55XL 33BR Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Well I guess I write here in search of guidance, or something else. I guess I honestly don't know why I am writing here... About 6 months ago my ex boyfriend and I separated ways, and promised to never speak to each other again. It was a very intense and emotionally breaking "break", and we felt it healthier to both leave each other's lives. For good. I lied to him about something, and obliterated our trust...something I regret to this day (and no, it wasn't cheating.) I was his first love. The relationship started on volatile grounds...I ended up saving him from a suicide attempt and the relationship began as a friendship and traversed into a romantic attachment. It was an intense, passionate relationship burning our very quickly, I assume. I was 22, he was 20. Couple weeks ago, after 6 months of complete silence, he broke our promise and contacted my bestfriend asking if he could have my new number. He asked her if she thought a friendship would be healthy for me, and that he wants to be apart of my life rather than a distant stranger. I have mixed feelings about this as I am still very much IN love with him. I am unsure of his motives. I would like your feedback on this matter...and hopefully your heartfelt guidance. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Dont do it, he wants to try again. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Like the previous poster said, chances are he hasn't forgotten you either and is testing the waters to see if he can rekindle something with you. Given that it sounds that the break up was mainly because of what you did, and you say you're still in love with him... I guess you have to consider whether you would want to be with him again? If the answer is yes... then go for it, but try to figure out what his intent is sooner rather than later. If he really, truly only wants to be friends, I would go NC again. You can't handle that while you're still in love with the guy. Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
tryagaintoday Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 - can you see the problems that caused the break up initially solving? - can you see sharing your future with him and him with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 55XL 33BR Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 thank you all for the advice. i just don't know what to do. to answer the last two questions...yes and yes. I sought therapy to help with my insecurity and am still working on it. that was a major problem and he meant that much to me that I sought therapy so it would never happen again. Just seems amiss...friends after 6 months of no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
tryagaintoday Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 thank you all for the advice. i just don't know what to do. to answer the last two questions...yes and yes. I sought therapy to help with my insecurity and am still working on it. that was a major problem and he meant that much to me that I sought therapy so it would never happen again. Just seems amiss...friends after 6 months of no contact. then can you follow Arabella's advise and talk to him about it? If he only wants to be friends and nothing more, then forget it really. Else, I wish you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 then can you follow Arabella's advise and talk to him about it? If he only wants to be friends and nothing more, then forget it really. Else, I wish you all the best! Yes and be prepared for him to hem and haw about it. If he knows he will lose your attention, he might try to smooth talk without saying "yes I only see you as a friend". Link to post Share on other sites
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Well I guess I write here in search of guidance, or something else. I guess I honestly don't know why I am writing here... About 6 months ago my ex boyfriend and I separated ways, and promised to never speak to each other again. It was a very intense and emotionally breaking "break", and we felt it healthier to both leave each other's lives. For good. I lied to him about something, and obliterated our trust...something I regret to this day (and no, it wasn't cheating.) I was his first love. The relationship started on volatile grounds...I ended up saving him from a suicide attempt and the relationship began as a friendship and traversed into a romantic attachment. It was an intense, passionate relationship burning our very quickly, I assume. I was 22, he was 20. Couple weeks ago, after 6 months of complete silence, he broke our promise and contacted my bestfriend asking if he could have my new number. He asked her if she thought a friendship would be healthy for me, and that he wants to be apart of my life rather than a distant stranger. I have mixed feelings about this as I am still very much IN love with him. I am unsure of his motives. I would like your feedback on this matter...and hopefully your heartfelt guidance. I'm confused. If you're in love with him why did you never want to speak to him again? Were you just going with it and secretly hoping he'd come back in a way? Because that's what it sounds like. Just clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I'm confused. If you're in love with him why did you never want to speak to him again? Maybe it hurts to keep in touch with someone you love that doesn't want to be with you anymore... Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Maybe it hurts to keep in touch with someone you love that doesn't want to be with you anymore... Arabella Their break up was 'mutual'. And he's made it clear he wants to be back in her life if he's making contact like this. So what you said wouldn't (shouldn't) be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
unclarity Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 the real question here is: are you ready for being just friends with him? because if you are not and is 100% sure that friendship is all he wants, then i would tell u not to put urself trough this, u know? but if u're ready to be friends and to have him back in ur life than do it. I'm in a similar position, my ex wants to be friends and only friends, and i decided i cant do this, no right now. u said the break up was mutual and that u did smth he coulndt forgive, maybe he can now? i dunno, maybe he wants to start being friends so he can learn how to trust u again, what do u think? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Their break up was 'mutual'. And he's made it clear he wants to be back in her life if he's making contact like this. So what you said wouldn't (shouldn't) be the case. I'm not sure I would call that a mutual break up, given that she made it clear that it was her actions that led to it. They wouldn't be breaking up if everything was peachy and he wanted to be with her still. But regardless... Even if he has made contact, she doesn't know what his true intent is. For all we know, he really only wants to be friends... Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
unclarity Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I'm not sure I would call that a mutual break up, given that she made it clear that it was her actions that led to it. They wouldn't be breaking up if everything was peachy and he wanted to be with her still. But regardless... Even if he has made contact, she doesn't know what his true intent is. For all we know, he really only wants to be friends... Arabella exactly! and thats why i think she needs to be sure if she can handle being just friends before deciding to talk to him again, cause if she is not ready for that yet it can get really messy. Link to post Share on other sites
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 It was a very intense and emotionally breaking "break", and we felt it healthier to both leave each other's lives. For good. I understand that she may have been the cause of the break up. But this statement here is what I'm talking about. She makes it seem like the breakup, the seperation, was mutual. However, I think a more realistic way of saying it all is: he dumped her and didn't want to talk to her anymore, and she had to accept it because she had no other choice. There actually wasn't anything mutual about it. It may be painful to look at it like that, but hey. If that's the case then I would have to agree with Arabella. Clearly she's still in love with him, but she needs to figure out his intentions. That can only be done by talking. So in short: talk to him. Stop acting like the two of you are strangers. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Tell him no and move on with your life. There's no real benefit from being friends with an ex. And it's never really a TRUE friendship anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 However, I think a more realistic way of saying it all is: he dumped her and didn't want to talk to her anymore, and she had to accept it because she had no other choice. There actually wasn't anything mutual about it. That was my point exactly. Sounds to me like since it was clearly her actions that triggered the break-up, she really didn't have much of a say or choice in the matter. Which, in turn possibly lead to her not wanting to talk to him because it hurt. And I have to agree with Caliguy... unless he's really doing this to get close to her and see whether it is possible to give their relationship a second shot, I really don't see why she should put herself through the pain of trying to be friends with the guy when she's still in love... Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Yeah I wouldn't recommend trying a friendship with him, especially since she's in love with him still. But talking to him and figuring out his intentions would be a big step forward. No one can say for certain what he wants until he says it himself. I wouldn't just write him off like that before figuring out what he's thinking. Especially if she still loves him after this time inbetween. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Hey snpjr, Are you still around? Give us an update on what did you end up finding out Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
Author 55XL 33BR Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) Hello everyone. I still have not contacted my ex, but it seems as though he only wants to be friends from some of my own investigations. He apparently has been dating a different person for the past 4 months. The break was mutual between us 6 months ago. So, it seems as though a friendship is all he is targeting for, or at least it is what it seems since he is "crazy" in love with this new person and this person is "stunning in every single way." (I spoke to a friend of his, who quotes those) About a week ago, he sent me an e-mail asking to "rebuild" our friendship and that a lot of things are reminding him of me. The e-mail was very nice and seemed he wrote it with the best intentions. He asked for my new number and was looking forward to hearing back from me. Therefore he has now contacted three of my friends and now, me. It just doesn't settle right, if he's moved on and what I did to him 6 months ago was devastatingly trust shattering (I lied to his face and swore I wasn't lieing)...why on Earth would he want to be friends? Possibly not as happy as he puts himself off to be? Edited October 16, 2009 by snpjr Link to post Share on other sites
fatamus Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 If your still in love with him all you can do is ask for forgiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 55XL 33BR Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 he forgave me a week later, the reason we decided not to speak was because it would be too painful...for both of us. He was still in love, but coud no longer trust. Before we both started to date, we were best friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 55XL 33BR Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 So, what should I do? Friends? Nothing? What do you guys think? My post before last should shed some light...he is currrently dating, but wants to rebuild a friendship... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 So, what should I do? Friends? Nothing? What do you guys think? My post before last should shed some light...he is currrently dating, but wants to rebuild a friendship... You didn't hear me last time so I'll say it again. NO. Especially not if you still have feelings for him. What benefit is a friendship with him for YOU? Answer: Nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
honeypear Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Ok I have a question. I have done the same thing recently. I broke up with my ex over something that was completely my fault. I lied to him and he broke off our engagement saying its over. Yet we still talk to each other every day on Skype. Not on the phone, we don't text each other anymore. He wants us to still be friends and friends with benefits. I am soo confused about the situation. It has only been 2 weeks. The conversations have been polite, uncomfortable. We still have sex chats and phone sex once. Can you see why I am confused? He said he does not want me yet still wants me. I love him and I just want my best friend back and if we are still together intimately yet not as a proper couple I am okay with that just not sure what could be going through his head. I have accepted full responsibilty for what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 you can not be friends with someone you are in love with. plain & simple. Link to post Share on other sites
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