DaveJ77 Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 Hey everyone, hope you guys can help me out and help my gf too. I have never cheated on her in the past three years, and have treated her very well, and we are planning to get engaged. However, two months ago, I moved to another city, and her brother was helping me move. He asked me to go to a strip club, because he had never been to one in a long time, so I could not say no, first of all because I am sure and confident in myself i was not gonna get any lapdances (and even if I did, i dont consider that cheating) and second, I could not say NO to a person whe helped me move 600 miles, so I figured i would just go in and have a beer. and thats what we did. We just went in, had a beer watched some nude women dance and left... I told her about it, and she made a huge deal out of it, telling me that i degraded her, and now she is going to start doing whatever she pleases. She told me that she is going to go and find some male strip club, or even go out with some guy... I told her that there is a difference betweek what I did, and what she thinks would be a good way to get even with me, but she insists that there is no difference. Can you someone please let me know how do I make this woman realize that she is taking this too seriously and overexagerating! Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 i agree she is over-reacting. i think what she desires now is the redistribution of power - so, actually, her going to a male strip club with a couple of friends might help her feel less insecure. i understand why you might see it as revenge, but for her it may be an attempt to demonstrate equality and independence. i think there are more productive ways to do this for women, but i do understand her need for symmetry. and, of course, i am presuming you would have no problem with her going to a strip club, getting lap dances, etc, since these are the parameters you yourself have established. cheers, j Link to post Share on other sites
HappyMonkeh Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 I have been seeing my gf for about the same period of time, and we too plan to get married AND yes I ended up at a strip-club etc. I have had a slightly different soucre of my seeking out the strip-club scene, and that was because my gf decided to go to UK for 14 months and we live in Australia BUT... At first I felt guitly for going, but after a while I just thought both the guilt and going to the strip-club were pointelss. I realised obviously there was something I was missing in my life(sex/woman) and the only way I could find some release was to go to the strip-club for a lappy. Eventually we got over the 14 month seperation and remained together with no cheating on either end (but that isn't to say we had a hard time remaining together - in fact it was a nightmare, and an emotional on at that!). Now there's a new problem. She's back and still find myself going when I am blind, stinking drunk. And do I get the guilts the next day? Hell yeah. In fact on Saturday I went out with a mate and his female flatmate, got absolutely off my nut, and began flriting like some dirty sleeze with this poor girl. Okay, the worst thing I did was put my hands on her legs, but still I feel like I have cheated on my gf as if I had picked up, kissed and had sex with this girl, and none of which happened. Go figure. I don't even find her remotely attractive! Alcohol is wierd, and guilt is even wierder... Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 I think she is over reacting. I have no problem with my boyfriend reading 'mens' magazines, watching naked women on TV, or going to strip clubs for a laugh with his friends (although this has only happened once in a blue moon). Neither have I problems with him commenting on women. It is all fantasy, and people fantasize. There is no harm in that - only if it becomes a reality. If you try and restrict peoples freedom, then you only make a problem out of something that is not real. It is people who are 'real' that can be the big threat. However, if she does decide to go to a strip club, then you must not make a fuss. This would be hypocritical. I agree with Jenny that women can strike a balance in better ways and I think women don't find as much pleasure in this, as it seems that men are more turned on by the female form than women, unless it's her boyfriend. But there is no difference in her going to a strip club. It is fantasy again. What I did once was I went to a strip club (womens) WITH my boyfriend and we laughed the whole time. There is really nothing for anyone to feel threatened about.......and it is important to lighten up because the opposite sex and sex is all around us in this society. but it has nothing to do with love, and companionship and all those things that cement a good, healthy relationship. You must be understanding with her, because she is obviously feeling a bit insecure over the thought over you finding pleasure in watching other women. Reassure her that it in no way competes with how she makes you feel. However, a lap dance, that is one step TOO far. Fantasy should only be played out at a distance. When you start bringing people to you on a close physical basis, you are stepping over the line. But if you can honestly say that you'd have no problem with a sexy muscular man dancing over your girl, then you obviously both have differently values. My guess is that it would actually piss you off and so I think you had better reassess what you practise and what you preach. I think I would be hard pushed to find a guy who would be totally fine with some other guy interacting sexually with his girl. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 I don't consider it "cheating" unless you are doing things on the sly and keeping secrets from your partner. A good indicator of bad relationship behavior is when you are doing something that you would not like your partner to do, or are doing something you would be uncomfortable having your partner witness. It's good that you told your girlfriend, but sometimes waiting until after the deed has already been done does little to establish a bond of trust between you. Perhaps if you had called before heading to the club, this ugly mess could have been avoided. Then again --- maybe she wouldn't have let you go. Over-reacting or not, your girlfriend is likely to use this incident as her 'get out of jail free card.' And maybe teach you a lesson about how it feels to have the shoe on the other foot. Your best bet is to remain as indifferent as you would have liked her to be. As Jenny said, she's probably just reasserting her equality. No one likes double standards. If you don't like her hanging out at strip clubs, then perhaps in the future you should avoid them too. Fair is fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 To be honest Dave....it shocked me when I read post after post on LS from women who were truly upset due to their husband/boyfriend going to a strip club. I'm sure there is a reason for them being upset.....I just haven't found it yet. As I've posted before, I work on a Navy base with two Nudie bars right outside the gates. We go there after work all the time for a couple of beers. Why any woman would be upset over that...I have no idea. The women who dance there are just making a living. They aren't trying to pick up some woman's man. I would suggest taking her to the place you went....so she can see for herself...it's not a pick up joint. It's just a place to drink....and hang out. Dark....sleazy...and smokey.....the PERFECT bar!!! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
HappyMonkeh Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 I think it is because most of us in our society are brought up believing in ideals that don't really exist. Women are brought up to believe in a man who loves/lusts for only them - the whole knight in shining armour nonsense. For men it is all about how women are baby machines with big breast and want to spend all day rooting. But when you live in reality, ideals and what actually IS are two different things. So when your ideals collide with reality, you get confilict, so people get upset. Yet if women were brought up in believing that's men are reproduction machines and we should just accept that, and women were taught to be sex providers, we'd be making babies all over the place, and our society would collapse. So a woman's jealousy could be looked at a way of keeping a guy's seed in check. Strip bars are a good thing because it helps us release our very strong carnal desires to mate left, right and centre, and so you don't get pent up angry emotions. I think if women were brought up to accept that men are randy BUT at the same time men are brought up understanding the problems of straying both emotionally and socially, then both would support the idea of strip clubs and perhaps we'd be living in a less stress free society. Perhaps this, though, is why many relationships don't work. If a man is designed to coppulate (spl?) and is brought up in a monogomous world, and that woman doesn't do enough to realease his sexcual frustration, i think you would end up being in more of an emotional mess than ever. An ideal world is one of free love, yet an ideal world like that in reality would cause us some major social problems (i mean crikey as if we aren't an overpopulated planet already as it is!). Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Dave - Yes, she is overreacting, but unfortunately a lot of women feel that men looking at other women do so because they prefer the other women. This is about self-esteem and is not a matter easily repaired. Do what the other posters recommended; give her lots of reassurance that she's the only one you want. HappyMonk - and still find myself going when I am blind, stinking drunk Any particular reason you need to get 'blind, stinking drunk' frequently? Hell, if I were your GF, I'd be a lot more disturbed about the drinking than the strip clubs. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Hello, I agree she is overeacting but there is something going on here that others are not picking up on. Your girlfriend said not only would she go to a stripclub also but she feels she has a right to go out with another man. This is a huge red flag. I would really think twice about being engaged to this woman. You go to a stripclub and tell her about it and she now tells you she has a right to go out with another man? What is wrong with this picture? I believe there is a huge message she is sending you in that if you ever anger her she will get back at you by going out with another man? I think you reallly need to open your eyes. Why would you wish to be with someone who would threaten you this way? I wish you luck because you will need it if you wish to stay with such a controlling person. Link to post Share on other sites
snowgirl Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Dave, If you were aware that attending strip bars were against her value system, then you should have thought twice...however, if all you really did was have a drink and leave, it is no big deal ! If you got a lap dance, that is a "grey" area...but by the sounds of it, you didnt not. It was just an innocent night out with the boys, that is all. If it bothers her that much dont make a habit out of it. She needs to realize that strip clubs are just a place for guys to bond, drink and most of the time make fun of strippers. If she is secure in herself, she will let this one slide.... take care Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 Early on in our marriage, my TBEW told me she didn't like the idea of me going to strip clubs. She eventually softened on this and I did go a few times. I never participated in "private dances" because, to me, that was too much like cheating and I would have felt guilty for doing it. (She'd also made my friends promise not to hire a stripper for my bachelor party, and they didn't.) Turns out, she'd had one affair right before our wedding, and another that started within 8 weeks of our wedding, and then another a few years later. The sickening part is that most of my friends cringed when they heard me decline private dances and explain why I was declining. The reason they cringed is that they were aware of affair #3 for at least a year before I found out in August of this year, and had been placed in a rotten situation; two of them sat TBEW down last summer and said, stop the affair NOW or we tell your husband. Oh well... a few weeks ago I went to Vegas, a week after I moved out, and experienced what I'd been missing, guilt-free. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 You GOOOO Resovoir!!!! That's why women often times don't trust men....they are figuring from their OWN actions!!! Sorry you had a crappy situations though......... Link to post Share on other sites
snowgirl Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 Resevoir dog, Good for you for being the honourable person in your relationship till the very end. You shoud have no regrets about the way you conducted yourself and remember what goes around comes around. Snowgirl Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 I can see where your gf is coming from but I don't know about the getting even part, especially about going out with another man. I don't agree with frequent trips or lap dances though. For bachelor parties and few other instances but definitely no lap dances. I will also request that my man's friends not have strippers at a bachelor party when the time comes. I don't need them at mine either. I practice what I preach. I have spoke my mind about this before on other postings so I'll stop there. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 I don't have much time at the moment, and didn't have time to read through everyone's comments but simply, if that were my bf, I would be devasted. I think it would be disrespectful to the other person and not in their best interests at all. If you're so comfortable about knowing nothing was going to come of it, why did you feel the need to go there? You could of said no but you didn't. I wouldn't like it if my bf felt the need to look at other sluts parading their naked bodies around him. But that's the good thing about this site, it's merely my opinion and how I'D feel...I couldn't deal with it, maybe I'm just a weak person, but at the same time I shouldn't have to put up with anything that makes me uncomfortable or unhappy...but if she lets you get away with that, what are you going to try and get away with next? I've made it clear that this is unacceptable to me, even on the night before his wedding. I am not having a party myself, and don't feel that I am missing out on anything. If you're committing yourself to someone for life, it starts right then and there when you've made that choice... Link to post Share on other sites
flyswatter04 Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 i fully agree with a lot of people. i think she is over-reacting. a lot of women so to strip bars to. if you think about it porn is about the same thing. only stripping does not have any cheasy acting. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 I don't agree that stip clubs are the same as porn. Stip clubs are live people not just pictures, but I don't like either one. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 It's ALL in the trust. If you trust the guy, nothing will happen, and it IS the same thing as porn. If you DONT trust him, and have good reason to, then maybe you shouldn't be with him to begin with if you think he's going to screw around on you with a stripper. Speaking of, I'd never mess around with a stripper unless I was in a full body condom. Blegh. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Well, it would bother me if my boyfriend went to a strip club. I don't think I could have sex with him for awhile because I would think that he was fantasizing about one (or more) of the strippers and just using me. I can't help it. That's what I would think and how I would feel. And I do think it's different from porn. These are real women, not airbrushed pictures on a piece of paper. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaybird Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 Personally, I feel differently than most people here. My boyfriend just had his 19th birthday recently (I am 18), and I found out he went to a stripclub. I didn't feel angry, I felt sad and ugly. I felt nausea at the thought of him watching women with beautiful bodies dance practically naked. We also met when we were intoxciated so whenever I think about him drinking at the bar 'with the guys', and me not in the picture, I feel a bit sick. But, I trust him implicitly...I do agree with a lot of the posters though, in that I think I feel this way because I am insecure with my own body image and self-esteem. However, I asked him not to go and he said that was fine. If he had not agreed to do that, we would have had to find a way to compromise. I think you should respect the fact that it makes her feel uncomfortable, firstly. Realize, too, a lot of what she said was probably said out of anger, because she felt hurt, and wanted you to hurt, too. Chances are she didn't really mean she wanted to go out with another man.... good luck:) jaybird Link to post Share on other sites
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