TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I guess I'm confused then. What changes, really, did he make? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 i think i feel this void b/c we were communicating constantly every single day.now nothing and i hope he's ok. he would say things to me like "you're crushing my world" or "why are you being so cold? just stabbing me in my back like everybody else". i think that's it...the NC is getting to me a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 I guess I'm confused then. What changes, really, did he make? lol...it's ok. i posted them in your quotes. my responses are bold and say LUVFLOWER. check out the body of your quote that i responded to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 i really miss him... but don't miss his drama. after my NC he got really spiteful and that's not cool...at all. Link to post Share on other sites
patkirk Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I think the biggest problem here is time, and why most dumpers come off seeming like the bad guys. I tend to think as a rule, if you're dating someone and subsequently become exclusive you should give yourself a few months to decide whether this is a relationship you'd like to invest in, the differences you mention such as being outdoorsy and him the opposite obviously came up early in the relationship and should have a been something you seriously consider before settling down. I've noticed on LS most people's relationships are a year onwards, some even upwards of 10. Past experience has shown me that within 3 months you should pretty much know the person you're with and whether you want to go on or not, if not, call it off, if so invest and if you're the marrying type, a year is good enough to decide whether you want to marry this person or not. I know situations are different, but if you've been with a person for more than a year, you owe them to handle every problem that surfaces with your utmost effort or get out if you haven't already. I think this is why dumpers are looked at like so, relationships that go for soooo long then an abrupt break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 I think the biggest problem here is time, and why most dumpers come off seeming like the bad guys. I tend to think as a rule, if you're dating someone and subsequently become exclusive you should give yourself a few months to decide whether this is a relationship you'd like to invest in, the differences you mention such as being outdoorsy and him the opposite obviously came up early in the relationship and should have a been something you seriously consider before settling down. I've noticed on LS most people's relationships are a year onwards, some even upwards of 10. Past experience has shown me that within 3 months you should pretty much know the person you're with and whether you want to go on or not, if not, call it off, if so invest and if you're the marrying type, a year is good enough to decide whether you want to marry this person or not. I know situations are different, but if you've been with a person for more than a year, you owe them to handle every problem that surfaces with your utmost effort or get out if you haven't already. I think this is why dumpers are looked at like so, relationships that go for soooo long then an abrupt break up. i feel you...thanks for your calm response.i've felt some hostility on some of these posts about dumpers. you're right though. there should be a certain level of committment after a certain time that both parties should have.i totally agree with that. you sound like that was your situation...? in my case, we'd only been together for about 3 or 4 months and he decides wants to try and get me prego."ah, maybe later...?" i had to tell him str8 up that he needs to chill out with that b/c i/we just werent ready for that.plus he wanted us to move in together and he proposed to me and all.it was a lot going on around the same time while there were issue that existed that wouldn't allow me to feel comfortable enough to commit to him yet. so since then a few lightweight things have changed but not the greater issues.and it kind of hurts that there's nothing that can be done about some things that negatively affect the relationship as a whole. otherwise i wanted to be committed,i really did but there are serious roadblocks... Link to post Share on other sites
bluestraps Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Ive never been a dumper !! Link to post Share on other sites
bluestraps Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 i appreciate every single comment made. thanks guys, really. i'm realizing that i clearly told him that i didn't want him to change who he was for me b/c i would never get to know the REAL HIM. he didn't make any MAJOR changes after we broke up. he wanted us to do all these things outdoors...b/c that's what i like. there were things i had to work on as well and i knew that some things were just a part of who i am and would never change.i think he wanted me to be less of the free spirit that i am. while we were still in communication he started trying to do more active outdoor activites with me,which is what he knows i like to do.he works all the time and is tired when he gets off.so i could really respect him for trying even when i knew he'd be tired. however,he couldn't keep the momentum up b/c the reality is that he works all the time.our schedules conflicted. when we first started our relationship he did not have some of the same responsibilities as he now has. so the dynamics changed a bit and i wasn't ready. he always tried to convince me that everything will work itself out and be ok.truth is, i frequently thought silently to myself about how i could possibly deal will that eventhough it wasn't my responsibility.(i'm being vague b/c it's personal,sorry). >>>so i respect him for taking care of business,but on the other hand it's unfortunate that i would be getting the short end of the stick because "it is what it is" and b/c of the way he chooses to deal with the situation i'm being vague about. so i chose to remove myself to avoid nagging.i don't like feeling like i'm beating a dead horse so i told him i'd rather remove myself from the equation...to me THAT is being brave. i really like the way he showed his love for me but there were differences that i should have paid closer attention to when we fist met. this is why its sooooooooooooo (can't stress it enough)soooooooo important to not move too fast. he tried to get me pregnant several times,proposed to me and wanted us to live together within 4-5 months into our relationship.mentioned things like he was uncomfortable being around me and other guys...certain things were happening that i should have taken more seriously,sooner.i discussed some things with him ad nauseum (when the topic would come up), perhaps i wasnt firm enough...early on. i have lived and learned... Some people are considered people pleasers we get our good feelings from doing things that make others happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 Some people are considered people pleasers we get our good feelings from doing things that make others happy. hi bluestraps! haven't been back to the thread in a while. thanks for the responses! so are you saying that my ex was a people pleaser or myself? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Being a dumper does not make someone a villian, and if you read carefully, you'll see it is not thet fact of getting dumped that so upsets people. Whhat upsets them is the manner in which some dumpers do the deed. They disappear. They tell lies. They fall back on stupid cliches ("it's not you, it's me"). They hide the fact they've been chaeting. And so on. A person who tells you they're dumping you and why is not doing anything wrong. If they are miserable in a relationship, they are doing all they can do. Unfortunately, too many dumpers lack common human decency. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 Being a dumper does not make someone a villian, and if you read carefully, you'll see it is not thet fact of getting dumped that so upsets people. Okay... I created this thread because I was forced to break up with my guy after discussing with him on several occasions what the problems were. He tries to play games and act as if his issues will change and that he is an angel, when he's nowhere near it. I would have definitely been in chaos, had I stayed with him. I DID share with him the reason(s) NUMEROUS times, why I broke up with him. I do read VERY carefully. This thread isn't about other people's reasons for being upset, it's about my ex's reason for being upset... So if that's sarcasm in your post it's so not necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Dumpers have feelings too! So does cockroaches but i don't want them in my house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 So does cockroaches but i don't want them in my house. so DO cockroaches ,not so DOES... aren't you a BITTER comedian...if you had any common sense you'd know that everyone will be a dumper and a dumpee someday. let me make it clear that i have been on the receiving end as well, so i know what it's like. i'm just saying in this situation i was the dumper...that does not define me just b/c putting up with b.s. was not an option. either be miserable dealing with his drama and controlling behavior or leave which i did. thank you;) Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 so DO cockroaches ,not so DOES... aren't you a BITTER comedian...if you had any common sense you'd know that everyone will be a dumper and a dumpee someday. let me make it clear that i have been on the receiving end as well, so i know what it's like. i'm just saying in this situation i was the dumper...that does not define me just b/c putting up with b.s. was not an option. either be miserable dealing with his drama and controlling behavior or leave which i did. thank you;) Me think the lady protest to much.... if you did it in a mature respectful way after working hard to make it work, great. I suspect he was full of drama and was controlling when you first meet him. And I suspect that rather then looking for support for dumiping you should be trying to figure out why you was attracted to a drama filled, controlling guy. I suspect if you you do that and post what you have learned I will be the first to compliment you. And I suspect you will see this post as bitter rather then a significant piece of advise that can help you make real improvements in your life. take care Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Yes dumpers have feelings too, my ex lost sleep for over a year worrying about what to do for the best. He tried to tell me there were problems, I didn't take him seriously, he felt he had no choice but to leave, I don't blame him, I don't feel he's done anything wrong for leaving, like he said-it would have hurt me more if he had stayed as he couldn't give me what I need as a partner anymore. I feel horribly rejected and abandoned, but I don't blame him for leaving, he is not a bad person for leaving and I am not a bad person for screwing up. He thinks he could have made more of a fuss that he wasn't happy but I think he made it clear and I didn't take him seriously. We should have stopped and talked about it properly long ago. 18 years gone through lack of communication. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Yes dumpers have feelings too... No they don't. They are soulless creatures. Soulless I tell you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 No they don't. They are soulless creatures. Soulless I tell you!!! Careful USCHokie lovflower does not take humor well..... Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 :laugh: No they don't. They are soulless creatures. Soulless I tell you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 Me think the lady protest to much.... if you did it in a mature respectful way after working hard to make it work, great. I suspect he was full of drama and was controlling when you first meet him. And I suspect that rather then looking for support for dumiping you should be trying to figure out why you was attracted to a drama filled, controlling guy. I suspect if you you do that and post what you have learned I will be the first to compliment you. And I suspect you will see this post as bitter rather then a significant piece of advise that can help you make real improvements in your life. take care i'm not looking for a compliment, lol...especially not from anyone like you. and fyi, the i did not know of his drama up front. i would have never stayed w/him had i been aware. mind you we stayed together for like 5 months. the break up has presented most of the drama...not during the relationship so you are the one who needs to read instead of making ignorant comments. you are way too bitter. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Dumpers/dumpees...yada yada. I think "dumpees" do get the short end of the stick of course, but in my experience there is always a valid reason for the dumper to dump. People who pass judgement on dumpers are most likely just bitter as someone mentioned earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 i'm not looking for a compliment, lol...especially not from anyone like you. and fyi, the i did not know of his drama up front. i would have never stayed w/him had i been aware. mind you we stayed together for like 5 months. the break up has presented most of the drama...not during the relationship so you are the one who needs to read instead of making ignorant comments. and the controlling part... you nicely passed over that...INTERESTING ... GrayClouds... And I suspect you will see this post as bitter rather then a significant piece of advise that can help you make real improvements in your life. VS you are way too bitter. WOW I am insightful! Have a happy life Link to post Share on other sites
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