sarah12 Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 What is it like to be "friends" with someone you have dated for a long time, i.e. 4-5+ years? I am asking this question because my longest relationships have been 1 year long, and am currently in a situation where this guy I was dating couldnt' stop feeling guilty about dating me while his ex of 4-5 years was not over him. I just want to know how you feel about that person that you dated..I always beleived that if you broke up with someone, there is no need for that person to be directly in your life as a friend, etc, because if so, then you should just be together. I always thought that if you felt some sort of special friendship with that person you dated for that long, that is it not fair to the person you are currently dating because you are not letting yourself have that new, special relationship with that person. I'm sorry if I am not making sense! Anyways, some input would be much appreciated, just for personal interest sake. Link to post Share on other sites
aprilbaby Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 I have been friends with my ex-boyfriends of 5+ years. I am always very sensitive to how their present girlfriend/wife may feel because I believe she should be a priority in his life. Recently, I ran into an ex-boyfriend from twenty years ago. He was interested in meeting for lunch and we discussed the possibility of being friends. Well, since he was married with a wife and two kids, I told him I would only be friends with him if his wife knew that he and I were meeting for coffee and/or lunch. I always wish the best for my ex-boyfriends (if they weren't jerks) and I wish for them to be happy. I would never want to be a reason for someones breakup. But that's just me and how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 I'm glad to hear that you are so considerate of your ex's current significant other. I wish everyone could be like you! I would be the same, but I have not been in that situation as of yet. Anyone else have any comments on this topic? Also, do you think that the first one is always the hardest to let go of? Do you feel any sort of special connection with your first love and first everything? In my case, I was able to let go of my first love easily because he would not stop leaving me alone and got to the point where he was harrassing/stalking me. I wish I knew how it is like to be in a 4-5 year relationship..and I wish someone could just teach us how to be in a relationship so none of us would have to be here with all our problems!! Link to post Share on other sites
Breadcrumb Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Sarah, I think it is unfair for a guy or girl to have strong feelings (friend feelings too) for an ex, while you are dating. I tried dating someone new and I couldn't stop needing my ex's influence in my life in some way, shape, form... now this can be misread in one's own mind as an innocent need for an ongoing friendship... but I think a lot of times it really means that one has not cut the ties that bind! In order to move forward, get into a new romantic involvement, you have to separate yourself from then and now. You've got to decide at some point in time, I loved him/her ... but now I must start fresh. I know this because I am not ready to move on yet. I know that calling contact with my ex "friendship" is something mutated, it's not purely friendship, it simply CANNot be after 5, 6, 7 years .... anyway the point is, your boyfriend is not me and perhaps he honestly likes her friendship. For me anyway, saying this to my new relationship person really meant " i have not cut the ties that bind yet ... even though I don't want to be with him now ... i have a lot of growing to do before i find someone else" That's all I know for now Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah12 Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 Breadcrumbs - I am so glad that someone has cleared it up for me. I have many friends who have been or are in long term relationships and have none have told me quite like you have. I think I am starting to understand that having been with that person for a long time, the need for their influence in your life is just automatic. What do you do to "grow up" though? How do you know when you are ready? How long does it take (I know it is different for everyone but there must be some reasonable time frame?)..the reason I am asking is that I suppose I am sort of "waiting" for this guy to get over those "influential" feelings he has from the ex..I am currently not in contact with him although I do bump into him from time to time at school. I don't want to pressure him at all for anything, but I do really really miss the friendship from this guy..I wish I could be there for him right now...I know that he is over his ex, but he cares for her and worries since she is not over him at all.. *sigh.. honestly..why do I even bother with relationships Link to post Share on other sites
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