AppleGirl Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Can you guys give me your opinions about this? It is a topic that bothers me and has been at the forefront of my relationship. To quickly recap, I am 35 and so is he, both previously divorced and now engaged. I recently tried to kick him out because he lied about watching porn. This has been a loooong suffering saga with porn. Porn is the bane of my existence. To clarify, he is not an OCCASIONAL porn watcher. He is an hours at a time, downloading it to his computer, watching it all weekend long when it is family time, watching it when I am willing to put out at any time, watching it when he is watching our small children at home all by himself porn watcher. So, don't tell me that this is "normal" and "all guys do it" because it falls under the obsessive category. We have actually been to counselling for this and the psychologist said to devote this much time and energy to something like this was "detrimental to yourself and detrimental to your relationships" I guess the problem I am having, is that I feel worthless inside. I feel undesirable. I constantly feel that I have to "out porn" the porn to keep him interested in our sex life. So, consequently, ANYTHING (short of scat play) goes in our relationship. Seriously, I mean anything. I feel degraded and embarrassed that I do these things for him, but I feel that is the only way to keep him interested in sex with me as opposed to the porn. Honestly, I am like a walking porno. I frequently feel angry and resentful during sex. I don't want to do these things a lot of the time. It's just so over the top. *sigh* It makes me feel bad about myself. I feel that the "real" me is not good enough and that I have to be this twisted and perverted version of myself. He claims that he is attracted to me, that *I* am what he wants...but if that is true, then why doesn't he watch porn with 35 yr old, chubby women in it? He watches Jailbait porn, where you could break them in half....not quite me, that's for sure. Yet, that is what gets him hard and he strokes his c@ck and gets off to it. It almost feels like he's cheating on me, like all I get are the "leftovers" because he dedicates all his time and attention to these fantasy waifs. I am so sad. You have no idea. I just feel so worthless inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Juniper22 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Since you all have been to counseling about this, and the counselor clearly stated what it was or could be doing to himself and the relationship, then there isn't alot you can do. I understand you're upset and hurt. However, you can NOT change him. I'm by no means saying you have to accept his behavior, I'm saying you can't do anything about it. He will have to make these changes within himself. It may take him hitting rock bottom, and losing things or even you to wake him up. And even losing someone sometimes to a a person that has a true addiction, there is no real garuntee it will change things for him. So what has the counselor told or suggestion for YOU to try. You gotta worry about yourself and the kids, not him. He has to save himself. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I went back and read your other thread, and all I can say is wow. And then why? Why do you stay with him? You say it is love, yet nothing from his side shows love. He uses you as his real porn star to act out what he sees on video. And on the other thread, you mention how he chats online with other women. With his porn habit, do you really think he is just being friendly and nothing more? I can understand how guys can use porn for a release once in awhile, but I am with the counselor, if this controls his life so much, then how can there be room for you or the family? In the other thread, you mention that you are sad for what this will do to the children if you leave him. Have you considered what his watching of porn in front of the children is doing to them? Do you realize how this will warp their sexual tastes and habits? Do you realize that the girl will accept being a sexual toy and the boy will assume that women are sexual toys? So many issues with his addiction. And so many that affect you and the children. While I know it is difficult to love someone who you love, this is one of those times to not go further. You live together but are not married. And then I read that you are also trying to have a baby with him. Again, why? Please, please reconsider why you would stay with him if even the counselor considers his addiction so detrimental to his life and his family's life. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 You telling him, didn't do it. A counsellor telling him, didn't do it. You doing whatever he wants, didn't do it. Nothing is ever going to do it, until he decides it's got to be done. Until then, you either have to continue living with it - or throw him out. You have no other choices. At all. And him watching porn while he's watching the kids, and he gets off on 'jailbait'....? Talk about RED FLAGS....!!!! Sorry hun. I've said time and time again, that there are two sides to every story, I'm very open minded, I try to consider things unsaid and unexplained....but this? He's got to go. HE HAS GOT TO GO. Then, you can start living your life for you, and get back your self-esteem, again. Until then, hell is all you have. So, choose. Is this what you see yourself sticking with until the grave? Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 You already said you felt unworthy. So is that why you stay? Are you so low on self esteem you feel you deserve to be in this situation? Because you don't. And neither do those kids! I hope that you're not so co dependent and you feel you can not break free from this situation. He is not holding you there, you are. If you are tired of all of this, set yourself free and the kids. You can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Its tough to stand back and watch a loved one do something to themselves, that YOU can not control. Give up what you can't control, which is him and his behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Very simple....as Tara said, he has to go. The man needs serious help, an SA group or possibly personal counseling. I'm sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Yes, he needs help badly..But, is he willing to actually GO see somebody to help him rid of his porn addiction? He needs to suffer some consquences..He chooses PORN, he loses YOU. He cannot have it both ways..It's killing you, and what you feel for him..Aka, killing the relationship. Just know that the porn isn't about you..It's all about him. I'm sure he does love you, alot, but he can't control his habit, it's out of control. Sorry you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Yes, he needs help, clearly, but so do you for staying with a guy like this. In codependent relationships, of which this is one, one person is the enabler, and that is you, unfortunately. It doesn't look like he is capable of real change, so that means the change needs to come from you. Either you accept his porn obsession, or you leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Oh hell no! I know how degrading this feels. I have an aversion to it too. Especially when it is a chronic problem. We cannot compete with porn stars, so there is no need to try. It is only going to feed his perversion if you continue to oblige him. Like someone else implied he has to lose you in order to come to his senses that you are not going to live in a relationship that involves his obsession with porn. Especially with such young girls. I would be concerned about my kids as well. Not implying he would get any perverse ideas, but you need to be aware that it is an addiction, and it can lead to worse behavior. Woman to woman...don't degrade yourself to satisfy anyone. His obsession has nothing to do with anything you are, or anything you have done. It is his sickness that is not going to get better without professional help. In fact it would probably be best if you don't try to fulfill his fantasies until he gets some help. All my best... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 He isn't going to make the changes that will help you have a happier outlook on life, so you need to make then changes that will help you have a happier outlook on life. He is never going to be the man you need him to be. Never. It is absolutely necessary to begin an 'ending' process rather than killing yourself with a 'maintaining' process. You have nothing to lose but the way he makes you feel so horrible about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Anyone that puts the internet about relationships with real people likely needs counseling, especially when it's so hurtful to his or her SO. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I am so sad. You have no idea. I just feel so worthless inside. You ever catch him at it and give him a good BJ? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Applegirl He is NO WHERE near normal. But you wont realize this until you find a guy who doesnt need porn, and likes to have normal sex with YOU. Which is most guys. Bail on this one, you can try all you want, but you will never be able to live up to - and catch up to the perverse culture that is the porn world. He wants to live in a dream world, and you keep waking him up. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Honestly, I am like a walking porno. I frequently feel angry and resentful during sex. .... He claims that he is attracted to me, that *I* am what he wants...but if that is true, then why doesn't he watch porn with 35 yr old, chubby women in it? He watches Jailbait porn, where you could break them in half....not quite me, that's for sure. Well it sounds like he's got an unrealistic view of what he's able to actually attract and keep in a woman. It sounds like you're realistic and admit you're not a slim hot woman any more, so if that's the case why don't you lose some weight? Hit the treadmill and whatnot? You'll feel better no matter what. As for him. He needs to improve himself and get with women he finds attractive or he should help you get slimmer. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Can you guys give me your opinions about this? It is a topic that bothers me and has been at the forefront of my relationship. To quickly recap, I am 35 and so is he, both previously divorced and now engaged. I recently tried to kick him out because he lied about watching porn. This has been a loooong suffering saga with porn. Porn is the bane of my existence. To clarify, he is not an OCCASIONAL porn watcher. He is an hours at a time, downloading it to his computer, watching it all weekend long when it is family time, watching it when I am willing to put out at any time, watching it when he is watching our small children at home all by himself porn watcher. So, don't tell me that this is "normal" and "all guys do it" because it falls under the obsessive category. We have actually been to counselling for this and the psychologist said to devote this much time and energy to something like this was "detrimental to yourself and detrimental to your relationships" I guess the problem I am having, is that I feel worthless inside. I feel undesirable. I constantly feel that I have to "out porn" the porn to keep him interested in our sex life. So, consequently, ANYTHING (short of scat play) goes in our relationship. Seriously, I mean anything. I feel degraded and embarrassed that I do these things for him, but I feel that is the only way to keep him interested in sex with me as opposed to the porn. Honestly, I am like a walking porno. I frequently feel angry and resentful during sex. I don't want to do these things a lot of the time. It's just so over the top. *sigh* It makes me feel bad about myself. I feel that the "real" me is not good enough and that I have to be this twisted and perverted version of myself. He claims that he is attracted to me, that *I* am what he wants...but if that is true, then why doesn't he watch porn with 35 yr old, chubby women in it? He watches Jailbait porn, where you could break them in half....not quite me, that's for sure. Yet, that is what gets him hard and he strokes his c@ck and gets off to it. It almost feels like he's cheating on me, like all I get are the "leftovers" because he dedicates all his time and attention to these fantasy waifs. I am so sad. You have no idea. I just feel so worthless inside. Hey, based on what you've shared, you get a pass on this subject, unlike so very many women who are just plain clueless on the topic. YOUR GUY has a major problem and it is independent of you. You are merely the person seemingly stuck with his problem. For your own sake, youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu should independently seek resolution of your own low feelings as the result of something that in this case is entirely his problem. It is no reflection on you whatsoever when the man's obsession runs so deep. If money and time were no object, and I were in your shoes, I would want someone to tell me to see a therapist independently of him, just to resolve the issues that are within your control, in order so that you will either somehow better adjust to the others, or evolve to leave the engagement/relationship. DO NOT get married with all of this hanging over you - at least fate has spared you of being there yet. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Yes, he needs help, clearly, but so do you for staying with a guy like this. In codependent relationships, of which this is one, one person is the enabler, and that is you, unfortunately. It doesn't look like he is capable of real change, so that means the change needs to come from you. Either you accept his porn obsession, or you leave him. Couldn't have said it better myself. You enable by staying - the only way out of this is to leave. He won't change. If you're feeling like this now~ imagine what your marriage will be like in 10 years, 20 years! Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Oh, that's awful. Really it is. He has an addiction, the very fact that he would rather devote all his spare time to this, irks me. Occaissional porn use is acceptable, but this is obsessive. He has a problem. And this problem is a seperate issue from you. If the thought that this addiction could end or ruin your relationship hasn't changed him, I'm not sure what will. He needs to want to do it. He needs to admit he's got a problem, and deal with it through counselling. If it means removing the internet, so be it. But he needs to do it for you, and your relationship. He needs to understand why he is like this, to be able to change it. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I also have to agree, you may have to leave. This isn't working for you, and I feel bad you feel so bad. He may never change, he hasn't shown any signs he wants to. I'm going to be honest, I had a little thing whereby porn was the only thing that turned me on etc etc, I saw what that was doing, and stopped immediately. Because I cared, if he cared, he would stop. It's not impossible, he has self control right? Link to post Share on other sites
Jaytb Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 dude's an addict. Doesn't have anything to do with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts