Devil Inside Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 So how are you coming with this project? Seems like you are getting some good ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 So how are you coming with this project? Seems like you are getting some good ideas. Just trying to figure out how to transfer everything. I'm now thinking it's going to be a big project since I'll have to go into each message and move it. I'm going to start later tonight. In his last email, my AP rattled off a list of "family" things he's busy with, so I don't expect to hear from him for at least another week. That should give me plenty of time to get the account closed. I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of shutting off contact with him. It's giving me some power. How are you doing? Are you feeling stronger? Let me know how you're doing. And keep working on my prize! Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Just trying to figure out how to transfer everything. I'm now thinking it's going to be a big project since I'll have to go into each message and move it. I'm going to start later tonight. In his last email, my AP rattled off a list of "family" things he's busy with, so I don't expect to hear from him for at least another week. That should give me plenty of time to get the account closed. I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of shutting off contact with him. It's giving me some power. How are you doing? Are you feeling stronger? Let me know how you're doing. And keep working on my prize! Can you just move them all into one file in your email? and then email yourself the whole file? Hmmmm.. I guess I didn't think about the logistical aspects of moving what may potentially be hundreds of emails... I wish I knew more about computers so I could help. I was just trying to think of a way that you could get to keep them for when you felt you NEEDED them, and still get rid of the email addy so he can't contact again. Maybe having to do them one at a time will make you want to keep them less and you will end up deleteing them after all, just so you don't have to put any more of YOUR HARD WORK INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP!!! Didn't you put enough effort into it already? **sending hugs your way today** Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Can you just move them all into one file in your email? and then email yourself the whole file? Hmmmm.. I guess I didn't think about the logistical aspects of moving what may potentially be hundreds of emails... I wish I knew more about computers so I could help. I was just trying to think of a way that you could get to keep them for when you felt you NEEDED them, and still get rid of the email addy so he can't contact again. Maybe having to do them one at a time will make you want to keep them less and you will end up deleteing them after all, just so you don't have to put any more of YOUR HARD WORK INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP!!! Didn't you put enough effort into it already? **sending hugs your way today** Yes FA, you are so right! I've already invested way too much time on him already! I am mostly going to concentrate on moving over all of my journal entries. When I get to his emails, I'll figure out what to do. I DO NOT want to read them since it will probably get me feeling sad. So I need to be careful.... Thanks FA! Hugs right back at you today! I hope you're having a great one! Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Well looks like I might have to actually give out this prize after all. Way to go NTH...you keep it up. Be sure to guard yourself from stirring up all those emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Well looks like I might have to actually give out this prize after all. Way to go NTH...you keep it up. Be sure to guard yourself from stirring up all those emotions. Okay... I DID IT! My email account is officially closed. I moved the emails and journal entries to another address. No more Facebook. No more email. Wow. This is huge. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Okay... I DID IT! My email account is officially closed. I moved the emails and journal entries to another address. No more Facebook. No more email. Wow. This is huge. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Big prize is coming...I promise! Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Okay... I DID IT! My email account is officially closed. I moved the emails and journal entries to another address. No more Facebook. No more email. Wow. This is huge. NWTH YOU ARE MY NEW HERO!!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE JUST LIKE YOU!!! Seriously this is a HUGE step, now you should do something wonderful for yourself to celebrate your strength! Reward yourself! Go get a mani/pedi. Buy yourself a new dress or that great new purse you have been wanting!! If everytime you take a step to further distance yourself from the A you reward yourself, you may actually start looking forward to the next step!! I really am very proud of you, and hope you are as proud of yourself! I hope I soon have the strength to follow directly in your footsteps!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 NWTH YOU ARE MY NEW HERO!!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE JUST LIKE YOU!!! Seriously this is a HUGE step, now you should do something wonderful for yourself to celebrate your strength! Reward yourself! Go get a mani/pedi. Buy yourself a new dress or that great new purse you have been wanting!! If everytime you take a step to further distance yourself from the A you reward yourself, you may actually start looking forward to the next step!! I really am very proud of you, and hope you are as proud of yourself! I hope I soon have the strength to follow directly in your footsteps!! Thank you DI and Fallen... thank you for the encouraging words. It felt so good to remove him from my Facebook, mainly because I knew that seeing pictures of his "happy" family (what a joke) was only making it harder on me. But I have to say that I am struggling with the email. I KNOW it's the right thing, but the thought of never hearing from him again has got me reeling. I know I need to look at it like the FB thing... just like seeing his pictures wasn't helping, getting his pathetic emails weren't helping either. Damn it. I don't know why I thought this would be easy. I am now obsessing about him MORE than I was before. He isn't worth this. I'm pissed that I'm close to shedding one more tear for him. I just don't want to be sad anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 NWTH YOU ARE MY NEW HERO!!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE JUST LIKE YOU!!! Seriously this is a HUGE step, now you should do something wonderful for yourself to celebrate your strength! Reward yourself! Go get a mani/pedi. Buy yourself a new dress or that great new purse you have been wanting!! If everytime you take a step to further distance yourself from the A you reward yourself, you may actually start looking forward to the next step!! I really am very proud of you, and hope you are as proud of yourself! I hope I soon have the strength to follow directly in your footsteps!! Okay Fallen... I've decided that you and I are going to take this journey together. Come along with me. We can do this. What step can you take TODAY? One step to cutting off contact from this man that isn't willing to make a life with you? What can you do today to take back some of your power? It's hard. Trust me, I know. But you can do it. We will help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Okay Fallen... I've decided that you and I are going to take this journey together. Come along with me. We can do this. What step can you take TODAY? One step to cutting off contact from this man that isn't willing to make a life with you? What can you do today to take back some of your power? It's hard. Trust me, I know. But you can do it. We will help you. ACK! You just tapped into one of my major character flaws!!! I am great about giving advice and encouragement to others, but HORRIBLE about taking it myself!!! Have you NOT read my tag line??? "Attempt not to deceive the god with thy mortal lips. Peer deep within thyself, and ask not questions to which thou already knowest the answer, seek not advice which thou dost not intend to obey." The truth is, I am just NOT ready to let him go yet. I know this about myself. I WANT to be ready, but if I were to try NC right now, I would fail miserably, and I think failure there would ultimately give him MORE power over me. I am ashamed to admit this, and will probably be flamed for it, but, I recently slipped and had physical (okay, sexual) contact with him again, after having gone several weeks without it. We have lessened the amount of all around contact we have. He used to spend on average three nights a week with me, sometimes more, sometimes less, but on average. Now it is less than one night a week, and MOST times while there is some physical contact there is no sex. (Just holding and hair stroking.... ugh.. how pathetic am I? That I am so needy I allow him to spend the night caressing me, and holding me and telling me all those sweet little lies??) I have quit emailing him altogether. I turn off my instant messenger so that he can't contact me like that all the time. I turn the ringer off on my phone and don't respond to EVERY call, or EVERY voice mail. They are such little tiny baby steps... I have told him that I can't keep doing this. I have told him that it breaks my heart, that it is unfair to me, that it is unfair to his W and that if he loves her enough to stay in his M then he needs to take all the time, affection and effort he spends on me and use it to fix what is broken in his marriage. But, I love him.... (Just seeing that makes me cringe, I feel pathetic, and writing it makes me see how broken I am.) I have started looking for a counselor. I have started trying to figure out the reasons why I am willing to accept so little, so that I can begin the process of healing the broken parts of my soul. I am sure that when I start to heal the holes in me, I will start to fill the empty places with something other than him.... But, I guess it is like a drug addiction, I have to really want to quit.... Right now, I just really want to WANT to.. does that make sense? But that is why I have decided not to ask for advice right now, only offer the bits that I can to help others, because I know i am not ready yet to accept the advice I am being offered..... I wish I knew how I ended up so broken... i wish there was an EASY cure for a broken soul.... But I will keep coming back, until I am ready to jump in with both feet like you have... and you will still be the hero whose actions inspire me. Thanks for that! Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Thank you DI and Fallen... thank you for the encouraging words. It felt so good to remove him from my Facebook, mainly because I knew that seeing pictures of his "happy" family (what a joke) was only making it harder on me. But I have to say that I am struggling with the email. I KNOW it's the right thing, but the thought of never hearing from him again has got me reeling. I know I need to look at it like the FB thing... just like seeing his pictures wasn't helping, getting his pathetic emails weren't helping either. Damn it. I don't know why I thought this would be easy. I am now obsessing about him MORE than I was before. He isn't worth this. I'm pissed that I'm close to shedding one more tear for him. I just don't want to be sad anymore. NTH...it gets worse before it gets better. You are getting closer to true NC...no email, no facebook, no nothing. As you get there...you will feel the pain of withdrawal. However...it is finite. I promise you that...it gets better...there is a possibility of recovery. Keeping contact with this man was a situation that would never end. It may have hurt less at times...but now you have a chance to be truly pain free. Don't you worry about your obsessions and your fears...this too shall pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 NTH...it gets worse before it gets better. You are getting closer to true NC...no email, no facebook, no nothing. As you get there...you will feel the pain of withdrawal. However...it is finite. I promise you that...it gets better...there is a possibility of recovery. Keeping contact with this man was a situation that would never end. It may have hurt less at times...but now you have a chance to be truly pain free. Don't you worry about your obsessions and your fears...this too shall pass. Deep down I know you are right (you usually are, damn it). But right now, I just don't know what to believe about all of this. I've seen postings from people that are still pining away for their xAPs YEARS after it all ended. You just had a setback after 10 weeks. I know it's normal, but I am so tired of feeling like this. It's pissing me off that I'm thinking about him MORE today, not less. He has been on my mind a lot today which I hate. I know I don't even want him. It's the addiction to those feelings. This is all a choice. I choose to be happy. Okay. How's my prize going? It better be good.... Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Im sorry this is hard but it seems that you are being stronger then you think.You are doing the right thing and you will meet someone who will make you feel good.keep strong take one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I think the reason they hold on to op was because they did not have the things answered they needed.But even when I have divoriced it took time for me to not hurt.It depends on your self.When you meet someone again and fall inlove it will only be a memory.Time will heal you.dont worry about tomarrow try to get by daily. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 I think the reason they hold on to op was because they did not have the things answered they needed.But even when I have divoriced it took time for me to not hurt.It depends on your self.When you meet someone again and fall inlove it will only be a memory.Time will heal you.dont worry about tomarrow try to get by daily. . Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot. I am actually married (like my xAP). I am working on my marriage and have been doing really well on that front. Removing my xAP from my life was my "next step" to fully reconnecting with my husband. I am trying to get the xAP out of my head so I can fully be present with my family. The pain I felt after my A ended was something I hope to never feel again. Like DI said, this is really the only way I can move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Okay. How's my prize going? It better be good.... Of course it will be good. We may need to wait until you have PM capabilities...unless I get really creative. Hang in there. Just tell yourself...this is to be expected. The set backs are to be expected. I may have had a rough night the other night...but you know what...it was nothing compared to where I used to be...up at night wondering what the heck I was going to do...which woman to be with...what would happen to my kids...the madness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Of course it will be good. We may need to wait until you have PM capabilities...unless I get really creative. Hang in there. Just tell yourself...this is to be expected. The set backs are to be expected. I may have had a rough night the other night...but you know what...it was nothing compared to where I used to be...up at night wondering what the heck I was going to do...which woman to be with...what would happen to my kids...the madness. I know.... I KNOW you're right. I don't know if you saw my other post. I went onto Facebook and I could ONCE AGAIN see the pictures of his wife and kids because a mutual friend commented on them. It was like getting kicked in the stomach. Okay... setbacks are to be expected. I need to remember that. This, too, shall pass. .... damn it. My H and I are doing so well right now. That's been part of my resolve to move on from all of this. I don't want his "ghost" to be here anymore. Thanks, DI. How's your world? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Way to go NTH!! Awesome Awesome Awesome!! How do you feel? Do you feel empowered now? Like you have taken a bit of control back? One day, you will be able to delete delete delete! I am so proud of you! You did great! One day at a time -- one step forward at a time. Keep up the good work! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Way to go NTH!! Awesome Awesome Awesome!! How do you feel? Do you feel empowered now? Like you have taken a bit of control back? One day, you will be able to delete delete delete! I am so proud of you! You did great! One day at a time -- one step forward at a time. Keep up the good work! Fooled... thank you SO much. All of these kind words are helping me so much. I think of you guys and I realize that I CAN do this. As for how I'm feeling -- right now, in this moment I feel like I want to throw up. I felt so good initially, but now my anxiety is so ramped up. I know I'm doing the right thing. I guess I can't imagine never speaking to him again. He has been a focus in my life for too long... but letting that go isn't going to be easy. I don't want him. He is weak and pathetic. He sucks in bed. He is selfish and self-absorbed. He isn't even that attractive. ....yet, I still have this idealized version of him in my head that has so little to do with who he is and everything to do with how he made me feel. He woke me up. He actually changed me. And right now I'm sitting here fighting back the tears that I know don't even make sense. I WANT to let him go. I was never going to leave my family for him. So where was it going to go? Even if I left my life for him, what we would have ended up with would have been almost impossible. That's the reality. Yet for whatever f*cked up reason my brain is still focused on the fantasy. I know this is the final stage of my detox from him. And we all know that detox sucks. It's almost like an exorcism. Like an amputation. I have such an awesome life now. I am so grateful to STILL have it based on the stupid choices I have made. So thank you again. Hopefully tomorrow in the light of day all of this will feel easier. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Okay... I DID IT! My email account is officially closed. I moved the emails and journal entries to another address. No more Facebook. No more email. Wow. This is huge. Congrats! You should be SO PROUD OF YOURSELF. This took alot of courage and strength to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Congrats! You should be SO PROUD OF YOURSELF. This took alot of courage and strength to do. Thanks WWIU!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts