Feelinthedark Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I recently found out that my H has been communcating online with a friend of his from college. He says that nothing else has happened, but I am not sure what to believe. I received an email stating that they were having an affair, but he denied it. He was previously communicating with her earlier this year, and I was upset about it. He told me that he stopped, but he continued to email, text, and who knows what else. So, now that I know that they were again talking, I don't know what to think. He said that she wanted more, but he didn't. Then, he said that he didn't back away, but nothing else happened. It was just talk. I know that things aren't right with us, and I want to believe him but I am not sure. We have been in MC for the past year and he was doing this while we were in counseling. Has anyone else experienced this? I am just not sure what the truth is. Link to post Share on other sites
misternoname Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Yep...she fed me the typical "he's just a good friend...we only talk, etc. etc." With a little detective work I discovered the truth and it wasn't pretty! In my humble opinion, people of the opposite sex, in committed relationships have no business carrying on a friendship exclusive outside of their committed relationship. Couple friends, no problem...casual friends, OK. Emailing, texting, meeting for lunch all no no's. In your case I'd be willing to bet there's a lot more going on than he's admitting to...you know the old saying, "where there's smoke there's fire!" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 He hasn't suffered ANY consquences, so he isn't going to change his ways.. He probably doesn't think or believe what he's doing IS cheating, he's justifying it.. And he's going to deny it and lie to protect himself, protect the truth from coming out. This A is far from over..Whether it be an EA(Emotional affair) or a PA (Physical affair), he is still up to no good. As much as it hurts you, you have to be the one who puts your foot down and takes control over this situation. Let him know that he can't have it both ways. It's you or the OW, not both. And, if he can't decide, you'll decide FOR him (but be prepared to follow through, even if that means kicking him out of the house for a while as he needs a huge wake up call, swift kick in the @ss..) why should you have to go through this, suffer and feel hurt because he's being selfish and enjoying someone on the side. Talk to the MC, let her/him know what's been going on at home. Is the OW married too? Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Well, I would be upset if I were you. You already told him to stop communicating with her before...and he continued...secretly. Then he admitted she wanted more..and he didn't back off...man, that is just what he told you. I think it is more than reasonable for you to bring this up in MC...along with what boundaries would make you feel better. Besides, she's just a friend...he should have no problem dropping her if it jeopardizes his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ForumFool Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 He has lied to you ....even when confronted and is talking and more with her still. MC doesn't seem to be working because he is still playing. Time to leave him at least for a while and see what he does to CHANGE not change the mode of lying Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) I am the OW in my A. My A with MM started all online, "just friends"... then we talked on phone, then talked DAILY ON PHONE for HOURS, we were "in love" long before it ever became a Physical Affair but we kept rationalizing that because it was not physical then we were "still just friends". But it was every bit as much of an affair then as it is now. EMOTIONALLY we were conected in a way that we should not have been. We were both being unfaithful to the vows we made. The vow is "keeping myself only unto you"... myself .. ALL of myself, that means your head and heart every bit as much as your body. But those of us who engage in affairs tell ourselves all kind of lies to make it "okay". I would say, if you are concerned, there is reason to be concerned. The fact that he told you he was no longer in contact with her but he DID stay in contact means there is more than a friendship attachment taking place. It may not have progressed into a physical affair, but it is in my opinion more than mere friendship. Confront him durring next MC session, and see what happens.Ask him to let you have access to all his emails, passwords etc IMMEDIATELY! If he does not give them to you right away, then perhaps he is buying time to be able to delete certain emails. Ask him to draft a NC letter to the OW and let you be a part of sending it. If he is unable or unwilling then perhaps you need to decide if it is worth it to continue trying to fix it. Edited October 10, 2009 by Fallen Angel correcting typos.... Link to post Share on other sites
whattodonow12 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 This is extremely similar to my A on a basic level. I was/am the MOW in an affair with a MM, but I am currently separated from my H (that was the result of other issues and was happening already). The MM was a friend of mine from college and he persued me when we connected online earlier in January. He convinced me that he was in a bad marriage and was working to leave his spouse, and I believed him. (completely convinced because of the things that he said). We spent hours online daily talking to one another. He then told me that he felt horrible over what this would do to his two children and his wife and he didn't want to be viewed as a quitter. We were both in so deep at that point. He had already told me that he loved me. We tried to end our conversations, but continued to talk anyway. We ended up meeting once and that is where it turned physical. We are both on opposite sides of the country so the physical contact was limited. His W found out that we were chatting online, and he promised her that he would stop.(that we were just friends) But, we continued anyway. Recently, someone sent her an email that we were having an A. It turned out to be a coworker of mine that was snooping in my email.(found out later) However, the coworker didn't know much and didn't have many details to provide so he convinced her that it was ME.. all me, at first (don't know what to really believe). That I persued him and wanted more, but he didn't. He did this to cover his butt. He doesn't want to lose everything that he has. His wife is convinced that I am a pathetic person that continued to try and draw her H into an A against his wishes. They have been in MC this whole time too(all of the months that we were maintained our A). I am extremely sorry for everything that you are going through. I can't imagine how you must feel. I don't know if hearing actual facts from others and their A's will help you... help you find your truth. But, it is very possible to be in the dark on this from your end unfortunately, I am sorry to say, if he is convincing enough of a liar. I hope you figure out what is going on soon. I feel horrible for my actions in my A, and I also feel horrible that there is another person out there that has been lied to... and doesn't have the opportunity to really decide what is best for her in this situation. I see things much more clearly now, but it happened too late, and for that I am truly, truly sorry. I don't think the H is my situation will ever tell the truth because of how much it would hurt. And, I wouldn't ever tell. (I know that there is quite a few opinions regarding that on this board.) In my personal situation, I don't want to cause anymore hurt than is already out there. But, at the crux of it.. if you think something is going on, it usually is. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts