lucky89 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Hi all, I have a pretty major issue on my hands and I really don't have anyone to talk to about it because no one I know really understands nor cares. Here's the situation. I met my boyfriend while he was in the U.S about 4 years ago and we've been talking/practically together ever since(we've dated other people but we always come back to each other because no one fills the void). The only thing is is that we have not been able to spend more than 2 weeks together because of the distance and our work schedules etc. Lately, I have been becoming really upset because I want to date, but I don't want to date anyone else without knowing how we would be we were actually in a real relationship and able to spend real time together. I don't want to have to deal with the mystery of not knowing how we could have been as a couple. I am in college, and he has a full-time job and an apartment and bills to take care of. The last time I saw him was when I went to England is December, which I am doing again this upcoming December. I can't help but feel that it is unfair that I am going twice in a year and he hasn't come here at all since Summer 2008. He gets upset when I say this because he believes I should understand that he has a full-time job, bills, an apartment, and a bunch of expenses, while I still live with my parents and don't pay any bills. He thinks it would be easier for me to do things like this because I don't have much responsibility as of now, which is true. Am I being too hard on him or should I understand his point more? Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 You might be a little hard on him. You're in school, so you can visit him during your breaks. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 It's true that you have more vacation time than he does - however I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to visit you at least once a year - he must get at least 4-5 weeks vacation from work during the year! When you visit him, do you pay for yourself, or does he contribute? i.e. are you the only one investing financially in your meetings? If so, that's a bit of a red flag imo. Since you're probably on vacation from college right through the summer, wouldn't it be possible to spend a couple of months living with him (maybe next year) and see how things pan out? Also, how do you plan to solve the distance problem in the longer term? Will he come to live with you, or vice versa? Do you think that one of you would be able to get a work visa for the other person's country, or would you have to get married? And have you thought about leaving family and friends behind? Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Hi all, I have a pretty major issue on my hands and I really don't have anyone to talk to about it because no one I know really understands nor cares. Here's the situation. I met my boyfriend while he was in the U.S about 4 years ago and we've been talking/practically together ever since(we've dated other people but we always come back to each other because no one fills the void). The only thing is is that we have not been able to spend more than 2 weeks together because of the distance and our work schedules etc. Lately, I have been becoming really upset because I want to date, but I don't want to date anyone else without knowing how we would be we were actually in a real relationship and able to spend real time together. I don't want to have to deal with the mystery of not knowing how we could have been as a couple. I am in college, and he has a full-time job and an apartment and bills to take care of. The last time I saw him was when I went to England is December, which I am doing again this upcoming December. I can't help but feel that it is unfair that I am going twice in a year and he hasn't come here at all since Summer 2008. He gets upset when I say this because he believes I should understand that he has a full-time job, bills, an apartment, and a bunch of expenses, while I still live with my parents and don't pay any bills. He thinks it would be easier for me to do things like this because I don't have much responsibility as of now, which is true. Am I being too hard on him or should I understand his point more? Does he still work when you come down? I think its reasonable that he should share the expenses, but if he doesn't get vacation time it might be pretty hard to go without a weeks wages. At my job I don't get any vacation time and if I don't work I don't get paid and I could never get a full week off. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 It's true that you have more vacation time than he does - however I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to visit you at least once a year - he must get at least 4-5 weeks vacation from work during the year! When you visit him, do you pay for yourself, or does he contribute? i.e. are you the only one investing financially in your meetings? If so, that's a bit of a red flag imo. Most people don't get that much vacation time in the US. At my last job I started with 1 week and had to work there like 10 years to get 4 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Most people don't get that much vacation time in the US. At my last job I started with 1 week and had to work there like 10 years to get 4 weeks. Wow, really? I get 4 weeks a year...the OP said her guy is in the UK, I'd think it's more like Oz than the US. Hope so, 1 week... Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Wow, really? I get 4 weeks a year...the OP said her guy is in the UK, I'd think it's more like Oz than the US. Hope so, 1 week... O i misread i thought the boyfriend was in US Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 In the UK, minimum holiday entitlement is 4 weeks plus bank holidays Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 In the UK, minimum holiday entitlement is 4 weeks plus bank holidays Yep, I just looked it up, 28 days legally required, including bank holidays. It's 20 days plus 10 public holidays here. The US it's none. Well that sucks... Unless he's not working full time with a salary, as in casual work where people don't have the same entitlements, I'd have to say he has more than enough time to go there at least once a year. Unless it's the financial aspect of it, IMO it's unfair of the OP to be expected to put in all the effort, money etc. Link to post Share on other sites
darkNpretty Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 If it was me then I wouldnt feel happy about always being the one making the effort. Like someone mentioned above - could one of you move to live with the other one? If I was in love with him then I would go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Azn117 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 If your bf really doesn't have sufficient work leave, then I think it would be unfair to expect him to fly to the states to visit you. Also, as a college student shouldn't you have relatively lengthy breaks to visit him? I know I do. Why haven't you been able to be with him for longer than 2 weeks at a time? I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you - bf works, bills etc. while I am still at university far far away. We see each other once a year and while I'd be more than happy to be the one making trips to see him, it has to be alternated. Simply because my parents do (and would) not approve of me travelling there all the time without him coming here. As such, for him to visit me he has to pool all his work leaves and take an extended vacation - 30 days - which leaves him with no remaining days should he need it. I'm grateful that he'd do that for me, because I know arranging all that plus everything else is more hassle than if I were to go over to him. Anyway, point is, I feel that if you have no obstacles (e.g. parents) preventing you from being the one going to see him instead of vice versa, then you should be glad to be able to do so. After all, it's much nicer not having to live under your parents' roof! Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Most people don't get that much vacation time in the US. At my last job I started with 1 week and had to work there like 10 years to get 4 weeks. The OP said her bf is in the UK, where, as someone else pointed out, minimum holiday entitlement is 28 days plus bank holidays. 28 days actually works out as more than 4 weeks holiday though, because a working week is only 5 days long, so really 28 days holiday = 5 weeks and 3 days (plus bank holidays) as an absolute minimum. So I don't see any reason why the OP's bf couldn't visit her, given that he has over five weeks holiday per year. It sounds rather like he's making excuses for some reason... Are you the one spending money to visit him? Perhaps he doesn't want to fork out to visit you? Or maybe he just can't be bothered? I'd be very wary of someone who didn't want to spend time with my family and visit me in my home etc. I don't mean to be rude, but are you sure he's actually your bf and you're in an exclusive and committed relationship? Or is he some guy you met on holiday, spent some time with, kept in touch with, and visited a few times? Do you spend much time together on the phone/internet? Talk every day, mail gifts, etc? I ask because he doesn't seem very committed given that you hardly see him and he doesn't visit you. Also, you have the issue of what you're going to do long term... have you talked about it? You're probably aware of this, but neither the UK nor the USA are particularly easy to get a work visa for, unless you're educated to a very high level or work in a certain type of professional job. What are your plans for the longer term? Would you be prepared to get married if neither of you could get a work visa? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 The OP said her bf is in the UK, where, as someone else pointed out, minimum holiday entitlement is 28 days plus bank holidays. 28 days actually works out as more than 4 weeks holiday though, because a working week is only 5 days long, so really 28 days holiday = 5 weeks and 3 days (plus bank holidays) as an absolute minimum. ? Just to clarify - it's 28 days including bank holidays (or 20 days plus the 8 bank holidays). Still more than enough time to visit though. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) I think you're wasting time in this relationship. Edited October 9, 2009 by westernxer Link to post Share on other sites
Shucky Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Me and my girlfriend are in the exact same situation geographically wise - however we did get chance to be together whilst she was here during her year abroad. To be honest I think you both have to commit finance and time as to when and where you can go - sometimes its better for one party to do a couple of journeys and then it may be better for the other. USA- UK is so far and 2 weeks or whatever does just completely fly by, I guess taking a full summer is the best advice - its our target for summer 2010 :-D Link to post Share on other sites
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