Well, I blew up today and am leaving her.

[steveb]

Well, I blew up today and am leaving her.

 

History: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t29148/

 

I came home for lunch and noticed a job app on the table.

Her reference was a Chris Sxxxxx.

My brain said, who is this? This can't be the same Chris that started me noticing our problems, could it? The "freind" with inapropriet text messages before her current "friend"??

 

I looked at the phone number and it was the same guy.

 

I ten remebered that on the email to her friends for her "girl only" birthday party, there was an e-mail address or something. Same guy.

 

Sooo, She had invited both of the guys that I had issues with to her "girl only" party.

 

I can't deal with this deceit any longer.

 

I packed and left. I called her to let her know and she is still trying to make excuses like I didn't "call" him, as if she was a freakin attorney. No, she invited him to her party via email, I guess she didn't "call" him. lol

 

I'm done, My bank is empty.

 

I will not be seperated, because she will be doing the same crap as now. Divorse is my only option at this point.

[moimeme]

So your depressed, unmedicated, untreated wife did something during the period before she'd even seen a counsellor. She has since agreed to work on the relationship. She wants to get a job and needs a reference. How many references does she even have? You are leaving without even asking why this guy is on her applicaton? You're not going to ask about her inviting him to the party?

 

Steve, you are acting on all the anger and jealousy you've had built up. Now you're jumping to conclusions. The very least you could do would be have it out with her - let her explain. Besides, you have never suggested she is actually having an affair with anybody - and yet you're about to call it quits?

 

Don't do anything rash. Go do something until you calm down and then TALK TO HER. Get yourselves to counselling. Hang on until the meds take effect. Don't be leaping off the cliff based on your assumptions.

 

The absolute WORST thing you can do is to judge someone without presenting them with the evidence you have and letting them defend themselves. There's a reason that the justice system demands this - to do anything else is unfair, period.

[steveb]

Ironically, when I confront her (calmly), She gets mad at me that I even put 2 and 2 togeter.

She also stated that I am making things worse by trying to keep tabs on her. (she may be right on this one)

But thought all of this turmoil over the last 2 months, she still goes out to see these guys and she still tries to be deceitful.

 

I am lost. I do not feel that it is my bravado getting the better of me, because I keep giving in, while she doesn't change anything.

 

I accepted what she had done, and was willing to fix the problems that originally let her there. Yet, she continues to lie to me,

 

If I remain the "sucker", I will still lose in the end. ??

If I leave, I can have some form of dignity.

If she leaves me, she will make it my fault.

 

?????????????. I am just sooo messed up.

 

I haven't worked at work for at least 3 weeks. (thank goodness, I have a good crew under me) I barely eat anymore.

I wanted to forget the past and try trusting her, but she just wont stop.

[moimeme]

Steve

 

Get thee to a counsellor. If you aren't both going to marriage counselling, go yourself. Yes, you are having a rotten time and yes, she has been acting badly - but she's only just gone to the doc. She's not going to be 100% repaired just like that. If you possibly can, decide that you will hunt for no more evidence and give the meds a chance to kick in. Then both of you go for counselling. Talk therapy will work much better when she's back on an even keel. This is probably not a hopeless case, but it needs some time to repair. Ironically, it is often just the point at which something might finally turn around that people want to throw in the towel. Resist that urge. You don't want to quit now and realize later that you gave up too soon. But get yourself to a counsellor. The stress of all this is taking its toll and you need to do something to help yourself feel better. Heck, you may even be depressed and need some meds yourself! These sorts of problems can do that to one.

[zero]

I can see where you are coming from.

 

If I may make a few suggestions:

 

Get yourself to a councelor. I am seeing one now and he helps me see things quite differently.

Like you I have a tough time eating and cant really focus on work too much. KAY said it best though - one day at a time.

 

If you remain a "sucker" as you call it - yep that is what you will be. However, you will have the dignity and pride knowing you stuck it out. Part of that is to accept you need to be the best husband you can possibly be. No more snooping, second guessing, etc. It really comes down to an honest evaluation of your character.

 

If you leave you will have dignity. That is true.

 

If she leaves you and tries to make it your fault...well - I think you will know that is not true. You are not helping much with your jealousy.

 

In the end - Here is what I would do (and did do - which is leading me to divorce, unfortunately)...

 

Sit down with her. Put the past behind you.

Be calm and a good husband.

Ask her if she wants to be your wife.

Ask her if she really wants to try - or if she is trying out of guilt or for some other reason that is not a good/healthy reason to try.

 

Just have a good honest conversation.

Dont bring up the dating, dont bring up your failures or hers at this point - just the simple question of do you want to be married.

Are you both willing to give 100% to resolving issues?

 

For me - it was a tough conversation.

In the end though - I understand her a bit more and see that no matter what I would have done - it would not have worked out.

I made it very clear to her that I was willing to give 100% to trying to salvage our relationship, but came to understand that she did not have it in her to do this...and a realized she never really had it in her to start with.

 

After that - I had my dignity (I did everything I could to make it work)

I was no sucker - I knew where I stood in the relationship and WE made the choice together.

At that point she could not make it my fault - or hers really - it was a choice we both made given the road before us.

 

If you want to chat - Im on yaaahooooo!!! IM - name is troxela.

[LadyX]

I think that marriage counseling in this case is like beating a dead horse. Let her be free to do the things she wants...

she acts like she's single anyway. Divorce...then get counseling for yourself.

[moimeme]

Actually, Steve, as I think about it, you may well be depressed. If you can't work and you're not eating, you're showing symptoms. Time to get yourself looked after.

[zero]

I am not a depressed person, but when I went to the therapist for the first time - we did a few "tests".

 

Basically I came away with a depression disorder. A very common one due to life changes.

 

not eating

not sleeping well

interfering with work/activities.

 

So - yes - get yourself in asap. Dont push it off. call today.

[steveb]

I made an appointment to a counceler, well they are supposed to call me back to "make" the appointment, but the desicion has been made.

I must be depressed.

 

I look for the negative in everything.

I anger easily.

I am not hungry at all because my stomache is in knots. I have only eaten one bowl of cereal in three days. (my waist is down to 33" though. lol)

[steveb]

It is ironic that I am driving my wife away while I stress over her.

Depression can definatley be counter productive.

[lost_in_chgo]

You have every reason to be upset.

 

Counselling is a good idea though.

She needs to understand that she is in the wrong and that she will have to make amends. That includes accounting for her time for awhile until you can reestablish trust. If she isn't interested in making amends she isn't worth it.

[zuzupetalz]

New to forum and wow, Steve, you got some smart people giving feedback. I would follow advice, having been devastated myself and in a stupor for about 6 months thereafter.

 

 

It took me longer to get past my heartache because this kind of help wasn't around at that time.

 

 

I wish both you and your wife resolution.

 

 

 

 

zzp.

[steveb]

My wife sent me an email at work explaining things and commenting that I didn't give her an oportunity to respond to my leaving.

 

We were both level headed.

 

I told her that I "need" to know what her intentions are. "If You want out, tell me so that I can deal with it".

Ever since she told me that she wasn't sure that she wanted to be married, I have been taking every issue and fraking out over them.

I stated that I am currently level headed and am saying for the record. "I want to try and fix us".

Suprisingly, she has done the same, not durring an argument, but level headedly. (word??)

 

I commented how I personally do not see a break or seperation as helping us fix things, only allow us to become distant.

And that we not tried either way as a team. She wanted space and I wanted to woo her back.

She agreed that we should spend more time together. (without the kids around)

 

I need to take her somewhere exiting where she will relate all of the new things to me. (caribean or something)

I have to skip being concerned about our debt for a while and make some investments in us.

 

Am I giving her "another" chance? No. I am giving "US" a chance this time.

We wnt out to diner with the kids and talked a little more.

 

With both of us getting counceling, I figure we can pull this off.

[moimeme]

Yay Steve!

 

Now get some food into you. Your body needs nourishment - hell's bells, if I don't get a meal for 8 hours, I'm aweep!!!

Hang on to the good results of this latest development when the urge next hits for you to get angry or upset. I'm rooting for

you two! (And I'm positive I'm not alone in the cheering section).

[steveb]

Thanks for the feedback.

It is appreciated.

[adamsb]

Steve believe me I went down the same road as you. She even had me ironing her new blouse so she could go out with "friends" and stay at a guys house. The phone calls, email, pictures of the male "friend" all happened to me too. I stressed, etc. Can't eat, can't work. I even considered tapping the phone line and was about to purchase equipment and had it in my hand when I suddenly didn't buy and realized that I don't care anymore. There comes a point when you have to realize the person you care about doesn't care about you. She is just stringing you along. Don't give her any more chances. She is out making you look like the bad guy trust me. She will claim that you are stocking her or something. NO MORE CHANCES THINGS WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE BEFORE

 

Sorry to say this but you are right where I was a week ago. And I'm still miserable and hurt but my spouse is still lying to everyone and somehow after all the good and trusting I did I came out looking like pure evil or something. I know you love your wife but trust me she doesn't have the same love for you. I started out asking for phone calls to let me know she was ok too but you know what, she always promised and never called. And the lies will continue forever. You will likely lose your home and get only partial custody of your kids because courts only believe that men are to blame. After all she did she is going to get everything in the end. You don't care about material stuff right now I know that but just be prepared for this when it happens because it always does. You are in the same boat as me and realizing "how did this happen to me? I'm not like all those other people who cheat and steal and lie but my marriage is gone" See I totally feel for you. We live parallel lives.