D seems inevitable --> but how do I carry on - I don't have friends!

[FeelingLonely98]

My main problem is that I don't really have any friends. The last 16 years I revolved my world around my stbxw. I worked from home for my employer and then travelled every other week to complete assignments. I have a few acquantances - but no really good friends. I don't have anyone to go hang out with, I am not sure where to go to meet people, ... ETC. UGH!! I'm pretty pathetic, eh? I know, but that is where I am now. I would have been so happy staying in my little world with the woman I adored and loved. But that is probably gone.

(Same story - one day ok, next I want a D and no chance to work things out - an apparent "checked out long ago" stbx - and has the OM - a 28 yrs younger OM!) :-(

 

I do have younger sisters that I have been hanging out with ...

 

I am going to be so lonely now - and the future looks bleak.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

[tojaz]

FL,

I am kind of in your situation. The local people I was friends with were all mutual friends who left me when she did (as in not that mutual). I do have a close knit group of long time friends, but timje and life has scattered them to four corners, nobody left local. I would suggest just getting out and doing the things you like, getting used to being around people again. It can be hard if your not a real social person like me. LS helps, I have made some great friends here that i believe can be friends for life. Also try joining a club or something that surrounds yourself with like minded people, or maybe a divorce care group if you can find one.

 

Try starting here http://www.meetup.com/

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

Start up a hobby you used to like

 

Start a new hobby that you thought you might like to do but never did because you were to busy with the stbx

 

Join a single group

 

Join classes at your local church. This is the one that I did at first, it was divorce care, I met some nice people going thru the same thing I was, then moved onto some other classes.

 

Join a gym

 

Just a matter of getting yourself out there.

 

The one thing that I am starting to see is, the friends I used to have or the friends I thought I had start to drop off, the good friends stick around & I'm meeting more new people. Maybe just because of the groups I'm hanging out with now I don't know but it's all good.....

Edited October 9, 2009 by PWSX3

[myway4077]

you do have friends and if you don't you have family that cares about you. And keep posting.

[hopesndreams]

It was the same for me when H and I went our separate ways. The friends we did have were his friends first and haven't seen or heard from any of them since the split. It's important to get yourself out there. Go do the things you want to do, solo. Talk to people. I have found that I'm not as shy as I thought I was. When you first go out solo, the loneliness will hit you like a ton of bricks but the more you keep doing it, the easier it becomes. The independence you will feel by doing this, is a thrill. I have a couple of my own friends now but still enjoy going out on my own.

[tojaz]

Heck, update your location in your profile here, for all you know theres another lonely LSer right down the street. If you live near me, I'd be more then happy to hoist a beer/shot/kool aid with you.

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

Want to make new friends, begin by being friendly, sound stupid but it is true.

 

As PWSX3 says get with a hobby, bicycling, tropical fish, poison dart frogs, model building, gardening.

 

Take dancing lessons

 

Volunteer: local soup line, foster cats,

 

Foster Cats? My GF loves to mother. Lost kittens get taken in, fed, raised and adopted out. Somehow she got connected with several no-kill cat shelter groups. Almost every weekend they had a adoption show somewhere, where we would take the cats. Lots of women, hardly any men, no competition, I met several who were single and not bad looking, nice ladies, but I was taken

[2.50 a gallon]

I can not make long posts so will have to break them up

 

My lucky Day: Married, moved a thousand miles, broke up, all friends were hers. Was miserable sitting around the apartment, so the next Saturday took my kitten down to the park, just to get out of the house. It turns out the kitten was a chick magnet, (puppy would be better), I met several ladies, one of whom I dated. Also met a girl who introduced me to her BF, he offered me a beer, they also introduced me to several other park regulars. Was also invited to a local dive bar that night. Played pool, met more people, was told that the following week, they were going to have a softball game at the same park with a BBQ.

 

Next weekend showed up with bat, glove, 6-packs and chips. Brand new set of friends all within a week.

 

Like I said it was a lucky day, but the key was I got out of the house.

Edited October 9, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[confused71]

My main problem is that I don't really have any friends. The last 16 years I revolved my world around my stbxw.

 

I'm in pretty much the same boat only I moved with the ex to a different country when she got a new job.Only for her to have her midlife crisis/affair.

So I am now out here on my own with no family and basically no one to talk to.

Just trying to learn to enjoy my own company lol

[Aksion]

Basically in the same boat as well. Got out of highschool/met what is seemingly going to be my stbxw/lost contact with almost all of my friends/now I know basically nobody. Looks bleak, but I'd like to believe that the fact that I'm only 23 shouldn't make life too hard to find friends/love again.

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks ALL - Good advice ... the theme is to get out!!

Some of your posts had me emotional - almost with a tear in my eye. I'm so lonely now - it's only been 42 day. As I look around, it seems that almost all women have better qualities than my mid-40s stbxw. (smarter, better educated, funnier, ... and though my stbxw is gorgeous, many of them are just as pretty or prettier.) I can definitely find a better partner - but that's not what I want. I want my stbxw to become my stbLOVINGMEAGAINw. Did I mention I'm lonely? Anyways, THANKS - more advice please.

[scatterd]

I feel for you it looks like I will be joining you on the 16 yr after journey.It

hurts.I would go to the races or games in your area when your out ask the person next to you how they are doing and talk.Go places talk on line your

meeting friends now.When you hurt like this its hard to do that I know im there been crying alot.I guess in time we will feel better.You will meet people just get out there.I hope you are doing fine keep your chin up you are not alone.Go get em

[ryepatch]

haven't read your thread, just this post.

 

all i can say is: craigslist, strictly platonic.

 

everyone's got a weird story, and it's not about dating.

 

i'm hundreds of miles from friends or family and all my friends went with my wife, don't know why.

 

hung out with two clist friends tonight, met new people.

 

it takes weeks, but who you find there is as desperate as you are.

[PWSX3]

Last night I went out with a bunch of people that I have met from the classes I am taking at church.

 

We have known of each other for a year now but some of us have never hung out until last night. Some people I had never met until last night but because I knew a few of them I felt comfortable to talk to the new people.

 

One of the guys I just met three weeks ago in the class that I am in now that was at the party, I found out that he likes to ride bicycles & so do I so we have plans now to ride next spring..........

 

You never know what you have in common with people unless you start talking.

 

Someone also suggested to me when you are in the store just talk to people. If you are looking for new sheets for the bed & there is someone else also looking ask them; so what is the difference in sheet count? Why are there different types of material? If you are looking for a new shirt ask someone that is walking by if that is a good color for you. Doesn't matter if you already know the answer it just starts up a conversation.

 

Just a good way of building your confidence.....

[FeelingLonely98]

Cool - Good Ideas LS friends ... Keep 'em coming --> making strong mental notes and WILL apply as much as possible.

 

Any "help" sent my way may be read by 100's of others and could help them as well.

 

~LATER~

[FeelingLonely98]

going to a pool party / bbq tomorrow.

Next Saturday going to a rock club that my sister and her BF go to. Says it's lots of fun and lots of good people ... not young kids but more middle aged (like me).

IO am going to join the local gym instead of working out at home. (Actually I've always wanted to try a spinning class at the gym - is that something guys do?)

Will go to the church tomorrow and see someone in the office to ask about volunteering or joing some groups at the church. (Or ask about other local churches if mine doesn't have anything appropriate.)

 

Any other ideas my good LS friends?

[whysohard]

 

Any other ideas my good LS friends?

it has been three weeks since the split, i am in the same boat. i am still contemplating what to do for now, i' want a period of a month or two for self development, do all the things i wanted to do before ( you know the geeky stuff -projects, working out, qualificaitons etc...).

 

i have tried to go out with friends and stuff, but i think i need to build myself up first because if you do it from the get go (please the following is only my personal opinion ...) you'll appear too weak and needy and that in itself will not guarantee a long term friendship.

 

this is my 2cents worth.

[tojaz]

(Actually I've always wanted to try a spinning class at the gym - is that something guys do?)

 

NO, GUYS DO NOT SPIN!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding go nuts, sounds like aq good place to mjeet women when your ready.:laugh: Sounds like you're jumping into this whole heartedly FL, keep it up!

TOJAZ

[Ariadne]

"checked out long ago" stbx - and has the OM - a 28 yrs younger OM!) :-(

so lonely now - and the future looks bleak.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

 

Hi,

 

Sorry about what happened, but things don't look so bleak.

 

Men have a much easier time finding partners as there seem to me more single women than men.

 

You'll probably soon be much happier than before with a younger girl.

 

Good luck.

[PWSX3]

One suggestion, just don't over do it, don't get yourself so busy you don't have time for rest.....I do like your ideas & what you are looking into, I really do believe it will help you out so much. Helping others also is such a great reward.

 

Something that probably doesn't make since but helped me is we used to always have our TV on or something going in the house. I learned to just set & read (I hate to read) or work on the computer without any TV or radio on, just have it quit.

 

Drove me nuts at first but now it's funny because when we come home my son wants to turn on the TV & I just ask; why do that?

I've learned I don't need all the noise, it can be peaceful just setting by yourself...

[FeelingLonely98]

NO, GUYS DO NOT SPIN!!!!!

 

Just kidding go nuts, sounds like aq good place to mjeet women when your ready.:laugh: Sounds like you're jumping into this whole heartedly FL, keep it up!

TOJAZ

 

I thought so --- Whenever I've been to the gym I've seen very attractive women "spinning" and I saw many men in the class. Just a thought - I wouldn't have to stay with it if I didn't like it. THANKS!!

[FeelingLonely98]

 

I've learned I don't need all the noise, it can be peaceful just setting by yourself...

 

Funny you mention that - I have the TV on in the background listening to the Broncos / Patriots football game. If the stbxw was here I probably wouldn't have it on because she hated football. It didn't bother me that she was like that. I would have rather been doing something with her than watching football anyway.

 

I was out all day at a pool party / BBQ. Lots of fun - better than staying home brooding.

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - Going with my sister and her BF and several friends to a rock bar next Saturday. She said there's always lots of women there looking for fun. I'm not looking for "action" so to speak - but it might be nice to talk to another woman in a different way for the first time in 16 years / 7 weeks since stbxw told me she wants out.. (I have always been 1000% faithful to stbxw - never even flirted with the opposite sex.) Not sure I now how to handle this type of conversation though. If I click with someone do I tell her what I am in the middle of? Just say hey I'm looking friends? If I say something like "I'm going through some personal issues" won't that scare someone off from even talking or having a drink? I'm told I am a good looking guy, I work out, I can hold a conversation well, ... just not sure how I will handle a new type of conversation. In the beginning it will be comfortable, but what if it seems she is taking more of an interest in me? That is where I am not sure I can handle it. (Please don't think I am pathetic!!!)

 

Any advice? THANKS!!

[FeelingLonely98]

Maybe post above better belongs in the "Dating..." forum?

[FeelingLonely98]

Still trying to make friends. More determined now than ever. I can not live the life I did with the STBXW. Hey, even if had reconciled I need to treat this part of my life differently. I had no friends. There were friends of "ours" that all but one won't answer or return my calls. And no friends of mine. WOW. Trying to find out I can join some volunteer groups, some social clubs, - just get OUT, go have a beer, go to community events, sporting events, ... ETC.

 

Any other advice?