I feel so empty.

[Shaena]

I've read a few posts and it seems my story is in a lot of posts.. but I want to vent about it anyway.

 

The instant I met my boyfriend, the world became magical for both of us. We hung out every day together and never got tired of each other. He said I changed the way he looked at the world - that it was so special with me in it. He had been ready for a relationship at the time and was delighted that he had found me. We said we were soulmates. We shared the most intimate details of our lives. He was and still is, the most wonderful man I've ever had the fortune to know and to love.

 

Then on Wednesday night, he told me while he loved me and I was the most amazing person he's ever met, he isn't happy with me. He said that I did things which were not my fault, but they irritated him, like holding his hand etc. He knew he shouldn't let them bother him, he knew logically that he should be happy with me because he loves me, but he wasn't happy. So I said maybe if we stopped spending 6 hours a day together, we would get that spark back and things would be fine again. He agreed.

 

Then, after not seeing him, on Saturday night he invited me over and he dumped me. He said he can't see it working. That he had been trying for the past month to feel happy with me, but he wasn't. He said he still loved me though. He said he didn't know what was going on with him - he was lost, confused etc. So I looked at him, checked that he didn't want to be with me and I was on my way. He said we moved too fast and that was it. I know we did, but I thought if we took a step back, like he agreed to on Wednesday, maybe it could work.

 

I realise there is nothing I can do to change his mind. As much as I wish I could shake him and make him realise that we should never be apart, I can't do that. But right now, my life feels like it is over. I know it isn't and everyone says I will get over it and love again. But you know, I never want to. I haven't come close to meeting someone I connected with as well as him. And in a way, I hope I never do. I feel that if I ever loved someone again, I would be cheating us of what we had together.

 

My family and friends have been great. In fact, my Mum is going to watch Survivor with me tonight because me and my ex always watched it together. I've started a new job today luckily and I am planning on going to the gym regularly now (something I neglected when we were together). I am slowly healing, very slowly, although it has only been a few days so I think I am doing well.

 

I have lost my best friend though. I told him everything. I know it's unfortunate, but he became my best and nearly only friend these past 4 months. And now I am without him. It feels as though I have lost a limb - something that has always been there and now it isn't anymore. And it feels so wrong that of course J is meant to be with me. It feels as though the world has gone crazy and my baby is no where to be found.

 

A part of me hopes that after a few weeks, a month, a year without me, he will realise that he needs me. But then I am horribly scared that he will realise he doesn't need me.

 

I realise I haven't asked any questions, but any comments would be really appreciated. I know I've written a lot, but there is so much more that I have left out. I am at my wit's end, I love this boy and I want him back more than anything..

 

.. but wishes don't always come true.

[midori]

I think that when people fall immediately, head-over-heels in love there are often other reasons for doing so. What was going on (or not going on) in both of your lives that you had so much free time to spend together? Where were your other friends, and why didn't they merit some of your time?

 

The thing about falling madly in love right off the bat is that it can be overwhelming and distracting -- which might be what you want because of other things that are missing in your life. Maybe you're trying to get over a broken heart, maybe you're anxious about your job prospects, whatever. But it ultimately won't solve those deficits. Once the newness and excitement wears off, the problems in your lives will start to make themselves known again. And then the relationship itself will face two possible crisises: it might be that the "love" was merely infatuation, in which a few commonalities were blown out of proportion and the couple finds they don't really connect to each other as much as they thought at first. Another possible problem is that as disatisfaction in other domains re-emerges, you might attribute it to the relationship. For some reason it isn't as satisfying as you thought it was at first.

 

I agree that there's nothing you can do to recapture the relationship. It sounds like you've got some good things on your horizon, and supportive people around you. That's so key to moving on. Make the most of these things. The hurt and confusion will still be there, of course. But you can take this as a learning experience, and start building a life for yourself that won't be so susceptible to immediate, overwhelming love that is really an escape from other things that are lacking in your life. I think that real love is a much more subtle thing -- strong and powerful, yes. And while love at first sight might happen occasionally, I think it only does when circumstances are right: the two people already have full lives that just happen to coincide perfectly. Then it can last. Otherwise ...

 

You can come out of this stronger and with a better capacity for finding love and happiness that can be integrated into your life, so that it becomes a large facet of your life, instead of the only facet.

[Shaena]

Thankyou for your reply.

 

To be honest, I don't think there was any specific need either of us were trying to fill when we first got together. My ex works 12-9pm and I had uni during that time, too. So the rest of our time, we spent together. I can't even say I was after a relationship when we met, as such, we just happened to meet and I thought, fantastic, this is someone I want to be with.

 

And we did see our friends, just not as much anymore. It was simply because every waking moment of our lives, we wanted to spend together. We felt so good together, I missed him when we were apart and he missed me too. Maybe that's okay when you first start out, but as it went along, I guess we were so used to seeing each other all the time, that even when we needed space, we saw each other anyway.

 

It's only been 12 hours since I sent that first post, but already I am feeling better. I had a long chat with a friend last night and I found myself telling him about all the bad things about our relationship. All the insecurities I felt over his ex-gf's always being around, about the times when I lay in bed next to him and wanted it to be over. Our relationship was heading for destruction. My friend asked, if my ex asked me back, what would I do. And you know, while I would say "Yes Yes Yes" right now, a large part of me would say "No". He brought some amazing things into my life, we shared some wonderful experiences, and while I wish with my whole heart that it had lasted, I guess it wasn't going to - something was going to give way soon enough.

 

If I think about it.. I guess the first three months were bliss, and then the last one was annoying us both. I probably tried so hard and wanted to get back to how it was, but it didn't. So that's what I am so upset about, I think, not that the last month is over, but that we can never go back to the first three months.

 

Time for work, x

[Arabess]

It seems after ANY breakup time just drags on and on.....while you are feeling so miserable. Then on day you wake up and the sun has come out again. It just takes time.....and finding other diversions. The internet is good for that....and going out with friends.....and just doing some things by yourself you never had time for previously.

 

Good Luck!!! I promise you it DOES get better.

[Shaena]

Thanks, Arabess.

 

I know everyone says it gets easier and I've been dumped before so I know it does. It's just.. I don't know, there was something special about this one. I thought he was my forever man. I never thought he would leave me. It wasn't even a possibility, so I think that's why it's so hard to cope now. It just feels so wrong, there's no other way to put it. John was in my life and he should STAY in my life forever, that is how it is meant to be.

 

But he isn't..

 

I am so ANGRY at him for what he did to me. To tell me he loved me and would never leave me, that we were soulmates and then break up with me when things weren't perfect.

 

GRR.