brokenherz Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Hi, I haven't been here for a while but since I'm dating again I have to come back. I'm not sure why I pick the wrong guys over and over again ever since I'm separated from my husband 4 years ago. How can I be with one men for 15 years but can't keep a new boyfriend for a year? Is something wrong with me or is it with them? My last boyfriend was a womanizer and called me a bi polar person. The new boyfriend calls me a codependent person but he has sex issues and ADD. So here is my deal with the new guy and believe me I need help. Should I go or should I stay is my question again? Please let me know what you think because Loveshack has helped me before and given me good advise. So here is my story with the new guy. I'm dating him since one year. We see each other once a week which is fine because I need my space and he does too. On the other hand I'm asking myself is that a normal relationship just seeing a person once a week? If it is serious or you love each other should you not see each other more? Anyways a big problem in our relationship is the sex. I want it more then him. Occasionally the sex is good. Usually he can't hold on for very long and he gives up. So the sex isn't great but I thought he might need a little longer to connect with me. Often I would break up for this reason (I thought he doesn't like me). I couldn't tell him why but a day later I called him back to be his friend again. So we did that about 3 times. I Had sex with him and broke up until he finally came out of the closet and told me that he was raped as a child and he likes to inflict pain, or control things or wrestle instead of having a normal intercourse. I was so confused and again broke up with him. A day later I called him back and asked him to forgive me and to take me back. Each time I break up with him (which is a way of getting his attention) it is harder to come close again. I understand that. In our last conversation he finally said that we are not compatible and that I wouldn't understand him. We wouldn't last but he wants to be my friend and continue seeing me. I asked him if we still can be boyfriend and girlfriend and he said he will think about it. I told him I might consider checking it out to have a different kind of sex. Now when we don't have sex our relationship is great. We have a wonderful time together and love doing things together and we have energetic conversations. That's why it is so hard to be just friends because we want each other also sexually but it is disappointing. So after my last break up and the weird phone conversation we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks. When I call him he is nice to me and I know he wants to see me again but he doesn't let me know when and it drives me insane. I lost about 5 pounds during this 2 weeks. I got myself drunk one night to forget things. I'm confused about my emotions and I don't know if I should go on with him. I told him I would see a counselor and go to codependents meetings. I also asked him to go with me to a sex counselor. Doesn't it all seem way to complicated? I'm a little embarrassed about how I handle emotions and when I read some of the threats on bi polar it scares me. I know I have mood swings and I know I'm impulsive and say things that I don't mean or regret afterward just so I get attention. I'm not sure if I should see him or for my sake just be without a relationship for a while. I do have a balanced and good live otherwise but I seemed not to get it right with men and believe me I'm beautiful and I have a lot to offer. Why can't I get the right men? I seemed to pick men that need space and have issues on their own. Should I give up with him and work on myself or should I try with him and give it more time. A year is not a long time with a men to know him. Should we go to therapy together? I'm not sure. Sex is important in a relationship if it doesn't work out why should I hold on to him. Why can't I break up? Please help me, because these questions are in my brain and give me sleepless nights. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Wow! I have to tell you that post was very tangential and rambling. How were you feeling when you were writing it? I think that you should probably make an appointment with a therapist. Together the two of you can unravel some of the things that you struggle with. It seems that you have some insight into some of your relationship patterns, but you really need a professional that can help you really see what is going on. As for this man, you seem to have a very turbulent and chaotic relationship with him. I wonder if you are drawn to the drama of it more then the man himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenherz Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 It's true I'm drawn to the drama but I don't want to. I hate it. I've been with a counselor for 3 years but it didn't get anywhere. It feels good at the moment when you talk about your issues and than what? I talked to 3 different counselors and I still feel the same inside. At the moment, my gutt is telling me to break it off and work on myself. It is hard to recognize that we are not meant to be for each other. I guess I don't want to suffer but I will if I stay. I'm not sure how to end it. Usually I stay around and keep on breaking up with the men until they wont call me back. At least it was that way with my last boyfriend. I have the feeling I will do that again. Hopefully I can be mature and since I know what will happen have some dignity and break it off normal. I don't know why I end up going to far. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 i think both you and him need to see a good psychiatrist Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenherz Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 i think both you and him need to see a good psychiatrist that advise doesn't help much. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 on the matter of counseling. Most counselors will be upfront and honest. Most will advise that YOU have to do the work to change and if ya dont, then find a way to cope with the matter. Either way its up to you. Counselors are not going to make you over. That is your task. What they can do, is be that second voice and reason when you need it. I've had three fabulous counselors and from the get go, they made it clear that Its my dime and how much did I want to invest in getting resolutions or work on matters. That was the eye opener! I had to do the work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenherz Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I know I have to work on myself to resolve the codependence issues. I always want to break up with men and than I regret it...I believe too that a counselor is not much help. Anyways my boyfriend took me back and we had a great weekend although he sounds a little angry with me sometimes and things will have to take time again between us. I did my best and I will continue doing my best. I have a feeling though that he has a double life in his hometown or will start one. He is very private and we see each other once a week. He loves woman but he is not much into sex. Woman come to visit him sometimes for 2 or 3 days and I'm not sure what to think of it. He also goes back to his hometown every 3 month for a week or so. He doesn't seem to be the type that cheats but my gut feeling tells me to watch out. My last boyfriend was a big cheater and I'm just so scared to pick the wrong men again. What are some of the red flags? I need my space and I like it when men need space too but hey don't take advantage of me. We shall see what happens. I hope I'm wrong and I hope I wont be so impulsive and break up again when I don't like something he does or says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenherz Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Hahaha, He broke up with me today. I can't believe it after the weekend we had. Well how did he break up? He is going on vacation for 10 days and didn't say good bye to me so I bitched about it. I got angry that he didn't even leave a note per email or call me so he broke up with me. That's it I'm not taking him back and I just have to fight my own Demons right now. I'm stopping dating men for now and focus on myself. I'm very sad but I will get over it. He is not the right men and like I said before I'm a cool chick with some bagage but the right men, strong men will have fun with me. I wont give up but be on the defense for a while. Life sucks sometimes. I'm not afraid of bein alone anymore because I was alone when I was dating the last two guys. I don't want the emotional bull**** anymore. God bye dating. Good luck to everybody. I hope I wont be back in my next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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