Lostme23 Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 I have a quesion here. Met a guy a year ago when I was just breaking up with the one I thought was the life of my life. I wasn't looking just met him by chance. A friend of my introduced us. We started hanging out but I wasn't ready to start anything. We are both divorcees and we pretty much got divorced around the same time 4 years ago. I liked him cause he was taking it very slow and respecting the fact I was not ready. Well, I thought that is why he was taking it slow. Fast foward 7 months we ended up getting physical and after that he started pulling away. I mean he still called me all the time and we hung out but he would not even kiss me . I asked what happen and he said he was not ready for a R and we should be friends because he really likes me. I wasn't happy but accepted. One day 3 months into only friends R he kissed my lips, when I asked what he was doing he got very upset and we ended up fighting and I ignorehis calls for a while . When I finally gave him and called him back. He apolozised for acting the way he did.We remained friends but he still kept giving mixed messages, so I asked if he would want try to date again and he said he was thinking of it. He said he didn't want a R but I was wearing him down and he likes me. It has been 2 months now since he said that and all he does is hugg me and give me a quick kiss when we say goodbye and he still giving mixed messages. Last week I told him that we should make a final decision either be friends or have a r cause this limbo thing is killing me. We ended up having a fight cause he didin't want to talk about it. So I left the place where we were. I called him from the car and said I should just move on with my life and we should not hang out for anymore. He didn,t answer so I hung up. Not even 5 min. later he called me back and said to wait and give him a little more time. I am not sure what is going on here can someone shine a light on it? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 I think he's stringing you along. It has been said many times on this board, and I'm finally starting to believe in my own life, that if someone loves you they will be with you no matter what. If he really wanted to be in a relationship with you, then he would move in that direction even if he did it slowly. He would not keep you in a constant state of limbo. It's by far a much too painful situation for you to be in. You also have to watch your temper. Blowing up at him, fighting with him, arguments, hanging up, etc, is not very rational behavior. These actions will further push him away, make him confused and make him not want to enter in a drama filled relationship. I fully understand you are in a irrational situation in the state of limbo, but you really have to keep the argumentative behavior in check. That will clearly not help the situation. He obviously needs time to think, but how much time should you continue to give him? If he needs space to think, then at the very least he should give you a check in date. If he were to tell you that he needs to think about it and he needs complete space to think and he will talk to you in a week, then at least you know. You can expect a response. But the open ended space is just too painful. You have no idea what is going on and it makes no sense and it hurts to feel like you are being shunned by someone you care so much about. I would say that you two need to talk like adults about what is going on, his behavior seems very childish but it sounds like your explosive responses are not helping either. It should be in a very comfortable and private place and no subject should be taboo. Yes, it might be emotional and hard but in the long run it will be the best for both of you. No healthy relationship/friendship/acquaintanceship/ etc can survive in silence. If he doesn't want to talk, then he needs to know that no matter what happens his actions this time will have consequences. You simply cannot put your life on hold anymore. He has to respect that, but you have to respect that he may not be ready for a big R right now. But if he's not ready, he shouldn't be stringing you along either. But the more you push, the more he pushes back. I know it's hard when you really feel for someone. But remember, you can lead the donkey to the water but you can't make the jackass drink. Sometimes you just have to let go of the things you cannot control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostme23 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 Thanks WT, Your answer was very wise. He actually mention when we were fighting that was the very thing he didn't want. No drama. I will try to control my temper but he has to learn how to comunicate too. i thought that he is not that into me , but what I don't understand is..Whenever I try to move on he will start to pursue me and ask to wait.Now if he dosen't like me why he acts like that? Is that part of string me along? If I don't call him he will call . he never goes longer than 48hrs without calling me, most times he calls every other day. Everyone in his life knows I exist . I met his kids a couple of times... He is usually a looner and he never brings anyone to his apt, not even friends. I went there many times to hang out. He hates talking on the phone but he will spend more than a hour on the phone with me. He is very conservative with money ,but whenever we go out he insistes in paying the bill.He worries about me too. That is what makes me confused .The way he acts tells me he likes me. Few months ago when I said we should hang out less or maybe not hang out at all . he kept telling me he liked me and would miss me. So if he is not into me , why won't he let me go? Because of my company? it is not because of sex cause we don't do it. He said he won't do it until he is ready to have a R, cause otherwise he feels he would be using me. This is very confusing. I decided to wait until the end of the year if nothing changes I will have to break my heart and move on....... Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 It sounds as if he's comfortable in the situation as it IS, and he's scared of what it could BECOME. It could be a mental block inside his head. When people are hurting, some of them curl up into an ass-ball (like those bugs you touch and they curl up, head to ass, to create a protective ball) and no one but themselves can make them come out of it. The more you push, the more you pry the harder they will curl up. What these other people fail to realize is that they are expecting you to wait around for some day that may never come. It's putting almost impossible strain on you, which you in turn, return that stress to them seeking answers. He could be into you, I know I do everything he does when I am interested in a girl. But there is something getting in the way and he cannot expect you to read his mind to find out why. He can't expect you to keep waiting and nor should you. I know this situation is probably the hardest to move on from, because you see the immense potential. Maybe you should let him know he has until the end of the year to figure his stuff out? It could get him working on things and it could backfire. It is indeed too confusing and it really isn't fair for the both of you. If it were me, I would try to get him to sit down and tell you EXACTLY what is going on in his head and make it 100% clear to him that you cannot wait around forever. Do you think he would open up to that or would he shut down? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostme23 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 WT, So you agree with me that I am not crazy and he acts like he is interested...good I was starting to doubt myself here.. It is useless to talk, cause he gets very defensive and we end up fighting. He once said the more I talk about it the harder it is.... He had a very bad marriage and a horrible divorce and I think that is what is holding him back. I told him that I am not interested in getting married either cause I had a bad marriage and a horrible divorce too. I told him right now all I wanted is company and some affection. Well most guys would go for it....I don't even think I want to live with someone for now or any time soon. I have 3 kids and I am very busy with them..So I would not be a great partner, but I could be a good girfriend. we are both in the similar situation and he cannot give me full time atention either, but I want a bit more than what he gives me. I think he is not over his ex yet, although he swears he is. He will spend all the holidays with her and her new boyfriend and the kids. I am completely excluded cause A she hates me and B I don't think it is normal to spend holidays with your "friend/boyfriend" exwife. She still has a lot of control over him and she put the kids against him. He even mention she was what was getting him in the way of starting over.She is jelous of me and I never even met her, but she let it clear she hates me. I been thinking today that I should just move on and let him come after me if he wants, but on the other hand I like him a lot and we have good times together. Saturday we went out ,all we did was have some drinks ,one or two drinks only. and I had a great time. Sometimes all we do is to walk his dog and sit in his patio and drink a beer and I have a good time. Cause I love his company... I told him I would not wait anymore when we had a fight last week and that is when he asked a little more time. He said it will be less than 2 months but he did not put a date. So decided to give him 3 months. It just breaks my heart to move on cause I am very much into him. I find him very attractive and I love his company. He is also very understanding about my kids. If I have to change plans or leave in the middle of a "date" because something is going on with the kids , he never makes a fuss. You see... most man have no pattient to that, but because he has kids he understands...... ARgh...what a mess. Thanks WT for listen to me and give me some insights..... As a guy ...do you think if I ignored him a little, you know gave him space, call less, go out less, let him miss me. Do yu think he would make a move faster? That is what my girlfriends tell me to do, but I hate this little games. Thanks, Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 we ended up getting physical and after that he started pulling away. DUH! He got what he was after--sex. After he got it, he began to lose interest. In short, he played you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostme23 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 ADF it is not that simple cause . I been played before and I am telling you I know it. This man care for me in many ways he is just paralized and I am not sure why... Link to post Share on other sites
Miko Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 It almost sounds like either A. She has some legal leverage over him, maybe related to the kids and he doesn't want to piss her off. or B. He doesn't want to 'talk about it' because he's embarrassed about A ...OR when you try to talk about it with him maybe it reminds him of his ex wife nagging him about stuff and he's afraid that it'll turn out the same way. It does sound kinda peculiar that you guys always get in fights about it. Chances are that he knows, if he's got any brains, that if you do start seriously dating that you'll end up married soon and that's scary for him. Was his divorce nastier than most? How about yours? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts