Obsessed with boyfriend's Ex-girlfriend!!!!

[typeblue]

i know exactly how all of you feel. My boyfriend and i have been together for 8months. And were getting married next months.

I hate his EX. They went out for about a year. They broke up last year. But they made out twice after they broke up. The last time was 2months before he met me. That's what bothers me. He said in the beginning of their relationship it was okay, but the rest was just them fighting and breaking up. he told her he loved her but it was a lie. I believe him on that part, i know he didn't love. He couldn't stand her and thought she was fat and ugly and stupid, but he wanted to help her feel better about herself. He hates her. He would make her go away forever if he could. When he looks back at that time, he sees it as a mistake. She tried to IM him but he blocked her. A few months after dating both of us got rid of all the stuff from our ex's. So we can have a fresh start. He also stopped going to his church, because i asked him to stop cause she went there.

But I can't get it out of my head that he was stupid enough to date someone so psycho for so long and make out with (even tho she is so hideous and ugly). He says he just went out with her cause she liked him and he wanted to be with someone and didn't care who. I think this is true, he must not have cared cause he stayed for year no matter what crap she put him thru. I think she might try to get with him again. I shouldn't let it worry me cause he knows he wouldn't go back to her ever. I know my problem isn't jealosy because i've seen her and she is fat and ugly.

I know he loves. but i just don't like thinking that he would spend so much time with someone he couldn't stand. I don't want to admit he could be so stupid. He knows how much it bothers me and we argue about it. He usually starts crying, because he realizes how unspecial I feel to him. He always tells me he loves me and I'm the only one he's ever loved, and he regrets his past. But I always want him to prove it, it seems like. But he doesn't know how. All he can say is "why isn't it enough to tell you that i tell you i love you and that you are special to me?"

I don't know what to do? how do i stop thinking about how immature and stupid he was?He never questions me about my past, and i left the guy I was dating for him. I think he doesn't talk about it cos it does bother him. He knows I did love someone before I met him.

I love him so much. I don't know why I don't except everything he does for me as his love for me. He does so much but I always just wonder if he would do the same thing for someone he doesn't care for, and I don't need to think about it cos it's not true. I think I made myself feel better. I like what one of you recommended, Just give them love and you will get love in return. I remember what one of my guy friends told me, whose gf couldn't stand his past. You can't get mad about what they did before they met you. If I follow tha advice, I have nothing to be mad about because since we have been together he has done nothing wrong. He would never break up with me (cos i've tried pushing him). All he has ever done was show me he loves me and wants to be with me.

[moimeme]

how do i stop thinking about how immature and stupid he was

 

Realize that you are being immature. More than that, you are also being unfair and mean and rotten.

 

But I can't get it out of my head that he was stupid enough to date someone so psycho for so long and make out with (even tho she is so hideous and ugly).

 

Nobody is that hideous or ugly or psycho. You are jealous, VERY jealous, and it's poisoned you. Get some therapy because you are not thinking straight at all.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Originally posted by typeblue

i. He couldn't stand her and thought she was fat and ugly and stupid, but he wanted to help her feel better about herself. He hates her.

But I can't get it out of my head that he was stupid enough to date someone so psycho for so long and make out with (even tho she is so hideous and ugly). (...) I know my problem isn't jealosy because i've seen her and she is fat and ugly.

 

Wow. These are incredibly insensitive, and naive, statements. If I were your boyfriend I'd pick the fat, ugly girl in a heartbeat over one who is cruel and judgemental like you. And if your boyfriend dated a woman out of pity, I'd say that's pretty sad, too. Personally, I find dignity and honesty more appealing than looks. So far, you haven't shown either. And it's going to come back and bite you if you don't do some serious character renovations.

[Iamhappy]

Wow. How very cruel and insensitive.

 

That's some misguided jealousy there.

 

By the way, (just had to ask) you're getting married next month after being with him for only 8 months?

 

And you left the guy you were with to be with him?

 

Lastly, re: his ex

 

he told her he loved her but it was a lie.

 

He sounds like a great guy. How very noble of him. You should get him a medal.

 

Goodness, what happened to your sense of compassion?

 

Your marriage sounds like it's off to an inauspicious start.

[typeblue]

Yes she would break his stuff and hurt him. But he always tried to forgive her. Oh and she threatened to kill him and his family and dog ans slash his tires if he left her. You completely understood what I was trying to say. That she's an ugly person in spirit. That is why I couldn't understand why he was being so stupid to stay. Thanx for understanding. Oh and it's 18 months actually.

[Olly]

Typeblue

I know how difficult it is to cope with such negative feelings.

You say that you are not jealous, but you clearly are. And I think you should aknowledge this first. You are jealous because of your boyfriends past and who he was with before you and you are using 'he loved someone ugly' to try and hide the fact that is jealousy. I dont think her being ugly or being a psycho has much to do with anything. I think had she been stunningly beautiful you would still be jealous, maybe even more so.

Therefore your jealousy gets so intense that you get angry with your boyfriend. You imagine that she want him back and all these things and that he doesn't care for you and blah blah. Someone on on this website once said to be that all my thoughts are constructed from fantasy and I need to seperate them from reality. I am creating my own picture show in my head, including the emotions to go with it.\

 

If I were you, I think you need to realise that you are jealous and feel threatened by his past relationships. Then I think you need to assess the reality of the situation - is he REALLY going to get back with her? etc etc....

 

Maybe you should tell him in an unthreatening way "I feel jealous, can you help me stop" I did this with my boyfriend and he didn't crawl back under his stone because he knew that I wasnt going to attack him this time with irrational crap. I was going to ask for his help to overcome some bad feelings inside me.

 

Then as I said before, you have to wake up and relaise it is YOU he loves. If he loved her, he would be with her. He with YOU. You and him are the ones with the future together, but if you continue to push him, he may break and you may lose him. Isn't that the oposite of that you are trying to acheive.

 

As I have said before - come forward to him, love him, be everything that she wasn't because THIS is your power and enjoy it. Isn't one of the best feeling sin the world seeing yourself make someone happy? In turn that will make you happy. Many people say that we shouldn't depend on others for happiness and encourage independence on making yourself feel secure. Of course you should be able to operate without someones constant reassurance, but seeing and feeling the responses of someone else is also a GREAT feeling when it's positive.

 

Stop trying to get him to admit that he doesnt really love her etc etc....just to make yourself feel better. This doesn not work because the more he tells you he didnt like her on one point, you will only find another angle to come in at and find something else to pick up on because in these situations, you just get trapped in a web of negativity and self destructiveness.

 

Love him, be his best friend, take care of him, see his response when you do this, because he will give it back. Forget what went on before. Dont make him feel guilty for his past. His past does not exist anymore, only you. And it is YOU that has the power to drive this in the direction you wish to see it go. Recognise and join the game.

 

Good luck.

[dlb311]

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me almost 4 months ago. That is not relevant but just keeping you up to date.

 

Before me he was with a girl for 3 years. he gave himself a month after they broke up before dating me. We have been friends since tenth grade. We are now in our mid 20's.

 

He complained about her while I was his friend and to my other friends. He actually dated me for three months while the were on a break. But I wasn't interest that way and he went back to her.

 

After we got together for the two years he would tell me stories about her. It was ridiculous. He would have never stood up for the crap if I pulled it. But I never would but it was crazy the crap they did. She wouldn't let him hang out with his friends. And he would try to hang out with his friends and bring her along but she wouldn't stand for that. I was never jealous of her. I am sure she was a nice girl. But I met her once and she didn't seem very interested in meeting any girls that where Jeffs friends.

 

Anyway after we got serious and he asked me to move in with him which I never did because I thought it was to soon. And said I was the girl he was going to marry I asked why he stayed with her so long if he was so unhappy. He said he wasn't sure. He just liked knowing someone was there. They had a long distance relationship. They lived 2 hours away from eachother. He said in the end of the third year she moved 20 minutes away from him and that when it had to end because he didn't love her after the first year. And he cheated on her. She wasn't the one obviously. But anyway she would contact him while we where together IMing him e-mailing him, calling him. And I asked does she knwo about me. He finally told her he said he didn't want to hurt her feelings. It was crap I found an e-mail they sent eachother and I e-mailed her telling her he was happy and to move on. She was pissed but thanked me for filling her in. To my knowledge they haven't not contacted since. But he stayed with her because he couldn't find someone better. That is what guys do. They stay with someone to have someone until someone better comes along. He knew he didn't want to marry her that is why they never talked about it and he never talked about moving in with her they where together for three years and met in college not high school. I think you should try to forget about this ex of his. He loves you right. You let her get to you it will get in the way of your relationship. If she is still contacting him let him deal with making her go away you are going to be married and that is a life long commitment. I hope he would even give her the chance to hit on him to get with him.

 

Anyway just try to let it go. Tell him it bothers you and see what he does. He will take care of it. When my guy and I finally got serious I had to break off dating with some other guys. And there was one guy who wouldn't get the point. So I had to call him finally after my boyfriend said I don't like this I will call him. I called him and said look you need to stop all contact with him my man doesn't like it. And that was that.

 

Good luck

 

Try not to judge people so much she has problems feel bad for her don't hate her.

[Melinda]

As a matter of fact there are exes out there who are psycho. And to a lot of people she wasn't very attractive either but that's not her fault and that's just one of those things, but she didn't do herself any favours...

 

Before I was with my current bf he was seeing this girl and had a kid with her and they broke up but he remained in contact to see his daughter. He starts seeing this other girl and she was so awful I can't even begin to start all the things she has done (and I can because she's been awful to me too). All the lies etc to make his now-ex look bad.

 

One day his ex called him to remind him that she was picking him up for their daughters christmas concert which he said weeks before he would come to. His gf found out about this and on the day rings him up and tells him that her brother died. So he spends the day with her. So when his ex rang he told her to go away he wasn't coming.

 

A couple of days later his gf is supposed to pick him up for the funeral. She never turned up. Her brother hadn't died at all!

 

Now is that not the work of someone psycho? Or with severe problems?

[midori]

Originally posted by Melinda

Now is that not the work of someone psycho? Or with severe problems?

 

well yeah... but she wasn't his ex at the time, she was his girlfriend. His psycho girlfriend, who is, I take it, now his ex girlfriend.

 

There are psycho's everywhere! Watch out!

[Melinda]

yeah but at this point in time now she's still psycho, and now she's his ex, so she's still a psycho ex...just cause she's not with him doesn't mean she doesn't still play dirty games just like she did when he was with her...

 

Once a psycho always a psycho

 

Smart ass!!! hehehe

[midori]

yeah sorry I'm in a facetious mood today. I've been transcribing the conversations of four year olds all day long. Makes me a little slap-happy. I think I need a drink.

[Melinda]

I take it when you say that that you indeed mean 4 years olds, and not me or anyone else on here? (You never can tell when someone's being sarcastic or not)...I was never a fan of drinking but lately I've had a few and boy it's made a difference. Hope it's not the start of a bad habit. Don't want to end up like Bridget Jones!