plea Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 This is the first time of me doing anything like this but i feel i need some help to over come the issues i'm having. Don't know who to turn to so hope this might help. Me and my other half have been together for 10-11 years. we've gone through a lot but recently he has not been well. I have supported him through out and we became a lot closer than we had been. He has changed a lot and I am getting used to this. He goes out a lot more which is great but the only problem I have is his new best friend. she has almost taken over our lives. they are constantly emailing and texting each other. they also work together. I don't mind him having friends, it just gets a little much sometimes. they go out most weeks, but i have to ask and remind him that we have to go out together. when we do go out she texts to see how he is and what he's doing. it feels like there's a third wheel. he tells me i should go out more, but if i did i know she'd be straight round (that might be me making assumptions) i know there is 100% nothing going on as the reaction i had was very server when i confronted him. and this i am sure of. i just cant get used to her doing this. He tells me everything that is going on. when i have spoken to him he says he understand but theses things still happen. also he has told me things are not going to change between us or her as he is not going to loose her friend ship. i love him so much and cant bear to loose him and feel that if i dont get on with this im going to loose him. how do i get on with this and move forward? she has recently broken up with her boyfriend which doesn't help, he was cheating and my other half has been there for her. i would like to be friends and he would like this too, but how do i trust her? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 He is risking a decade long relationship for a new 'friendship' with a girl? I wouldn't trust either of them to be honest. Guys don't seek out girls to be 'best friends' with unless they are gay or wanting to get in her pants on some level. They surely don't make it equal to or more important than their existing relationship. Now a guy can become best friends with a girl over time, but wham, bam and three seconds later they are besties and he is defending his "friendship" against a decade long relationship? i know there is 100% nothing going on I'm sorry, but unless you are with the two of them 24/7 and read all incoming and outgoing correspondence, you don't. In this case thinking you know everything will be the blind spot that will keep you from seeing what is going on. Even if sex isn't involved, his heart clearly is. In a situation like this, I would break the engagement and move on. Even after ten years. Especially after ten years. That's just me though - I know cheating when I see it, having been one for so long and helped others do it for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I would post this in the infidelity section. He is cheating in some way shape or form. I would leave the relationship if there are no children. Life is too short to go through this. If you do have children, you might want to try and work on the relationship, but he needs to own what he is doing and work with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 ...Do you think he loves her, more than he loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I think they are crushing on each other big time....he is wrong for putting her before you. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneInVegas Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 There is definitely some kind of an inappropriate relationship going on there, regardless of how 100% certain you are. It just doesn't ring true that he spends such a great deal of time with her, especially at the expense of his relationship with you. If I were you, I'd do some undercover detective work and get to the bottom of it. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 it could be that he is not physically attracted to her... I have many lady friends, whom I see regularly and chat with and I would never dream of doing anyrhing with them because our relationship is not like that... there is no physical attraction, nothing... they are just friends... why don't you ask him? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 This is the first time of me doing anything like this but i feel i need some help to over come the issues i'm having. Don't know who to turn to so hope this might help. Me and my other half have been together for 10-11 years. we've gone through a lot but recently he has not been well. I have supported him through out and we became a lot closer than we had been. He has changed a lot and I am getting used to this. He goes out a lot more which is great but the only problem I have is his new best friend. she has almost taken over our lives. they are constantly emailing and texting each other. they also work together. I don't mind him having friends, it just gets a little much sometimes. they go out most weeks, but i have to ask and remind him that we have to go out together. when we do go out she texts to see how he is and what he's doing. it feels like there's a third wheel. he tells me i should go out more, but if i did i know she'd be straight round (that might be me making assumptions) i know there is 100% nothing going on as the reaction i had was very server when i confronted him. and this i am sure of. i just cant get used to her doing this. He tells me everything that is going on. when i have spoken to him he says he understand but theses things still happen. also he has told me things are not going to change between us or her as he is not going to loose her friend ship. i love him so much and cant bear to loose him and feel that if i dont get on with this im going to loose him. how do i get on with this and move forward? she has recently broken up with her boyfriend which doesn't help, he was cheating and my other half has been there for her. i would like to be friends and he would like this too, but how do i trust her? This is ridiculous. There's no excuse for this behavior on his behalf. What he is basically saying in other words is "I understand how you feel, but oh by the way; once we're married it's more important that I choose her happiness over yours, sorry." You really want to make a lifetime comittment to a man whom before you are EVEN married, will go ahead and choose another woman over you, and sacrifice your peace of mind for his whim and wishes? Are you operating on all four cylinders? Are the crayons in the box? Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Hi Plea: First a few questions: Do you and your fiance live together? Has she put effort into becoming your friend, as well? Does she confide in you,or are you feeling shut out? My first reaction to reading your post was screaming, EA!!!! It looks like the classic scenario, the female friend having an emotional crisis, your bf goes to the rescue to lend an ear and moral support. She's in a needy and vulnerable place, having just been through a break-up, and she puts your bf on a pedestal for being "the rescuer".(giving him a huge ego boost) So the rescuer and the "victim" form this bond that excludes everyone else, but especially you. Once the line has been crossed to becoming emotional confidantes, they have slipped into the danger zone. If she's confiding in him, chances are very high that she's become his "go-to" person as well.He's very likely discussing his relationship issues with her as well. Talking about things that he should only be discussing with YOU, his soon-to-be-wife. You are being usurped.And quite possibly gaslighted as well. "You've got nothing to worry about......." , "you're making a mountain out of a mole hill".........."we're JUST friends"............yada yada. The fact that he reacted so severely when you asked if anything was going on raises a BIG red flag to me. (sounds a little too defensive to me) Did he show compassion for your unease? Did he try to allay your fears? It sounds like he said "this is how it's going to be, if you don't like it, well too bad......" This is NOT a healthy relationship dynamic as it stands.I'd strongly recommend postponing the wedding until there's a resolution. If his friendship with her continues at this level, your resentment will continue to build, and build, and build.............until you finally blow a gasket. You'll get into a big fight with him, and guess who's gonna come running to pick up the pieces when he's upset, playing the "rescuer". And you'll most likely be unfairly painted as "the villain".When you've actually done NOTHING wrong.......... The fact that she's texting him, and emailing him all the time, tells me that she's not showing much respect for you, either.She's aware that he's engaged, but it's not stopping her.Not cool at all.For her to be texting him when you guys are out on a date night is completely intrusive. Unfortunately, you've been thrust into a damned if you do, damned if you don't, situation.If you put your foot down with him right now, he's either gonna tell you to get bent, or he'll end the frienship and harbor resentment towards you for usurping his autonomy. If you don't do anything, you'll end up being resentful, and eventually blowing your cool. Solutions? Keep communicating with your bf. You could try a "shoe-on-the-other-foot" analogy: "Honey, how would YOU feel if I started hanging with one of my male co-workers all the time? How would YOU feel if I had less time to spend with you, because I was helping him through a crisis? How would YOU feel if I kept getting text messages from him when you and I are having a romantic evening together? How would YOU feel if I told YOU to find something else to do, because I want to hang out with my guy friend? and sorry, but you're not invited..... How would YOU like to feel excluded????? etc., etc., etc.......... That's the only solution I can think of, is to appeal to his sense of empathy.If he loves you enough to want to marry you, he should be respecting your feelings first and foremost. Remind him of that. Maybe that's all he needs to "wake up". I wish the best. Your story hits very close to home for me, because I went through nearly the same thing with my guy.It took a lot of patience and talking to get my bf to open his eyes, but it did pay off.He finally admitted that he wasn't good about setting boundaries, and has since put them in place. (before, his female friend would call his landline at 3 a.m. on a night she had to have known he was with me.......grrrrrrrrr.)(talk about coitus interruptus) I finally laid it on the line-her disrespecting me, is the same as her being disrespectful of you-a true friend doesn't try to make waves in your love life. A TRUE friend respects the decisions you make for yourself........................ Good luck, Plea~~~ please keep us posted as to how things turn out. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 it could be that he is not physically attracted to her... I have many lady friends, whom I see regularly and chat with and I would never dream of doing anyrhing with them because our relationship is not like that... there is no physical attraction, nothing... they are just friends... why don't you ask him? I think one of the biggest misconceptions I have seen on these boards, and one I've once held myself, is that if there's no sex, the friendship isn't harmful. I have come to realize, from my own experiences and from other's here on these boards, that a friendship doesn't have to have a sexual component in order to harm the primary relationship. If a partner in a relationship puts his/her friend first, then the primary relationship will suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 I think one of the biggest misconceptions I have seen on these boards, and one I've once held myself, is that if there's no sex, the friendship isn't harmful. I have come to realize, from my own experiences and from other's here on these boards, that a friendship doesn't have to have a sexual component in order to harm the primary relationship. If a partner in a relationship puts his/her friend first, then the primary relationship will suffer. yes, absolutely... I was trying to establish the nature of the friendship first... Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 OP, I am female and my best friend is a male, we have been best friends for 15+ years. He has been with his girlfriend for 10 years. So yes, I have been around longer than her. We have never had any sort of romantic/physical relationship. He would never, never, NEVER put me before he puts her. It doesn't matter what the issue is - he would never do that. He has only become "friends" with her recently? I'm sorry, he is clearly on his way to having an affair (I would say he is already having one). Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plea Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Freestyle thank you for you words. i don't want to break up which seem to be every ones opinion at the mo. we do live together, apparenty she wants to be friends with me as well. also he has been very ill and his reaction to when i spoke to him was he nearly went back to before. i wrote a long letter the other day, with all my thoughts and feeling down. made me feel a lot better (took the weight off my shoulders) and gave me chance to get my oppinon through with out being interrupted. He has been more considerate and seems to be spending more time with me with out the worry of her. we had a lovely evening the other night when she let him down. i suggested we went out instead. i do ask him about her, and how she is. i would like to get to know her and show her i am here to stay(which apparently she knows). i will keep you posted and thank you again freestyle Link to post Share on other sites
ebab83 Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 My advice would be, kill her with kindness. Be nice to her, invite her out for a drink with you (if she apparently wants to be friends with you, she should oblige), ask about her lovelife. Keep your enemies close! Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 He is having an emotional affair. He and she are having an inappropriate relationship, and if it does not stop, there is about a 99% chance it will lead to more. Regardless of what he is telling you, he hasn't told you everything; otherwise, how could this relationship have gotten so involved right under your nose? I can't imagine anyone who would prioritize the relationship on the same level as the relationship with their partner unless something more was going on. He tells you that you need to go out more because he wants privacy to communicate or hang out with her. First I think you should Google "Emotional Affair" and get the scoop. Then look into couples counseling. He needs to realize that what he is doing is destructive to your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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