Changes to your marriage after babies?

[sb129]

Have just been at a baby shower this afternoon, and we were talking about the impact being pregnant has on your marriage/ relationship.

 

I have noticed that over the last couple of weeks H and I have both been a little stressed, and its hard for us to appreciate the others anxiety about the impending birth, as we are obviously anxious about different things.

 

We have talked about it together, as much as we can, although we are trying to maintain some level of alternative conversation topics too!

I am predicting that with a newborn in the house that some level of stress probably isn't going to disappear anytime soon.

 

Another mother at the baby shower said that things change quite a bit after you actually have the baby (obviously) and I meant to ask her to elaborate, but the conversation topic changed before I got a chance.

 

I'd be interested to hear peoples take on this, and any tips/ advice they wish to share.

[boldjack]

Oh yeah, 129, things are going to change, bigtime!! Every thing, to be precise. Your H and you will have twice as much responsibility as before, your sex life will change dramatically (either for the worse or better) depending on if you have any severe PPD. You will be trying to get by on alot less sleep, so both of you will be more irritable, your body will out of shape, which will affect your self-image, and every time your baby farts, coughs, sneezes, blinks or cries, or poops wrong , your anxiety levels will skyrocket. Thats just for starters.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not a parent, but I do know that my friends (females) have been stressed because of the disparate involvement in childcare post-birth... as in, they are the ones getting up in the middle of the night, they do all the feeding, they change all the diapers, etc.

 

So, I suppose the lesson is perhaps that you and Wonderboy can (as best you can) work out some sort of schedule for that sort of thing.

[sb129]

Yeah, we have talked about that SG, and we're going to try getting WB to be as hands on as realistically possible. He is very keen to be, so thats good.

 

The great thing is, he has two months off over the summer (yay for teachers!) so by mid- december we will both be off work, which is a luxury many new parents don't have.

[Star Gazer]

Ha! You said summer, and I was thinking, "Well, that just ended......"

 

 

Anyway, yeah - that's some good baby-makin' luck right there! I have a feeling WB will be a doting daddy.

[hopeful1980]

I definitely changed after I had my first child, but seriously after my second. I take things way more seriously than I did before my kids. Before my kids if something got messed up it only effected me and hubby. Now there are two little lives here that we are responsible for. It puts a magnifying glass and a timer on everything imo. It's hard to explain. Everything that was wrong in our marriage prior to our kids is blown up times a thousand. If I thought my husband was irresponsible before, now he seems down right juvienile. If he thought I was a bit messy before, now I look like a complete slob.

 

It's just sooo much harder to keep a marriage together when you have children to look after. Marriage is a whole new adventure when you add parenthood because there are just so many everyday variables that weren't in the equation before. Having kids can definitely make or break a marriage.

[stuckinoz]

Most definitely a marriage changes when children arrive. They are the focus of all attention & very time consuming little punkins!

 

It also has a major change when they leave the nest. There's something to be said for "Empty Nest Syndrome" ... It's not a myth - It's very real!

 

But wouldn't change anything about having babies (I have 2 that are grown now) - but sure don't want to go back to changing diapers again either. - Grand kiddos are, I'm sure a whole different thing.

[JamesM]

Yes, and emphatically yes. The stress will increase. You will feel pressured to take care of two people...baby and husband. He will feel that he is being neglected. You will both be scared as you realize that this "fragile" new human is your responsibility. It will dawn on you that everything you do...right or wrong...will impact his or her future.

 

And yes, remember, you will learn as you go. You will do fine. You will make mistakes. You will screw up. But you will have many successes. All in all...you will raise a great child.

 

Side note...Watch your husband when he drives home from the hospital. If he is like many of us husbands, he will be scared that he will get into an accident. I was scared at every bump that I was going to break my little guy.

 

One phrase to remember and I say it to myself all of the time....

 

"This too shall pass."

 

Please don't forget it.

 

It can be helpful to remind yourself of this when days are tough, but it is also good to remind yourself that the good times will pass, too. Those days when you cannot figure out why your baby is crying, you will be afraid of doing the wrong thing. When the baby gets sick for the first time, you will be scared that this is final. But ask others what to do and learn how your own baby is unique.

 

Also remember, the day of the first walk, the first smile, the first everything. Write them down. Take pictures all of the time. If you don't have a digital camera or camcorder, then now is the time to invest in one. Each day will bring new events that you will never want to forget. And when you live them, you forget that the moment is brief.

 

The day will come when you and your husband will be able to enjoy each other again. And then you will have happy memories and memories to laugh about.

 

As hard as it is on some days, you will be as I and look back and wonder, "How did the time go so fast?"

 

And has been said, TWO children will be when you really notice the difference. When the second one comes along, you will feel as if you are an expert....until you realize that every child is different. And so it begins again.

Edited October 9, 2009 by JamesM

[milvushina]

I think it will help a lot that you have time off together. My H and I split up our FMLA leave (because if you work at the same company, you have to share the 12 weeks) and everyone said we shouldn't take it together but we're so glad we did. Neither could have handled the early days alone.

 

It was really hard for us for the first 4-5 months. He didn't sleep. I was breastfeeding so I had to be the one who got up to feed him, for weeks. Eventually he could have bottles and my husband did the night feeding. We only got about 4 hours of sleep on a good night, so you can image that we were irritable. I wasn't depressed but was prone to suddenly crying sometimes and I didn't always understand why (hormones).

 

Once he started sleeping again, our relationship was not all that changed. He goes to bed at 8:00, and we have 2-3 hours together until we go to bed. The biggest difference to me is how much we work. When we come home, we have to make his dinner too, and spend a lot more time cleaning, plus there's more laundry, more shopping, and stuff to pack for daycare. Sometimes I stop and wonder who this woman is that spends so much time working. When one of us is really feeling overwhelmed, we just ask for a timeout and the other takes over with feeding, bathing, and playing with the baby.

 

We hang out together like we always have, except that we go to parks instead of bars, and often have the baby with us instead of alone. So it's different, but the spirit hasn't really changed that much. And once he started sleeping we had sex again about as much as we did before. I guess what I'm trying to stress is that it's all better once the baby sleeps.

 

We are happy with the way things are and feel like we have a good balance between being family oriented and still having our own identity. That is the main reason we've decided not to have another.

[JaneInVegas]

Something I wished I had known prior to having my daughter is the fact men take a LOT longer to bond with the baby, and I will give you an example. My daughter was a week or two old, and I was changing her diaper. Her dad (now my ex) came into the room and noticed I was changing the 37th diaper of the day and said with a scowl on his face, "I wish we'd never had her, we never have any time together anymore."

 

I was shocked and appalled, especially since he said it right in front of her, in spite of the fact she clearly was too young to understand. I brought that very issue up to our marriage counselor, and also to my personal therapist, and both told me this was, believe it or not, normal for a lot of men because they haven't bonded with the baby yet.

 

His having said that to me really put a negative spin on our marriage (plus other issues as well) that put us into a tailspin we never recovered from.

 

Maybe this won't be the case with your guy, but it is something to be aware of. Congratulations on your baby!

[JamesM]

Something I wished I had known prior to having my daughter is the fact men take a LOT longer to bond with the baby

 

This was true for me as well. I did not make any comments like he did, but inside I didn't feel a connection the first one until he was a few months old.

[sb129]

. Her dad (now my ex) came into the room and noticed I was changing the 37th diaper of the day and said with a scowl on his face, "I wish we'd never had her, we never have any time together anymore."

 

Didn't your H have an inkling of what it would be like while you were pregnant?

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hardly "party on down" time.

We have been told to have lots of "couple time", but its pretty hard going when I am tired and uncomfortable all the time, and we are watching our $$. So most of our couple time atm involves watching tv.

 

I honestly can't imagine my husband ever saying that kind of thing in a million years.

He was the one who was really keen for us to have a baby, and he is really really excited about her arrival.

 

If the way he is with our puppy is anything to go by, he is going to be absolutely besotted with our baby.

 

I am more worried about what will happen when I am sleep deprived and irrational and grouchy. He doesn't cope so well with me when I am like that, and thats when we argue about stupid stuff.

[JamesM]

If the way he is with our puppy is anything to go by, he is going to be absolutely besotted with our baby.

 

I am more worried about what will happen when I am sleep deprived and irrational and grouchy. He doesn't cope so well with me when I am like that, and thats when we argue about stupid stuff.

 

I am an animal lover and I didn't connect with our first for awhile, but then he was a colicky baby. But each guy is different. I am one who doesn't connect with babies, and I accepted that and realized that it didn't mean I had no love for them. I simply connected better with a little older baby/toddler.

 

Don't worry about your husband. He has fears and worries, too. But as you "grow" with the baby, you will both learn alot about yourselves....yes, good and bad. As time gos on though, you will adjust and become good parents. I think we both did and we had some rough times at first. When I heard that phrase one day, "This too shall pass," I realized that it was true. The colic had disappeared and the baby was much better. New problems came, but they passed, too.

 

Yes, he will have to learn patience with you, but he will. We all do. I am not even close to the person I was before we had children in many ways. In a couple of years, you both will look back and see how you have grown, too.

[sb129]

Thanks James. We will all have to learn patience (puppy included!)

[giotto]

I bonded straightaway... I love babies!

[marlena]

Something I wished I had known prior to having my daughter is the fact men take a LOT longer to bond with the baby,

 

This is so true in many cases. The mother has had a very long time to bond with the baby while the father has had none. It just sort of gets dumped in his lap and so often he thinks of this new bundle as an outsider and usurper. I think most men are intimidated by babies. Perhaps it is a hormone thing as well. Jealousy also becomes a factor as suddenly the focus is shifted away from him and onto the baby.

 

Another thing that I think often happens is that the man suddenly stops seeing his wife as a woman but as a mother. Suddenly, she is not that hot,sexy woman he so desired but a madonna figure which may be a pretty picture to behold but certainly not a sexy one. So, the first thing that is affected is the sex. It nose dives.

 

The repsonsibilities, the crying, the demands of the baby, the lack of sleep, the fear, the loss of free time, all make it a very trying time for both partners. If the marriage was rocky to begin with, a baby will make things worse. If it was solid, then, both partners should be able to get over the hump as things do improve once the baby turns into a child and then a young adult. So, it takes patience and a willingness on both sides to put their personal lives on hold for a few years.

 

What I think helps immensely is having outside help. A mother, a nanny, someone who will take off some of the pressure from the couple and give them time to still enjoy one another as a couple.

 

It's a rocky time, SB, but if couples are on the same page about parenthood, it all works out just fine in the end.

[sb129]

Hmm. Interesting that alot of this is about how the H will deal with things.

 

I appreciate that the first couple of months are going to be tough on both of us- thats a given, and while you can't prepare yourself completely for it, we are under no illusions that its going to be a piece of cake.

 

I was wondering more about the general dynamic of the marriage overall with a child in the mix- I assume that while we are on the same page generally about parenting, that there may be some things we disagree on.

 

Not sure if the sex life will take a "sudden" nose dive- its been on a steady decline since I started to show! Having said that, WB still thinks I am sexy (or he says he does) and things have picked up a bit recently in an attempt to get things moving.

 

The mother has had a very long time to bond with the baby while the father has had none. It just sort of gets dumped in his lap and so often he thinks of this new bundle as an outsider and usurper. I think most men are intimidated by babies. Perhaps it is a hormone thing as well. Jealousy also becomes a factor as suddenly the focus is shifted away from him and onto the baby.

I really don't think this is going to be an issue with my H. He is fantastic with kids and babies, and is really keen to be a dad. He has done LOTS of reading about various things, and at one point had read more about the birthing process than I had.

He isn't a "centre of attention" kind of guy.

 

Re: bonding- if anything, I think my H could possibly bond better than I will.

I haven't felt any strong "bonding" or maternal feelings while pregnant, (which concerns me somewhat), H is the one who talks to her through my stomach and is very excited about her being here.

 

My mum is going to stay with us for a few weeks to help us out around the house while we can get on with being parents.

 

Another great thing we have at our disposal is an awesome network of friends who have become first time parents this year, or who are going to be parents soon.

 

H has found this really beneficial as the guys have been pretty good at talking to eachother about how they feel about stuff, which I think is great. We have also attended birthing classes together and have met some great people through that, so I definitely feel that the birth process and initial few weeks is something that we are preparing for and planning to go through together.

We have done most of the baby shopping together, and any decisions about that we have discussed together first.

 

I am more concerned about what things will be like after the dust settles.....

[marlena]

I am more concerned about what things will be like after the dust settles.....

 

Don't be. The prognostics are good. Your husband sounds happily ready to face the challenges. And it's wonderful that your mother will help out. Everything will be fine. You'll see. Try to stop worrying about the future and take things as they come.

 

I can't wait to log in and see your first post after the baby is born. It will be a happy moment for our little LS community.

[sb129]

Aw, thanks M. I will be sure to let you guys know as soon as I can!

 

I guess "worried" is a little strong- I am "thinking" about it. (Lots of time on my hands while I am playing this waiting game)

 

WB is really keen to be a hands on dad, and most of our friends are very hands on fathers which is great for support and encouragement.

 

From what we have observed, if you are sharing the baby-care duties between you, there seems to be less chance of either of you feeling left out or as if you are doing all the work.

[Storyrider]

Generally, having children forces people to grow up, whether they want to or not. This can help iron out some personality kinks in the long run although it can be painful in the short run. Sometimes it is a shock.

 

Your life is never fully your own again. You can't fully grasp the impact of this until you experience it.

 

In general, anything that was already an area of stress is likely to be even more difficult because of the time constraints. Especially if you're used to having alone time to recharge. You will find there is very little to spare.

 

Make sure you build in time when he has the baby and you can relax by yourself or go out with friends.

[Holding-On]

I found it to be rough to be sure. Nowadays my husband and I are much more bonded because of the no-sleep, teething, tantruming adversity. We love being a family (I'll check back in when they are all teenagers though).

[giotto]

it will be tough on your H... don't push him away! You need to understand that he will probably feel second best after the baby and he needs to be involved a lot. Also, try not to postpone sex forever (I'm not talking a couple of days after the birth, obviously!). I understand the mommy mode and stuff, but my wife made me wait 3 months (at least) after the birth of each baby and that pushed me away instead of stimulating the necessary bonding...

[JamesM]

 

The usual is about six weeks, I think.

 

Oddly coming from me, we had a tough time waiting that long. It was usually the fifth week that MY WIFE was the one who initiated sex.

 

I agree with giotto. He will feel neglected. You won't because you will be busy with the baby.

[giotto]

The usual is about six weeks, I think.

 

Oddly coming from me, we had a tough time waiting that long. It was usually the fifth week that MY WIFE was the one who initiated sex.

 

I agree with giotto. He will feel neglected. You won't because you will be busy with the baby.

 

 

In fact, James, I don't really want to come across as the usual husband who only cares about sex, but a baby is a huge thing - for both the parents and, while the wife will be busy with the baby, the husband will have plenty of time to reflect on the relationship and meditate on what the future holds. Nobody tells us - the men - what to expect from our wives after the birth of a baby and I can tell you, it's a bloody shock! Sexwise, I understand perfectly that the wife's body is a mum's body now. My wife had a hard time re-considering her breasts as a "sex object" after each single birth and breastfeeding... in fact, she didn't allow me to touch them for some time...!

[JamesM]

In fact, James, I don't really want to come across as the usual husband who only cares about sex, but a baby is a huge thing - for both the parents and, while the wife will be busy with the baby, the husband will have plenty of time to reflect on the relationship and meditate on what the future holds. Nobody tells us - the men - what to expect from our wives after the birth of a baby and I can tell you, it's a bloody shock! Sexwise, I understand perfectly that the wife's body is a mum's body now. My wife had a hard time re-considering her breasts as a "sex object" after each single birth and breastfeeding... in fact, she didn't allow me to touch them for some time...!

 

Giotto, we have much in common, but interestingly, my experiences with my wife after birth were completely different. I do agree that each woman is different after the baby arrives, and even they do not know how it will be until it happens.

 

My wife did not mind me touching her breasts or any other part of her body. She enjoyed it more, I think. I don't know that she felt more or less sexual than before the birth, but I do think she felt closer to me because of each birth.

 

IME, the wife does feel more like a mother and certainly less like a "single gal." Even when married, people without children can maintain a single life style. When baby comes, then with a little time, these things become less important.

 

Thanks for the memories.