What happens now?

[Aksion]

So I'm sure over the past two weeks a few of you have gotten acquainted with my story. Really not much different than the rest of y'all, just ended much quicker than most. She left really not even two weeks ago and we are oficially done. She basically in the end treated me like a boyfriend she was only with for a few weeks and not the husband that she has been with for over 5 years.

 

Anyhow, that's not why I'm posting again. My reasoning now is where do we go from here? She has removed the last of her things from the house, returned all house keys, I've terminated her phone, also removed her from both the car and health insurance. Joint accounts closed, and while she did get me for around 800 dollars from another accnt I didn't have any access to, I'm really not too worried about it. My question is now how do I go about ending this marriage that she wants so badly out of for reasons that she never really gave to me. ( I know of things she didn't like about me that we could have worked on/through but still don't see why she left ).

 

We don't have any children and I really don't have anything that she could take from me, so I can't see our divorce getting nasty. I own the only car we have, we live in a rental, and my name is the only name on everything. She talked about moving out of state -- what happens if she leaves and doesn't file?

 

Still really hurts that the woman I've loved for so long just up and left me, but I feel like a weight has been lifted by it ending swiftly and me not sitting around in pain for weeks/months on end.

[tojaz]

Well, if it were me, I would wait for her to file since you don't want it and because then she will be absorbing most of the legal cost. If everything is in your name and there is nothing she could ask for, the business side should all be pretty painless. I would stay away from her, work on the parts you say you know you brought to the breakdown, and see what she does next. Your going to want to fix those things either way, if not for her, then for the next one. In the meantime, this all happened very quickly for you, I wouldn't rule out another shot, so work on yourself and be ready for either outcome.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Well, if it were me, I would wait for her to file since you don't want it and because then she will be absorbing most of the legal cost. If everything is in your name and there is nothing she could ask for, the business side should all be pretty painless. I would stay away from her, work on the parts you say you know you brought to the breakdown, and see what she does next. Your going to want to fix those things either way, if not for her, then for the next one. In the meantime, this all happened very quickly for you, I wouldn't rule out another shot, so work on yourself and be ready for either outcome.

TOJAZ

 

Just a question, but it might it be wise for Aksion to have some sort of SA just to protect himself from any debt she might go out and get until she files. She may never file for that matter, my first ex drug it out 3 years before he filed and only because he wanted to get re-married. You can find legal forms online that are inexpensive, have it notarized and file it yourself with the courthouse. I guess it depends too on the laws in the state which he resides....

[tojaz]

Good point Trippi, no such thing in indiana, without going full boogie legal seperation, which would push her further away. Otherwise, the orders are part and parcel with the D. Still a good idea to put something on paper.

I hate divorce!!

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Good point Trippi, no such thing in indiana, without going full boogie legal seperation, which would push her further away. Otherwise, the orders are part and parcel with the D. Still a good idea to put something on paper.

I hate divorce!!

TOJAZ

 

What's the legal separation period in Indiana? 6 months? In North Carolina, it's one year. I had to call around last week and ensure that any joint accounts we had could not be maxxed out without my signature, else it gave my H access to leave me holding even more debt.

 

Divorce it just plain ugly!

 

Trippi

[trippi1432]

What's the legal separation period in Indiana? 6 months? In North Carolina, it's one year. I had to call around last week and ensure that any joint accounts we had could not be maxxed out without my signature, else it gave my H access to leave me holding even more debt.

 

Divorce it just plain ugly!

 

Trippi

 

Oh, and I get the typical spheel from collectors calling for him because he won't pay his credit cards anymore (as the wife, you are legally responsible for his debts). I'm not even named on the cards and they don't have my SS#, so I know most of it is BS, but I had my home number changed anyway to avoid the stress.

[tojaz]

What's the legal separation period in Indiana? 6 months? In North Carolina, it's one year. I had to call around last week and ensure that any joint accounts we had could not be maxxed out without my signature, else it gave my H access to leave me holding even more debt.

 

Divorce it just plain ugly!

 

Trippi

 

Legal seperation lasts as long as you want here, basicly divorce without divorce. Legal sep. isn't required before divorce though, just a 60day cooling off period.

TOJAZ

[delajoonal]

i would get some legal advice..

because here in CA, after either one files, NOTHING can be changed, i.e. insurances, cc's, even cell accts., etc....it's called a Restraining Order but on the F-150 forms means different than the regular RO...

 

so if YOU file, IT would protect you from that day on..from your W from spending anymore money or even opening accts in your name...because you are still legally married, she can still open cc's and other accts with your name or IN your name and it is NOT illegal...

 

so ya, both trippi and tojaz have good points..

 

get some legal advice, cause all states are dif i think?

 

good luck..and i am sorry this happened to you...it's sucky!

[Aksion]

Just a question, but it might it be wise for Aksion to have some sort of SA just to protect himself from any debt she might go out and get until she files. She may never file for that matter, my first ex drug it out 3 years before he filed and only because he wanted to get re-married. You can find legal forms online that are inexpensive, have it notarized and file it yourself with the courthouse. I guess it depends too on the laws in the state which he resides....

 

Sorry it took so long to respond -- yesterday was football day! Actually was able to block this whole thing outta my mind for almost an entire day!

 

Anyhow, what exactly is "SA"?

 

I never even thought about the fact that we are still legally married and any debt she accumulates can still come back to bite me in the ass. Would I be better off taking action and just filing myself since I have no idea if/when she is going to do so?

 

@Tojaz -- there really is no hope for us to reconcile, she blatantly told me she has moved on. Treated me like I was someone she knew for a few weeks, instead of her husband for all these years, like I said before. I really just want to get past this, and not even think about her trying to come back to me.

[trippi1432]

Sorry it took so long to respond -- yesterday was football day! Actually was able to block this whole thing outta my mind for almost an entire day!

 

Anyhow, what exactly is "SA"?

 

I never even thought about the fact that we are still legally married and any debt she accumulates can still come back to bite me in the ass. Would I be better off taking action and just filing myself since I have no idea if/when she is going to do so?

 

@Tojaz -- there really is no hope for us to reconcile, she blatantly told me she has moved on. Treated me like I was someone she knew for a few weeks, instead of her husband for all these years, like I said before. I really just want to get past this, and not even think about her trying to come back to me.

 

Hi Aksion,

 

An SA is a separation agreement, it basically puts everything on paper of what the two of you agree to be responsible for until the divorce. Be warned that collection agencies do not have to honor an SA, the debt the two of you accumulated is still each parties responsibility. Therefore if she agrees to pay a credit card and doesn't, it still falls to you as far as the credit card company is concerned. With the SA, you can sue her for breach of contract if she defaults.

 

I really do wish you would think about this some more. It's understandable that both of you are hurting right now and definitely angry...if that is something that neither of you can get past, it will only haunt you in future relationships. Communication and truly listening is a key to keeping relationships together.

 

I wish you both luck.

[Aksion]

Thanks for clarifying.

 

As for thinking about I more, trust me I would love nothing more than for her to have the willingness to work on our marriage like I do, but she refuses. She really wants nothing to do with it at all, and has now told me so on more than one occassion. I can't quite understand how she has already "moved on", but there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I was able to finally remove the last of her things yesterday morning and like I said before, while it still hurts to think about, I really don't need to be with someone that can "move on" and give up on a marriage after 5 years.

[tojaz]

Akison,

 

This is quickly becoming a patented reply to posts like yours. If the D is going to happen, it's going to happen whether you stand for your marriage or stand aside and watch it fall. So why the hell wouldn't you stand! All the advice thats on this board, 180, Lovedare/Fireproof, all stress one thing when it comes to saving your marriage, being proactive. If you give up, shes going to assume she made the right decision. There are a lot of nay sayers on LS that say, you can do better, let her walk, saddle, dead horse yadda yadda. I don't buy into that crap. You married her because you love her, so don't give up hope. Yes, I'm divorced, shes gone and probably with another guy already, but I sleep pretty good at night knowing I went down swinging, because my marriage was worth fighting for, even if I lost.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Akison,

 

This is quickly becoming a patented reply to posts like yours. If the D is going to happen, it's going to happen whether you stand for your marriage or stand aside and watch it fall. So why the hell wouldn't you stand! All the advice thats on this board, 180, Lovedare/Fireproof, all stress one thing when it comes to saving your marriage, being proactive. If you give up, shes going to assume she made the right decision. There are a lot of nay sayers on LS that say, you can do better, let her walk, saddle, dead horse yadda yadda. I don't buy into that crap. You married her because you love her, so don't give up hope. Yes, I'm divorced, shes gone and probably with another guy already, but I sleep pretty good at night knowing I went down swinging, because my marriage was worth fighting for, even if I lost.

TOJAZ

 

 

Aksion,

 

There is a lot of truth in what Tojaz is tellilng you, it's easy to walk away from someone than to stand for what you believe in. At one time, there was something that you both believed in each other....you just need to take some time, some breathing room, and find that.

[Aksion]

I GET THAT! However she is not only NOT WILLING to talk -- she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with me or our marriage. Adamantly has told me to move on because she already has. Has completely removed any trace of me from any online social site she is part of, and basically has told me that she is interested in another man. Maybe this will clear any of that up.

 

"We can talk Sunday before work. I don't really want to because I feel I have nothing to say except what I've already said. You know how I feel, and I'm standing my ground. I'm done. I want you to move on. Because I've already done that. Ill be there to get my stuff ASAP. I want to live my life in peace. " - Last email I recieved from her.

 

So I'm just supposed to take that with a grain of salt and continue trying to fight for us? She doesn't even want there to be a "us".

[Logik]

My wife is exactly the same. I'm 3 and a half months in and there's no change. Let her live her life in peace. If that's what she wants, then let her do it. She's not going to be angry with you forever. Don't tell her she's angry though because she'll say that she isn't. I read somewhere that someone had asked an old couple, who had been together for like 50 years, how they did it. They replied that everyone falls out of love during their marriage but the love does come back. The secret to keeping it together is they don't fall out of love at the same time.

 

Now you might say that it doesn't apply to you because your marriage is over. Yes, it might be, but does it stipulate in the divorce that you HAVE to fall out of love with her? No it doesn't. Some things have to end before they can restart. One of you is just lost. She might be lost forever, but she might not. My wife's parents got divorced and now they are remarried to each other. One of them obviously didn't fall out of love while they were apart and because of this they were able to reconcile.

 

This isn't to give you false hope. It may happen, it may not. It's just my point of view. It's how I'm viewing my situation, which is very similar to yours (in November, I would've been married for 5 years as well, the only difference is that we have 2 kids). I'm with you man. Feeling the same pain.

[PWSX3]

The first time my former W moved out & we separated we both were looking at trying to make our marriage work & it took her 7 months before she started to miss me, before she finally started to want to work on the marriage again.

 

Yes your wife might be finished but why rush into anything as long as you have everything separated & her name isn't on anything.

 

See a lawyer to make sure you are covered, you might need to do a legal separation so she can't go spend money & you end up paying for it.

[Aksion]

@Logik

 

What exactly have you been doing with yourself since your W left? Are you just going on day by day with hopes she will want to reconcile? Do you date other women? I'm completely lost as to where to go because like you, I do want my marriage to work -- but knowing that she may be off right now with another man makes me sick and the thought of sitting around waiting for her while she is doing just that makes me even more sick. I've spent much of the last few weeks coming home from work, poppin a few sleeping pills and hoping they knock me out quick enough so I'm not sitting awake, in this empty house.

[tojaz]

I GET THAT! However she is not only NOT WILLING to talk -- she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with me or our marriage. Adamantly has told me to move on because she already has. Has completely removed any trace of me from any online social site she is part of, and basically has told me that she is interested in another man. Maybe this will clear any of that up.

 

"We can talk Sunday before work. I don't really want to because I feel I have nothing to say except what I've already said. You know how I feel, and I'm standing my ground. I'm done. I want you to move on. Because I've already done that. Ill be there to get my stuff ASAP. I want to live my life in peace. " - Last email I recieved from her.

 

So I'm just supposed to take that with a grain of salt and continue trying to fight for us? She doesn't even want there to be a "us".

 

Is it worth fighting for to you?

I'm not saying fight HER, that never works, I'm saying don't encourage her to continue. Arguing with her, trying to make her see your side isn't going to work, but playing it tough and pushing her away isn't going to help your situation either. So yes, I would take it with a grain of salt, it is still early and even if the divorce goes through dosen't mean she won't come back, you never know. I'm not saying wait around either, both outcomes are possible but she is angry right now and is going to say anything she can to support her decision and widden the rift between you, why would you do the same? Two people pushing eachother apart are going to be apart, guaranteed! If thats not what you want, then seems to me I would do something else. My wife accused me of everything under the sun when she wanted out, controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive. Claimed i brain washed her into being with me, that she never loved me, that 13 years had been me holding her against her will. Told me she would rather drive her car into a post then stay in the marriage. When the papers came and all was final, I called her, she said she wanted to be friends, and the things she said were not true, could not give me an answer as to why she wanted the D now that her head was clear. I'm not saying fight with her, I'm saying don't make it easier for her either, sometimes all it takes is some time to look at things clearly when everything isn't clouded by a veil of raw emotion. Buy yourself some time and work on yourself.

TOJAZ

[Logik]

@Logik

 

What exactly have you been doing with yourself since your W left? Are you just going on day by day with hopes she will want to reconcile? Do you date other women? I'm completely lost as to where to go because like you, I do want my marriage to work -- but knowing that she may be off right now with another man makes me sick and the thought of sitting around waiting for her while she is doing just that makes me even more sick. I've spent much of the last few weeks coming home from work, poppin a few sleeping pills and hoping they knock me out quick enough so I'm not sitting awake, in this empty house.

 

I'm not going on day by day with hopes she will want to reconcile. That'll make you go mental! I've been living like I used to when I was single, though I'm not interested in dating other women at the moment. I spend time with my brothers, hang around with friends and spend time with my kids. I've also put a plan in place to start saving money and look to the future as if we're not going to reconcile. What kind of property I would like to buy, or what car I would like to drive. Because at THIS point in time, looking forward, that is my future.

 

Putting all these thing in place and realising what my dreams are, I start to become the person I want to be. Then, if at a later stage, she wants to reconcile, she'll be getting more than she ever hoped for or ever had with me. If she doesn't, then it's her loss because she originally fell in love with the me for a reason, and I will be so much more than that guy I was 7 years ago.

 

While I'm doing all of this for myself and not for her, I do keep her in the back of my mind. I don't want to stop loving her. So, I know that she needs to do what she needs to do, so I'll let her do it, but I'll do the same. If in the future we are together again, it'll be better than before because of what we learnt. If we aren't then it wouldn't have been any better because neither of us learnt anything from our experience.

 

I never think about what she could be doing or who she could be doing it with. I try not to decode everything she says to figure out how she feels, and I say TRY - it's difficult not to do. You will never know these things unless you hire a PI or do some snooping around. Do you think she wants you to do that? Do you think that'll make reconciliation more possible? I've accepted what she's done and I'm going to do positive things in my life that'll give me, first, the best chance of being happy and, second, the best chance of reconciliation. If the latter doesn't happen then at least I'm the former.

 

It's a roller coaster. Ups and downs. When you have the downs, look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Where have you been? What are you doing to yourself? Why are you hiding?" Then start living. For that guy in the mirror. For that guy you used to be. He's hiding in there wanting to kick your @ss into gear. Sorry this is long. Not sure it makes any sense to someone who doesn't have my brain. How you move forward from here is up to you. Things will happen according to your reactions to your situation. Be strong. We're never given any test we can't handle. I'm here for you man. Any question, just ask. Any advice, please share.

[Logik]

I've just had a thought. I always saw this as if she had hijacked my life from me. I had no choice. It was just taken away. I just realised that you need to treat this situation as if you're getting hijacked. Don't think I'm crazy, please bear with me.

 

If you stop at the lights at night and someone runs to your car and points a gun to your head demanding you give them your car, what would you do? Fight with them or give it up without a fight? If you fight you stand a massive chance of being seriously injured or killed, right? So the best thing to do is to go with the flow and give them the car. Now your car is gone. You're alone on the side of the road. You have to find your way home. Then you can't get around as freely any more and you feel stuck. You know that eventually you will have another car, or you get your own car back. It does happen. They find stolen cars all the time, returning them to their owners. But it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. Then, when we either get our car back or get a new one, we will be very careful when we get to the lights at night, trying to avoid what went wrong the first time. Therefore, learning from our past experience in the car.

 

Now I'm not comparing our wives to cars, I'm comparing the car to our married lives. We took our car for granted. We got it taken away without any chance to save it. We never looked out for what could go wrong and drove around expecting everything to always be ok. Fighting for it will only get us hurt even more. We need to accept the fact that it is gone. Find our way home first and then find a way to get around without it. Know that it could be found, but if not, you can get something else. But there's always that transition period where we have to be patient. Work on ourselves to become a better, more aware driver. Maybe even realise that we don't have to get another car.

 

This analogy helped me realise that what I'm doing is the right thing. Being patient and letting things happen as they should. Hope it helps you make your decision in how to proceed in your life.

[WTFO]

I've just had a thought. I always saw this as if she had hijacked my life from me. I had no choice. It was just taken away. I just realised that you need to treat this situation as if you're getting hijacked. Don't think I'm crazy, please bear with me.

 

If you stop at the lights at night and someone runs to your car and points a gun to your head demanding you give them your car, what would you do? Fight with them or give it up without a fight? If you fight you stand a massive chance of being seriously injured or killed, right? So the best thing to do is to go with the flow and give them the car. Now your car is gone. You're alone on the side of the road. You have to find your way home. Then you can't get around as freely any more and you feel stuck. You know that eventually you will have another car, or you get your own car back. It does happen. They find stolen cars all the time, returning them to their owners. But it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. Then, when we either get our car back or get a new one, we will be very careful when we get to the lights at night, trying to avoid what went wrong the first time. Therefore, learning from our past experience in the car.

 

Now I'm not comparing our wives to cars, I'm comparing the car to our married lives. We took our car for granted. We got it taken away without any chance to save it. We never looked out for what could go wrong and drove around expecting everything to always be ok. Fighting for it will only get us hurt even more. We need to accept the fact that it is gone. Find our way home first and then find a way to get around without it. Know that it could be found, but if not, you can get something else. But there's always that transition period where we have to be patient. Work on ourselves to become a better, more aware driver. Maybe even realise that we don't have to get another car.

 

This analogy helped me realise that what I'm doing is the right thing. Being patient and letting things happen as they should. Hope it helps you make your decision in how to proceed in your life.

 

Wow my friend, you have a gift of putting things into perspective. Thanks

[Aksion]

Such an appropriate forum name you have Logik, lol.

 

It's really hard to figure out where to go at all seeing as she won't even talk to me about the matter at all. Even in most cases similar to mine the two people at least seem to talk about the issue whether it is going one way or the other.

[FredMerc]

Well said Logik...

 

TO possibly simplify: In any stressful situation our "fight or flight" response kicks in. It is instinctual for humans. Do we run or fight?

Some people always run, some always fight. Reasonable people look at the entire situation as best as they can, and then make the choice.....

[Auroracoladybug]

I like the analogy Logik...I may print it just to read again when I need a pick me up

Aksion don't seek that conversation...a thief will never give you the answer you think you should hear...if she comes to you to talk then just listen. Good luck to all

[Aksion]

So I decided to e-mail my wife the other day and let her know I would be going to see a lawyer later this week to see about filing for legal seperation. Let her know that I still care and I'm still here and still want to work things out. However, she never even bothered to reply to the e-mail.