Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 If the OP feels she has done nothing wrong (and she has claimed this as one of the stories she goes back and forth with), then why is she so afraid of hurting the currant? If she's done nothing wrong, then why not let the currant guy choose if he wants to know what she's not seeing him any more (if she ever gets to that point)? exactly! if she didn't cheat, then the current guy shouldn't care, should he? Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 exactly! if she didn't cheat, then the current guy shouldn't care, should he? If she didn't cheat she has no duty to tell. Granted, the title/status does seem unclear to all of us in this thread, but the climate is more judgmental than it is helpful. If my GF hooked up with someone else, damn right I would want to know! When I was seeing that girl casually, I did NOT want to know, because it wasn't my business. We were casual. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm here to help her figure out her feelings and to make her own decision. I have no desire to get on her case about any of it. That's what's bugging me. This board is SUPPOSED to be about support, not judgment. Which one do you see more of in this thread? Link to post Share on other sites
ForRealLoveMe Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 If she didn't cheat she has no duty to tell. Granted, the title/status does seem unclear to all of us in this thread, but the climate is more judgmental than it is helpful. If my GF hooked up with someone else, damn right I would want to know! When I was seeing that girl casually, I did NOT want to know, because it wasn't my business. We were casual. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm here to help her figure out her feelings and to make her own decision. I have no desire to get on her case about any of it. That's what's bugging me. This board is SUPPOSED to be about support, not judgment. Which one do you see more of in this thread? But see, by being honest with him, it will help her get past this. Not everyone judged her for her mistake, they are encouraging her to do the right thing about her mistake. She gave him the boyfriend title. She told him they can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. There was an obvious title before that (when she cheated). She claimed she loved him. So I'm failing to see how things were undefined when she made her mistake. So with that said, to me it shows she cheated. And by recognizing that she cheated, lied, and is deceiving this guy - she should own up to what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 But see, by being honest with him, it will help her get past this. Not everyone judged her for her mistake, they are encouraging her to do the right thing about her mistake. She gave him the boyfriend title. She told him they can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. There was an obvious title before that (when she cheated). She claimed she loved him. So I'm failing to see how things were undefined when she made her mistake. So with that said, to me it shows she cheated. And by recognizing that she cheated, lied, and is deceiving this guy - she should own up to what she did. I agree with part of what you're saying. Telling him will help HER get past this but will damage the relationship. Since their status is unclear, I think she should get past this on her own and move forward, on the condition that this never happens again. It's her call, and my original post in this thread says exactly what I think. Maybe forcing the issue is a good thing. Maybe it's better to let it go. I don't know. Her call. To follow up on what Dreamer said, I think it's all about deciding one way or the other. Either you are exclusive or you're not exclusive, there really isn't an in-between, although I understand how it can feel that way. If he's uncomfortable with the bf/gf title, then it's not exclusive and it's open and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and there is no reason to tell him because you didn't cheat and it's none of his F-ing business. If you guys have agreed (mutually, and explicitly) on being exclusive, then yes, you have cheated, and it's your call on whether or not to tell him. On the one hand it might force him to reevaluate his resistance to giving you the title. On the other hand, it might freak him out even more. If I were him, I would probably want to know so you guys can discuss what this means. As I said, it could be the wake-up call he needs. If he doesn't want to call you his gf, he has no right to expect you to act like one. Go with your gut on this one. It sounds like you want to stay with this guy and be with him long-term. What do your instincts tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
ForRealLoveMe Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I agree with part of what you're saying. Telling him will help HER get past this but will damage the relationship. Since their status is unclear, I think she should get past this on her own and move forward, on the condition that this never happens again. It's her call, and my original post in this thread says exactly what I think. Maybe forcing the issue is a good thing. Maybe it's better to let it go. I don't know. Her call. But the relationship was defined enough for her to consider them boyfriend and girlfriend to the point where she told him they can't be that any longer. That is why I disagree with the undefined status. And being honest doesn't have to be damaging. It can be quite beneficial. OP learns to deal with the consequences of her actions. Boyfriend can make a real choice of what he wants. They build better communication if they stay together. They learn to trust each other. Trust comes from honesty, even when something hurtful comes up. If there was no title to begin with. I'd agree with you much more. But it is obvious there was a title when she cheated. Even if there was no title. When you start having sexual contact at the very least with a person, why should communication and honest be thrown out the door? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 This board is SUPPOSED to be about support, not judgment. Which one do you see more of in this thread? I see more people trying to get her to do the right thing...which is break up with her bf....but she won't have any of it. She finally said she will break it off with him, but she has flip flopped so much in this thread, I can smell pancakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 But the relationship was defined enough for her to consider them boyfriend and girlfriend to the point where she told him they can't be that any longer. That is why I disagree with the undefined status. And being honest doesn't have to be damaging. It can be quite beneficial. OP learns to deal with the consequences of her actions. Boyfriend can make a real choice of what he wants. They build better communication if they stay together. They learn to trust each other. Trust comes from honesty, even when something hurtful comes up. If there was no title to begin with. I'd agree with you much more. But it is obvious there was a title when she cheated. Even if there was no title. When you start having sexual contact at the very least with a person, why should communication and honest be thrown out the door? Communication is key, but so is context and judgment calls on what needs to be communicated. Yes, she REFERRED to him to as her bf, but she was also very clear that he wasn't. This bickering is irrelevant. Instead of telling her what their status is, you should ASK HER, which is what I did. She was very clear about their status being vague. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I see more people trying to get her to do the right thing...which is break up with her bf....but she won't have any of it. She finally said she will break it off with him, but she has flip flopped so much in this thread, I can smell pancakes. They are pushing, yelling, attacking, and commanding her to do what they think is right. That's a far cry from helping her figure out her feelings and make her own decision. People in this thread have been trying to micromanage her as if she was their teenage daughter. It's ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
ForRealLoveMe Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Communication is key, but so is context and judgment calls on what needs to be communicated. Yes, she REFERRED to him to as her bf, but she was also very clear that he wasn't. This bickering is irrelevant. Instead of telling her what their status is, you should ASK HER, which is what I did. She was very clear about their status being vague. She made it clear, and changed her story after people started disagreeing with her. She made it clear in her opening post that he was her boyfriend. Why did she tell him "We are not boyfriend and girlfriend any more" if she never felt that way? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 They are pushing, yelling, attacking, and commanding her to do what they think is right. That's a far cry from helping her figure out her feelings and make her own decision. People in this thread have been trying to micromanage her as if she was their teenage daughter. It's ridiculous. Ok then, if I listen to you then I'd have to change my stance. to the OP...do what you want, don't worry about the fallout or how it affects someone you claim to care about. continue to lie to him and keep him in the dark. what he doesn't know won't hurt him right? good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Ok then, if I listen to you then I'd have to change my stance. to the OP...do what you want, don't worry about the fallout or how it affects someone you claim to care about. continue to lie to him and keep him in the dark. what he doesn't know won't hurt him right? good luck with that. It's one thing to tell her what you think she should do, but attacking her because she didn't do it is completely different. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 It's one thing to tell her what you think she should do, but attacking her because she didn't do it is completely different. oh no, she wants to willfully keep him in the dark. she wants to be able to cheat and keep him on a string (ya I know she said she is gonna break up, but I don't believe it.......flip flop) so I say, have at it. she should selfishly keep him in the dark and lie to him. Link to post Share on other sites
fatamus Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 What the f*ck is going on, really? Nobody has any self control or loyalty it seems. Usually I am all about honesty at all times but I think this case is different. Don’t tell him anything, break up with your BF and never speak with your ex or your BF. Don’t give a reason just leave everyone alone change all numbers etc. My money says you wont take any of the advice given here and will end up with one of them. The longer any of this continues the more emotional damage you will cause to everyone. Only IF you decide to go against everyone’s advice (it’s your final choice) only then come completely clean to both of them. Don’t play any of this “I am not with anyone I will break up with both of them and be alone” game to just go back to one or the other because that’s even worse and the truth will come out sooner or later. your a carbon copy of my ex, 99% of your life is lies even to yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 What the f*ck is going on, really? Nobody has any self control or loyalty it seems. Usually I am all about honesty at all times but I think this case is different. Don’t tell him anything, break up with your BF and never speak with your ex or your BF. I agree, I would only go along with not telling the "bf" in principle if she at least breaks it off with him. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Why are you trying to be exclusive? Clearly, neither you nor most of the people in your life are capable of being monogamous. And, you're willing to decieve your new man about it. He should know who he's dealing with. Tell him the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
fatamus Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I agree, I would only go along with not telling the "bf" in principle if she at least breaks it off with him. I am only saying don’t tell the new guy because if she truly sticks to breaking up with him save him the pain that comes with being cheated on and let him keep his dignity. If she stays with the new guy and doesn’t tell him then as a million people have said before me it’s going to end badly, he will find out sooner or later and the guilt will eat her up from the inside. Being cheated on is no joke, you don’t know how serious it is until it happens, some people do become suicidal over it. Break this down: I don’t see any way out of this, it’s a classic wreck that she caused. The ex is a cheater himself, never take back a cheater. The new BF will leave if she tell him anyway if he stays he has no self-worth. Other option is for her not to tell the new BF and live life like nothing happened, and that shows her true colors. Like everyone already have said she has some serious problems and is very weak and selfish, she doesn’t want to be alone and will end up with one of them. And women wonder why men become jaded assh*les, really. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 fabulousC You are so fabulous having two men want you at the same time. You want to increase your level of fabulousness to an all time high? Tell your BF that you cheated on him. It's the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
MarkTwain86 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 same here, I became what I didn't think I would be capable of doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Viscerality Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 I wish my ex told me that she cheated on me. I might have considered a second chance if she cared enough to keep the trust. Instead, I found out by betraying her trust and going into her Facebook and e-mails, to find documented proof of her cheating on me. That sucks. I won't say to tell him, because you already made up your mind. Just know that he'll find out eventually, and prolonging it like this is only going to hurt him more. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Contrary to what's happening in this thread, whoever JOHN D****N is, that was very wrong of you to go and 'grass' up the OP to her boyfriend on facebook. Not only was that really sneaky, but that is bad Karma. Not only that, but you now have her banned from LS. I just want to say that i'm not impressed with you at all. We all make our own mistakes. We all learn from them, but to be honest, there is nothing worse than a grass. So so so low of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 It was up to the OP to decide what she was meant to do. Either way whatever she decided, im sure she woul;d have learned from it. Sorry, but grassing people up is so bang out of order! She gave someone her email address here in confidence to help them when they were going through a hard time, and you really just banged all that trust. While I agree that cheating is wrong, and Im sure the OP knows that, but what you did is just as bad. Shame on you... Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) You're kidding right? Are you saying someone used her personal info to rat Fab out? Wow. That's low. And i bet whoever did it feels moral superiority to Fab, feels that they did the "right thing". Right. The guy kissed another girl in front of her. They've been together two months. Sarcasm: Sure, someone sitting in front of her computer can better then Fab be a judge of what she needs to do. Edited October 21, 2009 by Kamille Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Yep, someone ratted her out. Not kidding, the wee bastard even tried to add me as a friend on facebook ubntil i was like ''who the **** are you'' So so wrong. Whoever you are, John Derre* you should be ashamed of yourself big time. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 what did someone do? Go and find her on facebook and tell her boyfriend? How effin low!!!!!!!!!!! Scum bags! People make me sick and also all of you banging on at a girl who has already made up her mind is pathetic! Say your piece and move on ... banging away at her like you are better than her is not cool ! :/ Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Who is this John Deere, or John Derre or whatever? I don't remember anyone by that name on LS. But if this is true, He should be banned, Permanently!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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