can't happen!! I'm pretty sure that's why he left. Welll....that or another woman."

 

You're living my life. May I suggest this is possibly a narcissist? And to RUN AWAY!

 

In my case, she blamed me for everything wrong with the relationship, held a grudge for over a year stemming from measuring me relative to a rebound partner during a 1 month breakup last year, wouldn't compromise on anything, and in fact broke up with me days after I stood up to her and said if she expected me to be a completely independent soul that could never ask *anything* of her (ya know crazy things like not flirting with other men in bars and ignoring me the rest of the night or telling me where we're going before we leave to go somehere so I can plan accordingly and bring what I need), then I expected the same of her from here on...

 

She then went on a camping trip, got wasted, tore me a new one, and potentially slept with the rebound guy or someone else - that part's not clear nor particularly important. All I know is that I appear to be informally banned from the group that plans those camping trips now so it must have been a doozie.

 

Of course, to my face, she wants to remain friends expecting I guess that I don't know what has since transpired. But don't they all?

[Tamia78]

It sounds as if you gave away your personal responsibility for whatever emotions you experienced with him -- as if you're blaming him for your emotions, and as if you were the victim of his words and/or actions. Is that how you're seeing it?

Hi Ronni,

Well, yes and no. But I see where you are getting at. I can admit that I might be shirking my personal responsibity here. You are right, I shouldn't blame him for my emotions. On the other hand, he did know how to "get" to me, and seemed to use those tools frequently. He was constantly depressed, and it's very hard to deal with a person who wants to be that way. In a way, I do kinda blame him for bringing me down. When you try to be positive, and your ideas or suggestions are just shot down, it does take its toll on even the strongest person.

 

It does sound as if he may have triggered some (a lot of?) "core stuff" for you and, from that perspective it could be that your life will now be more peaceful, internally and externally

.

I totally agree with this. I KNOW I'm not the perfect gf by any means, and I do have my faults. I do think my reactions to him are indications to me that somethings "not quite right" (read: crazy ), and possibly might be something I need to look into for any future success in a relationship.

I appreciate your comments!

 

i am curious to know what this incident was a few months back that he kept throwing in your face if you dont mind.

Brock, before I met him, I go on a trip to Philly with a group of friends (some guys and girls) every year around May. It's always a fun time, we hang out in Philly, go clubbing, take lots of pics, and the like. I had already paid for my plane ticket and hotel room when we met (2 weeks before said vacation). He knew I was going, and didn't like it. He actually broke up with me during the vacation, because he was jealous he couldn't go (couldn't get money in time). He ended up calling me again, and getting back together. I came back with pics to show. Some of the pics were me hugging and cuddling with my guy friends, whom I've known for almost 4 years. They are like brothers to me. That is the whole reason why I showed him the pics. Nothing for him to be suspicious about at all. I do understand that guys don't like their girls taking pics with other guys, but I also had exes that didn't care either way. Granted, we had only been dating for 2 weeks when this happened. He pretty much threw a fit over the pics, practically accused me of sleeping with all the guys, and hadn't let up the entire time we've been dating. Everytime I'd say something about some "questionable" calls from females, or anything that he might need to account for, he'd throw that up in my face.

 

Thanks for all the responses. I've been impleminting the NC Rule. I do have some stuff I need to get from him. He's being cooperative in that reguard, but I would like to get it as quickly and painlessly as possible. I'm very ready to get on with my life!

 

--T

[Tamia78]

In my case, she blamed me for everything wrong with the relationship, held a grudge for over a year stemming from measuring me relative to a rebound partner during a 1 month breakup last year, wouldn't compromise on anything, and in fact broke up with me days after I stood up to her and said if she expected me to be a completely independent soul that could never ask *anything* of her (ya know crazy things like not flirting with other men in bars and ignoring me the rest of the night or telling me where we're going before we leave to go somehere so I can plan accordingly and bring what I need), then I expected the same of her from here on...

 

Wow, you're right! We had some good arguments about him not compromising while I'm bending over backwards. I think our exes should meet.......... They sound like they might acutally be good for each other, lol.

 

--T

[Kaya]

I had already paid for my plane ticket and hotel room when we met (2 weeks before said vacation). He knew I was going, and didn't like it. He actually broke up with me during the vacation, because he was jealous he couldn't go (couldn't get money in time). He ended up calling me again, and getting back together. I came back with pics to show. Some of the pics were me hugging and cuddling with my guy friends, whom I've known for almost 4 years. They are like brothers to me. That is the whole reason why I showed him the pics. Nothing for him to be suspicious about at all. I do understand that guys don't like their girls taking pics with other guys, but I also had exes that didn't care either way. Granted, we had only been dating for 2 weeks when this happened. He pretty much threw a fit over the pics, practically accused me of sleeping with all the guys, and hadn't let up the entire time we've been dating. Everytime I'd say something about some "questionable" calls from females, or anything that he might need to account for, he'd throw that up in my face.

 

WTF? Breaking up with you because you went on vacation and he was jealous.. and he only knew you for 2 weeks?! He sounds very insecure, way to jealous and a little nuts if you ask me.

 

You're better off without him Tamia!

[Tamia78]

WTF? Breaking up with you because you went on vacation and he was jealous.. and he only knew you for 2 weeks?! He sounds very insecure, way to jealous and a little nuts if you ask me.

 

You're better off without him Tamia!

 

Tell me about it, Kaya. He expected me to just sit in my hotel room all vacation and just talk on the phone to him. I mean.......it's my vacation!!! He actually told me I neglected him. Would he want me to constantly text him while he was out visiting his friends, and then get mad when he didn't text me back right then? He said he expected me to go out of the room when he called (like 50 bajillion times), and was upset when he could hear people laughing near me. I sorta see the "having fun without me" angle, but we had only dating for 2 weeks at that time! This was something I do every year. I would've thought he would be more understanding.

 

--T

[Kaya]

Well, hopefully the next time you go on your vacation, you'll be with a guy who is secure enough in himself and is happy for you that you are having a good time.

[Ronni_W]

When you try to be positive, and your ideas or suggestions are just shot down, it does take its toll on even the strongest person.

Yes, I've been in relationships (not just romantic) where others try their 'hardest best' to drag everyone and everything down to the level of their extremely low-level moods and crap. Extremely depleting, exhausting and soul-sucking, it can be.

 

As you say, this guy obviously had his finger on the trigger of your "hot button" issues and, yes, Life/Love does seem to have a way of just delivering the same type of people/experiences over and over again, until we eventually relent and do start to take care of whatever is allowing the "buttons" to exist and be maintained.

 

I'm not reading "crazy" on your side, really...except, perhaps, that you didn't dump his ass the second HE went all mental on you -- for pics of you with your friends(?!?!?), and after only knowing each other a couple of weeks. Maybe not your smartest decision to stick with him at that point?

 

In any event. Good luck with getting all your stuff back, and making NC work for you. And have a terrific weekend, too!

[Tamia78]

Well, I got my stuff back this morning. Went extremely smooth. I'm a little hurt that he seemed so indifferent in the texts, but it's whatever, right? I told him to leave my stuff out on his porch before work. He did, I picked it up......no probs. I'm actually kinda hurt that he didn't at least check on me and make sure I got home ok. We live 3 hours away from each other. Guess he's ready to get rid of me once and for all. This is hard.

 

--T

Edited October 10, 2009 by Tamia78

[sb129]

Yuck your ex sounds like my ex. My ex was a controlling possessive jealous idiot with a victim complex...

 

After I FINALLY got around to getting rid of him (2 miserable years later) I didn't look back for a second.

 

You are well rid of him.

[Tamia78]

the crazy dramatic relationships are the ones that teach you lessons. Basically if you have a crazy dramatic relationship and it strings out over a long term, then you can be certain that a lot of that crazy is actually inside of you. You may be playing the perpetrator or the victim role but either way there is something out of balance in your personality.

 

I definitely agree with this. The trick is how to deal with it.

 

Having a bad day today. Really wanna call him or text, just to ask why he can just get over me like that. Yeah, I know. That's being a whiny little b***h. I won't do it, but the feelings are very strong.

 

Sb--what did you do, that you didn't look back? I feel like I want him back...but I KNOW what kind of person he is!

 

--T

[GrayClouds]

When grappling with the grief goblin s a hard not to look back. The devil you know, worthless ex, start to look better then the devil you don't; how long the pain will last.

 

Remember any contact with him will no give you what you want it will only reinforce the hurt.

 

(now back to my own unproductive inner-personal probing)

Edited October 12, 2009 by GrayClouds

[Tamia78]

When grappling with the grief goblin

 

I tried to say this 3x fast. Didn't work.

 

 

 

(now back to my own unproductive inner-personal probing)

 

GC, you made it through the weekend, and that's definitely something. I thank you for the words of wisdom anyways.

 

--T

[GrayClouds]

wisdom

--T

wisdom???????????? your being way generous

 

tomorrow will be better for all