FeelingLonely98 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 That is, of course, if she wanted to come home (& you wanted her), and she left for the OM? Is that a terrible way to try to start to heal the relationship? This question also goes out to women who had what they thought was a "stbxh". Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Difficult. I suppose if she's serious about wanting to come back and is willing to do anything to work on the marriage, then you should. You don't have any clue whether she's contracted anything or not. If she really wants to work things out then she should understand your concerns and agree. I'm also interested in a woman's perspective on this. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Agree with Logik. Odds are that she has nothing, but it is a sign of her willingness to work on the relationship if she does. I am willing to guess that she would ask (or demand) that you do the same if the roles were reversed. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I would schedule one for myself, then let her know what you've done. See what her reaction is. If she wants to do the right thing by your marriage, she should get the hint and schedule one for herself. If she doesn't, on the day of your appointment, let her know your dissappointment that she hasn't done the same. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 No I dont think its asking too much at all. Look at this way...getting back together should be a new start, a clean slate, all the cards on the table. Its an opportunity to be completely honest, walk through the fire. A chance to get all of your fears and anxieties out there in the open and deal with them. Take the tests and put that fear aside. Otherwise, it will just float there. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I went through this in RL although I was the one asking the STBX to get tested and he did and understood my request completely. As a woman answering, I wouldn't be upset if my STBX asked me to get tested. If I had an affair then I could completely relate to where he was coming from with his request. It would be a sign of how committed I was to making the marriage work. I probably would feel even better if he agreed to get tested at the same time (even if he didn't have a relationship) as a sign of his commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I would schedule one for myself, then let her know what you've done. See what her reaction is. If she wants to do the right thing by your marriage, she should get the hint and schedule one for herself. If she doesn't, on the day of your appointment, let her know your dissappointment that she hasn't done the same. Hmmm.. I'm wondering your rationale for this approach. If you're going to drop this on her, and then leave it to her to "get a hint", isn't she also likely to take this as a hint that you've been sleeping with someone else, too? Why would you open by getting yourself tested? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 It's reasonable. You know the HIV among young women is sky high in the inner cities because they dont take care of themselves or even know who they are sleeping with sexually wise! Who knows what this OM has, you need to be sure of her sexual health before you even continue. I think it's just fair, she shouldnt be defensive or angry about it and if she refuses cut her off and forget about her. You dont need the crap. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Hmmm.. I'm wondering your rationale for this approach. If you're going to drop this on her, and then leave it to her to "get a hint", isn't she also likely to take this as a hint that you've been sleeping with someone else, too? Why would you open by getting yourself tested? I agree with you that this might be the impression. I would just tell her that you want her to get tested. Like others have said, if she's committed to the relationship, she should be respectful of your concerns. However, on a practical side, I also think the OP should get tested too! Are you 100% sure your wife was not sleeping with both of you? And even if she agrees to getting tested, how will you know for sure she does? Despite the humiliation, I got tested after my ex left and before I started dating again. Just peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 However, on a practical side, I also think the OP should get tested too! Are you 100% sure your wife was not sleeping with both of you? GOOD POINT ... Though I don't think she was sleeping around prior to the day she told me all - you never know - I may be susceptible. Now, how long typically after the last contact with OM is the time when the STD test will tell if there are any diseases? Would we use condoms for a certain amount of time and then get a 2nd (and presumably final) test? I'm totally serious about these questions! THANKS for the serious input LS friends! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 However, on a practical side, I also think the OP should get tested too! Are you 100% sure your wife was not sleeping with both of you? And even if she agrees to getting tested, how will you know for sure she does? Despite the humiliation, I got tested after my ex left and before I started dating again. Just peace of mind. Completely agree. I was only questioning why the poster suggested leading with this approach in the interaction with the STBX, as I think it sets that interaction off on a weird dynamic. I completely agree with the wisdom of going ahead and doing it, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 How about asking my stbxw WHEN she first had s.ex with the OM. I would like to know if it was before or after my last time with her. I could tell her the reason I want to know --> So I could know if I was exposed to any possible disease. If she is certain she wants a D then she should tell me, eh? If she wants to reconcile she should want to be truthful and honest and come cleran - so to speak, right?. Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 The only way i would even consider reconciling would be with her being fully commited to rebuilding the trust between us. That would mean not only getting tested, but telling me all the who's when's and wheres so i could decide what i could and couldn't accept. Any refusal would be an immediate deal breaker. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Completely agree. I was only questioning why the poster suggested leading with this approach in the interaction with the STBX, as I think it sets that interaction off on a weird dynamic. I completely agree with the wisdom of going ahead and doing it, though. I understand your point too! It seems a passive approach that could give the wrong implications. How about asking my stbxw WHEN she first had s.ex with the OM. I would like to know if it was before or after my last time with her. I could tell her the reason I want to know --> So I could know if I was exposed to any possible disease. If she is certain she wants a D then she should tell me, eh? If she wants to reconcile she should want to be truthful and honest and come cleran - so to speak, right?. Advice? You have a right to ask these questions especially if there is a possible reconciliation. However, no matter how she answers, you will never know 100%. Get tested! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 I guess even though I feel she started the affair after our last time having s.ex - HOW do I really know? Maybe she started much earlier. Maybe there were others. Where do you go to get the "tests"? Do you have to go to your PCP 1st? Or just a clinic and sign up for it? Link to post Share on other sites
whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I guess even though I feel she started the affair after our last time having s.ex - HOW do I really know? Maybe she started much earlier. Maybe there were others. with all the girlfriends i had, i always insist on an STD test ( the fully Monty including HIV). it depends which sort of people you meet, all of them agreed and they seemed happy with it as well as it is the responsible thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 with all the girlfriends i had, i always insist on an STD test ( the fully Monty including HIV). it depends which sort of people you meet, all of them agreed and they seemed happy with it as well as it is the responsible thing to do. How do you just go get an STD test. Do you just walk in to a clinic and pay them? Don't you need a Drs. orders before the lab will run the test? Link to post Share on other sites
seraphim mom Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Hey I just glanced and saw your posting so I wanted to put in my 2 cents.this is comming from a fomer military healthcare worker, you need to get tested a.s.a.p since in lots of people stds do not show symptoms, since you do not know your stbxw started getting jiggy with the om you can never be to careful. You can make a appt with you pcp and get everything blood test for aids, physical inspection I.e looking for suspicious bumps etc, and what we in the military call being rodded.....also you might be able to ask for some anti biotics and anti virals just in case if you have genuine fear and suspicion you have been exposed to something....good luck and if she does come back make it a requirement that she does it before you 2 hop into bed together, show her your test results saying you are clean and say I did this for us so you can too. Link to post Share on other sites
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