Question about Facebook to OW.

[Spoiled]

spoiled...

i am sorry you too were in such pain and felt that huge void that you had to reach out to someone else's H..and not feel you could talk to your own H..

this is what i believe my H did to me..he said he was afraid to talk to me...??

weird, like i would hit him or something..LOL...anyway, i am lurking around this OW/OM threads because i am trying to understand the pain the OW is going thru too..i am trying so hard to find forgiveness in my heart so i too can move on.

 

and tho none of you are my H's OW, at least i dont' think so..LOL...

i am very grateful you are all being patient with me..as i have not been disrespecful in anyway...just trying to understand;)

 

thank you for sharing your story and pain with me...again, i am sorry you have to live with this guilt...

 

but that is another thing i am seeing , there are alot of OW, that had no intentions of setting out to hurt anyone...on purpose, especially the ones that didn't knwo their MM was M in the first place...

 

anyway...thank you again...i appreciate all your candor;)

 

 

Definitely not an excuse for the A but I spoke with my H several times in regards to what was missing and what I needed from him. He ignored my requests. My xMOM's story was quite different, but we were both emotionally disconnected with our spouses for a long time prior to the A(1-2years). My biggest gripe, it took all of this for my H to finally pay attention. Evidence from his W's fb info, meeting with their pastor, my H's conversation with her, and my past friendship with her, she would NEVER see anything or admit how she could improve on her end in the R. That his requests for excitment, attention, more passion, time away without their children, and more were him being selfish and complaining. Thankfully, my H could see that BOTH of us had issues and BOTH of us contribute to the R. And that BOTH have needs. I am grateful for his love and patience.

 

For most, fb and myspace are fake. His W and I always had photos of us laughing, kissing, you name it with our spouses and our marriages were on rocks.

[delajoonal]

spoiled...

wow you are really lucky your H sounds like a really great man.

to forgive you and really work on your marriage even after the A.

 

i did too...i am ashamed to say, that IT took my H's online EA with the OW, to realize what i had to lose. in 14 years i NEVER thought about it..neither of us had infidelity issues...it was the ONLY thing we didn't have issues with..LOL...

for the most part, we were good...my H was NOT a good communicater tho...huge problem..

 

anyway..so even after his facebook EA, they called it quits, he gave US another chance..it was an amazing week...passion like in the very beginning,for both of us...but OW kept calling and emailing..and i always knew exactly when too...

my H would have this look on his face..complete blank stare...like a pod person...

 

i really thought we were going to make it..H seemed so happy and we both were really working hard but having fun too...

 

OW just would NOT let go....i eventually just let it go..i could tell H was gone after a while and IT was not going to work..he was LOST with the OW..

 

anyway...i guess i am trying to say, i too was willing even after the EA to really give it my all, and i forgave him...i really did...but H could not move on.

he even said, that 'the guys' from work said, that they had A's too, kind of an epidemic in one area of my H's work...ack another story...

 

anyway, H said he did not want to live under a microscope for the rest of his life.

he said i would never trust him again, and always be asking and checking.

 

well, wouldn't that all be normal for a while...other couples get thru it..and i had already forgiven him...

 

he even cancelled his FB acct....anyway...

 

all for nothing in the end...he is OW, she left her H too and they have both filed for a divorce now...not sure where OW's kids are tho, i know they are just babies...not even in kindergarten yet...sad really.

 

anyway..sorry for rambling..LOL...my whole point, is...i also forgave my H for his A and was willing to move on..i am so glad that YOU spoiled got a chance to make your M work...mine did not..

 

take care and thank you again for sharing..i appreciate it;)

[NowhereToHide]

spoiled...

i am sorry you too were in such pain and felt that huge void that you had to reach out to someone else's H..and not feel you could talk to your own H..

 

this is what i believe my H did to me..he said he was afraid to talk to me...??

weird, like i would hit him or something..LOL...anyway, i am lurking around this OW/OM threads because i am trying to understand the pain the OW is going thru too..i am trying so hard to find forgiveness in my heart so i too can move on.

 

and tho none of you are my H's OW, at least i dont' think so..LOL...

i am very grateful you are all being patient with me..as i have not been disrespecful in anyway...just trying to understand;)

 

thank you for sharing your story and pain with me...again, i am sorry you have to live with this guilt...

 

but that is another thing i am seeing , there are alot of OW, that had no intentions of setting out to hurt anyone...on purpose, especially the ones that didn't knwo their MM was M in the first place...

 

anyway...thank you again...i appreciate all your candor;)

 

 

Dela, I came on here and lurked for a long time because I really wanted to hear what the BS's went through. And when I've posted, some of the best advice has come from the spouses that were betrayed.

 

I am married and had an affair with a MM. We reconnected at a time when we were both vulnerable. People call it an "affair fog" but he almost became a drug for me -- he made me feel so unbelievably desired and loved. I hadn't felt that way in so long that it was addicting. My H and I had gotten in that rut that happens when you're raising children. We stopped "seeing" each other. And while I did talk to him about it, I'm not sure it was in a way that he really understood.

 

I HATE myself for having my A. If I could take it back I would.

 

I'm so sorry for what you have had to endure. You sound like you are strong and will make it through. Keep posting. We'll be here.

[NowhereToHide]

I stopped caring after initiating NC with him about 6-8wks ago. I had access to her fb page during the A and it was actually driving me insane for the five months we continued that I could not see it anymore. I started doubting what he would tell me because I no longer had proof. I still think about him, I still hurt, and checking her fb was only making it worse. Seeing their photo always brought back the feelings of guilt, shame, hurt, and regret.

 

 

Okay, spoiled. I JUST went NC and I'm struggling.

 

You said you stopped caring, but then you said you still hurt... Please tell me that it's not that bad after 8 weeks?

[delajoonal]

nowhere...

 

wow! i am so amazed how at how incredibly kind you and a few others have been to me...

 

i am so glad i really took time to lurk and read and learn about this area...because at first there were some members that were really what i had the impression of in the OW..they were mean and had the so what who cares attitudes, i LOVE being the OW and will stop at nothing to get the MM, etc....

i was so surprised at how brash some OW's were...

 

but i knew if i kept reading i would find some REAL women here and really find out what THEY feel like in their hearts, and you nowhere and fallen and spoiled have been amazing...

 

i really appreciate how open and kind you have been to help ME move on with my my H's A and his OW...

 

i am sorry that we are all hurting...be it me a BS, or you all, the OW's..

 

i guess in the end..we are ALL just women and human and need love and attention...and sometimes IT just happens...and well, you all really sound like fantastic people and i really hope you all find peace and happiness too..

 

i wish my H's OW was as kind and had a heart like you all..cause i tell you, i have spoken to her, and she is def NOTHING like you..LOL..she is the ipitamy of the Evil OW...

 

as for being ashamed and guilty, i think you all are so human and have such great hearts...you will have no problems moving on too..and forgiving yourselves...you sound like very strong women...

 

thank you again ...

[NowhereToHide]

nowhere...

 

wow! i am so amazed how at how incredibly kind you and a few others have been to me...

 

i am so glad i really took time to lurk and read and learn about this area...because at first there were some members that were really what i had the impression of in the OW..they were mean and had the so what who cares attitudes, i LOVE being the OW and will stop at nothing to get the MM, etc....

i was so surprised at how brash some OW's were...

 

but i knew if i kept reading i would find some REAL women here and really find out what THEY feel like in their hearts, and you nowhere and fallen and spoiled have been amazing...

 

i really appreciate how open and kind you have been to help ME move on with my my H's A and his OW...

 

i am sorry that we are all hurting...be it me a BS, or you all, the OW's..

 

i guess in the end..we are ALL just women and human and need love and attention...and sometimes IT just happens...and well, you all really sound like fantastic people and i really hope you all find peace and happiness too..

 

i wish my H's OW was as kind and had a heart like you all..cause i tell you, i have spoken to her, and she is def NOTHING like you..LOL..she is the ipitamy of the Evil OW...

 

as for being ashamed and guilty, i think you all are so human and have such great hearts...you will have no problems moving on too..and forgiving yourselves...you sound like very strong women...

 

thank you again ...

 

 

Dela, thanks for your kind words, too. At the end of the day, no one wins in an affair. There is pain involved for EVERYONE.

 

There are definitely a lot of "real" women on here from both sides. And there is so much pain. It is so hard for me to hear the stories from the BS's side. Being married, I can't even imagine the pain involved. I know it's hypocritical, but the thought of my husband having an affair and leaving me and our kids would kill me. My A was short (and my H doesn't know about it). I always told my xAP that I would never leave my family for him, and we both realized pretty early on the destruction that would come to everyone if we continued.

 

When my A ended, I went through the darkest period of my life. It was horrible. I couldn't get out of bed, was put on medication, couldn't function. But when I hear stories like yours, it really puts my stuff in perspective. While I lost someone (and the feelings he provided), the life you knew is over, and the future you counted on was stolen. My pain feels ridiculous when compared to yours. When I think about it, there really is NO comparison. None.

 

For whatever reason, your H is under the spell of this woman. I hope in time you can get closure with all of this. You have the ability to move on to an even richer life -- one where you know who you are and what you are worth. And you can find a man that will honor that.

 

And don't think your H's OW is all that happy.... the reason why she calls him 20 times a day is because she is petrified that she is going to do to her what he did WITH her. She's never going to be able to get a good night's sleep while he is away without wondering if someone younger and more attractive has caught his eye. Again, no one wins.

 

This place is great for getting out your feelings. Keep posting whether it's to say you're angry, sad, or dare I say happy! I've come further in my quest to move forward over the last few weeks that I've been on here than I did in the months after my affair ended. Hearing the stories of others makes all of this seem doable.

 

Hang in there!!

[Spoiled]

Okay, spoiled. I JUST went NC and I'm struggling.

 

You said you stopped caring, but then you said you still hurt... Please tell me that it's not that bad after 8 weeks?

 

 

I stopped caring in regards to his W's fb info and photos, I did not want to know anymore. But yes, I still hurt, our A lasted a year and we were close friends for twelve years. I hurt more because of the friendships we lost, I hurt for betraying not only my H, but also his W(a good friend). We have gifts from them, photos of our children together, photos of them in our Christmas scrapbooks, and we all supported each other during those special moments in our lives(our weddings, birth of our children). I have constant reminders everywhere.

[Spoiled]

spoiled...

wow you are really lucky your H sounds like a really great man.

to forgive you and really work on your marriage even after the A.

 

i did too...i am ashamed to say, that IT took my H's online EA with the OW, to realize what i had to lose. in 14 years i NEVER thought about it..neither of us had infidelity issues...it was the ONLY thing we didn't have issues with..LOL...

for the most part, we were good...my H was NOT a good communicater tho...huge problem..

 

anyway..so even after his facebook EA, they called it quits, he gave US another chance..it was an amazing week...passion like in the very beginning,for both of us...but OW kept calling and emailing..and i always knew exactly when too...

my H would have this look on his face..complete blank stare...like a pod person...

 

i really thought we were going to make it..H seemed so happy and we both were really working hard but having fun too...

 

OW just would NOT let go....i eventually just let it go..i could tell H was gone after a while and IT was not going to work..he was LOST with the OW..

 

anyway...i guess i am trying to say, i too was willing even after the EA to really give it my all, and i forgave him...i really did...but H could not move on.

he even said, that 'the guys' from work said, that they had A's too, kind of an epidemic in one area of my H's work...ack another story...

 

anyway, H said he did not want to live under a microscope for the rest of his life.

he said i would never trust him again, and always be asking and checking.

 

well, wouldn't that all be normal for a while...other couples get thru it..and i had already forgiven him...

 

he even cancelled his FB acct....anyway...

 

all for nothing in the end...he is OW, she left her H too and they have both filed for a divorce now...not sure where OW's kids are tho, i know they are just babies...not even in kindergarten yet...sad really.

 

anyway..sorry for rambling..LOL...my whole point, is...i also forgave my H for his A and was willing to move on..i am so glad that YOU spoiled got a chance to make your M work...mine did not..

 

take care and thank you again for sharing..i appreciate it;)

 

Delajoonal, FACEBOOK is a means for many getting into trouble.

 

Sounds like your H had already made up his mind to leave the M whether you were willing to forgive or not. Most MM will at least try and put forth some effort, even if they really want to leave. The good thing, at least your H did not stay like many WS to only give you less than 100% and really not wanting to be there.

 

My H is a great man. He acknowledged that he abandoned me emotionally and neglected many of my needs. And now understands how and why our M was failing.(The A was an awful choice and not the correct way to handle the situation, I take full responsibility and do not blame him for what I chose to do) I have learned much about him and myself through all of this.

[delajoonal]

spoiled..i am so glad you were able to work things out with your H...

 

sounds like a strong love and reltionship..

 

i thought i had that...my H was on Facebook playing MobWars, an extension to his other online gaming addiction...and whamo! OW popped up...and relentlessly persued my H...a groupie of the game..if you will...you have to see it on FB to know what i mean?...these gamers literally have groupies..LOL

 

anyway, the news, the statisics of marriages failing because of spouses going to FB for whatever they are looking for and NOT finding it in their own spouse...

anyway, the stats are alarming...it is like an epidmeic right now...

 

all starting with FB online EA's...even one of the LS members here, lost his W and M to the same thing, only his wife did not leave for her online A, as he was clear across the country..but she left the LS member anyway...how do they get so hooked on somebody that is just on the computer???

 

i dont' get it...i mean they haven't even seen them in person, don't even know if it is really who they say they are..LOL...no scents, no visuals, no breaking bread...you know..it is all so weird to me..i guess i am old fashioned..i always have that chemistry in person..looks aren't an issue...its something you feel when you walk by that someone special or see them or feel their presents or smell them...you know..

 

how are these people giving up on 14, 20 , 30 year marriages for someone they met online on Facebook???

 

anyway....sorry to ramble on...

 

take care...

[delajoonal]

nowhere....i will say it again.. you are amazing!

 

you can't even imagine how much your words mean to me and have touched me....and being that you have the

experience of knowing the feelings of the OW, and the 20 phone calls a day issue..i thought that was the strangest

thing for a grown woman to do..she is 40 years old (my H's OW), and so is he, i am however a few years older, 43.

 

anyway, this cell bill goes on and on like that too...13, 17, 18 calls in ONE DAY!..LOL...

 

i know when we argue, me and my H would call back and forth...you know, right..LOL.

 

but it never dawned on me that the OW is freaking out because she will never know the peace i did, at least for 14

years with my H..cause we were pure and honest and HURT no one to be together...it was an amazing time...aaaa.

 

 

anyway, i think you are right in the fact they will NOT find much happiness..

i just found out tonight OW divorce will be final on 12-31-09, and mine on

2-26-10...wow! did this really happen and it seemed so fast..YET this year has been a nightmare..i barely have

looked up from out of my blankets and it is 8 months later...

 

i was doing well, actually really well, but like i said, i found out about 8 weeks ago, that my H and the OW have

actually been together this entire time..IT the EA now PA i am sure, DID NOT end when i thought it did...8 months

ago...so they have been together for entire 8 months..i have also noticed, yes i did some digging around..every now

and then it is cathardic to snoop..LOL...

 

anyway, found out they both have cancelled their Facebook accounts now.

 

so i think there is something to what you are saying about OW NEVER being able to really trust my H or vice

versa..really, how could they..it the EA/A all started with lies and deception and cheating.

 

they broke up 2 families to be together including the lives of 2 very small kids...so either my H and the OW are truly

in love..or they are just the most selfish ignorant people on the planet

 

anyway, your words are very theraputic to me and for me and you are a wonderful kind generous woman to share

you heart break with me and the honesty of your A as well....

 

thank you for all your kind words and encouragement...as i wish you the same health and happiness with your

H...you are so lucky to have him..HOLD him tight and don't ever let go...

 

i wish i would have known then what i know now..i just took everything for granted..you know, married IS married

and that's that...as my H ALWAYS said to me, "divorce is not an option!"

so i never thought about..i thought we had the whole world in time to work out anything and do

everything...nope...sure didn't work out that way

 

feel free to PM me anytime you want to chat or need to vent in private..

you have a friend in me...i really respect what you have done for me and OTHERS here on LS...

 

your story is helping sooo many women/BS/OW..if the BS's just take a few moments to step out of the other rooms

and check this one out, and open their minds to what is happening...i think they will find some comfort here as well.

instead of rushing in to post nasty words and names...when every A is so different ..as much as the OW's are.

 

thank you again

[NowhereToHide]

nowhere....i will say it again.. you are amazing!

 

you can't even imagine how much your words mean to me and have touched me....and being that you have the

experience of knowing the feelings of the OW, and the 20 phone calls a day issue..i thought that was the strangest

thing for a grown woman to do..she is 40 years old (my H's OW), and so is he, i am however a few years older, 43.

 

anyway, this cell bill goes on and on like that too...13, 17, 18 calls in ONE DAY!..LOL...

 

i know when we argue, me and my H would call back and forth...you know, right..LOL.

 

but it never dawned on me that the OW is freaking out because she will never know the peace i did, at least for 14

years with my H..cause we were pure and honest and HURT no one to be together...it was an amazing time...aaaa.

 

 

anyway, i think you are right in the fact they will NOT find much happiness..

i just found out tonight OW divorce will be final on 12-31-09, and mine on

2-26-10...wow! did this really happen and it seemed so fast..YET this year has been a nightmare..i barely have

looked up from out of my blankets and it is 8 months later...

 

i was doing well, actually really well, but like i said, i found out about 8 weeks ago, that my H and the OW have

actually been together this entire time..IT the EA now PA i am sure, DID NOT end when i thought it did...8 months

ago...so they have been together for entire 8 months..i have also noticed, yes i did some digging around..every now

and then it is cathardic to snoop..LOL...

 

anyway, found out they both have cancelled their Facebook accounts now.

 

so i think there is something to what you are saying about OW NEVER being able to really trust my H or vice

versa..really, how could they..it the EA/A all started with lies and deception and cheating.

 

they broke up 2 families to be together including the lives of 2 very small kids...so either my H and the OW are truly

in love..or they are just the most selfish ignorant people on the planet

 

anyway, your words are very theraputic to me and for me and you are a wonderful kind generous woman to share

you heart break with me and the honesty of your A as well....

 

thank you for all your kind words and encouragement...as i wish you the same health and happiness with your

H...you are so lucky to have him..HOLD him tight and don't ever let go...

 

i wish i would have known then what i know now..i just took everything for granted..you know, married IS married

and that's that...as my H ALWAYS said to me, "divorce is not an option!"

so i never thought about..i thought we had the whole world in time to work out anything and do

everything...nope...sure didn't work out that way

 

feel free to PM me anytime you want to chat or need to vent in private..

you have a friend in me...i really respect what you have done for me and OTHERS here on LS...

 

your story is helping sooo many women/BS/OW..if the BS's just take a few moments to step out of the other rooms

and check this one out, and open their minds to what is happening...i think they will find some comfort here as well.

instead of rushing in to post nasty words and names...when every A is so different ..as much as the OW's are.

 

thank you again

 

Dela, I am amazed at how strong you are being with everything you're dealing with. You WILL get through it. While I know it's hard to find out the man you married isn't who you thought he was, hopefully you'll be able to find someone again that will bring you joy once more.

 

It's hard for me to hear your words since I am carrying around so much guilt for what I did. I don't know the reasons why your husband did what he did... I am just learning now why I cheated. I will NEVER make excuses for my behavior. I need to own it. And through therapy I'm beginning to understand what is lacking inside me that led me to do what I did. Your husband is probably damaged in some way... probably in some way he is even unaware of. A lot of this baggage comes from our childhoods.

 

You don't know how much I wish the same thing as you -- that I could know then what I know now. I look back and I want to shake that woman that allowed herself to feel things for another man when she had no right. And I used to say the same thing... "divorce isn't an option" and I believed it. My father had an affair and I was SO unbelievably anti-infidelity. It was actually a joke with my friends -- if an actor had an affair I wouldn't even go to see his movies anymore. Sometimes I just don't know what happened.

 

Hang in there. Post that Divorce Date on your refrigerator and know that you have a date when you can begin again. You own your future. You might be surprised at how wonderful it can be!

[Fallen Angel]

Dela,

 

I met My MM in a chat room over 12 years ago, and we became friends. It stayed strictly friendship for a very long time (until about 2 and a half years ago), but you are right, you don't REALLY know that person... I didn't know he was married.

 

The whole story is really long and drawn out, but, I will say that just as you have found support here, that made you feel welcomed, accepted, and valued for your HUMANITY, So too is it that people fall into emotional affairs online.

 

I was in a horrible marriage and found someone who listened to me, cared about my opinions and valued my thoughts. He told me that I was wonderful, that I was kind, loving, gentle, generous, and that I had the most beautiful soul he had ever encountered. How could I not fall for that? He was telling me all these things without ever even seeing a picture of me, and for the first time in so very long I felt.. worthy.

 

Here was someone telling me I was all the things my husband said I was not. Here was someone telling me I had value! That was something I had needed to hear for so long. And then things changed... we started speaking on the phone (my husbands suggestion by the way *part of the long story*) and while it is not the same as in person contact, it almost allows for more intimacy than if we had been in the same room.

 

I was able to say things to him that I would never have had the guts to admit to if I had to look in his eyes when I said them. I shared my soul, and he shared his. Deep secrets we hadn't shared with anyone else.. it was safe... we were several states apart, we didn't have to "face each other" the next day.

 

Eventually the freedom of such intimacy led to romantic feelings of love. On both sides. Something I don't think either of us planned on. By the time we met in real life, we were already in love. The affair was a forgone conclusion.

 

Now, with the frequent physical contact, the kisses, the smells, the "breaking of bread" together, that feeling of being in love has become even deeper. But the emotional affair was so strong, the yearning so deep, I had never experienced a feeling of love so strong, even before we touched for the first time.

 

Do not discount so lightly how this could happen. For me it took YEARS, and I think that your discription of your Hs short term EA with his "mob war groupie" (I know exactly what you mean, lol, my MM and I play mobsters together on myspace and women constantly throw themselves at him, and men at me) seems like it will be a fling at best. But some of these EAs are harder to detatch from than something that was just purely physical. Even if there is NEVER any REAL LIFE interaction.

[delajoonal]

fallen...

 

thank you for sharing such details with me..

 

you are so right too..if i have found solace and friends here on LS, then why couldn't my H find it on FB?..

 

i can see what you mean about being adored by someone online while your H had only bad things to say to you..

 

this was not my case..my H NEVER called me anything but sweetie...for 14 years..of course until towards the end..i was shut up u stupid b*tch..and you're an idiot, etc...that alone just about killed me..where does the hate come from and why?

 

he even tried to get me to go visit HIS parents 700 miles away, so he could be with the OW in OUR HOME..In mY BED! i will never forget that...

 

he always complimented nearly daily.on something or another, dinner, my outfit, my hair, what i made that day (i sew)...etc..

 

we had our share of issues, raising a son, cancer, other illness', money, moving, job losses, lack of s-e-x at times, long periods...but we always found our way back..

 

what was so dang different this time???

 

i am not ugly..you can see my albums here on LS...LOL

 

i NEVER cheated, never lied..i was a good house keeper, and cook, and i still don't get it..??

 

 

the thing with my H, it only took 2 weeks for him to fall for OW..

and we only lived 10 MINUTES apart..yikes!

 

so guess where he lives now..yep...moved to OW Town.

 

here is whopper...

 

he looked me in the face and said,

"haven't you ever been in love with someone you can't be with?"

OMG!..i know i posted this before..but that sentence still rattles around in my head every few seconds...

 

how ON EARTH does a H say that to his W...?

 

like i am his buddy, sister or friend????

 

Oh my Gawd the pain i feel even just typing it out:(

 

its been 8 months now, and H says THEY are together...

although he has denied it until about a month ago..i accidently found out?

are there such things as accidents??

 

anyway...even after i found out they had been together this whole time,

he still denied it...

even came to my door begging me to let him in so we could talk about it..

 

 

here is what i was more angry at then anything by the time i found out they were still together..

 

the lying!

the humilation of the constant lying to me..that is what i hated.

it would have been more dignfying for ME and H if he would have just told me the truth. not less heartbreaking...BUT at least some dignity..

 

 

her D will be final on Dec. 31...mine..not sure, was suppose to be by the end of Feb'10...BUT, we are having some HUGE disagreements finacially...another story another time..LOL..so mine could go on for months or even years more..i've heard..

 

still can' t believe this is really happening..i keep thinking, i guess like anyone ..

that it will end, like in the movies, he will come running into my arms and say how sorry he is for hurting me and lying etc...

 

now he has hired an attorney to battle mine..so i guess this is really IT!

 

i can't help but wonder constantly what they do?

where they go?

what they talk about?

how long with IT LAST?

and like i posted before, the many phone calls in ONE day..

OW called my H 21 times in ONE day..LOL

who has that kind of time.?

and what the heck is there to say to anyone 21 times a day???...LOL

 

and that wasnt' the only day..there are 13, 17..and up...calls a day..

and this is EVERY DANG DAY!

 

is this an insecurity?

are they fighting?

is she calling just to say i love you 21 times a day?

 

another member posted that IT might be the insecurity of having started off as an A in the first place..how will they ever truly trust?

 

anyway..sorry to ramble..i sooo appreciate everything you and nowhere have posted for me...

 

thank you again so much;)

[NowhereToHide]

Dela.... Your pain is so apparent. I wish so much it wasn't so bad for you.

 

If you can get anything at all from these boards, especially this one, you MUST take away this one thing, okay? Ready?

 

YOUR HUSBAND'S AFFAIR ISN'T A REFLECTION ON YOU.

 

You can ask most anyone on these boards and they will tell you that their reasons for cheating weren't their spouses fault. Some of them admit to strained relationships, lack of sex, etc. But for some of us, like me, the issues in the marriage were minor if that. The issue lied with ME. All ME.

 

It was your husband's choice to have an affair. You didn't cause this. It is NOT your fault. I KNOW you're searching for meaning... for some rational reason why your adoring husband of so many years just changed and decided he wanted someone else. And the hard thing is, you will probably never know. It sucks, but it's true. And you'll have to let it go someday.

 

But DO NOT take the blame for his infidelity. He's a big boy. He made the decision to rip your life together apart. You need to release yourself from this blame you are feeling. The hatred for his OW... well that I get actually. But don't blame yourself. BLAME HIM. This is on his shoulders, his conscience, his soul.

 

It's time for you to start healing. Release yourself from this guilt first. Someday hopefully you'll be able to get past the anger and hurt. You deserve a second chance. And he will deserve what he will get in the end (which is having to raise two little kids all over again and a mistress that is never going to trust him). You will move on to brighter times. I promise.

[Fallen Angel]

Dela.... Your pain is so apparent. I wish so much it wasn't so bad for you.

 

If you can get anything at all from these boards, especially this one, you MUST take away this one thing, okay? Ready?

 

YOUR HUSBAND'S AFFAIR ISN'T A REFLECTION ON YOU.

 

You can ask most anyone on these boards and they will tell you that their reasons for cheating weren't their spouses fault. Some of them admit to strained relationships, lack of sex, etc. But for some of us, like me, the issues in the marriage were minor if that. The issue lied with ME. All ME.

 

It was your husband's choice to have an affair. You didn't cause this. It is NOT your fault. I KNOW you're searching for meaning... for some rational reason why your adoring husband of so many years just changed and decided he wanted someone else. And the hard thing is, you will probably never know. It sucks, but it's true. And you'll have to let it go someday.

 

But DO NOT take the blame for his infidelity. He's a big boy. He made the decision to rip your life together apart. You need to release yourself from this blame you are feeling. The hatred for his OW... well that I get actually. But don't blame yourself. BLAME HIM. This is on his shoulders, his conscience, his soul.

 

It's time for you to start healing. Release yourself from this guilt first. Someday hopefully you'll be able to get past the anger and hurt. You deserve a second chance. And he will deserve what he will get in the end (which is having to raise two little kids all over again and a mistress that is never going to trust him). You will move on to brighter times. I promise.

 

I don't have the words to say this to you, Dela, any better than Nowhere did!

 

That is the first thing you need to tattoo into your brain.

 

YOU ARE NOT THE REASON HE CHEATED.

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

 

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

 

You have been reading my posts for a couple of days now so I am sure you have seen me say before... DON'T CARRY HIS SH*T FOR HIM, YOU ARE LUGGING AROUND ENOUGH OF YOUR OWN RIGHT NOW. PUT HIS SH*T SQUARELY ON HIS SHOULDERS WHERE IT BELONGS!

 

I know that you want to know the "WHY" for what happened, but the truth is you may never get that. There are many "reasons" people cheat, what it all boils down to in the end (IN MY OPINION) is that we are selfish. That we are broken, and that we care more about fulfilling our needs than we care about hurting those around us.

 

It sucks. It sucks to know that about myself. It sucks to know that your husband hurt you when you are so obviously a wonderful soul. But that is as simple as I can make it. No matter how we try to sugar coat the "reasons", it all comes back to selfishness.

 

If I was less selfish I would walk away from my MM now and never look back. If your husband was less selfish he would have never done what he did.

 

We all have things that triggered our behaviour. Some of us know why, others are still searching for the answers, but I am willing to bet that if you talk to those who have been on the 'cheater' end of things and they are being honest, you will see that selfish comes up A LOT!

 

In the posts here you see a lot about "cake eaters" .. translation = selfish.

"fence sitter" = selfish.

You see all the time people saying "He HAS made a choice, he chose BOTH" = selfish.

 

That is what cheating is at it's core.

 

It is time for you to get selfish, you have been selfless for too long. You deserve so much better than what you have been given, and I want so badly to see you demand it!!!

 

In case you haven't heard it lately, Dela...

YOU are wonderful.

YOU are kind.

YOU are generous.

YOU are loving.

YOU have a beautiful soul.

 

(((HUGS)))

[LadyDi]

Is this still about facebook?

[delajoonal]

Dela.... Your pain is so apparent. I wish so much it wasn't so bad for you.

If you can get anything at all from these boards, especially this one, you MUST take away this one thing, okay? Ready?

YOUR HUSBAND'S AFFAIR ISN'T A REFLECTION ON YOU.

You can ask most anyone on these boards and they will tell you that their reasons for cheating weren't their spouses fault. Some of them admit to strained relationships, lack of sex, etc. But for some of us, like me, the issues in the marriage were minor if that. The issue lied with ME. All ME.

It was your husband's choice to have an affair. You didn't cause this. It is NOT your fault. I KNOW you're searching for meaning... for some rational reason why your adoring husband of so many years just changed and decided he wanted someone else. And the hard thing is, you will probably never know. It sucks, but it's true. And you'll have to let it go someday.

But DO NOT take the blame for his infidelity. He's a big boy. He made the decision to rip your life together apart. You need to release yourself from this blame you are feeling. The hatred for his OW... well that I get actually. But don't blame yourself. BLAME HIM. This is on his shoulders, his conscience, his soul.

It's time for you to start healing. Release yourself from this guilt first. Someday hopefully you'll be able to get past the anger and hurt. You deserve a second chance. And he will deserve what he will get in the end (which is having to raise two little kids all over again and a mistress that is never going to trust him). You will move on to brighter times. I promise.

NOWHERE...i can't even put into words how incredibly gracious you have been to me and your time and thoughts and advice...it has meant the world to me.

really truly:D

 

you are right...H's A is NOT about me...he kept saying WE failed our marriage..but i kept saying NO, we may have had some issues, but YOU/H failed when you cheated and walked out that door...that was failing..to me anyway..

 

so you right..i have to really start accepting that it was NOT me and i may NEVER know why this happened...

 

do you know, H still can't look me in the eye..and he still can't talk to me..

i mean really can't talk to me...it is the weirdest thing i have ever experienced.

 

anyway...i could go on and on.right..LOL

 

you have been amazing and so understanding and letting me be here on your 'turf' so to speak...i know i am in the OW/OM threads and being the BS, i am not usually welcomed..but i am so glad that you and a few others have accepted me in and let me try to understand what has happened to my life..

 

it is helping me let go of the anger that has built up for the OW...

i will prolly never forget this...but in time, because if my spirituality, i would hope i can learn to forgive..them both.. you know.

 

i am just really touched and you have given me alot to consider and think about..instead of ruminating and moping...i can get something constructive from this.

 

thank you again so much...

[delajoonal]

sorry ladydi..yes, i got started about FB and my H's online FB EA and it just turned into something more..i am sorry..but please understand that sometimes when things take a different turn, it is for the good...

 

these women on this thread have helped me so much the past few days...

 

thank you for your understanding;)

[delajoonal]

I don't have the words to say this to you, Dela, any better than Nowhere did!

That is the first thing you need to tattoo into your brain.

YOU ARE NOT THE REASON HE CHEATED.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

You have been reading my posts for a couple of days now so I am sure you have seen me say before... DON'T CARRY HIS SH*T FOR HIM, YOU ARE LUGGING AROUND ENOUGH OF YOUR OWN RIGHT NOW. PUT HIS SH*T SQUARELY ON HIS SHOULDERS WHERE IT BELONGS!

I know that you want to know the "WHY" for what happened, but the truth is you may never get that. There are many "reasons" people cheat, what it all boils down to in the end (IN MY OPINION) is that we are selfish. That we are broken, and that we care more about fulfilling our needs than we care about hurting those around us.

It sucks. It sucks to know that about myself. It sucks to know that your husband hurt you when you are so obviously a wonderful soul. But that is as simple as I can make it. No matter how we try to sugar coat the "reasons", it all comes back to selfishness.

If I was less selfish I would walk away from my MM now and never look back. If your husband was less selfish he would have never done what he did.

We all have things that triggered our behaviour. Some of us know why, others are still searching for the answers, but I am willing to bet that if you talk to those who have been on the 'cheater' end of things and they are being honest, you will see that selfish comes up A LOT!

In the posts here you see a lot about "cake eaters" .. translation = selfish.

"fence sitter" = selfish.

You see all the time people saying "He HAS made a choice, he chose BOTH" = selfish.

That is what cheating is at it's core.

It is time for you to get selfish, you have been selfless for too long. You deserve so much better than what you have been given, and I want so badly to see you demand it!!!

In case you haven't heard it lately, Dela...

YOU are wonderful.

YOU are kind.

YOU are generous.

YOU are loving.

YOU have a beautiful soul.

(((HUGS)))

 

FALLEN..OMG! i cannot believe how NOT selfish you are...

do you see how much you have helped me the past few days..

 

i was in a place where i could NOT even get out of my PJ's for nearly 2 weeks now...today, i went to the market...i played with my dog, i talked on the phone for hours and laughed i laughed so hard with my bff of 30 years...

 

it was wonderful..i told her all about these wonderful women i have met on LS..and fallen and nowhere you are TWO of the most UNselfish people i have ever met!

 

to take time for me, a stranger and a BS at that..LOL..to help me understand my pain and what happened to my marriage...no words again...i am just so grateful and you all have renewed my faith in the good of people..seriously.i mean that from the bottom of my heart:love:

 

and Fallen, all those wonderful things you said about me at the end of your post...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

 

i wish you ALL the happiness and joy this world can bring you...you do deserve even tho i can see in your words you do not think you do...

 

you do and you are good;)

 

thank you sweet ladies so much!

 

i wish us all a happy ending..or should i say NEW beginnings..

[White Flower]

Let me tell you a little secret. Chances are that if your MM doesn't like websites like FB or Classmates he could be a serial cheater. If he doesn't want his multiple lovers finding him it is safer to not participate on these social sites.

 

But my MM still doesn't have complete privacy just because he's not on one of these sites. One of his exMWs is on his daughter's page. His daughter was blabbing about her parents going away on vacation and his exMW actually emailed him, asking when he's going to be away! For the life of him he couldn't figure out how she knew. I knew. ExMW was on his daughter's FB! And he thought he was free of all this shyte!

 

As for me, I'm glad to not see him on FB. I hear enough about their good life on the phone thank you very much. Pictures of them together are seen though and this can be very destructive. Cold, hard reality. Seeing the pictures is bad, but seeing their interaction in person--spending time together with MM and his W must be excruciating to the OW.

[NoIDidn't]

Let me tell you a little secret. Chances are that if your MM doesn't like websites like FB or Classmates he could be a serial cheater. If he doesn't want his multiple lovers finding him it is safer to not participate on these social sites.

 

 

I had to wipe my screen off (Coke) when I read this. LOL. This describes my dad to a "T".

 

He refuses to put ANYTHING online. He doesn't want anyone finding him. He already made the mistake of trying to NOT be a serial cheat and posted a profile on a singles site. He responded to a "beautiful" single lady that turned out to be my MOM!!! LMAO!!

 

Reading your "little secret" ditty, brought back that memory. The whole situation was hilarious. My dad swearing up and down that he wasn't who his profile said he was and my mom ignoring him after he started with the lies. LOL.

 

Thanks for the laugh. You are so right. Serial cheats do NOT like to get caught out there.

[White Flower]

I had to wipe my screen off (Coke) when I read this. LOL. This describes my dad to a "T".

 

He refuses to put ANYTHING online. He doesn't want anyone finding him. He already made the mistake of trying to NOT be a serial cheat and posted a profile on a singles site. He responded to a "beautiful" single lady that turned out to be my MOM!!! LMAO!!

 

Reading your "little secret" ditty, brought back that memory. The whole situation was hilarious. My dad swearing up and down that he wasn't who his profile said he was and my mom ignoring him after he started with the lies. LOL.

 

Thanks for the laugh. You are so right. Serial cheats do NOT like to get caught out there.

Ha ha, glad you got a laugh tonight. But it's all true and I would LOVE to have been a fly on the wall watching your dad deny deny deny and lie to the bitter end! So funny. Why do SC's think women are all stupid???

[boldjack]

It's not that we think that all women are stupid, it's that we usually only prey on stupid women!! Or maybe gullible is more appropriate.

[NoIDidn't]

Ha ha, glad you got a laugh tonight. But it's all true and I would LOVE to have been a fly on the wall watching your dad deny deny deny and lie to the bitter end! So funny. Why do SC's think women are all stupid???

 

It was hilarious! Considering that my parents never married each other (mom saw the writing on the wall!), they would both call and tell me about the "mystery" person on the dating site. She had a picture up and he didn't. He should have known it was her - his exfiance no less! LOL

 

It was hilarious. I have to call my dad so I can laugh about this some more. LOL

[NoIDidn't]

It's not that we think that all women are stupid, it's that we usually only prey on stupid women!! Or maybe gullible is more appropriate.

 

So true. SC's definitely shy away from women that aren't gullible and will walk on them in a minute. They do not like truly strong and self-assured women.

 

No offense intended to those that have actually dated one. They can sense any level of insecurity. You might be the President of a country, but they can find that place of insecurity and work it to get into your heart. Its an amazing thing to witness.